Funny Guard Announcements.

[DarloRich]

I was on an East Coast service recently when the gaurd had a little fact about each station the train called at. Doncaster was the best "a dark and forboding place full of evil trolls and monsters (pause...._ at least it was until my mother in law moved to Grimsby. Now i think i might have been a bit harsh on the place and it seems quite nice today, anyway change here for............"

I have also had conductors read out the football results before, preceeded my the "if you dont want to know the score look away now"

 

[Ivo]

I have also had conductors read out the football results before, preceeded my the "if you dont want to knowe the score look away now"

Hang on a sec; what use is "look away now"? It works with MOTD etc because you can look away from the screen and mute the volume (or just turn it off), but you can't mute a conductor!

 

[londonbridge]

Not a guard for this one but a station announcer. Was at Clapham Junction on the way home during the evening rush hour,there was some disruption (can't remember exactly what now) and a two car train came in! The announcer said he "apologised for the ridiculous length of the train at platform 13" and asked any passengers travelling to East Croydon to wait for the following train so that those going further along the line could board the two car.

Also on Grand Central last week there was a problem with the volume on the pa,such that it sounded as though the train manager was shouting each time she made an announcement. As we left York a guy who'd just boarded was making a joke that "could you speak up as we couldn't quite hear you on the platform at Doncaster". She was good humoured about it and they'd managed to fix it by the time we got to Thirsk and Northallerton.

 

[DarloRich]

Hang on a sec; what use is "look away now"? It works with MOTD etc because you can look away from the screen and mute the volume (or just turn it off), but you can't mute a conductor!

A joke i would think!

 

[broadbander]

"The Ram" on Virgin trains.

There's a couple of videos of his announcements on youtube:
video 1
video 2

 

[anthony263]

I had a very jolly bloke on the trolley service on a 175 from Cardiff-Manchester, saying things like 'we do sell ice-cream on board normally but it's too cold this winter!' and generally having a laugh. Certainly had the passengers giggling. Shame not all staff can be like that!

I have had him once and that conducter who is always in a jolly mood, annocuing things such as welcome to Sunny Neath

 

[brillopad]

Not a Guard but an XC driver today rounding Red Rock bend into Dawlish Warren was playing 'Ilkley Moor' on the horns.

 

[deltic1989]

Not a Guard but an XC driver today rounding Red Rock bend into Dawlish Warren was playing 'Ilkley Moor' on the horns.

bit that sounded great to all the prople on the sea wall (not that there would be many in January)

Hang on a sec; what use is "look away now"? It works with MOTD etc because you can look away from the screen and mute the volume (or just turn it off), but you can't mute a conductor!

Stick your fingers in your ears, or put some heavy metal on at full volume till he's done.

 

[embers25]

The guard on the Exeter to Waterloo train from Exeter today walked through the train singing "Could I see your tickets please?".
Beat the guard from Salisbury who never came out of his cab.

 

[Crossover]

Perhaps the TMs on Virgin trains could give out the current weather for the benefit of passengers without windows.

Funnily enough I was speaking to someone tonight (sorry to whoever it was, hope you don't mind me posting) who had come off a Pendolino and they said something about having brollies ready as the weather here (in the ever so sunny Manchester) was rather rubbish (I guess leaving London it probably wouldn't have been so bad)

Not a Guard but an XC driver today rounding Red Rock bend into Dawlish Warren was playing 'Ilkley Moor' on the horns.

In the olympics will they be giving it the usual "chant" on the horns (doesn't really work in written form....)

 

[Aictos]

I remember travelling Edinburgh to Edinburgh via Aberdeen and while on the GNER at the time hearing the guard make their announcement and asking my friend who was based within Scotland with GNER if they had installed a automatic CIS on the trains.

Took me a while to believe it was actually a human voice, there's clips of this guard on YouTube approaching Dundee now that's a legend!

 

[gary47]

I was on a virgin train to Liverpool,we stopped at Runcorn,and the tm announced we were pulling in at Stockport.Also I was once on a Merseyrail train,from Liverpool to Southport, and at every stop the automated announcer,kept saying the next stop is Sandhills.

 

[tsr]

I was on a virgin train to Liverpool,we stopped at Runcorn,and the tm announced we were pulling in at Stockport.Also I was once on a Merseyrail train,from Liverpool to Southport, and at every stop the automated announcer,kept saying the next stop is Sandhills.

