unprofessional onboard announcements

[TheTallOne]

When coming into Birmingham New Street they usually announce that those wishing to change to a connection should use the B end of the platform. It would be so helpful if they would add "which is in front of/behind you on arrival". As it stands it's a pretty unhelpful announcement, unless you are lucky enough to pull up right next to a sign indicating whether you're at the A or the B end.

But if it's a long train some people will have the A end in front of them AND some people will have the B end in front of them?

 

[dk1]

The recent retirement of a legendary Norwich guard will be missed by many passengers. On the short hauled sets he used to welcome them onboard the Yarmouth Pullman and ask them to keep the aisles clear for the champagne trolley. He would also refer to Felixstowe as a small fishing hamlet, Ipswich as being renowned for its stunning architecture and hot volcanic springs, and Stansted as a that small Essex aerodrome. He had much praise on social media.

 

[trainophile]

But if it's a long train some people will have the A end in front of them AND some people will have the B end in front of them?

Point taken. Okay perhaps "which is nearest the front end of the train as we approach the station" would be better.

 

[Roast Veg]

On an EMT HST circa 2018 the guard (on behalf of the catering manager) ran a pop quiz to get rid of some excess bottles of wine from the buffet car. It was "unprofessional", but I walked away with a nice bottle of red and a fairly unbelievable story.

 

[StephenHunter]

On an ICE from Stuttgart to Strasbourg in 2022, the guard cheerily did a countdown as we crossed the Rhine and entered France, so we could take our masks off.

 

[Edsmith]

Used to enjoy the ‘funny’ announcements when I didn’t use the trains as much. Now I commute on them everyday, with the same guards every couple of weeks making the same joke every journey they’re on, gets a bit tedious. I won’t say my most annoying ones incase they post on here.

Back in the day, it used to seem to be the characters that made the funny announcement. Now it just seems people desperate to want to go viral on social media.

Or maybe I’m just getting old and grumpy.

If you're getting old and grumpy then so am I, there are some guards who just seem to like the sound of their own voice. I think all most people want is a peaceful train journey.

 

[dk1]

When Virgin were still in control we approached Euston on a very cold day late in 2017 and the train manager finished his final announcement by playing Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince.

 

[Edsmith]

Well my German friend would definitely disagree, as would I. In the absence of any news something to break the ice and lift spirits works wonders and builds camaraderie.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that one of the engines has conked out so we'll be going a little slower than usual. The good news is that we aren't in a plane at 35,000ft*"

*Obviously this wasn't a recent one, it would otherwise have been in quite poor taste in the aftermath of the Indian crash.

I don't think that's particularly funny to be honest, I wouldn't say it was offensive but just unnecessary. Just explain why the train is going slower than usual and leave it at that. I often hear those sort of announcements with the NR signaller often being blamed for putting a slow moving freight train in front or something similar.

 

[AdamWW]

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that one of the engines has conked out so we'll be going a little slower than usual. The good news is that we aren't in a plane at 35,000ft*"

Of course the other good news is that if a plane couldn't cope perfectly well without one engine at 35 000 ft it wouldn't have passengers on it.

Of course airliners do cope with a total loss of power a little less gracefully than trains.

 

[SCDR_WMR]

When coming into Birmingham New Street they usually announce that those wishing to change to a connection should use the B end of the platform. It would be so helpful if they would add "which is in front of/behind you on arrival". As it stands it's a pretty unhelpful announcement, unless you are lucky enough to pull up right next to a sign indicating whether you're at the A or the B end.

That's a fair point, for LNR/WMT these are mandatory announcements so you should hear it on every service arriving into New St.

 

[Archvile]

People often confuse 'professional' with 'emotionless and servile'. I've witnessed some exceptional guards being lively and spirited, and some borderline personality-less guards verging on the incompetent.

Thankfully the world is recognising this now, and the word doesn't mean what it used to.

May the banter long continue - the world is in desperate need of laughter now, more than ever.

 

[styles]

Just got reminded of when we took the then direct Eurostar to Disneyland/Marne la Vallee. As we rolled in they a played the Lion King theme tune over the PA.

Great vibes on that train heading out. On the return journey the kids were all asleep and the parents were on the beer and wine.

 

[TT-ONR-NRN]

There’s a lovely polite guard on SWR’s Alton and Portsmouth services, who is very professional but his announcements give me the giggles because he ends every announcement with “Thank you this morning.” or “Thank you this evening.” and in my opinion it sounds a bit bizarre.

