Funny Guard Announcements.

[Rich McLean]

On the way to Plymouth from Reading, train was already 36 down, then we stopped just before Newbury with a trespasser on the line.

"Sorry to add more salt into the wounds, we are now being held by the signalman due to a tresspasser, but if you look over to the left of the train, you will see the trespasser being chased by the police", followed by a full running commentary until he tripped up and the police nailed him to the ground. This had the whole train in stitches, and certainly eased the stress of the delay

 

[Crossover]

Travelled on this train last night, and the conductor had most of the train in hysterics.

Started it off by saying "This is the 2020 train to Scarborough, calling at exotic locations such as Brighouse, Leeds, York, Malton, Seamer, and arriving at the Yorkshire Riviera of Scarborough at 2311" - that had us smiling.

Then, later he came up with "Over in Yorkshire, there has been some snow and ice. I am sorry, but due to the demise of common sense, I have to say that the snow and ice could be slippery" - well that had a lot of us in absolute stitches!!

Glad to see that there can be humour applied at times by the conductors - made the train journey much more pleasurable!

Coming from Manchester, I guess Brighouse could be seen as exotic

 

[crispy1978]

That was Paul, he is one of our trainers.

He was brilliant!! Certainly added some entertainment to the journey.

 

[Flamingo]

I once had a train delayed by cows on the line, and was eventually given clearance to proceed at caution as NR MOM had the cattle corralled on the relief line. After announcing we would soon be on the move, I couldn't resist adding "If you look out the left-hand window, you'll be able to see the cowboys from Network Rail at work!"

 

[xfield]

On a Northern train arriving into Manchester Piccadilly

The next station is the vibrant commuter town of Brinnington, where you will be joined by fellow happy commuters and old people.

We are now arriving at the bustling metropolis of Manchester on this grim day. Please will all passengers take a moment to check they have remembered to take all personal belongings, old people, livestock and teeth with them - any thing left behind may be destroyed by the security services. Please have your tickets ready for inspection by the G4S staff who will jubilantly grunt as you pass them. Thank you for travelling with Northern and I hope to see you again soon.

I've seen the same guard twice now, and he is always does quirky announcements. As he approached a large group of us standing at the rear of the train he said "I like what you've all got going here, huddling together for warmth"

 

[Starmill]

Somebody had a long day: "Welcome to the this Northern Rail service to Manchester Airport calling at Ashburys, Gorton, Guide Bridge, Flowery Feild, Newton-for-Hyde, Godley, Hattersley, Broadbottom, Dinting, Glossop and Hadfeild." Hmm.

 

[howittpie]

On the District Line last night there was a comic driver when we were being delayed by a trepassor at Mile End his announcements had the train smiling.

We are being delayed as some pillock has decided to go for a stroll on the tracks at Mile End.
This was followed at the next stop by some bright spark has gone for walkies on the track well he would be bright spark if we left the power on.
The third announcment was I have just been informed the trepassor is now near Stepney Green which is great as the police are at Mile End.
When the person had been arrested he announced the police have collared the trepassor so hopefully we will be on the move shortly but it depends where they got him as it is a long walk from Mile End to Stepney Green.
When we started moving again he announced we will now continue our scenic tour to Tower Hill.
His final announcemnt when on the approach to Mansion House was I wouldn't do the lottery tonight as I have just been informed that I will be terminating at Mansion House well at least it makes the job interesting,
A carrige full of smileing people emerged at Mansion House.

 

[SETCommuter]

I've heard the American OBM on HS1 once say:

"We're now arriving at St Pancras International, and while it's a cold wet morning, just remember that spring is but a few weeks away. Have a great day"

Not funny, but put a smile on people's faces on a miserable day

 

[High Dyke]

You say that like it's a competition!

I feel a bit left out - I don't think I've ever heard any funny guard announcements, although I did once hear FGW guard announcing the imminent arrival into Chippenham in a way that sounded very like he said "chips and ham". I probably misheard him, and in any case it hardly compares to those videos of "The Ram"!

A couple i'm reminded of are: An Intercity East Coast guard announcing "Leg of Pork - York." and a BR guard when asked if the "train was arriving at Brandon" replied "no mate...this is the middle of nowhere!"

