PA Announcements

[Stampy]

Some favourite announcements for me...


1) At Edinburgh Waverley (in a female Scottish acccent)

The xxxx train to London Kings Cross will be leaving Platform x in 2 minutes - so if you want to catch it - your going to have tae run!!

2) At Newcastle Central where the announcer was a Indian Geordie!!

3) At Peterborough Station - "Would the gentleman on Platform 4 in the Hawaiian shirt please cover it as you a blinding the drivers"

 

[ainsworth74]

I was once on the approach to Waterloo and the auto PA followed a few seconds later by the guard both words to the effect of 'ladies and gentlemen upon arrival at Waterloo this train will be joining to another, the doors will not be released until this happens so please remain in your seats'. The driver then came over the PA 'Dave, we're not joining at Waterloo mate!'. Needless to say the doors were released immediately upon arrival as there was nothing to couple to!

 

[387star]

I was once on the approach to Waterloo and the auto PA followed a few seconds later by the guard both words to the effect of 'ladies and gentlemen upon arrival at Waterloo this train will be joining to another, the doors will not be released until this happens so please remain in your seats'. The driver then came over the PA 'Dave, we're not joining at Waterloo mate!'. Needless to say the doors were released immediately upon arrival as there was nothing to couple to!

3-3-1 on the buzzer at gwr

 

[matacaster]

Many years ago a GNER service heading north from London to West Yorkshire came to a standstill for quite some time. A guard with a Caribbean accent advised "we have stopped because the train in front is in the way".

 

[cin88]

A Northern guard on the local stopper from Oxford Road to Liverpool Lime Street once came out with "We apologise for the delay, this is due to the Transpennine Express being too impatient to wait it's turn".

Another Northern guard once said "Can someone inform the gentleman in the toilet that his clever idea hasn't worked, ticket please." to roaring laughter from the passengers.

 

[fergusjbend]

Many years ago at London Bridge: "We apologise for the late arrival of the train at platform 12. This was due to a fatality at East Dulwich......A fatality at East Dulwich. Thank you."

 

[CyrusWuff]

Earlier this week: "Ladies and Gentlemen. The train at Platform 1 is not going to Nottingham, despite what it may claim. It is, in fact, the hh:mm to (somwhere approximately 100 miles from Nottingham), calling at... Once again, the train at Platform 1 is the <blah> and definitely not going to Nottingham. Thank you."

Possibly an urban myth from London Underground: "Could the gentleman in the red jacket who just relieved himself on platform 4 please come to the Station Supervisor's office to get a mop and bucket to clean it up. Once again, that's the gentleman in the red jacket who just relieved himself on platform 4..."

 

[fairysdad]

On a Hammersmith & City Line train heading east, just before Aldgate East:

"We apologise for the slight delay into Aldgate East, we're being held at a red signal. Please mind the doors."

Then a second or so later:

"I mean, we'll be on the move again shortly."

 

[HowardGWR]

Many years ago a GNER service heading north from London to West Yorkshire came to a standstill for quite some time. A guard with a Caribbean accent advised "we have stopped because the train in front is in the way".

The last sentence contains some irrelevant information. Can you guess what it is?

 

[causton]

Is the chap on the ATW refreshment trolley who used to quote Monty Python still working?
'Squirrels on sticks'
'Albatross'
'Seabird flavour'
etc etc

I think I heard one selling snakes the other day!

 

[EM2]

Possibly an urban myth from London Underground: "Could the gentleman in the red jacket who just relieved himself on platform 4 please come to the Station Supervisor's office to get a mop and bucket to clean it up. Once again, that's the gentleman in the red jacket who just relieved himself on platform 4..."

1am on a Saturday, on platform B at St Pancras. On CCTV, I see three lads making their way to the very far end of the platform and go behind a pillar.
A quick stab on the PA button:
'To the gentleman in the brown jacket at the far end of the platform, I strongly suggest that you don't do what it very much looks like you are intending to do. And the same goes for your companions.'
Three young chaps sheepishly make their way back along the platform!

