unprofessional onboard announcements

[bleeder4]

Back when Reading was being renovated, there was a GWR conductor who would often say "We are now approaching what remains of Reading station". Always generated some laughs. A bit of light-hearted humour like this is good, breaks up the monotony, adds a personal touch to the daily humdrum.

 

[Thirteen]

I always think drivers telling off passengers while it can be justified at times should be done in a professional way. I heard one saying to someone blocking the door 'Can't you understand English?' which seemed a bit harsh and could be taken the wrong way.

 

[dk1]

I always think drivers telling off passengers while it can be justified at times should be done in a professional way. I heard one saying to someone blocking the door 'Can't you understand English?' which seemed a bit harsh and could be taken the wrong way.

Though I’ve never said that I do speak in a very forceful tone when passengers do this causing delay as it really gets my goat and especially if it’s my last bit

 

[Thirteen]

Though I’ve never said that I do speak in a very forceful tone when passengers do this causing delay as it really gets my goat and especially if it’s my last bit

Telling off passengers is fine but I do think it needs to done in a way that isn't seen as offensive.

 

[Uncle Buck]

I'm of the mindset that humour is for face-to-face, when you can gauge the response of your audience - I've been known to use the "tickets, railcards and excuses" line on many an occasion, but PA announcements were always kept formal - "good afternoon travellers, welcome on board" etc etc. a) you never know who's listening, and b) it's difficult to see how things are landing from the PA mouthpiece.

A train guard- an actual person in front of you- making a joke is amusing. “The railway” making a joke is cringeworthy. Can be applied in many different walks of life.

 

[dk1]

Telling off passengers is fine but I do think it needs to done in a way that isn't seen as offensive.

Oh yes I agree but some really do grind the gears.

 

[185143]

Agreed, there was one female LNWR guard on the Trent Valley that thought the PA was her own personal COVID soapbox radio station, we left Crewe and was half way to Stafford by the time she'd finished talking rubbish, rinse and repeat after every station, it was a late night service during Oct 2020, there was about 5 of us on the whole train.

It was actually making me rather annoyed and if I had access to the cab I think I would have happily cut the cable to the PA handset.

I reported a driver on ScotRail doing that in Covid. On a DOO stopping service in suburban Glasgow and you could hear alarms pinging in the cab suggesting the train was running on restrictive aspects.

The temptation to go and pull a passcom and say "oi, concentrate on your signals rather than impressing your personal views as law" was pretty strong.

 

[dk1]

I reported a driver on ScotRail doing that in Covid. On a DOO stopping service in suburban Glasgow and you could hear alarms pinging in the cab suggesting the train was running on restrictive aspects.

The temptation to go and pull a passcom and say "oi, concentrate on your signals rather than impressing your personal views as law" was pretty strong.

Some of us can multi task. The driver could have just been cancelling an AWS that didn’t apply to them.

 

[och aye]

I remember once departing on a TransPennine Express service from Waverley when the guard made his welcome announcement, he apologised for the lack of on-board trolley service because:

"unfortunately this is due to somebody who couldn't be bothered to come into work today. But hopefully we'll be able to sort something out when we get to Carlisle."

This did raise a few chuckles in our carriage.

 

[Bletchleyite]

A few years ago, I did have an XC guard offer a "warm welcome to the passengers who just joined at the den of iniquity that is Banbury".
Probably unprofessional but did raise a few smiles, even from those of us who dwelled in said 'den'.

"We are now arriving at Preston, change here for [...] and Blackpool North, though I've really no idea why you would want to go there"

(Actually happened years ago)

 

[TheTallOne]

Not a guard, but a comedian...

"You're now approaching Birmingham New Street, for Wolverhampton, please change at TK Maxx"

(No, not for rail replacement, more for clothing changes!)


We have the Chesty road and doodle-stun guy on our line. Hadn't heard him for ages, but did again the other week (maybe the 730 automated announcements were broken).


Plus once (perhaps central trains era) heard a guard apologise over the tannoy for the delays and blamed "sheer management incompetence"

I think it's good to hear the truth sometimes!

 

[TCDD]

Provided the tone is friendly and jokes are at no one's expense, some 'unscripted' announcements can be a really nice human touch. It's also a 'soft' way of the guard or driver asserting their presence, which can help make passengers feel safer, cared for, and perhaps deterred from being anti-social.

 

[6Gman]

Ticket checks when appropriate, not when there are ticket gates at every station.

== Doublepost prevention - post automatically merged: 19 Jul 2025 ==

Ticket barriers at each end will not prevent doughnutting.

So on-train checks are still worthwhile.

 

[danielnez1]

Back in the late days of ICEC and GNER I remember conductors would often do birthday annexments, which was a nice thing for them to so.

In 2019, when I was on the Tyne and Wear Metro, a whole bunch of unruly teenage yobs got on at Millfield station. Before departing, the driver over the Public Address said along the lines “Ladies and Gettleman, have your tickets and passes ready as there are ticket inspectors boarding at the next station [University}). Said yobs scarpered. As we set off, he said over the PA “That resolved that issue”. Of course there were no ticket inspectors at University. Was it unprofessional? Possibly, was it good? Absolutely.

 

[Lockwood]

You can be professional and light hearted at the same time.

One example I see in a different setting:

"How did you get onto the floor like that? Do you remember falling?"

"(Big sigh) Whatcha doing down there then?"

Or

"Can you tell me what happened?"
"I fell"
"Well, that wasn't a great thing to do was it?"


