Being friends with work colleagues

[ATW Alex 101]

Are you friends with work colleagues?

I always try not to be friends with colleagues. also, I only ever discuss work at work. I never discuss topics outside of work apart from possibly the news or the weather

I certainly don't discuss race, religion, sex or politics at work. Nor one's personal home situation.

I worked in a shop where everyone was friends and had banter with each other. They would go out at weekends.

I found they spent the whole day chatting what I deem to be Bol lo cks. it was anything but work. Am I on another planet to the British workforce?

I duly left due to boredom! Now I regret it and wish I had stayed. But I don't share the same hobbies and interests as them!

I bet you're fun at the Christmas do/any other work socials. :roll:

I agree that there has to be a degree of professionalism and certain topics are just not meant for the workplace, but considering these people are people you will spend the majority of your time with, it cannot hurt to at least be social and/or have a pleasant conversation with them. Is it any wonder you found yourself bored at that workplace? If they're all having banter and being mates with each-other and you're the odd one out, does that now say something?

I agree that not everyone will get on at work, more so with bigger work-forces, but if everyone at least made an attempt to be pleasant and maintain good manners then it would be whole lot better. There will be tw@ts wherever you go, don't get me wrong. Where I work, I'm personal friends with 2 or 3 of my colleagues who are around the same age, and that's just because that's how it is, but everyone else I still maintain a friendly attitude with them, at least I'll call them 'mate' in casual conversation. My workplace organizes a lot of corporate social events both within the company and within the office to try and build better bonds with each-other and they go down really well. For example, one Friday it might just be a pub at lunch deal. Other events include a week long 'world-cup' tournament where other offices from round the world within our company will compete, the tournemant itself being held in a host country. This years was in Ireland, next year will be in Germany.

On a side note, I am very choosy who I have on Facebook, social media I consider to be personal, so I only allow those who I don't mind seeing person and family stuff so usually close friends and family. I don't tend to add colleagues unless they are good friends.

 

[amateur]

I come to work to work. So I prefer to do my work and go home. I find being "friends" with colleagues extremely fake.

But having job-hopped I have found it is the "norm" in most places.

I worked in an offie job, where people didn't swap phone numbers, it did feel like people had stiff upper lips, and I felt more at home there!

What people would give to work in a relaxed atmosphere (which I did) and I threw it all away, specifically because of that!

 

[DarloRich]

No problem being friends with them, but I'd draw the line at romantic interest!

I think that is a sensible rule of thumb but if you find the right person you find the right person................

( assuming by romantic interest you don't mean a stationary cupboard quickie )

 

[Tetchytyke]

I come to work to work. So I prefer to do my work and go home. I find being "friends" with colleagues extremely fake.

It depends how you're defining friendship, really.

There are different degrees of friendship. If you're seeing these people as your brother from another mother after two weeks of working there, then yes, that's fake. But sometimes you develop close bonds with colleagues: I'm still good friends with a couple of people I first met in a job that I left ten years ago. I was also close enough to a few people in my last job in London, that I left over a year ago, that I invited them to my wedding in July, and they made the journey to Newcastle to be there. Don't be dismissive of people at work just because you meet them at work.

And don't confuse being sociable with a deep friendship either. In my last job in London we all went to the pub after work. There were people there that it was good to natter on with, sharing a beer (or five) and a rant about how the Vice Chancellor is a prat, but I wouldn't call them friends. It doesn't mean being friendly and sociable is "fake" though.

 

[ExRes]

I think that is a sensible rule of thumb but if you find the right person you find the right person................

( assuming by romantic interest you don't mean a stationary cupboard quickie )

Sorry, but if it was a 'stationary cupboard' does that mean the earth didn't move?

 

[amateur]

When I was working at the shop we often messaged just to confirm shifts.

I started messaging a colleague on our days off, regarding the football scores and he would message back. I noticed it was me initiating and him respponding (never the other way round) so I stopped messaging him.

A new colleague started. His name was David.