Sort of like “Shortly arriving into Woking, change here for Basingstoke and Southampton. Thank you this evening.”

or “The next stop will be Ash Vale, due to a short platform it’ll be front eight coaches only. Thank you this morning.”

I can’t be the only one who thinks that sounds a bit odd said aloud? Lovely guard though.

 

[Uncle Buck]

If you're getting old and grumpy then so am I, there are some guards who just seem to like the sound of their own voice. I think all most people want is a peaceful train journey.

I think you have nailed it here. A wise use of humour can dissipate tension, express points memorably and create a more positive atmosphere. When it becomes crude, patronising, goes on too long or becomes dominant it is annoying and unprofessional.

It is like in a restaurant. You are there to have a meal with your friends. A good server mighty ask how you are doing, crack a joke, check on you etc. That will enhance your experience and someone doing that is good at their job. Someone who stands and talks about themselves, being crude and inappropriate, will ruin the experience and has no business eoing that job.

== Doublepost prevention - post automatically merged: 21 Jul 2025 ==

There’s a lovely polite guard on SWR’s Alton and Portsmouth services, who is very professional but his announcements give me the giggles because he ends every announcement with “Thank you this morning.” or “Thank you this evening.” and in my opinion it sounds a bit bizarre.

Sort of like “Shortly arriving into Woking, change here for Basingstoke and Southampton. Thank you this evening.”

or “The next stop will be Ash Vale, due to a short platform it’ll be front eight coaches only. Thank you this morning.”

I can’t be the only one who thinks that sounds a bit odd said aloud? Lovely guard though.

A pet peeve of mine is I think Avanti services which say eg “we shall soon be arriving into Glasgow Central”. Surely “arriving at” or “coming into”? Not as bad as the police in Scotland where a report at a busy time incurs delay “due to a high demand of calls”!!

 

[LittleRedTrain]

A few years ago, I did have an XC guard offer a "warm welcome to the passengers who just joined at the den of iniquity that is Banbury".
Probably unprofessional but did raise a few smiles, even from those of us who dwelled in said 'den'.

 

[BAFRA77]

The only time I have heard the off script stuff was on a service from Reading into Worcester when the guard gave us a fact about the next station (a bit of a history lesson in places)

There is an excellent guard who I know on West Mids who does give out connection information (eg “this is Worcester Shrub Hill - please alight here for connections to x, y and z) and also advises on if the service was late in what the best service to get would be (eg “due to the late running of this service if you wish to go to station y - please cross the footbridge to the other platform where a service will be departing at xx:xx”.)

Very informative and useful.

 

[zero]

On an ICE from Stuttgart to Strasbourg in 2022, the guard cheerily did a countdown as we crossed the Rhine and entered France, so we could take our masks off.

In which language(s)?

It was mentioned upthread that jokes may confuse people with poor English, but I think if your English is not good enough to get that it's a joke, you probably wouldn't understand any announcements that are out of the ordinary anyway, and you'd be aware that you don't understand them.

For example I can understand the ordinary German announcements but whenever there is disruption (so quite often) if the guard tries to explain what is going on, I have no idea what they are saying and wouldn't know if they had inserted a joke.

 

[TUC]

I am left wonderwhether this is more reflective of wh

In which language(s)?

It was mentioned upthread that jokes may confuse people with poor English, but I think if your English is not good enough to get that it's a joke, you probably wouldn't understand any announcements that are out of the ordinary anyway, and you'd be aware that you don't understand them.

For example I can understand the ordinary German announcements but whenever there is disruption (so quite often) if the guard tries to explain what is going on, I have no idea what they are saying and wouldn't know if they had inserted a joke.

But that's OK, isn't it? It's perfectly reasonable for jokes to reflect the main language of the country where the service is running.

 

[The Foghorn]

I recall a senior conductor from Leeds, his name may have been, Derek Rouse. This was back around 1990. On leaving Kings Cross, he would announce that "Our first stop is Peterborough, so sit back, relax and have a comfortable journey."
It certainly bestowed an air of confidence that matters were in hand.

 

[adc82140]

I do remember once on a train from Paddington "This is the 17.06 service to Penzance, first stop Taunton", long pause, horrified look on passengers faces, "just kidding, this is the slightly delayed 17.03 service to Westbury, first stop Twyford".

