Humorous Anouncements

[Ianno87]

Quite some time ago now in First North Western days, I heard: "We will shortly be arriving at Chorley, the town that time forgot"

 

[sciisfun]

aviation, not rail, but a good way to get across the same safety information you hear every time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvdCFYLf_JI

 

[40129]

aviation, not rail, but a good way to get across the same safety information you hear every time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvdCFYLf_JI

And this is why we need a 'like' button

 

[Busaholic]

Quite some time ago now in First North Western days, I heard: "We will shortly be arriving at Chorley, the town that time forgot"

Maybe that guard transferred to FGW, because I heard a similar announcement for Redruth (cue much sniggering from the other passengers.

 

[DerekC]

The one which used to amuse me at Waterloo wasn't intended to be humorous. I think they may have fixed it now, but if a train of ECS approached the buffers before the outgoing service had been put up, the platform CIS sometimes said "stand away, the approaching train does not stop at this station" - or words to that effect - for a few seconds.

 

[gordonthemoron]

31/12/1991 16:30 departure from Kings Cross to Newcastle, shortly before departure the guard makes this announcement:

Welcome on board the 16:30 service to Newcastle, the centre of the universe

 

[gazr]

Had one the other day on the Underground. The tube had pulled into Liverpool St. I think and it was quite busy. After all the passengers were on and the doors were closing, the "ding" noise went off; "To the person who spat on the tracks as the train was pulling into the station please kindly spit into a tissue in future!". The driver went on a little longer on the subject, much to a lot of sniggering and chuckles from fellow passengers. The person responsible got totally owned!!

 

[Tracked]

"As if it wasn't miserable enough, the next station stop is Doncaster:" Virgin train guard shocks passengers with swipe at town

:roll:

Mark, a traffic surveyor, called his friend Robert Wainman to tell him of the announcement and the proud Doncastrian instantly sprung into action, contacting Doncaster MPs Ed Miliband, Rosie Winterton and Caroline Flint and the managing director of Virgin Trains to make a complaint.

Obviously this is the vital issue of the day ...

(I've heard similar about Banbury and Chesterfield, heard a Guard announce a stop "Meadowhell" and another guard humming "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" when Thatcher died, so what ... )

 

[blackfrost]

I've always wanted to make an announcement that could be considered humorous but I've never had the guts! You just don't know which manager could be travelling about??????

 

[grumblingalong]

I've always wanted to make an announcement that could be considered humorous but I've never had the guts! You just don't know which manager could be travelling about��

Just say what you're planning out loud before you announce it, that's stopped me several times.

 

[AlexNL]

I've always wanted to make an announcement that could be considered humorous but I've never had the guts! You just don't know which manager could be travelling about��

Do the 'wife test' before you make it: would you wife, kids or boss be offended if you said it to them? If the answer is 'yes', it's probably best to keep your mouth shut.

 

[mr williams]

I was at Birmingham New Street some 35 years ago when an announcement came over the tannoy apologising to passengers on platform 11 for the late departure of the 17.28 to Walsall....followed a few seconds later by a second announcement in a thick Brummie accent "This is a staff announcement.....will the driver of the 17.28 to Walsall please report to platform 11 as the train is waiting to depart"!!!

 

[plymothian]

Do the 'wife test' before you make it: would you wife, kids or boss be offended if you said it to them? If the answer is 'yes', it's probably best to keep your mouth shut.

Do the 'would anyone be offended' test, and not bother - stick to the basics, as someone is bound to be upset by the smallest thing.

 

[sportzbar]

Occasionally the train will be "on the grid", so on departure the driver will pull forward, stop and then start again. I always like to announce that "We are just engaging the new catapult feature that will make our departure a little quicker". Some passengers actually believe it....

 

[EM2]

Had one the other day on the Underground. The tube had pulled into Liverpool St. I think and it was quite busy. After all the passengers were on and the doors were closing, the "ding" noise went off; "To the person who spat on the tracks as the train was pulling into the station please kindly spit into a tissue in future!". The driver went on a little longer on the subject, much to a lot of sniggering and chuckles from fellow passengers. The person responsible got totally owned!!

Was this the Central Line? I wonder if it's the same driver I had last Wednesday who, when we came to a stop just before Stratford eastbound, announced that we were being held because trains had backed up because of a customer incident at Snaresbrook.
'The problem is, ladies and gentlemen, that there are no staff at Snaresbrook, and so staff are having to travel from Leytonstone. This is probably not the time and place for me to voice my concerns about cuts to station staff affecting customer safety, so I'll just leave it there for the moment'

 

[jon0844]

Do the 'would anyone be offended' test, and not bother - stick to the basics, as someone is bound to be upset by the smallest thing.

Ah, the snowflake test.

Is there someone here that will seek to find offence in anything said, or if you play safe by not saying anything, in what you didn't say? In fact, don't even bother to check because the answer is yes.

 

[Deepgreen]

I happened across this video this morning. It's always nice when staff inject a bit of humour into the otherwise rather dull announcements

I've only just seen this, and if I had been a victim of it, I would have assumed the driver was drunk/drugged. It just goes on and on, and is not even funny, I'm afraid.

 

[grumblingalong]

if I had been a victim of it

Victim? Really? Thankfully the vast majority of people don't see it like that

 

[Urban-Savage]

The automated announcement at Liverpool Lime Street for the Wigan Northwestern / Preston Trains - listen to it - the woman who has recorded it always sounds like she is either laughing or being tickled when she gets to Eccleston Park....

