The Bad Advice Thread

[backontrack]

What are some pieces of comically terrible advice you could give to visitors to the UK?
I'll start us off:

Americans, remember that things here have different names. If you need to fill up your car, don't ask for 'gasoline'. We call it 'diesel'.

 

[xotGD]

Visiting Scotland in summer? Shorts and T-shirts are all you will need to pack.

 

[Gloster]

London taxi drivers enjoy haggling over prices.

 

[Acey]

All UK residents are English .

 

[hexagon789]

What are some pieces of comically terrible advice you could give to visitors to the UK?
I'll start us off:

Americans, remember that things here have different names. If you need to fill up your car, don't ask for 'gasoline'. We call it 'diesel'.

I assume you mean 'petrol' or is that the point?

 

[backontrack]

I assume you mean 'petrol' or is that the point?

That's the point - it's misleading, bad advice

 

[High Dyke]

If you visit a chemist and ask for a 'rubber' you'll be directed to a stationers.

 

[Caboose Class]

Just like in Switzerland, trains run on time.

 

[Trackman]

If you visit a chemist and ask for a 'rubber' you'll be directed to a stationers.

This would have been even more confusing depending on which country they came from if they visited a stationers and asked for 'Durex'

lifted from the web...
I think Jasper Carrot did a routine about it too.

[Fabio walks into my office after lunch] Fabio: Tonito, do you have a durex for me? Tonito: What?! Why? Fabio: I need some. Tony: Now?!?! Fabio: Yes. Just give me some durex. Tony: Where did you have lunch for you to need durex now?!?! [Maybe he found a girl while at lunch] Fabio: At the college, but what does that have to do with anything? [The college next door was all male] Tony: Right, Fabio, point to me on my desk what is Durex… Fabio: [points at sticky tape] This!! Tonito: Ummm… That’s sticky tape… Durex are condoms. Fabio: Stupid Portuguese! Tonito: How the hell are we the stupid ones??
He wanted sticky tape, which they call durex in Brazil due to a brand of sticky tape. I thought he wanted a condom, as everywhere else durex is a condom brand. I found out later that this was obviously a common exchange between Brazilian and Europeans and Americans. There is even an example in our office in Portugal, where a Portuguese secretary was very offended with her Brazilian boss when he asked for durex, that she threatened to report him for indecent behaviour.

 

[birchesgreen]

When British people ask how are you they expect you to tell them exactly how you are in great and exacting detail.

 

[SuspectUsual]

Every British placename is pronounced exactly as it is written

 

[daodao]

Every British place name is pronounced exactly as it is written

That is generally true for place names written properly in the "British" language (Cymraeg), such as Ynys-y-bŵl, but obviously not for English place names such as Altrincham.

 

[Mcr Warrior]

That is generally true for place names written properly in the "British" language (Cymraeg), such as Ynys-y-bŵl, but obviously not for English place names such as Altrincham.

Not that far off when compared with how spelt. Pronounced "Alt-rinc-ham". (The "c" pronounced as a "k").

 

[Gloster]

When attending the Changing of the Guard, there is a prize for whoever collects the most bearskins.

 

[daodao]

Not that far off when compared with how spelt. Pronounced "Alt-rinc-ham". (The "c" pronounced as a "k").

It is pronounced "Oltringum".

 

[py_megapixel]

If you want a take-away lunch or a cup of coffee, the best value is usually found at establishments within railway stations.

 

[Cowley]

The most artisan organic food is sold in your local Happy Shopper (hence the name obviously).

 

[Gloster]

At a wedding, it brings good luck for the the bride and bridegroom if a foreigner stands in front of them when the photos are taken.

 

[Mcr Warrior]

It is pronounced "Oltringum".

Not really, IMHO.

 

[Gloster]

Try visiting a festival such as Glastonbury, but remember that smart formal dress is required. Most importantly, ensure that your shoes are highly polished.

 

[Cowley]

Try visiting a festival such as Glastonbury, but remember that smart formal dress is required. Most importantly, ensure that your shoes are highly polished.

Also worth remembering that most of the attendees at Glastonbury vote Tory. So some kind of blue rosette always goes down well in that situation especially as you toast the crowd with a glass of bubbly.

 

[Paul Jones 88]

Ponders End is where you go if tired of life!

 

[D821]

When trying to fit in, attempting an English accent will endear you to the locals. Dick Van Dyke's performance In Mary Poppins provides an excellent guide.

 

[Gloster]

Why not attend a service at St Paul’s Cathedral, but remember that Sunday evening is karaoke.

 

[Busaholic]

As you're not used to our motorways, please feel free to drive in the centre lane at 50 mph maximum- you will be rewarded by grateful drivers flashing their headlights behind you, or even encouraging you with their hooters.

In supermarkets, it is considered courteous to engage your cashier in intimate social chat, and don't be too ready to pay, either. You are expected to fumble around for purse or wallet: change is always encouraged, in as small a denomination as possible, and if after twenty minutes you're still short of 19p, the queue behind you will only be too eager to make up the shortfall, each person indicating with one or two fingers how much they'd like to contribute.

 

[bspahh]

This would have been even more confusing depending on which country they came from if they visited a stationers and asked for 'Durex'

lifted from the web...
I think Jasper Carrot did a routine about it too.

This is Mike Harding bit about buying rubbers in New York

 

[Gloster]

Curry has become a popular meal in Britain, but if you are unfamiliar with it start with a mild one such as vindaloo.

 

[xotGD]

If visiting Sunderland or Middlesbrough it courteous to refer to the locals as Geordies.

 

[ainsworth74]

If visiting Sunderland or Middlesbrough it courteous to refer to the locals as Geordies.

Okay. This thread had been quite funny. But this is too far. Too far!

 

[Gloster]

Go to Salisbury to see the 123 metre tall cathedral spire. You will be so impressed that you will come again the next day.