 

[djdanny77]

As a regular commuter from Exeter St David’s to Paddington if I hear the comedy announcement from the GWR on board catering team asking passengers to “please mind their heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes”, one more time I may hurt myself

 

[GordonT]

Where these unprofessional announcemets or I have I become a miserble old curmudgeon?

I think that this discussion is a good case study of the premise that you can’t please all of the people all of the time so unless the announcements are misleading, indecent or the like, I’m afraid we all just have to suck them up sometimes. I notice that the "SWR Help" Twitter feed operative is currently prefacing most of their responses with the words "Hey there". This grates with me but I recognise that many folk will be happy with or at worst indifferent to the expression so it would not occur to me to complain about it.

 

[reastreetmetro]

As a guard myself and also a frequent rail traveller I take great pride in my announcements.

I keep them to an absolute minimum and the ones that I do make are, in my modest opinion, polite, clear and relevant.

Avanti guards are the worst offenders in the Midlands when it comes to verbal diarrhoea. Some of the announcements can last nearly as long as the journey between Birmingham New Street and International. They go on and on and on.

Then when they've finally finished there follows the on board shop announcement (which is actually comparitively useful).

The PA should be a tool to assist passengers, not a weapon to chastise or entertain them.

I love those witty announcements made by a very small minority but to be able to do it successfully is a very rare skill indeed.

I wish I could just be left alone to relax, look out of the window or read a book on a train without the need to block out the noise of aspiring radio DJs rabbiting on the PA.

The solution in my opinion is better quality training to help staff understand what it is like to be a passenger.

 

[DarloRich]

this forum never ceases to amaze me!

As long as the guard isn't calling the passengers effs and jeffs or his employers a right set of Barclays bankers I don't really mind if he or she wants to inject a bit of humour into an other wise dull job of making announcements about where the 1726 to Jonestown stops.

Just zone it out like I do. Don't let it wind you up so much! It isn't worth the energy.

 

[Darandio]

In my neck of the woods we have (still around I think?) a guard reciting poetry at every station call. I imagine many here would have him hung draw and quartered.

 

[zero]

But that's OK, isn't it? It's perfectly reasonable for jokes to reflect the main language of the country where the service is running.

Yes absolutely. I was disagreeing with the idea that guards shouldn't joke because people who don't know the language well would get confused - as people who don't know the language well would not expect to understand everything the guard says anyway

 

[TimSpencer]

"Alight here for connecting bus services to local destinations" is on ATW/TfW's 158 auto announcer at some stations.

Firstly: where and when do they go? No use telling me that there are buses that may as well be on a mystery tour.

Secondly: it's 2am! What buses?

Exactly the point I've been making in these threads. Most of the announcements are not information, they are at best noise for the sake of noise or at worst gratuitous provocation.

 

[TheManBehind]

I'm of the mindset that humour is for face-to-face, when you can gauge the response of your audience - I've been known to use the "tickets, railcards and excuses" line on many an occasion, but PA announcements were always kept formal - "good afternoon travellers, welcome on board" etc etc. a) you never know who's listening, and b) it's difficult to see how things are landing from the PA mouthpiece.

 

[AdamWW]

I'm of the mindset that humour is for face-to-face, when you can gauge the response of your audience - I've been known to use the "tickets, railcards and excuses" line on many an occasion, but PA announcements were always kept formal - "good afternoon travellers, welcome on board" etc etc. a) you never know who's listening, and b) it's difficult to see how things are landing from the PA mouthpiece.

That sounds very sensible.

My personal view is that since:
1) People's reaction to humour varies so much, and
2) Train companies aren't generally something you can shop around for to find one you like
then it's best to play it safe both at a corporate and individual level.

When it comes to, say, choosing a bank, electricity company or brand of yoghurt, if some companies want to take a jokey attitude that might come across as unprofessional then that's fine in my view because there are plenty of alternatives.

 

[Skimpot flyer]

Exactly.

I travel from Eastbourne to London frequently and you don’t need to announce Thameslink changes at Haywards Heath, Gatwick and East Croydon.

The weirdest manual announcement I hear reasonably regularly is made on approach to East Croydon, after the train has called at Clapham Junction.
‘Change here for Thameslink trains to Brighton, Horsham and to Peterborough and Cambridge via London Bridge’.

Would someone boarding at Clapham really be going via Croydon to get a train to a destination north of the river? And would a ticket from Clapham to, say, Stevenage even be valid by such a convoluted route??