Trivia: Unusual or Amusing Messages to Passengers

[StoneRoad]

Many years ago, at about the time it started to be deemed necessary to remind passengers of their luggage, I remember the announcement being “Passengers alighting here (Carlisle, I think) please make sure you take your luggage, rubbish and children with you”.

That made me snigger a bit.

Probably even longer ago, I was travelling from Birmingham to Temple Meads, intending to catch a train coming down from Newcastle and continuing to Penzance, whilst I was going to Chippenham.
OK, they announced a short delay, that rapidly became several hours [due to a broken rail].
I did a bit of timetable hunting and realised that by means of changing at Cheltenham & Gloucester I could just make the last sensible connection. I bombed up to the ASM office to see if I could persuade them to hold that "last" train as I was pretty sure I wasn't the only one wanting to make it. I heard the Bristol "control" confirm the arrangement and went back down to the platform.
It wasn't a good day and we were further delayed in our perambulations around C&G.

On arrival at BTM I legged it for the London platform, intending to tell the guard he had some dozen other passengers on their way.
Platform was empty - Left "right time" !
So up to the ASM office, who initially denied all knowledge of that call some hours earlier.
Eventually, I was heading home by taxi, with two RAF chappies, also with a deadline to return to station.

It turned out the reason for "forgetting" was that the whole area was in turmoil after a group of escorted children managed to misplace several of their number at one or more stations, that caused considerable chaos, plus a shift change ...

In later years, I've been with several escorted groups as my spouse was a teacher, and counting those heads is a constant activity !

 

[tfw756rider]

(After 21:00)

Gooooood afterNOON!!! We will shortly be arriving into [final station], take care when getting off the train and have a good NIGHT!

 

[och aye]

Just before departing an early evening service from Glasgow Queen Street to Waverley on Saturday, the guard got on the intercom and said in a stern manner

"DON'T BE SICK ON MY TRAIN!"

I'm guessing that he must have seen someone look in a bit of a rough state board the train. Thankfully there was no incident, well at least in the carriage I was sitting in.

 

[walkingsophie]

On a Lumo train from Edinburgh to London, the customer experience ambassador mentioned that "cash and crypto" was not accepted on the on board trolley. Got a snicker out of me

 

[Minnietheminx]

On a Lumo train from Edinburgh to London, the customer experience ambassador mentioned that "cash and crypto" was not accepted on the on board trolley. Got a snicker out of me

I think the job title 'customer experience ambassador ' is likely to get a few sniggers too.

 

[JamesWatson]

Many years ago, I was commuting to work on a Boris bendy-bus, notorious for fare evaders.

The bus was packed as it pulled up at Whitechapel with about 50 people wanting to get on and no room for them. Whilst the doors were still open, the driver spoke over the tannoy and said "There will be a revenue protection check at the next stop, please have your tickets ready for inspection"

What felt like half the bus alighted and half the people waiting boarded. There never was a check at the next stop

 

[Farang]

On an eastbound Tube train at Hammersmith: "This is a special announcement for the passenger who was making hurry up gestures on the platform. Hammersmith is a 15* mile per hour approach station."

*Not sure if I've remembered the speed correctly. It was a few years ago.

 

[Zugaga]

Many years ago, at about the time it started to be deemed necessary to remind passengers of their luggage, I remember the announcement being “Passengers alighting here (Carlisle, I think) please make sure you take your luggage, rubbish and children with you”.

IIRC, a couple of times in the noughties I heard a guard/conductor/OBS inform us that "we are approaching Brighton, our final destination: please make sure you take all belongings with you. Please do not leave behind any scarves, coats, bobbly hats, laptop computers, livestock, artificial limbs...and if you have any children, please take them with you as well".

 

[johntea]

Always amuses me when the guard comes on the intercom to start a lengthy apology about why the train is being held only for them to start the apology and the train to start moving again

 

[saismee]

Always amuses me when the guard comes on the intercom to start a lengthy apology about why the train is being held only for them to start the apology and the train to start moving again

Today I had a very lengthy (although very clear) announcement that my Liverpool Street to Norwich train would be terminating at Colchester. The poor conductor ensured everyone for Norwich would get off at Stratford and change for Tottenham Hale, then Cambridge, then Norwich. We arrived into Colchester and he then announced that our service was reinstated, but we didnt move for another 15 minutes, followed by another 30 minute wait at Manningtree! I did not make my connection.

