Being friends with work colleagues

[amateur]

Isn't that getting a job by the back door. Doesn't attendance punctuality work experience demonstrating one can do the job, count for anything? It was only retail assistant.

I have worked at a supermarket. I don't stay in touch. But I could get a job at the same supermarket again if I wanted to without having to brown nose, be pally. Or network or be "friends" on facebook.
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When I've left jobs, it's almost as if people forget you the next day. You're just a work colleague. Not a friend?!

 

[DarloRich]

Isn't that getting a job by the back door. Doesn't attendance punctuality work experience demonstrating one can do the job, count for anything? It was only retail assistant.

I have worked at a supermarket. I don't stay in touch. But I could get a job at the same supermarket again if I wanted to without having to brown nose, be pally. Or network or be "friends" on facebook.
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When I've left jobs, it's almost as if people forget you the next day. You're just a work colleague. Not a friend?!

you don't really get it do you?

 

[theblackwatch]

At many places of work one of the essential requirements is something along the lines of "The ability to work as part of a team". That involves building up good relationships with colleagues, something which you appear not only to be poor at, but actually go out of your way not to do.

 

[DynamicSpirit]

Isn't that getting a job by the back door. Doesn't attendance punctuality work experience demonstrating one can do the job, count for anything? It was only retail assistant.

Retail assistant vacancies can attract dozens, perhaps hundreds of applicants, the vast majority of whom are from people who are capable of punctuality, good attendance, and are able to do the job. So how are the people selecting supposed to decide between all those people, any one of whom who could probably do the job perfectly well? I'm pretty certain that if I worked in retail and I was on the selection panel, a decisive factor would be, who am I most likely to enjoy working with, and feel comfortable working with, given that I'm likely to have to work with this person for quite a few hours during the week. And that means I'm probably not going to pick someone who I believe won't want to talk to, or develop a friendly relationship with me or with my other colleagues on the team.

(As it happens, I don't work in retail, but I'm sure the same principles would apply as in other industries. I have been on interview panels for professional jobs - and I have in the past recommended against employing people who appeared to have all the skills necessary for the job, but who came across as unfriendly - and therefore seemed to me unlikely to comfortably fit into the existing team.)

 

[richw]

All of the personality traits being mentioned here by Amateur match those of a relative with Asperger syndrome, surprised it hasn't been mentioned before in this thread. Maybe this is the case the OP needs support not ridicule.

Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as Asperger's, is a developmental disorder characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction

 

[amateur]

The OP is either extracting or has some serious issues that need help from medical professionals. I think there are several issues at play here. I wonder if this whole thread is not some gigantic wind up.

I am consulting CBT

I think from the posts it is okay to be friends with work colleagues and I need to change my attitude and not just talk about work at work

 

[DarloRich]

cbt? Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? That may explain some of the issues. Carry on with that as long as you can. It is very helpful if embraced positively.

You don't have to be best buddies with your colleagues but you do need to get on with them and have some form of relationship and to do that you need to engage with them and join in. It is hard if you feel awkward ( and we have all been there!) but you have to try.That is especially important if you don't have a big network of friends outside of work.

if you are diagnosed with a medical condition tell them. Most people will take that on board and try and involve you.

 

[LowLevel]

I am consulting CBT

I think from the posts it is okay to be friends with work colleagues and I need to change my attitude and not just talk about work at work

If you want to continue to work in team based or customer facing employment, then yes, you do. Otherwise you're working in the wrong places.

 

[sprinterguy]

People who like to keep their work and their social life separate, where do they meet their friends? Is it only OK to meet people at school or Uni and after that it is a no go?

I'm mildly surprised that a couple of contributors to this thread regard work as the primary source of genuine friends in adulthood: I personally think that there's a far greater likelihood of meeting like-minded people in groups or societies you might be associated with, in regularly frequented pubs or even perhaps on message boards such as this that have a lively calendar of social meet-ups.

That's not to say that you can't or shouldn't forge friendships in the work place, and there's a select group of former colleagues and cohorts I met in my previous job in the railway that I maintain regular contact with and meet up with on a regular basis to sink a few pints and put the world to rights on a Friday night, and a few others who I'm always interested to hear how they're getting on if I run into them. Personally I'd draw the line before romantic engagements in the workplace, but that's just my own personal preference for a degree of professional detachment and the small likelihood of meeting anybody with similar interests to myself in my working environment, were I single.