My other colleague, Let's just say James (pseudo) came into work and said "amateur, have you met the new guy David ....he's so boring". I felt like I could engage with David. He only talked about the shop (and how badly it was managed). He left after 2 weeks.


When I was offered a new job, I consulted my formal line manager (not for a reference), but asked her whether she thinks I should Accept it or stay here. She encouraged me to accept the new job.

I was actually offended that she wanted me to leave...so I left. But then does that mean my face didn't fit in that shop, and personality counts?

 

[richw]

When I was offered a new job, I consulted my formal line manager (not for a reference), but asked her whether she thinks I should Accept it or stay here. She encouraged me to accept the new job.

I was actually offended that she wanted me to leave...so I left. But then does that mean my face didn't fit in that shop, and personality counts?

No its not necessary they want rid of you. My former line manager helped all of her team get better jobs either internally or externally. She was realistic that most of us had been there a few years and wanted to move on as it was a fairly unskilled job and she wanted the best for her team. Every person under her moved on to better employment. We exchange frequent messages to this day, she was an older lady and like a grandmother figure, and made her team feel she cared.

 

[me123]

When I was offered a new job, I consulted my formal line manager (not for a reference), but asked her whether she thinks I should Accept it or stay here. She encouraged me to accept the new job.

I was actually offended that she wanted me to leave...so I left. But then does that mean my face didn't fit in that shop, and personality counts?

Lots of people think about their employees as people, and realise that sometimes a better job elsewhere is a good move for them and support you in that. Maybe she really didn't like you (perhaps because you go out your way not to be friends with anyone, as you've already said). Or maybe (and probably more likely) she genuinely thought that the job elsewhere would be a good career move for you.

 

[amateur]

My former line manager no longer communicates with me.
Nor do any former colleagues. Is that normal? I thought that was the norm? Or again, am I old fashioned in my way of thinking
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
I didn't actually want the new job. I did it get her attention. As she never responded to my emails otherwise.

It was actually in a shop which was rail-related. However, all the other colleagues there weren't interested (I don't think the line manager was either).

At work I felt like I had to talk about other stuff but work. And I just found that laborious.

Sometimes I would make up stories and the colleagues were engaged. Unless they were faking it.

 

[Bald Rick]

Some of my very best friends I met through work. Indeed I regard them as friends who coincidentally work at the same place.

 

[Cowley]

Oh man this is a fascinating thread.
Amateur. I can't really add much more than what other people have said already but fair play to you for coming on here and saying from the heart how you feel.

 

[cjp]

My former line manager no longer communicates with me.
Nor do any former colleagues. Is that normal? I thought that was the norm? Or again, am I old fashioned in my way of thinking?


Today I bumped into a former colleague from a different job. I was asking the questions she was just responding. I noticed it wasn't two way.

" well I had better go" we duly departed. The other person didn't ask me what I'm up to or anything

Sometimes I would make up stories and the colleagues were engaged. Unless they were faking it.

I have read this thread with interest and thank you Amateur for being so open. I do think Amateur that you need to practise your social skills at work. You may have lots of friends outside the work place so I am not going to offer you any suggestions.
I will repeat as others had said that there is a difference between being friendly and being friends.
A friendly atmosphere to work in is better than one where you are standoffish and one can be friendly without being over familiar so keeping lines of responsibility and respect in place.
You do not get anything from a relationship unless you work to put something into a relationship and that includes conversations with colleagues (or former colleagues).

 

[Nella52]

I try to be friendly with everyone at work, it makes for a better atmosphere and working relationships. We chat about allsorts such as the TV, what we did at the weekend, the weather, etc., but still manage to get our work done. There are a couple that I don't particularly get on with, but that's life. The only social thing we tend to do as a group is the Christmas lunch.

Most of my best friends are former work colleagues. I meet up with some of them on a regular basis for something to eat and a couple of drinks, when we have a habit of having a rant about our various current work situations as well as catching up with what is happening in our private lives.

