Humorous Anouncements

[Domh245]

I happened across this video this morning. It's always nice when staff inject a bit of humour into the otherwise rather dull announcements

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

I happened across this video this morning. It's always nice when staff inject a bit of humour into the otherwise rather dull announcements

Mmm... Fell off my chair when the lights went out! After looking at the suggested videos list, it seems this guy has a history of doing it - great customer service

 

[alexl92]

Love it. There's a Welsh (I think; it's been a while) guy on TPE who I quite enjoy.

 

[mikeg]

Agree with you about the tpe guy. I know who you're talking about and enjoyed him at the 'sprawling metropolis of Thirsk' as he put it when I lived there. Regularly he would appear on services to the industrial wonderland of Middlesbrough and his announcements about things like the hand dryers that have all the power of a slight spring breeze always brightened up my day.

There was a guy on an EMT meridian a few months ago who was quite good, advised us to supervise any grannies, small children or anyone who'd had a few cans of Carlsberg special brew when alighting at a station with a gap and large step down to the platform.

 

[Welshman]

The funniest announcement I heard was on a XC service from Sheffield to Newcastle.
After welcoming us on board, the conductor announced the next stop would be Leeds. Whilst he was later passing through the train, several passengers asked what had happened to Wakefield Westgate. He rushed back and corrected his former announcement with apologies.
Whilst we were approaching on the viaduct, another voice came on, saying:-
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are now approaching Wakefield Westgate, and, unlike my colleague, I don't think its insignificant at all"

 

[lewisf]

WwooooOOOOOooooo!

 

[cin88]

I once heard a guard say "ladies and gentlemen I regret to inform you that the toilet is blocked and therefore out of service. Please direct all complaints to my mother in law and her shepherds pie."

 

[Masbroughlad]

Many years ago at Rotherham Central. A morning Sunday train to Cleethorpes. The station announcer wished us all a nice day by the sea and that we had our buckets and spades. He told us to have some fish and chips too.

In the days when robots hadn't replaced human voices!

 

[Michael.Y]

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are now approaching Hopton Heath International.

I've heard "sunny Swindon" or "drizzly Didcot" a couple of times too.

 

[gimmea50anyday]

Agree with you about the tpe guy. I know who you're talking about and enjoyed him at the 'sprawling metropolis of Thirsk' as he put it when I lived there. Regularly he would appear on services to the industrial wonderland of Middlesbrough and his announcements about things like the hand dryers that have all the power of a slight spring breeze always brightened up my day.

He will be york based then. Sounds like Paul. He featured on helicopter heroes when air ambulance rescued Dave Graham after he had a heart attack at the controls. In the link Paul is seen securing the ladder while talking to the camera crew. Paul is currently an (acting) on-board service manager for york but occasionally covers weekend trains.

https://youtu.be/DJPqIod2lKk

Could however be a different paul. If he is on duty and you walk into a messroom he is occupying, you can guarantee his sense of humour will lift you straight away. He is exactly the same at 4am or 4pm and his humour never stops!

I myself have a reputation for comical announcements, my advice to change at leeds for cassvegas and pontecarlo got mentioned on twitter a while back....

 

[Bantamzen]

"Welcome to this Northern service from Leeds to Skipton. As this is a busy service, please keep seats free of luggage, feet, and dirty looks."

 

[krus_aragon]

“Ladies and gentlemen, I've just hit my funny bone.”

No, wait, that was a humerus announcement...

 

[DaiGog]

An EMT (or was it MML at the time?) guard warning would-be crafty smokers that the toilets are fitted with smoke detectors and high pressure water jets, and that use of mobile phones in the quiet coach will trigger the ejector seats.......

 

[CheesyChips]

This isn't humour per se but made me smile, one LM guard when arriving at Smethwick Galton Bridge higher level used to announce that passengers can change here for other services but he always made reference to the ATW service to Holyhead for which Llanfair PG is a request stop, but always said the town name in full.

"Change here for services to Wolverhampton, Bham New Street, and stations to Holyhead including Llanfair...." And would then finish with a pause as if he was waiting for an applause

I haven't heard it for a long time now.

 

[EbbwJunction1]

Last week, arriving at Cardiff Central .... "the next station will be Newport".

I didn't have the opportunity to ask the guard whether he'd got it wrong or was trying to be funny, but it did cause a few worried looks.