It's important, I think, to get on well with those you work with, and a bit of idle chatter about inconsequential subjects helps the day go by easier. I've got no interest in engaging in the inane conversations about what's on the telly or the latest office gossip that some of my colleagues find entertaining, but it's no hardship to act good-naturedly and pass comment on other topics, and I certainly see no harm in going for a few after work drinks from time to time.
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I don't tend to go for after work drinks too often as I don't live near work (20 or so miles between the two) which makes it a little impractical most of the time

I live over 60 miles from work and that's not enough to stop me. At one stage it was around 120 miles and that didn't generally stop me going for a couple of after work drinks on a Friday, although in the hectic world of franchise bidding by the time that Friday afternoon rolled around you were really in need of a drink!

 

[richw]

People who like to keep their work and their social life separate, where do they meet their friends? Is it only OK to meet people at school or Uni and after that it is a no go?

Most of my friends come from rugby club connections, either fellow players, officials or their friends and family.
A few I met through online forums,
My best mate who i've known around 10 years started from me buying some car parts off him on ebay and going to collect. We ended up chatting about his car collection and just got on from that.
We were best man for each others weddings, and speak daily probably.
I chat with ex colleagues and we have an annual reunion planned since my former employer closed.

 

[Tetchytyke]

I'm mildly surprised that a couple of contributors to this thread regard work as the primary source of genuine friends in adulthood: I personally think that there's a far greater likelihood of meeting like-minded people in groups or societies you might be associated with, in regularly frequented pubs or even perhaps on message boards such as this that have a lively calendar of social meet-ups.

I think it depends what job you do. Some employers are more likely to have like-minded people working for them than others, and some sectors are more likely to attract a certain type of person than others.

 

[Crossover]

Well in the job I got rejected for, I did decline the xmas dinner.

And the line manager asked me why.

What I wanted to say was "I'm not contractually obliged to go, and it doesn't impede or have an adverse effect to do my job effectively as a insert job title here"

Instead I blurted out "I'm vegetarian and don't drink alcohol" ....that backfired because the conversation went onto what my religion is! Awkward.
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For me that's a no-no.

Pretty much everywhere I work, when colleagues start fraternising with one other it raises eyebrows, and leads to office gossip...

I'm not sure - for some reason I found the whole "I'm not contracted to" line a bit of an odd one - he was an OK guy generally, though thinking back, we perhaps didn't have as much interaction with him as with the rest of the team, so maybe he was similar to you in that respect.

I guess it depends on what the Christmas do entails - the company I am with organise an evening at a local hotel where we have a room hired and isn't a "night on the town" as such. To be honest, with some colleagues, work invariably gets mentioned (and whinged about :P) as thats all some of us have in common so it can be difficult to get away from that. It generally doesn't bother me either way.

When it comes to drinking alcohol, I don't really drink either and it usually gets mentioned if I am drinking a soft drink, but I just brush it off

As for the other part you mention, we have quite a few couples working here - I guess a number of whom will have met through work alongside a few other families (I know we have a few brothers/sisters at least and I know of one father/son too)

I live over 60 miles from work and that's not enough to stop me. At one stage it was around 120 miles and that didn't generally stop me going for a couple of after work drinks on a Friday, although in the hectic world of franchise bidding by the time that Friday afternoon rolled around you were really in need of a drink!

Maybe I am doing something wrong then
I guess it depends partly on your mode of transport - public transport isn't good enough for me to get to work with so I am in the car - a help in some ways but a hinderance in others

 

[sprinterguy]

I guess it depends partly on your mode of transport - public transport isn't good enough for me to get to work with so I am in the car - a help in some ways but a hinderance in others

Yeah that has to have a lot to do with it: Fortunately I can make use of (usually/hopefully) reliable public transport!

 

[Blamethrower]

I think it depends what job you do. Some employers are more likely to have like-minded people working for them than others, and some sectors are more likely to attract a certain type of person than others.

When I worked in Holland the only friends I made were the ones from work. The problem was that work then took over my life and I became depressed. My entire life revolved around work and doing things with people from work. It was quite a good job at a well known brand but I committed too much to it

There are 2 people I still stay in touch with but I saw redundancy as an escape. Needed 6 months off to recover from the burnout.

All depends if you love your job or not.

