Funny Guard Announcements.

[BrownE]

I had a couple of good ones on a recent journey.

"We're running a little slowly at the moment, the driver may have seen a speed van on the A9, but I'm just going to check with him. Sorry for the delay ladies and gentleman"

"There's been a Track Circuit Failure at Carrbridge, so we're just being signalled through the red light, hopefully the driver won't get three points for his motoring offence"

 

[Qwerty133]

On a slightly delayed train on the matlock branch a few weeks ago 'sorry for the slightly delayed departure from matlock, this was due to a technical error by the senior conductor' made the whole train laugh. (The train had made almost all of the 4/5 mins up by derby mainly due to getting straight out at amber hate junction.)

 

[Starmill]

This morning's Northern Rail guard as part of his announcement arriving into Manchester apologised for bothering people for tickets, but they'll "be glad they got them seeing as the ticket Mafia are waiting for them at the end of the platform" (g4s).

"Please ensure you get a grunt from the ticket monkeys at the end of the platform!"

I mean he also said "...please take all baggage, wives, children, chickens, pigs, goats and other livestock with you. Unattended items may be lost, damaged, destroyed or eaten." @ Manchester Pic

 

[185143]

on the 17:50 Manchester Pic to Llandudno yesterday:

Welcome to this ATW service to Chester calling at NLW, Earlestown, WBQ, RUE, Frodsham, helsby and CTR. I would apologise for the crowded conditions on the train but I am told that you travel like this all the time and aren't bothered anymore. This means that I will be unable to do a ticket check until some of you have left the train.

At Newton - Le - Willows:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sure you'll be glad to know that we will shortly be arriving into Newton le Willows. If you are lucky enough to be leaving us here, then please do take all personal belongings with you.

 

[317666]

On a slightly delayed train on the matlock branch a few weeks ago 'sorry for the slightly delayed departure from matlock, this was due to a technical error by the senior conductor' made the whole train laugh. (The train had made almost all of the 4/5 mins up by derby mainly due to getting straight out at amber hate junction.)

Had a guard on the same line: "We will shortly be arriving at Duffield International... Duffield... International, is your next station."

 

[Starmill]

on the 17:50 Manchester Pic to Llandudno yesterday:

Welcome to this ATW service to Chester calling at NLW, Earlestown, WBQ, RUE, Frodsham, helsby and CTR. I would apologise for the crowded conditions on the train but I am told that you travel like this all the time and aren't bothered anymore. This means that I will be unable to do a ticket check until some of you have left the train.

At Newton - Le - Willows:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sure you'll be glad to know that we will shortly be arriving into Newton le Willows. If you are lucky enough to be leaving us here, then please do take all personal belongings with you.

Did they announce it like this!? THAT would confuse people!

 

[Eagle]

Did they announce it like this!? THAT would confuse people!

Not as confusing as the fact he seems to have announced a Llandudno service as terminating at Chester.

 

[156441]

This morning's Northern Rail guard as part of his announcement arriving into Manchester apologised for bothering people for tickets, but they'll "be glad they got them seeing as the ticket Mafia are waiting for them at the end of the platform" (g4s).

"Please ensure you get a grunt from the ticket monkeys at the end of the platform!"

I mean he also said "...please take all baggage, wives, children, chickens, pigs, goats and other livestock with you. Unattended items may be lost, damaged, destroyed or eaten." @ Manchester Pic

starmill did your station get an award?

 

[Starmill]

starmill did your station get an award?

I think it was 'teeming metropolis' - sadly I'm only the one stop into Pic though!

"Turn that frown upside down!!!"

 

[dave12435]

I remember a train announcer at Tonbridge being really enthusiatic that a train was going to Dover
something like Folkestone Central and DOVER PRIOOORYY!!!

 

[30mog]

It wasn't actually a guard but. The one and only time I caught the morning train from Inverness to Edinburgh I heard something like. "Ladies and gentlemen the buffet is now open for drinks and light snacks but for the time being at least no sandwiches. Personally, if it were my decision sandwiches would now be available but people sat behind a desk think they know better. So I am not able to supply sandwiches. We will try and obtain supplies of sandwiches at Edinburgh, but apologies nonetheless to anyone who is not travelling beyond Edinburgh as this information is absolutely no help to you."

