Funny Guard Announcements.

[island]

"We will shortly be arriving at Swindon; because of long platforms you will need to use any door to leave the train. Change here for stations to south Wales and the south-west".

 

[cjohnson]

Heard on the Jubilee line a few years back: "The next train, like many a promising young footballer's career, will terminate at West Ham"

 

[317666]

I was at Harrow-on-the-Hill in the evening peak a few years ago, and a man was manually announcing the trains. Except, he was doing it more in the style of a commentator "We've got two trains... One coming through North Harrow at the moment..." Which was then interrupted by "Look, stand clear of the doors! You're just not listening are you mate?" Then a pause, then "Thank you!".

 

[GatwickDepress]

I've had a guard on the last service of the night from Portsmouth Harbour to Brighton enthusiastically announce: "The next station is beautiful bonny Bognor!"

 

[gimmea50anyday]

On a late running service

Please mind the gap between the timetable and reality

 

[TomW]

There's a guard on Merseyrail's Wirral Line who sounds a bit like Jon Pertwee.

On a completely unrelated note I did hear this when I was coming into JLA after a trip to france one year "Passengers should refrain from smoking until they have left the airport, or alternatively stop smoking altogether" (probably nowhere near what he actually said but it was amusing)

Also not too long ago I was travelling on a TP 185 on a Liverpool-Scarborough service that arrived ~12 minutes late and the guard came on the PA to apologise and actually explain the full situation, which put a smile on my face.

 

[tsr]

I'm not sure I've mentioned it in the mists of the 25 pages of this thread, but I did fairly recently have a Virgin TM directly ask me, fairly loudly, in a worried tone and with a completely straight face, "Where actually are we?" (on approach to Chester).

It turned out he'd been tipped off by a friend of mine that rail enthusiasts might be onboard, and he was just winding up anyone who was taking an unusual interest in passing trains whilst standing in the long queue at the buffet!

 

[Realfish]

I was once on a 319 where we couldnt get out, as most of the doors wouldnt open. the driver was repeatedly apologetic until he picked up an engineer (through one of the opening doors) at a station south of London, we stopped for 10 minutes in the platform while the engineer did something, and then all the doors recovered and we continued to Brighton...

O/T: Not an announcement, but you've reminded me of a journey between Monte Carlo and Cannes on an ancient Provence-Alpes-Côte d'Azur train a few years back.

When we got to Nice and were ready to depart the doors wouldn't close. Lots of pushing, shoving and Gallic shrugging met with no success, nevertheless it was decided that we'd set off anyway...doors open on the rammed service, all the way to Cannes.

 

[PR1Berske]

Someone I don't know has posted this in a comment underneath a friend's facebook status update (he's stuck on a train from Penrith with, and I quote, "a fine bunch of Dundee women making light work of a crate of Bulmer's")


"The train manager on this Virgin train to Wigan has just asked on the tannoy for a corkscrew because a passenger hasn't got one for her Chablis!"

 

[callum112233]

I was on a Manchester Victoria-Wigan Wallgate service last saturday and the guard said: 'Welcome to this Northern service to Leeds via Bradford interchange. oops, wrong one. Welcome to this Northern service to Wigan. Calling at Swinton, Moorside, Walkden, Atherton, Hag Fold International, Daisy Hill, Hindley, Ince and Wigan Wallgate.'

Amusing

 

[elarchibaldo]

I know this is a station announcement, but...
"can all passengers here at Manchester Airport remember to use the lift if they have luggage"
two minutes later...
"That means you Sir, yes, the one in the red jacket. You are blocking the other passengers!"
It was funny!

 

[corin paul]

Just sat on the 14:33 Lincoln-Leicester, and the guard in his announcement of the station calls did so in the manner of a catholic priest singing a psalm at sunday mass. really got a laugh out of the passengers. He's also now coming down the train checing tickets singing his heart out, good to know the guy enjoys his work.
Had one guard the other week also who when announcing that the next station call would be Lowdham, said "the next stattion stop will be loooooowwwwwwddddham" in a way that made him sound worried the train wouldnt stop.

I have had the Guard many a time, he wear's a Cross with Juses on it nice bloke. He must be a Nottingham base man or Lincoln may be.

http://railphotoarchive.org/rpc_zoom.php?img=1364021982000

 

[howittpie]

Just remebered from Monday night a driver announcment on FCC leaving Cricklewood it was long and went like this, Can passenger please not hold the doors open as this may delay the train we try and get to all stations on time and this action delays the train. He went onto say that as theese trains are old and fragile so it may damage the train

 

[A-driver]

Someone I don't know has posted this in a comment underneath a friend's facebook status update (he's stuck on a train from Penrith with, and I quote, "a fine bunch of Dundee women making light work of a crate of Bulmer's")


"The train manager on this Virgin train to Wigan has just asked on the tannoy for a corkscrew because a passenger hasn't got one for her Chablis!"

