Funny Guard Announcements.

[deltic1989]

Just had one pop into my head, though its not really an announcement. It was a sign on the door of the Gents at Nottingham about 10 years ago, it said " these toilets are currently out of order due to maintainance. Sorry for the incontinance this may cause." I was a little young to understand the error at the time, but my Uncle kindly explained it for me.

 

[DarloRich]

Very happy guard on the 2026 darlo saltburn bit of funny chat for each passenger when doing tickets and the use of owt when telling you not to forget your stuff when you get off

 

[trainophile]

I was on a virgin train to Liverpool,we stopped at Runcorn,and the tm announced we were pulling in at Stockport.Also I was once on a Merseyrail train,from Liverpool to Southport, and at every stop the automated announcer,kept saying the next stop is Sandhills.

That wasn't a one-off (the Sandhills one). I've been on that train several times over the last three years and they still don't seem to have got it sorted. I always wonder why they don't just turn the damn thing off as it gets a bit annoying after a while. Everyone smiles at first, but by Formby it becomes irritating.

 

[Drsatan]

I can remember a few rather funny announcements.

About 10 years ago, I was on a Cardiff - Portsmouth Harbour service when the guard announced as the train was approaching Portsmouth Harbour 'This train is now approaching Portsmouth Harbour, where it will terminate, otherwise we'd end up in the sea!'

On a Croydon Tramlink service about seven years ago where the tram stopped unexpectedly somewhere near Therapia Way for about 20 minutes. The driver then said 'Does anyone have a penny for the meter?' As I was 14 at the time I didn't understand the joke, but my dad explained it to me

Last year, I'd caught the 1910 XC departure from Basingstoke as far as Southampton Central, which was running around 20 minutes late. Soon after passing Worting Junction, the train stopped to allow the 1835 from Waterloo to overtake. The guard then announced that 'Brian Souter must have bribed the signalman since we're being held to allow an SWT train to go past us!

Finally, once I was on the 1439 departure to Southampton Central from Waterloo, and soon after departing Waterloo, the guard announced 'This is the very slow train to Brockenhurst!'. At least she was being honest!

 

[jon0844]

There's no need to panic, though, providing you are ready to leave. I must say that in years of using the tube (since I was about 3 years old), I don't recall a single time where I have been unable to get off at the station I wanted

I don't think I have either - and at the end of the day, the next stop isn't going to be that far away. If you can't get off, you've probably got quite near the door so get off at the next stop and travel back.

In fact, at some stations, you may find it easier to just walk up to street level and walk back!!

 

[Lrd]

That wasn't a one-off (the Sandhills one). I've been on that train several times over the last three years and they still don't seem to have got it sorted. I always wonder why they don't just turn the damn thing off as it gets a bit annoying after a while. Everyone smiles at first, but by Formby it becomes irritating.

It's set by the driver on most occasions, so if he can't hear it/is to busy then it won't be reset until either someone lets him know or has time at a suitable station to reset it.

 

[IanXC]

Waiting an hour for a Stanstead train from Birmingham. When we got to Leicester, the guard announced: "Apologies for the delay to this service, this was caused by a... pheasant, getting stuck in the couplers... shorting the electrics. I repeat, a pheasant, caught in the couplers, shorted the electrics.."

A guard on a Bridlington-Sheffield kept repeating a that we had been delayed by "track circuit problems near Beverley". I overheard the conversation of a couple sat across from me: "I thought these were diesel trains?"...

 

[PFX]

Not on a train itself but heard at Embra Haymarket a few years back during particularly bad weather. Most trains were either cancelled or heavily delayed with the exception of the 'all important' Embra Glasgow express. As the announcer told us all of the next cancelled train, he added "it's the biggest pantomime since Snow White".

 

[atillathehunn]

This was a joke from the conductor on a train in the Netherlands a few weeks ago.

"Voor Venlo en Echt hebben we een andere trein in gedachten
Wie daar naartoe wil, moet op spoor 4 even wachten
Dag mevrouw en dag meneer
We zien elkaar vast weer een keer"

* ****, wat rijmt er op Sittard? *

...5 minuten later...

"Of u nu staat of zit,
In Sittard wordt deze trein gesplit"

The rhyme is the amusing bit, it doesn't translate into English all that well!

 

[plymothian]

TM on FGW yesterday:

'For the people currently sat in first class on a standard ticket, I'll allow you to stay there until Reading when approximately 300 people will leave the train and there'll be enough seats. Anyone in FC after Reading on a SC ticket will then be charged WF upgrade.'

and

'Those who've joined the train at Reading at the last minute this is the xx:xx to Plymouth, people for Didcot, Swindon, Bath, Bristol, Cardiff and Wales get back off 'cos we turn left in a bit.'

 

[Eng274]

The alliterating XC guard is fairly well-known, was wondering how long before someone mentioned him in this thread...

Not sure if this is the same XC guard I had a few months back...:

"Good evening warriors, welcome aboard the xx:xx cross country service to yyy"

"Good evening, and a special welcome to the beautiful young lady who boarded us at 'zzz'..." [she was the only one that boarded I think]

And on the same service further still, courtesy of the catering manager....

"I will be making my way through the train with the drinks trolley. It is very heavy, and made of unforgiving metal, so I would be grateful if the aisle is cleared of all bags, suitcases, arms, legs, heads, other body parts, small children and pets."

 

[150222]

Not sure if this is the same XC guard I had a few months back...:

"Good evening warriors, welcome aboard the xx:xx cross country service to yyy"

"Good evening, and a special welcome to the beautiful young lady who boarded us at 'zzz'..." [she was the only one that boarded I think]

And on the same service further still....