For example if I drove a train I think I'd be more inclined to go out with people from work, same if I was in a working band. However, because I work in IT, I don't identify with many of my colleagues, especially in my current role.

Some may need to cut the OP a bit of slack tbh

 

[cjp]

Why do cowley and cjp find this fascinating
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why do cjp and cowley find this interesting

I found it interesting that someone would post as honestly as you did to canvas opinions and I found interesting others replies which showed they espoused different approaches to yours (and some were plain not helpful).
I have learned that if you cannot be constructive or cannot say anything pleasant then say nothing. That is of course not so true when I carry staff appraisals or review work done but even then one should always end on a positive note to encourage rather than dishearten.

I could agree with the comment about your not being a team player - which you acknowledge- and I understand and relate to your desire to simply get the work done but. . .
this should not stop you being friendly. A friendly place is a better place.
Even working alone you are usually part of some team and there is need to interact with other team members in pleasant friendly manner. They need never become friends (however you judge that) but simply taking time to open up to people and to communicate is now the norm and is expected. Anything less will make you a poorer person to know or to work with. And make you less attractive to others including potential employers and even potential mates.
Get the confidence to share a little of yourself - I think you may be pleasantly surprised by the result.

 

[amateur]

I found it interesting that someone would post as honestly as you did to canvas opinions and I found interesting others replies which showed they espoused different approaches to yours (and some were plain not helpful).

Get the confidence to share a little of yourself - I think you may be pleasantly surprised by the result.

When I would bump into former colleagues from old jobs in town, all I would ever discuss is my former workplace.

I often overhear people "gossiping" about colleagues in a cafe or other public places. And I feel like saying to them "that's so unprofessional".

I don't criticise colleagues. And I don't discuss work with people outside of work.

someone said perhaps I'm in the wrong job. I often wonder whether I should work as a warehouse picker for ama zon.

In my current job, I sit there and listen to people talking about their music tastes etc. but I still think they're talking Bol loc ks, and I pretend to be interested when I'm not.

I'm not in the what's app group with colleagues. Though now it's the norm!

I have never stayed in touch with former colleagues and usually drift away as soon as my p45 arrives.
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you don't really get it do you?

No I don't think I do. Hence why I consult here

 

[cjmillsnun]

I consider many of my colleagues at work friends.

I've worked with the same company for ten years. I am known to many people from the CEO down.

I probably see more of my work colleagues every week than I do my wife.

However. There is a balance. When I need to be professional, I am.

 

[amateur]

When I worked in Holland the only friends I made were the ones from work. The problem was that work then took over my life and I became depressed. My entire life revolved around work and doing things with people from work. It was quite a good job at a well known brand but I committed too much to it

There are 2 people I still stay in touch with but I saw redundancy as an escape. Needed 6 months off to recover from the burnout.

All depends if you love your job or not.

For example if I drove a train I think I'd be more inclined to go out with people from work, same if I was in a working band. However, because I work in IT, I don't identify with many of my colleagues, especially in my current role.

Some may need to cut the OP a bit of slack tbh

In my first job everybody kept moaning about being overworked and underpaid and not having enough hours in the day.

I did unpaid overtime and I would leave my house at 7:30 and get home at 9:00pm. That was my life. In retrospect, i was the happiest in that job
I think I did burnout but wasn't consciously aware at the time.

Everyone else there had the work to rule attitude ....and I absolutely despise that. I don't intend to stay in my current job, because people have the same attitude.

If the majority are giving stick ...then they must be right, unless people are bias on here.

But I am very much regimented in my way of thinking when it comes to NOT mixing pleasure with business. And perhaps I need to change that.
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I consider many of my colleagues at work friends.

People who I know from work are either colleagues or former colleagues. Not friends!
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People who like to keep their work and their social life separate, where do they meet their friends? Is it only OK to meet people at school or Uni and after that it is a no go? Do you insist on only becoming friends with random people on the street?

The greatest time of my life for meeting people I am still friends with was my first job after Uni. I know it is different for everyone so I don't mean to judge anyone by saying that.

I do really prefer not to mix work and social life.

In most places I have worked it's how the office politics evolves.

Promotion /salary rise for the colleague you are friends with, and not for the one who puts the elbow grease in!

 

[theblackwatch]

Where do you find your friends if you actively avoid trying to be friendly with any work colleagues?

