Humorous Anouncements

[headshot119]

sorry if folk have seen this video, very funny anouncement indeed, just saw it on facebook, msde me giggle anyway, I'll post the link under here.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...tml?ITO=1490&ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490

Erm that'll be the video in the opening post of the thread

 

[47403]

my apologies didnt read the previous pages, thought it was just a list of humourous stories, pay me to look next time

 

[EbbwJunction1]

I was on the 16.55 from Cardiff Central to Cheltenham Spa last night, and the conductor (Dave, I think) decided to try to liven up our journey with a couple of announcements.

I can't remember all the words, but he did ask us to make sure that we took all our belongings with us when we left the train, but if we didn't, he was a partial to a Rolex watch and an I-Pad.

He also used the "I will shortly be passing through the train. Please have all tickets, passes, lies and excuses ready for inspection" line as well.

 

[Ianno87]

Heard on 1C43 at Cambridge one morning a couple of weeks ago:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry for this train being in Platform 8 rather than Platform 2 for the second day running. This is due to the night shift driver being too lazy to move the unit to where it's supposed to be"

 

[Iskra]

I had the best conductor ever this morning on 0901 Middlesbrough-Saltburn whose announcements were all witty rhymes, with some genuinely interesting information thrown-in about the stations we were stopping at. I'm guessing he's worked that line a long time...

On the other hand I did hear some passengers slagging off a different conductor trying to be funny by saying 'this train is arriving x minutes late because you all took too long to get on.'

 

[185143]

I had a CrossCountry TM tell us all about details of the route, as in (summarising) 'we will proceed from Stafford to Crewe, which should be a fast run, around (whateved linespeed is) where we shall stop. This is not a passenger stop and may not be at a platform so do not try and get off. We will proceed to Manchester via Wilmslow, very slow run around X mph as we are stuck behind a class 323 stopping train. THIS TRAIN DOES NOT CALL AT STOKE AND IS NON STOP TO MANCHESTER'

Despite that I did have some sympathy for the person in my carriage that wanted stoke as I was only on the train as I wanted Stockport. (From Manchester and ended in stafford) Oops.....

 

[Tio Terry]

I always smile when I hear at Waterloo "The train from XYZ will now arrive at Platform XX, this train will terminate here" it will make one hell of a mess if it doesn't!

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

I always smile when I hear at Waterloo "The train from XYZ will now arrive at Platform XX, this train will terminate here" it will make one hell of a mess if it doesn't!

There was once a period of a few years when one of the random announcements at York went "The next train to arrive at Platform 1 does not stop here" - which it had to as Platform 1 is a terminal bay platform

 

[CyrusWuff]

Heard at a London terminal recently when an ECS working was arriving: "Please stand clear of the edge of platform <n>. The approaching train is not scheduled to stop at this station."

You'd hope it did stop, given there'd be an unplanned remodelling of the concourse if it didn't!

 

[headshot119]

Heard at a London terminal recently when an ECS working was arriving: "Please stand clear of the edge of platform <n>. The approaching train is not scheduled to stop at this station."

You'd hope it did stop, given there'd be an unplanned remodelling of the concourse if it didn't!

Chester plays those announcements for the bay platforms, it all made sense after the 221 made a bid for the concourse through the buffer stops.

 

[lynni]

I was on the 16.55 from Cardiff Central to Cheltenham Spa last night, and the conductor (Dave, I think) decided to try to liven up our journey with a couple of announcements.

I can't remember all the words, but he did ask us to make sure that we took all our belongings with us when we left the train, but if we didn't, he was a partial to a Rolex watch and an I-Pad.

He also used the "I will shortly be passing through the train. Please have all tickets, passes, lies and excuses ready for inspection" line as well.

We had the same guy a week or two back on the Taunton to Cardiff Central,he really brightened up the journey

 

[221129]

We had the same guy a week or two back on the Taunton to Cardiff Central,he really brightened up the journey

I doubt it you did unless he changed TOCs within a week...

 

[Requeststop]

There is a Northern guard on Teesside that makes every announcement in rhyme. He is also humorous and jovial when checking tickets etc.

Yes I came across him recently during my UK trip when on the Darlington -Bishop Auckland line.

At Bristol Temple Meads in the mid to late 1970's there was a station announcer with a wonderful Brissle accent, who saw out a Bristol - Edinburgh Special and was on duty the next day at about 3:30am, who announced us home with the words, "We hope you had a wonderful day in Edinburgh. In fact a better day than we've had here with constant delays, cancellations and the dreadful weather".

I did like a fellow elderly passengers remark to the recorded announcement in a passenger lift at Platform level that the lift was "Going Up".
"Thank God for that. I'm not ready to visit the devil yet."

Then there is the classic station announcement ''The train now arriving at Platform 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 has come in sideways".

 

[lynni]

I doubt it you did unless he changed TOCs within a week...

Ok,it was a guy with the same repetoire then!

 

[EbbwJunction1]

I was on the 16.55 from Cardiff Central to Cheltenham Spa last night, and the conductor (Dave, I think) decided to try to liven up our journey with a couple of announcements.

I can't remember all the words, but he did ask us to make sure that we took all our belongings with us when we left the train, but if we didn't, he was a partial to a Rolex watch and an I-Pad.

He also used the "I will shortly be passing through the train. Please have all tickets, passes, lies and excuses ready for inspection" line as well.

We had the same guy a week or two back on the Taunton to Cardiff Central,he really brightened up the journey

I doubt it you did unless he changed TOCs within a week...

Ok,it was a guy with the same repetoire then!

I must plead guilty to a misremembered train destination, as it was the Taunton train and not the Cheltenham Spa train I was on!