 

[keith1879]

He will be york based then. Sounds like Paul. He featured on helicopter heroes when air ambulance rescued Dave Graham after he had a heart attack at the controls. In the link Paul is seen securing the ladder while talking to the camera crew. Paul is currently an (acting) on-board service manager for york but occasionally covers weekend trains.

https://youtu.be/DJPqIod2lKk

Could however be a different paul. If he is on duty and you walk into a messroom he is occupying, you can guarantee his sense of humour will lift you straight away. He is exactly the same at 4am or 4pm and his humour never stops!

I myself have a reputation for comical announcements, my advice to change at leeds for cassvegas and pontecarlo got mentioned on twitter a while back....

As an ex resident of Castleford that would simply iritate the F**k out of me. Unfortunately all these "humorous" announcements run that same risk. You might brighten somebody's morning - you might do just the opposite. As a paying customer - they sound thoroughly unprofessional.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

Ah, the snowflake test.

Is there someone here that will seek to find offence in anything said, or if you play safe by not saying anything, in what you didn't say? In fact, don't even bother to check because the answer is yes.

You don't have to seek to find offence. As a keen supporter of Burnley Football Club I would absolutely fall about laughing if a conductor made some witty but disparaging comment about Blackburn as my train entered Blackburn station. Would it make me more likely to travel by train? Not at all. Would it make a resident of Blackburn LESS likely to travel by train? Probably not. Would it make a resident of Blackburn less likely to recommend the train? Yes - almost certainly. So what good would it do?
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

I've only just seen this, and if I had been a victim of it, I would have assumed the driver was drunk/drugged. It just goes on and on, and is not even funny, I'm afraid.

I think victim is too strong a word ....but it would just iritate me if I was trying to read or rest.

 

[TheEdge]

I've only just seen this, and if I had been a victim of it, I would have assumed the driver was drunk/drugged. It just goes on and on, and is not even funny, I'm afraid.

Or its someone having some fun, they are clearly not drunk or drugged. Don't be so ridiculous.

We shall all just have to be nice and dull to avoid anyone having some humour injected into their lives... :roll:

 

[godfreycomplex]

On the SWT side - Leon from Bournemouth is worthy of note "if we all think happy and positive thoughts we should get into Bournemouth at 02:15" even raised a few chuckles among the grizzled clientele of 1B81.

 

[NorthernSpirit]

"As if it wasn't miserable enough, the next station stop is Doncaster:" Virgin train guard shocks passengers with swipe at town

:roll:

Obviously this is the vital issue of the day ...

(I've heard similar about Banbury and Chesterfield, heard a Guard announce a stop "Meadowhell" and another guard humming "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" when Thatcher died, so what ... )

The person who ran off to their MP to report it probably wasn't wearing their tinfoil hat that day or doesn't have a sense of humour.

If a guard took the p*** out of Huddersfield, I'd just laugh.

To quote A42's comment on the Doncaster FreePress...

Christ almighty. This is just the kind of thing that half the country is fed up with. Idiots who can't take a joke. Political correctness gone mad. What a total waste of M.P.'s time. I bet he voted remain and hates Trump too!

 

[randyrippley]

On the SWT side - Leon from Bournemouth is worthy of note "if we all think happy and positive thoughts we should get into Bournemouth at 02:15" even raised a few chuckles among the grizzled clientele of 1B81.

He really meant "If we all wish for a 442 we should get into Bournemouth......"

 

[Tracked]

The person who ran off to their MP to report it probably wasn't wearing their tinfoil hat that day or doesn't have a sense of humour.

If a guard took the p*** out of Huddersfield, I'd just laugh.

To quote A42's comment on the Doncaster FreePress...

Not sure about the political correctness gone mad bit, seems to be an overused statement to throw in at anything people disagree with these days. Obviously they'd delete the comment "some people just need to get a f**king grip" if I posted it though so I'll just post Mahlers response:

What a fuss about nothing. Does no one have a sense of humor these days!

 

[keith1879]

Not sure about the political correctness gone mad bit, seems to be an overused statement to throw in at anything people disagree with these days. Obviously they'd delete the comment "some people just need to get a f**king grip" if I posted it though so I'll just post Mahlers response:

It IS a lot of fuss about nothing. But if our conclusion is that we should make announcements that we think are funny and our customers should laugh then I think we all need to remind ourselves who pays the bills. The customer is always right - even if we think he/she is wrong.

(I use the first person to make a point - I don't work for the railways).

 

[CyrusWuff]

When the TPE 170s first arrived on Chiltern, someone managed to get one to display "Harrogate" on the PIS.

This resulted in an announcement along the following lines at Marylebone, "Platform n for the hh:mm Chiltern Railways service to <blah>, calling at <blah>. Despite what the train may think, it is definitely not going to Harrogate. That's Platform n for the hh:mm service to <blah>. Again, this train is not going to Harrogate, despite what it says on the on-board displays."

 

[185]

I've just seen a post where someone complained about their train being abbreviated to four coaches.

I make it my mission to use this in an announcement during next week.

Kinda like the movie Super Troopers - trying to say Meow 10 times during an arrest :P

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

Just catching up with all these and I suddenly remember another one - Many years ago (when I was a teen), I was standing at York watching the trains go by when a steam hauled charter train limped in and stopped on the outside platforms.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the train at Platform 10 was not due to stop here, but it has decided otherwise - this is due to a broken down old boiler" <five second pause> "Kind of like my wife, really..."

 

[bluenoxid]

I have been on a train where passing reference has been made to the local football club. It was very amusing.

Also got welcomed into Newcastle last week at Doncaster on a train to Leeds