Nice chap - alas no longer to be found on board the trains, he does customer service now at Nottingham. Formerly a Lincoln conductor.

Mr Hakim officially retires this week (5th), according to the e-mail sent out to fellow guards at Lincoln.

He will be missed, "this train will terminate at Lincoln have a safe journey, good nite, god bless taaaaaaaaaaaa".

 

[AlexS]

A couple i'm reminded of are: An Intercity East Coast guard announcing "Leg of Pork - York." and a BR guard when asked if the "train was arriving at Brandon" replied "no mate...this is the middle of nowhere!"


Mr Hakim officially retires this week (5th), according to the e-mail sent out to fellow guards at Lincoln.

A shame, another proper character lost! I miss seeing JH in the day job, but hope to welcome him back to my signalbox on the GCR once again, any time.

 

[trentside]

A shame, another proper character lost! I miss seeing JH in the day job, but hope to welcome him back to my signalbox on the GCR once again, any time.

Yes, it's a great shame. I saw him on the platform at Nottingham a few weeks ago and spent a few minutes chatting with him - he mentioned that retirement was imminent but I didn't realise it was so soon. I hope to see him again soon, a real character, as you say AlexS. God bless, Taaaaaaaaa!

Its been quite awhile since I've heard anything funny onboard a train actually - well... from the guard anyway!

 

[Eng274]

A shame, another proper character lost! I miss seeing JH in the day job, but hope to welcome him back to my signalbox on the GCR once again, any time.

Which signal box do you operate on the GCR if you don't mind me asking?

 

[AlexS]

All of them!

 

[furlong]

I've heard an EC guard announce this "...and the quiet coach is in Coach B, that's 'B' for 'be quiet' coach..."

made me giggle

On departure from Kings Cross on GNER, I once heard a variation on the normal "First class is at the rear of the train..." announcement, where every coach on the train was named in sequence with a word beginning with the letter of the coach. I can only remember a few of them now. First Class Coach M was the Money coach. Coach H is the Hot coach, as unfortunately the air conditioning has failed in this coach. Coach F is for Food. A was Ashtrays I think.

 

[mrpsb]

Just now on the Manchester - Southport train: "First class towards the front of the train... Cheap seats at the rear." Front unit a 150, rear unit a 142 . No idea if it started as a mistake but either way fantastic!

 

[Inox]

Earlier in the week i was on the Blackburn service to Manc Vic

There was a guard collecting tickets and one in the cab doing the doors and announcements.

Halfway through the journey the announcement came over:

'I'd like to introduce your guard, Steve [he want into a biography, ending with...] recently at Butlins he came second in a Robert Redford look-a-like competition'

 

[Alteran Ancient]

I had a good one last summer!

It was the 20:37 VIC>AFK Southeastern service - they use a "borrowed" FCC-branded Class 377 (which is sub-leased from Southern) for this service every Monday to Friday.

Passengers were standing on the platform outside the train waiting for the doors to open. I was fortunate enough to be standing at the head of the train, able to hear/see everything the driver was trying to do (driver's door was wide open). The passengers were unable to board because the driver couldn't actually release the doors...

MITRAC had one of its hissy fits and locked-up. Driver whipped-out his company Blackberry and made a call, trying to diagnose the problem. He tried to restart the computer twice, to no avail. Past 20:37 and the passengers still hadn't even boarded. About a minute later, the cab radio kicked-in - the signaller was trying to find out why the train hadn't left yet.

After killing the train at the Aux switch and then booting it back up, the driver was able to sign-in and finally release the doors.

The train took-off at 20:42 - only 5 minutes after its intended departure time. We got the usual blurb from the conductor on departure, preceded by a "Apologies for the late departure, this was due to a technical difficult. This is the 20:37 service to Ashford International, calling at..."

Less than a minute after the conductor hung-up the tannoy, there was another *ping-pong*, and we got this lovely gem...