 

[Parallel]

I must plead guilty to a misremembered train destination, as it was the Taunton train and not the Cheltenham Spa train I was on!

Was he quite a tall older chap? If so, I've come across him a few times too!

 

[physics34]

imagine if you heard the guy every day. The novelty would soon wear off, and what if you were just not in the mood??

 

[507 001]

On the approach to the Ribblehead Viaduct the guard of our train made a wonderful announcement about the history of the viaduct and how it was built.

He finished it as the train rolled onto the viaduct with 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the Ribblehead Viaduct'. Very nice touch.


The former deputy operations manager of the F&WHR was once heard to make a platform announcement at Porthmadog Harbour along the lines of 'The train now approaching Platform 1 does not stop here, please stand back from the edge on platform 1'

Theres only one platform at Port and the loco was going down to the headhunt for water and coal..... Its a dead end!

 

[EbbwJunction1]

Was he quite a tall older chap? If so, I've come across him a few times too!

Yes, I think so, so it's probably the same chap.

imagine if you heard the guy every day. The novelty would soon wear off, and what if you were just not in the mood??

Well, yes, it probably would - but the usual announcements, which you do hear every day, have that effect as well, so there's no right and wrong way of doing this, I think.

 

[TheNewNo2]

I was on an SWT service from Waterloo to Portsmouth via Guildford last weekend. Upon departure from Woking, suddenly Adele started blaring from the PA system, to the confusion of everyone onboard.

 

[Sloppyjag]

I was on an SWT service from Waterloo to Portsmouth via Guildford last weekend. Upon departure from Woking, suddenly Adele started blaring from the PA system, to the confusion of everyone onboard.

Why the confusion? She disappears off the face of the planet for years and now she's back she's everywhere! I opened the fridge the other day and she was in there clutching a mug of tea belting out "All I Ask".

 

[Phil from Mon]

There used to be a catering trolley guy on the ATW Borders line who did the full Monty Python - lizards tongue, stewed rat, snake venom etc. He'd get a lot of laughs and, presumably, a few extra orders but it began to wear after a couple of hours. Don't know if he is still on the run or not.

 

[Parallel]

There used to be a catering trolley guy on the ATW Borders line who did the full Monty Python - lizards tongue, stewed rat, snake venom etc. He'd get a lot of laughs and, presumably, a few extra orders but it began to wear after a couple of hours. Don't know if he is still on the run or not.

He was still about last year - I have come across him on a couple of occasions! He got plenty of laughs both times. He was selling 'Eggs and breads', 'Gaviscon' and 'Squirrels on sticks' last time... He also seems to (unintentionally) ram the trolley into every armrest as he goes.

There's also one usually on Cardiff - Portsmouth services who makes me smile. She usually says "Any teasssss or coffeesssss. Snackssssss or soft drinkssssss. Please mind your kneecapssssss. Any juiceeee. Bottled water or spiritssssss."

 

[Kite159]

Why the confusion? She disappears off the face of the planet for years and now she's back she's everywhere! I opened the fridge the other day and she was in there clutching a mug of tea belting out "All I Ask".

Did she say Hello?

 

[Spamcan81]

Never experienced this myself on a train but it gets your attention and makes you want to listen. Only time I have experienced a similar announcement was on a BA flight and the captain made his talk in an amusing way but still got the message over, even the twonkers who insist on showing how experienced travellers they are by ignoring the safety briefing sat and listened, captain even got a round of applause at the end.

Experienced similar on a flight from Durban to Johannesburg. The preflight briefing and other announcements went from very amusing to outright hilarious. The guy certainly got everyone's attention.

 

[craigybagel]

He was still about last year - I have come across him on a couple of occasions! He got plenty of laughs both times. He was selling 'Eggs and breads', 'Gaviscon' and 'Squirrels on sticks' last time... He also seems to (unintentionally) ram the trolley into every armrest as he goes.

There used to be a catering trolley guy on the ATW Borders line who did the full Monty Python - lizards tongue, stewed rat, snake venom etc. He'd get a lot of laughs and, presumably, a few extra orders but it began to wear after a couple of hours. Don't know if he is still on the run or not.

Still going strong, very well known in these parts.

 

[Skimpot flyer]

Experienced similar on a flight from Durban to Johannesburg. The preflight briefing and other announcements went from very amusing to outright hilarious. The guy certainly got everyone's attention.

Similarly, on a flight to Belfast with my favourite low-cost carrier, I heard something like 'we would like to advise you that easyJet employ some of the finest cabin crew in the airline industry. Unfortunately, none of them were available today so you'll just have to put up with myself and Fiona'

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

Never experienced this myself on a train but it gets your attention and makes you want to listen. Only time I have experienced a similar announcement was on a BA flight and the captain made his talk in an amusing way but still got the message over, even the twonkers who insist on showing how experienced travellers they are by ignoring the safety briefing sat and listened, captain even got a round of applause at the end.

Don't suppose the Captain was Captain Phil Shaw was it...? if so, that man is an utter legend...

[youtube]f19kP9LRnvY[/youtube]

 

[Phil from Mon]

Still going strong, very well known in these parts.

Glad he is still there, that's good.

 

[MCSHF007]

'Recent' announcement on departing Sheffield (no details to protect the fine gentleman concerned).

"We will be calling at (amongst others) "Meadowhell, Goole (unfortunately) and Gilberdyke (if we remember). Any items left unattended may be sold on e-bay by our dodgy staff (have you seen our driver today ??).

""Chop chop" and no hanging around if you're leaving us at Meadowhell - and good luck".

What a star!