Years ago I saw a woman on a southern service have quite a go at the guard for not having a corkscrew. She asked if he had one for her bottle if wine. He said afraid not and she asked if he could fetch one and come back with it. When he said that there wasn't one onboard the train she had quite a go at him along the lines of 'are you telling me that you don't have any corkscrews at all in these trains?! I honestly can't believe that!'

It's ridiculous really isn't it-you pay all that money for a ticket to find the train running late, probably over crowded and dirty with a toilet locked out of order and to top it all the train dosnt even have a corkscrew onboard! I mean I would be equally frustrated if I popped into my local pub for a pint and when I asked what time we arrived in Glasgow the landlord told me that the pub dosnt actually go anywhere.

Of course since witnessing that I always check when leaving my house to start work that I have remembered my hi vis, id badge, railway keys, publications, traction manuals, torch, sun glasses, sandwiches, emergency corkscrew...

 

[Michael.Y]

I started carrying a Luxembourg Army Knife* with me because people kept bringing bottles of Budweiser etc. onto the train to drink but forgot to bring a bottle opener. :roll: Also has a corkscrew on it. And a thing for getting stones out of horses hooves, just in case that fellah at Wrexham gets up to his old tricks again.


*Like a Swiss Army Knife except from the pound shop.

 

[Cletus]

I was on HS1 arriving at Stratford International Friday last week when the train manger announced in addition "hold your ears gentlemen - Westfield Stratford shopping centre"
Possibly the happiest announcer I've ever heard (he sounded American).

 

[Bungle73]

I was on HS1 arriving at Stratford International Friday last week when the train manger announced in addition "hold your ears gentlemen - Westfield Stratford shopping centre"
Possibly the happiest announcer I've ever heard (he sounded American).

Yeah, there is an American-sounding one frequenting the HS1 route. I've had him often.

 

[Cletus]

Yeah, there is an American-sounding one frequenting the HS1 route. I've had him often.

Too much information

 

[Bungle73]

Too much information

LOL!

 

[Eastcoast43208]

Heard this one from a few Guards ... "Attention all passengers they will now be a routine ticket inspection please have your tickets, passes and good excuses at the ready please "

 

[AlexS]

I have had the Guard many a time, he wear's a Cross with Juses on it nice bloke. He must be a Nottingham base man or Lincoln may be.

http://railphotoarchive.org/rpc_zoom.php?img=1364021982000

Nice chap - alas no longer to be found on board the trains, he does customer service now at Nottingham. Formerly a Lincoln conductor.

 

[tankmc]

Met train driver at Moor Park

"This train is for the ever so fabulous Chesham, if you are wanting to go to Watford you are on the wrooooooooooooong train."

Same driver at KX

"Please move down the train... breathe in people"

 

[185143]

we were once told when my train was a single 3 car train rather than two 3 car trains that the other three coaches couldn't be bothered getting out of bed

 

[trainophile]

we were once told when my train was a single 3 car train rather than two 3 car trains that the other three coaches couldn't be bothered getting out of bed

Merseyrail?

 

[185143]

Merseyrail?

No, First TransPennine Express on the 07:15 service from Liverpool Lime Street
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
Today on the delayed 17:37 Manchester pic to Liverpool

At Irlam
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now arriving into Birchwood, sorry that'l be Irlam!"

 

[jnjkerbin]

On a Southeastern service (I think) a while ago which had stopped at a signal inside a tunnel:

Lady says to her husband : I Hope nothing runs into the back of us!
Guard who was just walking past: I hope so too Madam, I hope so too!

 

[Nym]

Anyone hear the driver on the vic line the other week...

"Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. And shoppers, welcome to Oxford Circus, change here for the Bakerloo Line and Central Line. Exit here for some lovely shops, including Hamleys on Regent Street and several very expensive stores on Carnaby Street, this is your Southbound Victoria Line service to Brixton, calling at all stations including Victoria. Please mind the closing doors, mind the doors, please, don't jam the doors..."

The only places without these kind of announcements were Pimlico and Brixton.

 

[Starmill]

I was on a Metrolink tram outside the Newton Heath single line section during an ever-so-frequent "points failure" when the driver gave us some rather technical details:

"Although the points are set correctly, we do not appear to have the proceed aspect."

"We are about to pass this signal at danger, at a reduced speed. Please do not be alarmed when the blue SPAD lights are activated."!!

He also confided in us that he was "having difficulty getting in contact with control" haha! Not sure you should mention that!

 

[crispy1978]

Travelled on this train last night, and the conductor had most of the train in hysterics.

Started it off by saying "This is the 2020 train to Scarborough, calling at exotic locations such as Brighouse, Leeds, York, Malton, Seamer, and arriving at the Yorkshire Riviera of Scarborough at 2311" - that had us smiling.

Then, later he came up with "Over in Yorkshire, there has been some snow and ice. I am sorry, but due to the demise of common sense, I have to say that the snow and ice could be slippery" - well that had a lot of us in absolute stitches!!

Glad to see that there can be humour applied at times by the conductors - made the train journey much more pleasurable!

 

[gimmea50anyday]

That was Paul, he is one of our trainers.