 

[R4_GRN]

Never experienced this myself on a train but it gets your attention and makes you want to listen. Only time I have experienced a similar announcement was on a BA flight and the captain made his talk in an amusing way but still got the message over, even the twonkers who insist on showing how experienced travellers they are by ignoring the safety briefing sat and listened, captain even got a round of applause at the end.

 

[blotred]

I've been on a Southern service where the driver was doing a quiz over the PA system.

Certainly made a short-formed AM peak metro service (10 minutes late after a cancelled preceding service) a *lot* more pleasant.

 

[Bletchleyite]

It'd be amusing if a guard did that, but I would rather a driver paid attention to driving.

 

[gimmea50anyday]

Never experienced this myself on a train but it gets your attention and makes you want to listen.

Which is exactly why I like to throw some humour into the announcements. It makes the people on board realise that Im human too, and Im also stuck in this mess! They will therefore be more on my side while I try and deal with their delay

 

[Shimbleshanks]

Never experienced this myself on a train but it gets your attention and makes you want to listen. Only time I have experienced a similar announcement was on a BA flight and the captain made his talk in an amusing way but still got the message over, even the twonkers who insist on showing how experienced travellers they are by ignoring the safety briefing sat and listened, captain even got a round of applause at the end.

BA captain arriving at Aldergrove airport in the 1970s at the height of the Troubles: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have now arrived in Belfast. Please set your watches back 300 years."

 

[Quakkerillo]

I had a guard who was quite happy with announcing the coming stations with extra information:
"This train will call at the joyous x, the grand y, touristic z, then all stations to q, whilst stopping at the tiny r [...]"
which broke the boring information I get normally

 

[urbophile]

There is a Merseyrail driver or guard who is given to similar announcements. 'Our cruising speed is approximately 30mph and our altitude approximately one metre. We are now approaching Sandhills, and if you wish to explore the exotic delights of Kirkby or sample the fleshpots of Ormskirk please change here.'

 

[pdeaves]

I've often heard a GWR guard making interesting/amusing announcements. The one I can remember right now was to change at Swindon for "Bristol Parkway, Newport, Cardiff Central and all sorts of exotic places further west", or similar.

I admit it sounded better than my write-up suggests!

 

[Whistler40145]

In the days of InterCity West Coast, there was a wonderful Asian Train Manager based at Preston, I was on a Euston service and his announcement was very funny "The next station in 10 minutes time will be Milton Keynes Central, the Weather in London will be Sunny, so have a good'n", in this broad East Lancashire accent.

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

On a Northern service to York

"Ladies and Gentlemen, as today is a Sunday, we're all going to Church... Fenton"

 

[Whistler40145]

Very good HMS Ark Royal.

 

[prod_pep]

There is a Merseyrail driver or guard who is given to similar announcements. 'Our cruising speed is approximately 30mph and our altitude approximately one metre. We are now approaching Sandhills, and if you wish to explore the exotic delights of Kirkby or sample the fleshpots of Ormskirk please change here.'

That guard is quite a legend; the "Grumpy Old Man" as he calls himself. He sometimes talks about "the good news and the bad news", Blackpool winning being the good news and the fact he still hasn't won the lottery the bad. I'm sure he has or used to have a Facebook group dedicated to him with thousands of likes.

There's also a younger chap on the Northern Line who I haven't heard for a while with a Lancashire accent who is funny as well. A bit of light humour never did anyone any harm - brightens up a journey for sure.

 

[Gypsylaird]

My favourite announcement happened many years ago on the fife circle. I boarded at Glenrothes with Thornton and was the only passenger on board. The guard announced the service as "This is the 12:xx fife circle service to Edinburgh calling at Cardenden, Lochgelly, Mordor, Dunfermline Queen Margaret, etc".

The same guard some years later on a Sunday came through the train apologising that the next stop was Lochgelly as he believed auditions for the Jeremy Kyle were being held at the Lochgelly centre that day. Judging by who got on he wasn't't far wrong

 

[Loop & Link]

*Deleted*

 

[skyhigh]

I've had several over the years, the ones that stick out to me are:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the 12:00 Kings Cross to Leeds service, calling at various insignificant blots on the landscape."
"We will shortly be approaching Doncaster. Unfortunately the mother-in-law lives here, hence the darkened skies and pouring rain and as such the platform may be slippery."
"I will shortly be passing through the train. Please have all tickets, passes, lies and excuses ready for inspection."