I have mentioned before on this forum that I was once on a 377 heading from Horsham to London Victoria, and the onboard information system was insisting that the next station would be Littlehampton prior to our arrival at both East Croydon and Clapham Junction stations. The announcement from the guard himself just as we approached East Croydon went something like this: "Ladies and gentlemen, would you please ignore the nonsense coming out of the PA system: the next station is in fact East Croydon, not Littlehampton".

 

[Inox]

got into Manc Victoria (where my train terminated)

and one of the more miserable Guards said this over the PA:

"guess what"
"what"
"a northern rail train ran on time"
"wheyy"

 

[scotsman]

I remember travelling Edinburgh to Edinburgh via Aberdeen and while on the GNER at the time hearing the guard make their announcement and asking my friend who was based within Scotland with GNER if they had installed a automatic CIS on the trains.

Took me a while to believe it was actually a human voice, there's clips of this guard on YouTube approaching Dundee now that's a legend!

His name's Peter, he's based in Aberdeen and is aware of his fame. Most people think he's a computer, but his announcements are absolutely fantastic...I'll upload one of my recordings of him at some point

 

[ANorthernGuard]

got into Manc Victoria (where my train terminated)

and one of the more miserable Guards said this over the PA:

"guess what"
"what"
"a northern rail train ran on time"
"wheyy"

Class

 

[Aictos]

His name's Peter, he's based in Aberdeen and is aware of his fame. Most people think he's a computer, but his announcements are absolutely fantastic...I'll upload one of my recordings of him at some point

I met the guy a few years ago but never learnt his name at the time, thanks for the above.

 

[466.networkers]

Calling at Sittingbourne... Castletown, Peel, Ramsey and Douglas?

I hope that's an error - on either the driver's or your behalf - I'd book an appointment to see the local dementia team if you've began to forget what island you live on!

Saying that - Sittingbourne International - either that driver is indeed suffering from some sort of senility or he has a crystal ball and can see what the station will be called in the future if if Boris island gets clearance for takeoff.

Wasn't my error, I was laughing as was most the train, I think it might've been a joke between some pax and the guard or the guard and driver - the guard does the PA announcements, the driver only does if the train's delayed ...

Sittingbourne International is merely a joke, but it may have something to do with the airport plans ...

 

[dvboy]

The train I'm on is delayed by a "crew positioning error", whatever that means.

 

[Michael.Y]

Driver sat in the wrong cab?

 

[ValleyLines142]

Not so much an absolutely hilarious one, but I was on the 1702 Penarth to Bargoed train which calls at Cardiff at 1716 which got very busy. I was alighting at Queen Street and the conductor said: 'Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is the 1716 service to Bargoed, the next stop will be Cardiff Queen Street. Can I just say I realise the train is busy but do not panic if you are unable to make your way to the doors at Queen Street we will get you off the train so do not panic.''. Bless.

 

[scotsman]

I met the guy a few years ago but never learnt his name at the time, thanks for the above.

It's fairly common to have him on the 1450 ex-Aberdeen and the 1833 ex-Edinburgh

 

[tsr]

Not so much an absolutely hilarious one, but I was on the 1702 Penarth to Bargoed train which calls at Cardiff at 1716 which got very busy. I was alighting at Queen Street and the conductor said: 'Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is the 1716 service to Bargoed, the next stop will be Cardiff Queen Street. Can I just say I realise the train is busy but do not panic if you are unable to make your way to the doors at Queen Street we will get you off the train so do not panic.''. Bless.

That's an announcement that really should be repeated more often on the underground. More often than not, pax on crowded trains will push and shove to get off when there is probably sufficient (if not ample) time to do so. Since about 50% of those on the platform will be quite reasonable about waiting for the next train if the doors close, so will allow time for everyone to get off, I think people need to panic a bit less! That said, for those unfamiliar with the general way of doing things on the tube, I can understand why they feel a bit panicky.

Speaking of the underground reminds me of an announcement in Autumn 2011. The Victoria Line service I was travelling on was reasonably busy and had been held at Victoria for between five and ten minutes. Fortunately the station was not particularly crowded. The driver proceeded to announce that "Someone has pushed the alarm button at Oxford Circus. I have to say it's a right nuisance when this happens, and since it's a false alarm, I shall be trying to get us moving shortly." Shortly afterwards, the train did indeed depart.

