I've witnessed a suicide. Not on the tube but on the main line railway. Cricklewood. A Monday morning, about 10.30, back in February (IIRC) of 2004.
I was the COSS (Controller of Site Safety) for a workgroup, doing surveys. We were in the 10ft / wideway between the fast lines and slow lines. I heard the train coming, looked towards it and raised my hand in acknowledgement, then watched a man crouch down on the platform and roll himself forwards off the platform just as the train was about to pass him.
I watched the train hit him.
I dropped to the ground as ballast and other things sprayed around me whilst the train went past with its emergency brakes on. I then went to the station and phoned the signaller - my first 'real' emergency call.
First on scene were a two-person ambulance crew. One was a veteran and had seen it many times before, describing it as "sounds like a purple purple" when I explained what was awaiting them. The second was a young lady. She'd joined the service only a few months before and had never seen anything like this. She nearly threw up when she got to the platform end.
I escorted them down onto the track to officially verify the person was dead but it was pretty obvious. I wont go into graphic details, despite the fact that I can still remember those graphic details as clearly as yesterday, but there was no chance the person was still alive. I saw things that day I hope I never see again.
Next up was the fire service. The white-hat officer marched up and took charge of the situation, barking "person in charge?" to everyone in orange until he got to me. At that point I spotted the MOM arriving through the access gate so I pointed to him and said I had been in charge up till then but he would be taking over.
I was officially interviewed by the BTP and offered counselling but I refused it.
The signaller asked for the contact details of my line manager and he phoned my office to tell them what had happened. My boss phoned and made sure I was ok.
When it was cleared up and the station re-opened we went back to work, continuing almost as if nothing had happened. We were working in the sidings later that day and were joking about what may have happened differently had it been a different type of train, for example, we had some with protruding couplers and we were saying that it may have been impaled and been harder to remove, poor sods in the cleaning depot etc. Harsh, but I suppose we had the brutal choices of joke about it or let it depress us, so we chose the former and got on with the job.
At 5PM that day I locked the access gate, having finished the day's work, and drove away from the site. At 5.05 I stopped the car in a petrol station because I was unable to continue. I phoned my wife and her first words were "Hello, I see you've had some fun down there - all the trains were up the creek". I replied with "I've watched someone die.". I then cried and chatted to her for about 20 minutes before getting a strong coffee and some chocolate and finding the nerve to drive home again. This was Cricklewood - bottom of M1. I lived in Coventry - Junction 17 of M1, then along the M45 and A45. A long way!
My driving was reckless and too fast. I didn't care. I just wanted to be home. By coincidence I'd arranged to meet my parents that night too. Their opening gambit was "How was your day at work?". My reply was "I watched someone die today". The conversation that evening was a little subdued after that.
The detail I can remember is incredible. The man on the platform rolling forwards. The train braking. The unpleasant scene. The words to the paramedics. The young paramedic lady feeling ill herself at the sight. The in-control fire officer. The phone calls. All crystal clear as if it were yesterday. They probably always will be. Interestingly I cannot remember the man actually being hit - I think I blanked that bit out.
A month or so later I was summoned to the coroners court to give witness evidence. I met the train driver and the family of the man who died. I know his name, I spoke to his mother. I saw pictures of him.
Chatting to the train driver, he was un-bothered. It was his second fatality and he said that some drivers just carry on and some never drive again. He just carried on. He recalls seeing me in the wideway and apparently he was predominantly concerned about our well-being when making the call - he was worried that we may have been hit or affected in some way. When I made my emergency call, I was concerned for the driver as I thought he may have gone into shock or something.
The signaller was very helpful and reassured us both that the other one was fine.
I have three key memories from the trial.
1) Seeing the CCTV footage of the man falling forwards and the footage being described as "supporting my evidence".
2) The verdict: "<Name> took his own life while the balance of his mind was disturbed".
3) The words from his mother: "Thank you". "What for?" I asked. She said that it was comforting to know that I was there in the last moments, even if unwillingly, and that I did all I could to call the emergency services, block the line and clear the station. It was also helpful for her in terms of closure to have someone describe his last moments and exactly how he died, however disturbing the scenario - at least she knew what really happened.
I never did have any counselling - I feel this will drag it all up too much. I was offered it several times but always refused it. I can still remember many detail, as I've described, but I don't feel upset by them. In fact I feel that I would be well placed to deal with another one should I ever find myself in that scenario.
I'll quite happily go back to Cricklewood. I did in fact. That was day 1 of 5 days of work down there - I was back for the rest of the week to continue the job.
It's always there. I talk about it sometimes. I think about it sometimes. I don't think those memories will ever be forgotten. I don't feel I've been badly affected by it but it's certainly affected me in some ways.
I wouldn't consider him as selfish. I learned from the court and his family that he had money troubles, a gambling problem, alcohol problems and had been suffering from depression. He'd tried to do it a few weeks before but had been talked out of it. You could see from the details that, whilst had had a good job, lots of things in his life had gone badly and he was in a very dark place. I don't think it's selfish - I think it's just that they are in a different world, one that makes very little sense in the cold logical light of day. Selfish doesn't come into it - it's just a way out.