"This is the driver speaking. Further to what the conductor was saying.... *sigh*, well, we live in a day and age where everything is controlled by computers. Now as you may well know with your computer at home, sometimes computers crash and that is exactly what happened to the on-board computer tonight. The fix is just like what you would do at home; you turn it off, turn it back on again and wait for everything to boot up again. I had to do just that to the train - turn it off, turn it on and wait for all the systems to start up again, and this can take some time. Thankfully, we're up and running now and hopefully won't run into any more problems. We're a couple of minutes late, but all the signals are green and the line is clear, so we should be able to make up for lost time."

Smiles were shared among fellow passengers.

 

[CockneySparrow]

On a train from Peterborough to Ely we stopped at Manea, the guard shouted MANEA, MANEA home of the maniacs

 

[fenview]

Might have been the Cross-Country Conductor who lives in Manea...

 

[AlexS]

Or more likely Fred from New Street!

 

[Michael.Y]

Steve from ATW:

On approaching Hereford on the morning school run:
(DORIS): WE WILL SHORTLY BE ARRIVING AT HEREFORD. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, as my electronic colleague has just said we are now approaching Hereford, so if you haven't finished your homework by now, it's too late, you should have done it last night..."

On approach to Ludlow:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to welcome the Ludlovians....or Ludlowites....whatever they're called.... if you're alighting here please mind out there is a MASSIVE gap between train and platform due to the wonders of Victorian engineering..."

On approach to Craven Arms:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now approaching Craven Arms... not sure what's here really, apart from the pub, and some trees....Oh....change here if you want the Heart of Wales line..."

 

[CC 72100]

Steve from ATW:

On approaching Hereford on the morning school run:
(DORIS): WE WILL SHORTLY BE ARRIVING AT HEREFORD. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, as my electronic colleague has just said we are now approaching Hereford, so if you haven't finished your homework by now, it's too late, you should have done it last night..."

On approach to Ludlow:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to welcome the Ludlovians....or Ludlowites....whatever they're called.... if you're alighting here please mind out there is a MASSIVE gap between train and platform due to the wonders of Victorian engineering..."

On approach to Craven Arms:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now approaching Craven Arms... not sure what's here really, apart from the pub, and some trees....Oh....change here if you want the Heart of Wales line..."

Would he also likely be responsible for announcing 'Costa del Leominster', as reported by a former work colleague today on Facebook?

 

[Michael.Y]

Would he also likely be responsible for announcing 'Costa del Leominster', as reported by a former work colleague today on Facebook?

Sounds like the sort of thing he'd say. We didn't stop at Leominster that morning so it didn't come up...

 

[Qwerty133]

Or more likely Fred from New Street!

Also told passengers not to get off from the rear coach as they will fall and break their leg (well I think it was him i sometimes get him and another guard confused)

 

[gage75]

was on a fast service out of Waterloo when the guard went through the stops and other info and then said he was in the middle of a ten car train, although we were on a not yet converted cls 458

 

[Lrd]

was on a fast service out of Waterloo when the guard went through the stops and other info and then said he was in the middle of a ten car train, although we were on a not yet converted cls 458

If it was on the mainline down towards Basingstoke/Southampton or Portsmouth then it would have been a 10 car Class 444.

 

[pdq]

Just now on TPE: "we apologise for the overcrowding on this train, this is due to people going home."

Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk 2

 

[xfield]

This morning's Northern Rail guard as part of his announcement arriving into Manchester apologised for bothering people for tickets, but they'll "be glad they got them seeing as the ticket Mafia are waiting for them at the end of the platform" (g4s).

 

[30mog]

Two offerings...

Once coming back from London to Sheffield

"We are now approaching Derby, would all passengers leaving the train here please ensure you take all your belongings with you like, bags, coats, suitcases and any fellow travellers you have become particularly friendly with"

As the same train left Derby a few minutes late

"Good evening ladies and gentleman welcome aboard this horizontally challenged midland mainline service..."

And there is a guy on Northern Rail noted for announcements like. "Special announcement for any passengers for Moorthorpe, we've arrived."

 

[John07]

My favourite was the guy they used to have at Haymarket doing the station announcements.

Often before the departure of the fast Edinburgh-Glasgow Queen Street train via Falkirk, there was a slow train to Glasgow Central via Shotts that took nearly two hours.

He would come up with announcements to the effect that "do not get on this train unless you have survival rations and a copy of War and Peace".