 

[Parallel]

Is the chap on the ATW refreshment trolley who used to quote Monty Python still working?
'Squirrels on sticks'
'Albatross'
'Seabird flavour'
etc etc

Yep! He was on my train today, the 15.30 Manchester Piccadilly to Cardiff Central. (I boarded at Shrewsbury).
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
Not a PA announcement but when waiting for a Holyhead train at Shrewsbury on Platform 3, about 3 minutes before the train was due to arrive, the Ruth auto announcement came on saying "can I have your attention please on platform 3. This is a platform alteration. The next train to arrive at platform 4 is the 13.25 Arriva Trains Wales service to Holyhead calling at:..." Anyone who knows Shrewsbury station will know it is a bit of a pain to get from platform 3 to the rest of the station, and a customer who had just ran up the stairs asked the train dispatcher what was going on and he said "I've got no idea - blame the signallers down there! "*points*. Made me smile!!

 

[BurtonM]

Not an announcement but when I was travelling on the Overground's East London Line with some friends less well-acquainted with it than myself, I decided to add to a certain announcement, just so they weren't underwhelmed.

"The next station is Wapping".
"Come on, it's not that big!"

Considering its size I don't think Wapping could have a less appropriate name

 

[EbbwJunction1]

Many years ago, whilst on a visit to the old Newport Panel Box, I was speaking to the station announcer, who was at that time based in the box.

I asked him about announcements for Mystery Trips (yes, it is that long ago!) and whether they knew where the train was going. He replied that they didn't, but at one time they had used to know.

The practice was stopped when one of his colleagues made the announcement "The next train on platform XX is the XX.XX Mystery Trip to "XXXX" .... !

 

[LowLevel]

I remember doing a passenger assist on a Northern Belle mystery lunch excursion (they were about the only private operator who paid the station operator for full assistance where required!) and the elderly lady I was pushing in our wheelchair down to the platform spent most of the trip trying to coax the destination out of me

 

[40129]

At Wolverhampton today:

"Platform 5 for the XX:20 London Midland service to Birmingham New Street and Walsall. Calling at Penkridge, Stafford, Crewe ... and Liverpool Lime Street" followed by muffled embarrassment before the PA was switched off and then back on for the correct calling pattern to be announced.

 

[Kite159]

On a SET service on the approach to Charing Cross:

"Ladies and Gentlemen we are now approaching Charing Cross our final stop for this journey, please remember to take blah blah you know the rest, have a good evening"

 

[40129]

LT has a history of interesting/humorous announcements including such gems as:

"We apologize for the delay but the signals are having a touch of the Monday morning blues"

"Please do not applaud or wave sarcastically at the driver. It's not his fault it's running late"

"Next stop Stanmore. Or Hell"

"Staff call: Will the station cleaner" (end of message)

And one where the driver in question hopefully didn't realize the PA was live "B******* to the lot of them I don't care if they're late for work"

 

[southern442]

I was on a Southern train once and after hearing over the PA a short but humourous moan from the driver about how Tattenham Corner trains always get priority over us (I can't recall exactly what he said), the guard told us our next stop would be "The Eastern Region of the Croydonian Realm" before the driver came back on the PA: "well well well, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like I have a bit of competition on my hands!"

 

[EbbwJunction1]

I remember doing a passenger assist on a Northern Belle mystery lunch excursion (they were about the only private operator who paid the station operator for full assistance where required!) and the elderly lady I was pushing in our wheelchair down to the platform spent most of the trip trying to coax the destination out of me

Did she succeed?

(Go on, you can tell me ... it won't go any further!!)

 

[fairysdad]

LT has a history of interesting/humorous announcements including such gems as:

. . .

And one where the driver in question hopefully didn't realize the PA was live "B******* to the lot of them I don't care if they're late for work"

Reminds me of another one I heard, on a tailing rush-hour District Line service. At each stop, the doors would close, then reopen, then close - the standard procedure when people are blocking the doors. Then the driver:

"Look, this train is late enough as it is without you p***ing around with the doors. When I say 'stand clear of the doors', I mean it."

 

[arabianights]

Possibly an urban myth from London Underground: "Could the gentleman in the red jacket who just relieved himself on platform 4 please come to the Station Supervisor's office to get a mop and bucket to clean it up. Once again, that's the gentleman in the red jacket who just relieved himself on platform 4..."