 

[cf111]

I've always managed to be friendly with people I work with, I'm not best mates with everyone or anything like that but I'd certainly never refuse to converse about anything bar work and our jobs are quite interesting. I also look after 13 offices so I am looking forward to getting the pick of Christmas parties again .

 

[PeterC]

Maintaining a friendly relationship with colleagues isn't the same as being friends. After I retired there were only two people, from different jobs, who I had a strong desire to stay in touch with.

 

[Blamethrower]

Very subjective.

I work in an office with IT and business people. 2 very different types of people. Business people are concerned more about their own personal brand - ie How they want others to perceive them and so almost everything they talk about is lies.

In IT, people are happy to be known for who they are and what they know rather than how others want to perceive them.

In my office, the business guys sit around talking cr@p all day and the IT people are there slaving like mad to get the job done.

Personally, I get on with all of them and I go to the odd karting event, but when it comes down to it, there's only one who I would spend my time out of work with.

I am nearly 40 and almost all of my friends I met during school age. 2 others I met during Uni days and that's it. Friends are very important to me and ones like mine are very rare. Maybe if they like similar tunes, play an instrument and like football or F1.

The guy I like best here is honest, plays drums, likes football and F1, just like me

Appreciate the thread amateur

 

[TheGrandWazoo]

Very subjective.

I work in an office with IT and business people. 2 very different types of people. Business people are concerned more about their own personal brand - ie How they want others to perceive them and so almost everything they talk about is lies.

In IT, people are happy to be known for who they are and what they know rather than how others want to perceive them.

In my office, the business guys sit around talking cr@p all day and the IT people are there slaving like mad to get the job done.

Personally, I get on with all of them and I go to the odd karting event, but when it comes down to it, there's only one who I would spend my time out of work with.

I am nearly 40 and almost all of my friends I met during school age. 2 others I met during Uni days and that's it. Friends are very important to me and ones like mine are very rare. Maybe if they like similar tunes, play an instrument and like football or F1.

The guy I like best here is honest, plays drums, likes football and F1, just like me

Appreciate the thread amateur

Do you work in IT??

 

[dcsprior]

In the 19 years I've worked full time, I've only had two employers, though in three different cities (Stirling, then Edinburgh, then London)

I'd say my relationship with my colleagues over the years has spanned a wide spectrum

• A few I've actively disliked - the kind of people who make me happier at work by not being there
• Some I've got on with professionally, talked mainly about work with the addition of some shallow small talk
• Some I'll have enjoyed some matey banter with at work and/or gone for a few beers with after work, but wouldn't consider friends
• Some I would count as friends who I happened to meet through work, rather than as colleagues.
• Of the above, a small number I would count as close friends who I expect will remain so for life. I had two best men at my wedding, one a former colleague and the other a current one. In the case of the latter, I'll be one of his two best men next year (the other being another colleague in my "friends for life" category) when he gets married (to yet another colleague)

I suspect my experience is similar to many others. I also expect you could probably replace "colleague" with "schoolmate" or "neighbour" and it'd be equally valid. As we go through life, we all meet people in various ways. For each of the ways we meet people (work, school, uni, neighbours, shared hobby, etc) there will probably be a few people we dislike, a few that will be friends for life, and a lot that're somewhere in between. To specifically rule out those met through work, but not any of the others, seems odd.

 

[Blamethrower]

Do you work in IT??

your point being?

 

[carriageline]

I have a lot of mates at my work place, and to be honest more often than not we are not talking about "work" whilst we are working! Why do we need to, if the works being done to a good standard then why can't people natter? It does wonders for morale, and the day goes faster. When I'm working with certain people I actually look forward to getting up at 4:30 and going into work.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[TheGrandWazoo]

your point being?

A rather binary approach? IT = Good, Business = Liars

Can't speak for your firm but I've worked for a few and found it to be rather more nuanced

 

[amateur]

Does that mean I shall "flop" working at a railway station for example, cos I never intend to go out for a drink with colleagues, or the Christmas bash!