Seems control was messing him about as the early termination only came through a minute before departing Liverpool Street on our internal app!

 

[EYFanatic]

Visited Amsterdam and on the M52 metro, the driver came on and said something in Dutch which a friend translated into English

"Would the man in a death costume, please get off the unicycle - this is not permitted by law"

 

[Requeststop]

I don't know if the following is unusual, or even amusing or just plain weird and it made me think as to who prepares such announcements to be made and published.
I was standing waiting for a service from Truro to St Erth on Platform 2. A pleasant enough day so I was not looking for shelter. Then the following was broadcast to all and sundry.
"We apologise to passengers on Platform 3 for the cancellation of the XX:XX service to Plymouth due to operational difficulties. For passengers for St Austell, the next fastest direct service will be the XX:XX departing from Platform 3".
Now I wondered if I had heard correctly and was wondering if there was another route from Truro to St Austell and what route it would take that might be indirect, and how any alternative route by rail could be any faster than what is on offer already. Maybe I had mis-heard, but no. Ten minutes later, I heard the same announcement.
I am still wondering, a week later as to which idiot put together that senseless message. It was an announcement specifically for passengers at Truro and, maybe I'm wrong, but put together at the station rather than a Reading, or Paddington or even Cardiff, who knows.

 

[pokemonsuper9]

I am still wondering, a week later as to which idiot put together that senseless message. It was an announcement specifically for passengers at Truro and, maybe I'm wrong, but put together at the station rather than a Reading, or Paddington or even Cardiff, who knows.

Was it definitely spoken live? Automated announcements in that format are common across much of the network (especially at more InterCity-like TOCs)

 

[Purple Train]

Was it definitely spoken live? Automated announcements in that format are common across much of the network (especially at more InterCity-like TOCs)

Indeed. It's particularly confusing when such auto-announcements are used for delayed trains that aren't delayed enough to be behind another train, as they are at my local station! Albeit not amusing, so this is a bit off topic

One of my favourites which I've just remembered was when the auto-announcements on the Windsor & Eton Central branch unit had broken. On the viaduct approaching Windsor, it calmly announced, "Change here for local bus services to Southmead, Cribbs Causeway, and Westbury-on-Trym."

 

[kentrailman]

GWR staff member entering carriage last week " Please have all tickets, railcards and reasonable excuses ready"

 

[tram21]

GWR staff member entering carriage last week " Please have all tickets, railcards and reasonable excuses ready"

There's a Nottingham Tram ticket inspector that always says 'All tickets, passes and excuses please'

 

[Skiddaw]

Visited Amsterdam and on the M52 metro, the driver came on and said something in Dutch which a friend translated into English

"Would the man in a death costume, please get off the unicycle - this is not permitted by law"

That's priceless!

 

[alf]

On the train between Southampton & Waterloo two days ago the guard explained 6 min delay at Winchester was due to the driver & himself trying to reset the information system which had got the carriage numbers all wrong.
Crucial data for the short platform Clapham Junction Junction stop later on.
When despite their resetting the system the announcement reverted to telling us the next stop was Dorchester South as we raced through Woking at 90 mph. The guard announced “Please ignore Digital Dora, she is wrong again”.
And then of course he corrected Dora & the defective mid carriage screens with the right info about next stop Clapham Junction.

 

[consettman]

That's priceless!

The incident itself is 100% Dutch. The response to the incident, too, is 100% Dutch. Love it

 

[Requeststop]

Indeed. It's particularly confusing when such auto-announcements are used for delayed trains that aren't delayed enough to be behind another train, as they are at my local station! Albeit not amusing, so this is a bit off topic

One of my favourites which I've just remembered was when the auto-announcements on the Windsor & Eton Central branch unit had broken. On the viaduct approaching Windsor, it calmly announced, "Change here for local bus services to Southmead, Cribbs Causeway, and Westbury-on-Trym."

I think the words "put together" indicates that it was an auto announcement. Non-the-less you'd think that someone somewhere would be checking these announcements that are pre-recorded.

 

[stut]

Many years ago on a particularly bad District day at Earls Court.