I can well believe it - I got told off on a rather drunken night out by the PA for relieving myself on the Jubilee line platform end at West Ham once. Nothing about a bucket but I do remember the announcement ended in "no... just no"

 

[Galvanize]

On the District Line while waiting for a Circle Line train to cross in front of us at Gloucester Road Junction.
"Ladies and gentlemen, same old story I'm afraid. We're being held here to let a Circle Line train cross ahead of us. Hopefully we'll be on our way in a minute. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause."

Travelling on the ECML one time, the guard was quite ****ed off with people standing too close to the platform edge seeing loved ones off, while the train was ready to depart. Guard made an additional announcement after the usual post departure announcement from a large station.
"Finally ladies and gentlemen, just a quick personal announcement from me. I apologise if anyone heard me shouting obscene profanities on the platform just now. But if you are seeing people off, or are being seen off by friends or family or whatever, I appreciate that, but please do not stand so close to the edge of the platform, especially when its time to go. We blow whistles to warn you the doors are about to close, and the yellow line is there for your own safety. People have been killed both on National Rail and on the Underground because they've been dragged by the train, or fallen in the gap between the train and platform, so next time, please be more careful. Thank you for your attention, and your cooperation will be greatly appreciated."

On a busy rush hour train somewhere in the home counties.
"This is your Conductor speaking, I do appreciate that this is a very busy service and it may be difficult to find room in here. But can I ask everyone to move right down inside the coaches, if you see space, please use it, to allow everyone to board the train. Including myself, if I cannot get on the train, this train will be unable to move, and you won't be going home. So please move right down inside the train. Thank you."

On the DLR in the rush hour, PSA made an announcement about people holding the doors open.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please do not hold the doors open when their trying to close. We run a very frequent service, so don't worry about missing this train, you won't be waiting more than 3 minutes for the next train. Seriously though, holding the doors open will cause damage to the door mechanisms, and if you keep doing it, it will mean the train will have to be taken out of service for the mechanisms to be repaired. So don't be selfish."

 

[CharlieSpotted]

This just in from Nick Pegg on twitter:

https://twitter.com/NicholasPegg/status/664439535569346560

 

[LowLevel]

Did she succeed?

(Go on, you can tell me ... it won't go any further!!)

No. It was Lincoln as it happens

 

[43106]

In 2001, in the days when XC was run by Virgin, I had a job interview north of Bristol, and right after it, they took me to Bristol Parkway to get a train back to Edinburgh. It was a bad day for VXC, as almost everything was running late. I caught the first thing that was going to Birmingham, a badly delayed Paignton service going to somewhere up the WCML (Manchester? Can't remember). Anyway, VXC were well aware that everything was going to pot, and the guard made an announcement that another delayed service going to Newcastle was right behind us, and suggested that anyone for Derby or beyond, change at Cheltenham. I and about 120 other people duly disembarked there. After about 5 or 10 minutes waiting on the platform, an announcement came over the station P.A. to say that the train to Newcastle was running about 3 hours late, and would terminate at York. The announcer then failed to take her thumb off the "Mic. On" button, and the northbound platform heard a male colleague of the announcer say "Typical Virgin! Doesn't go all the way!" The laughter on the platform must've been heard in Gloucester!

 

[ComUtoR]

Driver calls the Guard....

"XXX Can you grab me a paper on your way through"
"Sure, which one"
"Any, as long as its got tits in"

Suffice to say they thought they were on the cab to cab.

 

[Trainfan344]

Driver calls the Guard....

"XXX Can you grab me a paper on your way through"
"Sure, which one"
"Any, as long as its got tits in"

Suffice to say they thought they were on the cab to cab.

I presume he was brought a paper with David Cameron in it?

 

[ainsworth74]

Driver calls the Guard....

"XXX Can you grab me a paper on your way through"
"Sure, which one"
"Any, as long as its got tits in"

Suffice to say they thought they were on the cab to cab.

Oh dear

Out of curiosity is that an easy mistake to make? I assume it varies by train?

 

[ComUtoR]

Pretty easy.

They were reported by a passenger. No action was taken other than a minor telling off. It was a genuine error and thankfully nothing to rude.