 

[Trainfan344]

On the 08:50 Lowestoft to Norwich this morning, we had a brilliant driver, who decided to announce the stations we were arriving at with a suffolk accent, for instance, "Here we go, this train is now arriving at Read-ham" and "Here we go, this train is now arriving at Brune-dal"

 

[Eeveevolve]

"Im sorry we are going so slow, but the signalman in his infinite wisdom has decided to let a train that stops at all stations to go in front of us"

TP from Leeds to Huddersfield.

And next from a Northern guard.

"Next stop, Ravensthorpe........dont know why we bother."

 

[oddiesjack]

On the Hope Valley stopper yesterday, heading for Piccadilly....

"The next stop will be Brinnington. If you are leaving the train at Brinnington...

<pause>

Good Luck!

 

[Crossover]

"Next stop, Ravensthorpe........dont know why we bother."

I can see where that guard is coming from :P

 

[lukeobrien02]

greater anglia

good morning ladies and gentlemen welcome aboard this greater anglia service to ipswich. i have some good and bad news for you this morning. there is a faulty train at Romford. now moving on to bad news there are 4 trains in front of us the 1st norwich the 2nd clacton on sea 3rd gidea park and 4th all stations to shenfield so sit back relax and enjoy what will be a long long long long long long journey

 

[dvboy]

On a Euston-Wolverhampton train that took the scenic route around Birmingham today, avoiding New Street:

We are now arriving at Sandwell & Dudley. For those who ignored my announcement before Birmingham International, the replacement bus service can be found at the front of the station for all stations back to Birmingham New Street.

 

[arabianights]

"Thank you to the lady who gave me the chocolate egg" - not that funny at all, but the first ever "unusual" announcement I ever heard. It was on the approach to Inverness from Pitlochery but I can't remember the full announcment (there was quite a bit more in the same vein most of it chocolate egg related).

 

[Michael.Y]

We are now approaching Didcot Parkway. Change here for stations to Oxford, stations beyond Oxford.....and Oxford.

 

[Flamingo]

We are now approaching ... where the hell are we?

 

[PHILIPE]

We had a guard yesterday whose announcments were really witty but he gave all necessary info at the same time and used common sense so far as nanny state announcements were concerned. What impressed me most was that when he started,, he opened by addressing us a "Passengers" which is what we were and not the horrible sounding "Customer" word.

 

[Welshman]

Reminds me of the one I heard on VT:-

"We are now approaching Warrington Bank Quay. Change here for stations.......whereabouts"

 

[dvboy]

Not a guard but Network Rail staff on the concourse at Birmingham New Street today:

"Where are you going?"
"Sandwell and Dudley."
"Sandwell AND Dudley? You'll have to make your mind up one way or t'other."

 

[Lrd]

Not a guard but Network Rail staff on the concourse at Birmingham New Street today:

"Where are you going?"
"Sandwell and Dudley."
"Sandwell AND Dudley? You'll have to make your mind up one way or t'other."

Brilliant! Sounds like something G4S would say.

 

[Galvanize]

Only discovered this thread, got a few funny ones!!

On a Virgin Mk3 set years and years ago on my way home from Scotland
"We will shortly be arriving at wonderful Wigan...change here for services to Liverpoool (*saying it in a mock scouse accent!*), also services to Kirkby and Southport from Wigan Wallgate!"

A Southeastern 375 along the Kent Coast approaching Faversham:
"Ladies and Gentleman, the next stop is Faversham, where our service will divide. Coaches 1 to 4, the first 4 coaches will be calling at Whitstable, Chestfield, Herne Bay, Birchington on Sea, Westgate on Sea, Margateonbenefits, Broadstairs, Dumpton Park and Ramsgate..." etc

Passengers all looked at one another thinking "Did he just say what we thought he said?!"


I once travelled on a Littlehampton/Eastbourne Splitter, on departure from Victoria, the guard made a very long announcement!

"Good afternoon you happy people, this is the conductor speaking, it brings me great pleasure to welcome you all to the Southern service to Littlehampton AND Eastbourne!