My conversations shall only ever be work related (i.e. train related), I won't discuss football, music, cinema, home life, etc.

I will only exchange numbers for the purpose of emergency and shift swaps etc. Otherwise I won't contact you as a colleague!

I Won't join you in the staff tea room, but go off site!
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

Oh man this is a fascinating thread.
Amateur. I can't really add much more than what other people have said already but fair play to you for coming on here and saying from the heart how you feel.

I just wanted to know whether I'm backward in my way of thinking. I.e. Not socialising with colleagues as I prefer to keep it professional. And only ever talking about work ... and possibly the news and weather

 

[LowLevel]

Does that mean I shall "flop" working at a railway station for example, cos I never intend to go out for a drink with colleagues, or the Christmas bash!

My conversations shall only ever be work related (i.e. train related), I won't discuss football, music, cinema, home life, etc.

I will only exchange numbers for the purpose of emergency and shift swaps etc. Otherwise I won't contact you as a colleague!

I Won't join you in the staff tea room, but go off site!
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---


I just wanted to know whether I'm backward in my way of thinking. I.e. Not socialising with colleagues as I prefer to keep it professional. And only ever talking about work ... and possibly the news and weather

If you're in a customer facing role or one that requires working closely with colleagues you'll struggle to get through your probation if you're not outgoing.

I'd be more than irritated if I got landed with working with someone like you in any role I've done on the railway so far (no offence) and if it's like working with a brick wall I'd probably be seeking to get rid.

You might get on well with as a signaller lone working but why would I want to help out someone who doesn't want anything to do with me?

If I've got to spend 9 hours working closely with someone I'm not interested if they're intentionally incapable of small talk during quiet periods.

The only people I know who manage that successfully are signallers and drivers where the job involves significant lone working.

 

[amateur]

I find it very difficult to cope with down time. Cos that's when you have to talk with collegues.

I'd prefer working somewhere busy, where the aren't enough hours in a day to chat.

When I worked at a supermarket I insisted on the peak shift. Serve customers constantly for 5 hours and go home. Hi bye to colleagues and that's it.

nights late evenings would be draining for me ....fewer trains!

Do people find colleagues who only ever talk about work and nothing else - boring?!

I feel obliged to force myself to find more hobbies and interests just so I can engage in the workplace ... not cos I actually want to pursue them!

 

[Harbornite]

Do people find colleagues who only ever talk about work and nothing else boring?!

I feel obliged to force myself to find more hobbies and interests just so I can engage in the workplace ... not cos I actually want to pursue them!

I would, if everyone was like you then I'd get bored.

Were you like this at school as well or did you do better at socialising there?

 

[AlterEgo]

Do people find colleagues who only ever talk about work and nothing else - boring?!

Yes.

Being able to talk to your colleagues (or in fact anyone) and find common ground as human beings is an essential life skill.

 

[TheKnightWho]

Yes.

Being able to talk to your colleagues (or in fact anyone) and find common ground as human beings is an essential life skill.

Agreed. When I've done office work it's always essential that everyone socialises and gets on well because that's the culture people prefer being in. It helps avoid resentment, office politics and boredom mostly!

 

[richw]

You don't need to find more interests and hobbies. I work in a supermarket where around 75% of my hours are during night close time. There is probably around 50 or so people on shift. We all manage to make small talk, but I find it easier to talk to the 40+ females as they seem to be able to lead a conversation. I would probably not socialise with any of these people out of work due to age difference but we still manage to hold pleasant conversation.
The 20-40ish female group seem to have their small groups who chat amongst themselves and don't really talk outside of that age/gender group.
The full age group of males seem to just speak local sports and not a lot else. I find it useful to spend 10 mins reading the latest match reports for the local teams from the major local sports of an evening online as that will set me up for the days conversations!
It's all about making an effort to fit into the team. Most places of work expect team players and for staff to integrate into their teams.
Having managed retail in the past (I left retail 5 years ago and recently returned to another company following redundancy in another sector) those who fail to fit into the team tend to be the ones who cause trouble down the line, so where I was previously one of the key criterias to passing probation was integration into the team. At that company it was required to pass 24/25 areas on the pro-forma, so failing to integrate to the team would mean needing to pass all other areas of the criteria.