"Ladies and Gentleman, the dispatcher seems to think that this train will now be going to Ealing Broadway, despite the fact that there hasn't been a Wimbledon train in 15 minutes, and this is where we're meant to be going. I will not be driving this train to Ealing Broadway, despite what he thinks. Just give me a minute."

Otherwise, I was always amused by "unusually large passenger flow" given as a reason. One one occasion, this was on a train through Melton Mowbray, and I couldn't help but think of all those pies...

There are the classics like "for the benefit of passengers, the buffet is now closed".

And sometimes things get Lost in Translation (I know what it means, but still...):

Alt-text: signage in Japan stating the cause of a delay is a "missile launch"

 

[Sealink]

I have skim read the thread so apologies if already mentioned...

When I lived in London there was a Southern staff member who used to enhance the announcements with things like:

"There's nothing common about our next stop, it's Wandsworth Common"
"The next station is Balham, gateway to the South!"

I think he used to do a quiz too for passengers!

When London Overground commenced services from West Croydon to Highbury and Islington, he also announced, after Gipsy Hill

"You'll notice a massive improvement to the next stations all the way to London Bridge. That's because they are under the care of TfL, who do things like have staff at their stations from the first train to the last, and actually paid for the upkeep and refurbishment of stations. You won't get that on Southern!"

 

[TheWierdOne]

One announcement I heard on a TGV from Grenoble to Paris went along the lines of (in French): “Dear passengers, for some reason this train is convinced it is the rear half of a double length service, therefore rather than searching for carriages 1-8 which we left in Grenoble, please add 10 to the carriage on your seat reservation and go from there.”

 

[Pegpilot]

Back in the early 90s on MML we had a stout, bearded train manager who was a right character. His final announcement running into St P was usually " Please ensure you leave the train with all your possessions and any travelling companions with whom you may have been travelling". And he followed that with a regular "Thought for the Day" such as "I wonder what chairs would like like if our knees bent the other way". The world needs more characters...

 

[och aye]

When London Overground commenced services from West Croydon to Highbury and Islington, he also announced, after Gipsy Hill

"You'll notice a massive improvement to the next stations all the way to London Bridge. That's because they are under the care of TfL, who do things like have staff at their stations from the first train to the last, and actually paid for the upkeep and refurbishment of stations. You won't get that on Southern!"

While highly unprofessional, it is a hilarious burn at Southern.

 

[EYFanatic]

I have skim read the thread so apologies if already mentioned...

When I lived in London there was a Southern staff member who used to enhance the announcements with things like:

"There's nothing common about our next stop, it's Wandsworth Common"
"The next station is Balham, gateway to the South!"

I think he used to do a quiz too for passengers!

When London Overground commenced services from West Croydon to Highbury and Islington, he also announced, after Gipsy Hill

"You'll notice a massive improvement to the next stations all the way to London Bridge. That's because they are under the care of TfL, who do things like have staff at their stations from the first train to the last, and actually paid for the upkeep and refurbishment of stations. You won't get that on Southern!"

If its the guy I think, there are a few youtube videos

He drives for the Elizabeth Line now because when Her Majesty of late and blessed memory died, somebody caught him on video making the announcement... Turns out he'd been in the army

 

[Sealink]

I've just remembered, this is going back to GNER days, when the refreshment trolley came round, a very funny guy from Newcastle did the usual "drinks and light refreshments" and then added "kids, time to annoy your mum and dad"

 

[RichJF]

Does this count as an amusing message?

Unintentional on Southern's part, but still funny given the location...

 

[D1511]

I've just had my WMT train manager describe how passengers can find out what coach they are in by looking at the PID in a class 730!

Not verbatim, but something along the lines of "one of the scrolling images on the displays shows a diagram of the train with white boxes showing each carriage. The coach you are in will say you are here above it"

Hardly necessary, as the next scrolling page says "you are in coach x of y".

Obviously she's decided that some people on the TVL are so thick they need this explained to them. Perhaps she's visited Atherstone......

 

[Purple Train]

A friend of mine has just reminded me that they were on a train approaching Plymouth when the PA suddenly came on... long pause, before an automated satnav voice pipes up with: "In 300 yards, turn left."

Your guess is as good as mine!