"I will be making my way through the train with the drinks trolley. It is very heavy, and made of unforgiving metal, so I would be grateful if the aisle is cleared of all bags, suitcases, arms, legs, heads, other body parts, small children and pets."

I think that will have been the catering manager as the TM's don't do the trolley.

 

[Eng274]

I think that will have been the catering manager as the TM's don't do the trolley.

Well obviously, both were playing funnybúggers.

 

[Minilad]

This was a joke from the conductor on a train in the Netherlands a few weeks ago.

"Voor Venlo en Echt hebben we een andere trein in gedachten
Wie daar naartoe wil, moet op spoor 4 even wachten
Dag mevrouw en dag meneer
We zien elkaar vast weer een keer"

* ****, wat rijmt er op Sittard? *

...5 minuten later...

"Of u nu staat of zit,
In Sittard wordt deze trein gesplit"

The rhyme is the amusing bit, it doesn't translate into English all that well!

Guess you had to be there

 

[scotsman]

On tour with SRPS is always fun - sitting in Aberdeen station (the former platform 1), just after 7am, following the strangest nights sleep I've ever had

Alistair, our TM for the day "Good morning...anyone wanting a cooked breakfast, please make your way to the RBR...NOW!"

 

[150222]

Well obviously, both were playing funnybúggers.

Oh, I see. Sorry.

 

[Laryk]

Yesturday, at about 21:45

Ladies and Gentlemen, we will shortly be crossing the River Tamar. Due to essential Engineering works, please refrain from using the toilets. Those already in the toilets, please wait until we are across the bridge before flushing.

 

[Requeststop]

A few years back Travelling on a XC to Truro from Penzance, on a service to Aberdeen, after calling out all the "station stops" (a phrase that really annoys me) for nearly 2 minutes, the announcer commented "thank God I only work to Plymouth".

I was thinking that in the old BR days we'd be told where to change as well! Never seems to happen in these days of Franchises!

 

[ollyrogers]

Last year, I'd caught the 1910 XC departure from Basingstoke as far as Southampton Central, which was running around 20 minutes late. Soon after passing Worting Junction, the train stopped to allow the 1835 from Waterloo to overtake. The guard then announced that 'Brian Souter must have bribed the signalman since we're being held to allow an SWT train to go past us!

I'm not surprised, it's almost 200 years late!

 

[185]

"This train arrives at Manchester Piccadilly at 2018.

It may be an old decrepid FirstGroup train, but 2018's the time, and not the year it arrives at."

 

[Bungle73]

I was thinking that in the old BR days we'd be told where to change as well! Never seems to happen in these days of Franchises!

They do on Southeastern.

 

[466.networkers]

They do on Southeastern.

Not a guard announcement, but a PIS announcement.

"We will shortly be arriving at Sittingbourne. Change here for stations to Sheerness-on-Sea"

Riiiiiggghhtt, we want to go back where we've just came from ....

 

[Bungle73]

Not a guard announcement, but a PIS announcement.

"We will shortly be arriving at Sittingbourne. Change here for stations to Sheerness-on-Sea"

Riiiiiggghhtt, we want to go back where we've just came from ....

Most of the time it is the guard; and they do it (sometimes) on the mainline too.

 

[Michael.Y]

Most ATW guards worth their salt list the full list of destinations on approach to Newport, Hereford, Shrewsbury and Chester at least.

Of course, the Tube does "Change here for..." annos all the time.

 

[Whistler40145]

What tickles me is that when all trains arriving at Blackpool North are approaching the station, there is always an announcement 'This train terminates here, all change'. I always think where else can the train go!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[tsr]

Of course, the Tube does "Change here for..." annos all the time.

Such as at Kings Cross St Pancras, where the announcement sometimes goes on for so long that sometimes the doors are closing just as it finishes. I have noticed this on the Victoria Line in particular.

 

[calc7]

A guard on a Bridlington-Sheffield kept repeating a that we had been delayed by "track circuit problems near Beverley". I overheard the conversation of a couple sat across from me: "I thought these were diesel trains?"...

That is my favourite from this thread! Passenger innocence, eh.

I was on a Liverpool Street to Norwich service. When we stopped at Colchester one of the chavs in the seats behind exclaimed "we've run out of coal".

 

[43094]

Some background to this: The 0729 ex Leeds to York normally calls Crossgates, Garforth, East Garforth, Micklefield, York. The 0741 ex Leeds to York normally calls Garforth, Church Fenton and York. Today the 0729 was caped at Leeds, so the 0741 had additional stops to cover the 0729.

The PIS announcement and monitors at Leeds showed: Crossgates, East Garforth, Garforth, Micklefield, Church Fenton, York!

Fail....

 

[dvboy]

Most ATW guards worth their salt list the full list of destinations on approach to Newport, Hereford, Shrewsbury and Chester at least.

Of course, the Tube does "Change here for..." annos all the time.

There's an XC guard who will give a variety of ATW destinations to change for at Wolverhampton. Even when the ATW service came from the last station you were at, 6 minutes before the one you were on, so the next one is 54 minutes away, and will only going to some of those destinations mentioned!

 

[Eagle]

There's an XC guard who will give a variety of ATW destinations to change for at Wolverhampton. Even when the ATW service came from the last station you were at, 6 minutes before the one you were on, so the next one is 54 minutes away, and will only going to some of those destinations mentioned!

The ΡISs on XC Voyagers seem to be really idiosyncratic with which destinations they came at. My favourite is the one for Leamington, which no matter what direction you came from will say "Change here for Warwick, Stratford, Solihull and Birmingham Moor St." Despite the fact that you are either going to or have just come from a station in that bit of Birmingham (often as the last/next stop).

Darlington gets a whole array of small stations in County Durham, Reading gets nothing.