Gentle application of humour to alter the mood. Which works.


Sometimes you might use the intercom "We're just arriving". But sometimes "We will soon be arriving at St Bob's Hospital. Please ensure you take all your belongings with you." gets a laugh.




Though, this is something that you do read the room for.


I personally like having a guard with a sense of humour over having a robot in a rail staff uniform

 

[TheManBehind]

Back in the late days of ICEC and GNER I remember conductors would often do birthday annexments, which was a nice thing for them to so.

I did use to like the odd birthday announcement - weekend trains were often very good for it, as the audience expected a rather different type of train service.

 

[styles]

I did use to like the odd birthday announcement - weekend trains were often very good for it, as the audience expected a rather different type of train service.

If it helps passenger behaviour, maybe guards should just invent things to celebrate?

"I'd also like to congratulate Gladys and Brian on their 70th wedding anniversary today - enjoy the prosecco!"

 

[PP57601]

I was on a Southern train this evening, from Victoria to Reigate.

At East Croydon, around 21:25, the onboard supervisor welcomed us onboard the "vomit comet".

I complimented him on his unprofessional announcement when he passed through the train checking tickets; he laughed it off.

At Merstham, he advised paraleytic passengers to mind the gap etc.

Where these unprofessional announcements or I have I become a miserble old curmudgeon?

*

I've also encountered a LNR guard/conductor/train manager on a lunch time train welcoming Sharon/Tracy onboard, travelling to Liverpool for XYZ. All totally unnecessary, in my opinion.

I always thought ‘Vomit Comets’ were Voyagers?
Didn’t know they still operated through East Croydon.

 

[TheManBehind]

I always thought ‘Vomit Comets’ were Voyagers?
Didn’t know they still operated through East Croydon.

The "Vomit Comet" typically ends up referring to the last train of the night of any significance. 1B01 0105 Waterloo-Southampton was regularly named such!

 

[yoyothehobo]

My personal favourite many years ago now was upon arriving into Grantham was the guard announcing that we were entering the birthplace of the queen of darkness herself, Mrs Thatcher

 

[Vexed]

1B01 0105 Waterloo-Southampton was regularly named such!

I actually quite like that one as a passenger, it empties out pretty quick so turns into a quiet journey to Southampton!

 

[Travelmonkey]

Having a gaurd with a sense of humour is good.

"We are EMR a passenger railway company not DHL please remove all bags from seats and vestibules"

"EMR are not a freight train company please keep all iles clear of belongings"

Although there can be times it can go awry passing the info "wheelchair in coach X I haven't forgotten about you" glad to know my mobility aid is remembered ,

Another one on LNWR "we are being held due to the other operator having a train that's too small" as we were behind a shortform (5 vice usual 10) Evero at Tamworth, usually it's the other way round

 

[sh24]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Wizards and Witches, we are now arriving at Watford Junction where you can change for Harry Potter World"

I'm a miserable middle aged git but that announcement always made me chuckle.

 

[Dr_Paul]

I'd rather have an occasional light-hearted comment from the guard than hearing yet again that awful 'sorted' announcement that seems obligatory after setting off from each station.

 

[AdamWW]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Wizards and Witches, we are now arriving at Watford Junction where you can change for Harry Potter World"

I'm a miserable middle aged git but that announcement always made me chuckle.

Even better was when platform 9 at Kings Cross was dressed as platform 9 3/4 to tie in to the first film coming out - seeing the be-suited commuters walking under Hogwarts banners and past signs warning them to keep their owls in their cages...

 

[0161]

A doff of the cap to the Scotrail guard who announced something along the lines of "This is the 2335 Scotrail service to Perth. Please have your tickets, passes, and railcards ready. Alcohol is strictly prohibited on this service... so make sure you aw hide your bevvy under the table, so I cannae see it when I come round to dae the ticket check"

 

[Kite159]

The "Vomit Comet" typically ends up referring to the last train of the night of any significance. 1B01 0105 Waterloo-Southampton was regularly named such!

Or any late night trains on Thursday, Friday or Saturday nights. When the second to last train can be more busy than the last train in some cases (especially if the last train is slow)

 

[och aye]

A doff of the cap to the Scotrail guard who announced something along the lines of "This is the 2335 Scotrail service to Perth. Please have your tickets, passes, and railcards ready. Alcohol is strictly prohibited on this service... so make sure you aw hide your bevvy under the table, so I cannae see it when I come round to dae the ticket check"

That's a good one.

 

[godfreycomplex]

A doff of the cap to the Scotrail guard who announced something along the lines of "This is the 2335 Scotrail service to Perth. Please have your tickets, passes, and railcards ready. Alcohol is strictly prohibited on this service... so make sure you aw hide your bevvy under the table, so I cannae see it when I come round to dae the ticket check"

Bravo!

== Doublepost prevention - post automatically merged: 23 Jul 2025 ==

Or any late night trains on Thursday, Friday or Saturday nights. When the second to last train can be more busy than the last train in some cases (especially if the last train is slow)

1B81 (00:05 Waterloo - Bournemouth) considerably more lively than the 01:05 back in the day, at least in the week. Both of them were vital public services and hopefully they will return in full soon

 

[DynamicSpirit]

My personal favourite many years ago now was upon arriving into Grantham was the guard announcing that we were entering the birthplace of the queen of darkness herself, Mrs Thatcher

That's another example of humour that's probably best avoided because of the appearance of political bias. Some people will find that remark funny, others will regard it as wrong - with people's reactions likely strongly correlated with their political views.