 

[Calthrop]

You don't need to find more interests and hobbies. I work in a supermarket where around 75% of my hours are during night close time. There is probably around 50 or so people on shift. We all manage to make small talk, but I find it easier to talk to the 40+ females as they seem to be able to lead a conversation. I would probably not socialise with any of these people out of work due to age difference but we still manage to hold pleasant conversation.
The 20-40ish female group seem to have their small groups who chat amongst themselves and don't really talk outside of that age/gender group.
The full age group of males seem to just speak local sports and not a lot else. I find it useful to spend 10 mins reading the latest match reports for the local teams from the major local sports of an evening online as that will set me up for the days conversations!

Most of us do choose to interact with work colleagues, at least to some extent, in the interests of doing what can be done to socially “oil the wheels” (though, due regard to people like amateur who for reasons of principle, opt here to take a hard road). A potentially “irritating and aggravating” aspect of this – in jobs (I’ve had some) which include plenty of “down-time” – is the assertive, confident, “I-like-me-who-do-you-like?” colleague with a big personal interest / enthusiasm, which he is very keen to talk of at immense length, but which you do not share.

These guys (this is in my perception, largely a male foible – women have different ways of being boring) insist on droning on at great length and in agonising detail, to all within earshot, about their passion-subject. But there’s no reciprocity. They require you to listen to them with rapt attention, for as long as they wish to hold forth; but if you try to talk to them about your topic of interest to you – e.g., railway matters – they scornfully brush it, and you, off. If you’re a yielding, mild-mannered sort, such as myself: you accept this deal, however resentfully, and “let it go by”, in the cause of maintaining a tolerable relationship with people with whom you have to be in close contact day after day, possibly for many years.

I’ve suffered this particularly, from two different colleagues in two different jobs, whose respective obsessive and to-be-banged-on-about-to-captive-audiences-ad-nauseam passions were: the Titanic; and Jack the Ripper. I have no quarrel with anyone who is a fan of either of these subjects, and just quietly gets on with their enthusiasm; but I find both, excruciatingly boring. All in all, I feel glad to be retired, and out of this particular firing-line.

 

[Cowley]

Most of us do choose to interact with work colleagues, at least to some extent, in the interests of doing what can be done to socially “oil the wheels” (though, due regard to people like amateur who for reasons of principle, opt here to take a hard road). A potentially “irritating and aggravating” aspect of this – in jobs (I’ve had some) which include plenty of “down-time” – is the assertive, confident, “I-like-me-who-do-you-like?” colleague with a big personal interest / enthusiasm, which he is very keen to talk of at immense length, but which you do not share.

These guys (this is in my perception, largely a male foible – women have different ways of being boring) insist on droning on at great length and in agonising detail, to all within earshot, about their passion-subject. But there’s no reciprocity. They require you to listen to them with rapt attention, for as long as they wish to hold forth; but if you try to talk to them about your topic of interest to you – e.g., railway matters – they scornfully brush it, and you, off. If you’re a yielding, mild-mannered sort, such as myself: you accept this deal, however resentfully, and “let it go by”, in the cause of maintaining a tolerable relationship with people with whom you have to be in close contact day after day, possibly for many years.

I’ve suffered this particularly, from two different colleagues in two different jobs, whose respective obsessive and to-be-banged-on-about-to-captive-audiences-ad-nauseam passions were: the Titanic; and Jack the Ripper. I have no quarrel with anyone who is a fan of either of these subjects, and just quietly gets on with their enthusiasm; but I find both, excruciatingly boring. All in all, I feel glad to be retired, and out of this particular firing-line.

I've come across similar people Calthrop. A conversation with them is either them talking or them waiting (impatiently) to talk.
Conversation is give and take and should be enjoyable.