This train will be calling at Clapham Junction, East Croydon, Gatwick Airport...and Haywards Heath, where the train will magically divide!! Coaches 1 to 4, which conveniently have YELLOW handrails and seats with green trim, will call at Burgess Hill, Hassocks, Preston Park, Hove, Shoreham by Sea, Worthing, West Worthing, Durrington on Sea and Littlehampton, Coaches 5 to 8 with ORANGE handrails and GREY trim will run forward to stations to Eastbourne. So once again, Coaches 1 to 4 with Yellow handrails for Littlehampton, and 5 to 8 with orange ones for Eastbourne. If your still not sure, please do ask me as I shall be coming through the train.

If anybody's hungry or thirsty, do not worry, we've got an at seat trolley service, keeping you suitably refreshed with teas, coffees, selection of soft drinks, and sandwiches and other light snacks. Please can I ask people with luggage not to block the aisles, so that the trolley can pass through.

Once again, this is the Littlehampton and Eastbourne service, the service divides at Haywards Heath, and its Coaches 1 to 4 with Yellow handrails for Littlehampton and 5 to 8 with Orange ones. Thank you!"

Think we were almost at Clapham Junction after that post-departure announcement

 

[NathanPrior]

On the Jubilee Line on Monday, train was terminating at North Greenwich and we were at Canary Wharf, so the driver goes "this train terminates at the next station, get off here if you want to travel to Canning Town, West Ham and Stratford. If you don't know where you're going, get off here"

Made every chuckle, even people on the platform.

 

[Cobob04]

Over the years of train travel, I've heard both ends of driver 'speak', from the very dull to the interesting to the funny.

There is a driver on FGW with a sense of humour - well there has to be one at least..

It was a dull, cold and snowy morning.manafed to get on the train into Paddington and as it started off the driver came on the speaker with ' Hello, testing, one, two, three. As it works, welcome aboard the skylark.'

not trains but the London tube - Bakerloo line out of Paddington, female driver with a really strong Irish accent - morning everyone, (no reply), I said morning everyone, (slight reply), I know its monday morning and those little gray cells haven't quite worken up yet but good morning everyone (this time a loud 'Good morning driver' response), see it wasn't that bad, anyways - the next station on the flight today is Regents Park, you know where the zoo is, all those wonderful animals, you should get off here one day and go see them. anyways were were we, as yes Regents Park station, its just round this bend. The train entered the station with the announcement, well what do you know, its still here, told you it was. This banter went on the entire journey. Made a dull Monday a lot better.

 

[rmt4ever]

not trains but the London tube - Bakerloo line out of Paddington, female driver with a really strong Irish accent - morning everyone, (no reply), I said morning everyone, (slight reply), I know its monday morning and those little gray cells haven't quite worken up yet but good morning everyone (this time a loud 'Good morning driver' response), see it wasn't that bad, anyways - the next station on the flight today is Regents Park, you know where the zoo is, all those wonderful animals, you should get off here one day and go see them. anyways were were we, as yes Regents Park station, its just round this bend. The train entered the station with the announcement, well what do you know, its still here, told you it was. This banter went on the entire journey. Made a dull Monday a lot better.

I'd be slightly worried that the Train Driver was more obsessed with making continuous, ridiculous tanny announcements than actually.. ERM driving the train! Wouldn't be surprised if half way through that load of nonsense you heard "oops, s**t, there goes a red light"

 

[transmanche]

the next station on the flight today is Regents Park, you know where the zoo is, all those wonderful animals, you should get off here one day and go see them.

Very poor advice to get off at Regent's Park for the zoo... it's a long walk. Camden Town is much closer!

Yes, before you ask... my tongue is firmly in cheek. But it's a useful tip nonetheless.

 

[causton]

not trains but the London tube - Bakerloo line out of Paddington, female driver with a really strong Irish accent - morning everyone, (no reply), I said morning everyone, (slight reply), I know its monday morning and those little gray cells haven't quite worken up yet but good morning everyone (this time a loud 'Good morning driver' response), see it wasn't that bad, anyways - the next station on the flight today is Regents Park, you know where the zoo is, all those wonderful animals, you should get off here one day and go see them. anyways were were we, as yes Regents Park station, its just round this bend. The train entered the station with the announcement, well what do you know, its still here, told you it was. This banter went on the entire journey. Made a dull Monday a lot better.

Reminds me of the Irish lady on the opening credits of The Tube. Was it her?!?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JowTyzuosFw first couple of seconds!