 

[amateur]

So are you suggesting that you wish to be miserable at work?

But the thing is I don't find that "miserable".

I left two jobs in retail, because they weren't busy enough for me, and I had to "loiter" to wait for my shift to finish, and do nothing!

or engage in what I think are "crap" conversations .... that do not serve any purpose. Does it really serve a purpose discussing ones opinion on zlatan or pogba in the workplace (unless you work at a bookies)

 

[RichmondCommu]

For me that's a no-no.

Pretty much everywhere I work, when colleagues start fraternising with one other it raises eyebrows, and leads to office gossip...

My point was that by going for a few drinks with work colleagues you might meet other people, including perhaps the boy / girl of your dreams. One night out (no matter how reluctant you might be) could perhaps change your life.
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or engage in what I think are "crap" conversations .... that do not serve any purpose. Does it really serve a purpose discussing ones opinion on zlantan or pogba in the workplace (unless you work at a bookies)

It's generally known as being sociable.

 

[DarloRich]

or engage in what I think are "crap" conversations .... that do not serve any purpose. Does it really serve a purpose discussing ones opinion on zlantan or pogba in the workplace (unless you work at a bookies)

And there is your big problem. You see that conversation as pointless. Most people see that conversation as a normal part of life involving passing the time of day. Understanding that is the first step to trying to improve things. The next step is trying to put something in place to help you develop some of those skills that are basic items for the majority.

You really need to try and make those steps or you will find yourself completely isolated. Do you have many non work friends? How do you interact with them?

 

[Crossover]

Everyone else there had the work to rule attitude ....and I absolutely despise that. I don't intend to stay in my current job, because people have the same attitude.

I can sympathise on that one. I do work on a production site so it is a given that a many people are queued up at the clock terminal 5 mins before finishing time to clock out bang on the strike of finishing time. In 4 and a bit years I can probably count on one hand the times I have clocked out within 5 minutes of such time (one of which was a day when something was happening and the site was being locked up bang on that time so I had no choice) - usually I find the finishing time is a guideline and I generally finish what I am doing before I leave so am usually around until at least 10-15 minutes past my finish time before I leave
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And there is your big problem. You see that conversation as pointless. Most people see that conversation as a normal part of life involving passing the time of day. Understanding that is the first step to trying to improve things. The next step is trying to put something in place to help you develop some of those skills that are basic items for the majority.

You really need to try and make those steps or you will find yourself completely isolated. Do you have many non work friends? How do you interact with them?

I'd agree - there are plenty "crap" conversations go on where I work. Plenty football ones (which I can't get that involved with generally) but also others. It gives a chance to get to know people outside of the usual work side and sometimes it can lead to some interesting conversations

 

[amateur]

I can sympathise on that one.

It f u c k s me right off. dont even get me started!
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Where do you find your friends if you actively avoid trying to be friendly with any work colleagues?

No genuine friends. Had one close friend at uni. Lost touch a year After we both finished uni.

Had a facebook account for 6 months. Deactivated it, as the novelty quickly wore off for.

 

[RichmondCommu]

No genuine friends. Had one close friend at uni. Lost touch a year After we both finished uni.

How on earth did you get through Uni with just one close friend?

If you don't mind me asking how did you lose touch with your close friend from Uni?

 

[amateur]

And there is your big problem. You see that conversation as pointless.

Thank you! Now it all falls into place!
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How on earth did you get through Uni with just one close friend?

If you don't mind me asking how did you lose touch with your close friend from Uni?

She messaged me I didn't reply back.

People change phone numbers and email addresses

If I want to get in touch with her I can. Just find her online. Facebook/twitter/work home page.
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How on earth did you get through Uni with just one close friend?

If you don't mind me asking how did you lose touch with your close friend from Uni?

"Friend" .... everybody else I knew at uni were just acquaintances. Not friends. Or am I just being pedantic!

 

[J-2739]

But why didn't you keep in touch with her?

 

[RichmondCommu]

"Friend" .... everybody else I knew at uni were just acquaintances. Not friends. Or am I just being pedantic!

Would you actually like to have some friends? Or do you want to be lonely for the rest of your life?

 

[amateur]

But why didn't you keep in touch with her?

People move on. Just like school friends do.

 

[RichmondCommu]

People move on. Just like school friends do.

But why "move on" when she was your only friend? Especially given that she made an attempt to keep in contact.