Whilst most announcements on the tube are limited in terms of humour, I do think they contain information that customers appreciate, and the frequency and timing is normally pretty good.

 

[Aictos]

It's fairly common to have him on the 1450 ex-Aberdeen and the 1833 ex-Edinburgh

Thanks,

 

[Bungle73]

That's an announcement that really should be repeated more often on the underground. More often than not, pax on crowded trains will push and shove to get off when there is probably sufficient (if not ample) time to do so. Since about 50% of those on the platform will be quite reasonable about waiting for the next train if the doors close, so will allow time for everyone to get off, I think people need to panic a bit less! That said, for those unfamiliar with the general way of doing things on the tube, I can understand why they feel a bit panicky.

Yeah, but on the Tube if you don't alight pretty sharpish you're going to get stopped by the hoards trying to board; and it's not like Tube trains spend long at each station.

 

[Aictos]

It's fairly common to have him on the 1450 ex-Aberdeen and the 1833 ex-Edinburgh

Thanks,

 

[ValleyLines142]

That's an announcement that really should be repeated more often on the underground. More often than not, pax on crowded trains will push and shove to get off when there is probably sufficient (if not ample) time to do so. Since about 50% of those on the platform will be quite reasonable about waiting for the next train if the doors close, so will allow time for everyone to get off, I think people need to panic a bit less! That said, for those unfamiliar with the general way of doing things on the tube, I can understand why they feel a bit panicky.

Speaking of the underground reminds me of an announcement in Autumn 2011. The Victoria Line service I was travelling on was reasonably busy and had been held at Victoria for between five and ten minutes. Fortunately the station was not particularly crowded. The driver proceeded to announce that "Someone has pushed the alarm button at Oxford Circus. I have to say it's a right nuisance when this happens, and since it's a false alarm, I shall be trying to get us moving shortly." Shortly afterwards, the train did indeed depart.

Whilst most announcements on the tube are limited in terms of humour, I do think they contain information that customers appreciate, and the frequency and timing is normally pretty good.

Yes, I agree. I was getting on a tube at Holborn and it was very overcrowded, almost unbearable.

 

[Badger]

Waiting an hour for a Stanstead train from Birmingham. When we got to Leicester, the guard announced: "Apologies for the delay to this service, this was caused by a... pheasant, getting stuck in the couplers... shorting the electrics. I repeat, a pheasant, caught in the couplers, shorted the electrics.."

 

[tsr]

Yeah, but on the Tube if you don't alight pretty sharpish you're going to get stopped by the hoards trying to board; and it's not like Tube trains spend long at each station.

There's no need to panic, though, providing you are ready to leave. I must say that in years of using the tube (since I was about 3 years old), I don't recall a single time where I have been unable to get off at the station I wanted, nor have I seen too many instances of people missing their stops because of overcrowding. Sometimes I have had to wield multiple bulky and heavy items of luggage during the evening rush hour. People do miss out on alighting, but rarely enough for you not to panic.

(P.S. I regularly use the Victoria, Jubilee, Central and Northern lines in both the morning and evening peaks, as well as outside of those times, and also other lines, all generally in Central London - e.g. Zones 1 and 2. )

 

[LE Greys]

There's no need to panic, though, providing you are ready to leave. I must say that in years of using the tube (since I was about 3 years old), I don't recall a single time where I have been unable to get off at the station I wanted, nor have I seen too many instances of people missing their stops because of overcrowding. Sometimes I have had to wield multiple bulky and heavy items of luggage during the evening rush hour. People do miss out on alighting, but rarely enough for you not to panic.

(P.S. I regularly use the Victoria, Jubilee, Central and Northern lines in both the morning and evening peaks, as well as outside of those times, and also other lines, all generally in Central London - e.g. Zones 1 and 2. )

It's not that much of a worry on the Tube unless you're in a tearing hurry to get somewhere. The next station is usually about three minutes away, so it doesn't take all that long to get back. Not like me failing to get off at Westbury once and ending up in Taunton. And even that's not as bad as the story of someone who got the Coronation from Edinburgh to Newcastle, but fell asleep...
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It's fairly common to have him on the 1450 ex-Aberdeen and the 1833 ex-Edinburgh

I remember him from a few occasions, but normally it's a chap called George (who's surname is not Galloway, but ought to be) on the Friday evening service.