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Funny Guard Announcements.

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PaxVobiscum

PaxVobiscum

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burns20 said:
Theres an ATW Trolley guy that announces things like hes selling frm the trolley of the hogwarts express, rats tails, jellied bats etc.
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A couple of weeks ago, just after boarding the 1312 to Holyhead ATW at Llandudno Junction, I became aware of strange words and phrases coming down the coach behind me "Albatross! Albatross!" "Squirrels on a stick!" and yes, various bizarre Hogwarts references as well. It was from the trolley attendant - it must surely be the same man. He certainly brightened up the journey for us and all the other pax who were highly amused by the unexpected in-flight entertainment.
 
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Stephen55a1960

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I was on a train travelling from Bristol to Leeds a few years ago. The guard announced over the PA(after departing Derby): " It's come to my attention, that there are a number of passengers who have joined the train, at Derby, in the hope of going to Penzance and Exeter? This train is going to Leeds! If you're wanting to go to Penzance and Exeter, you are facing the wrong way. Will all those wishing to travel to the West Country, please alight at Chesterfield!" There was a mini stampede at Chesterfield! To this day, I don't know how people made that mistake? A sad reflection on their geographic knowledge perhaps?
 
ANorthernGuard

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Tracked said:
On the Sheffield train last week the guard was walking down asking for "tickets from Meadowhell" after Meadowhall :)
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We have wasted, rough green, hellwood and ..nts cross

Widnes, hough green, halewood, hunts cross.
 
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D1009

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Stephen55a1960 said:
I was on a train travelling from Bristol to Leeds a few years ago. The guard announced over the PA(after departing Derby): " It's come to my attention, that there are a number of passengers who have joined the train, at Derby, in the hope of going to Penzance and Exeter? This train is going to Leeds! If you're wanting to go to Penzance and Exeter, you are facing the wrong way. Will all those wishing to travel to the West Country, please alight at Chesterfield!" There was a mini stampede at Chesterfield! To this day, I don't know how people made that mistake? A sad reflection on their geographic knowledge perhaps?
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Not necessarily, there was a period when Cross Country trains in both directions were regularly using platform 1 at Derby, which caused a lot of confusion.
 
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Michael.Y

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Similar thing occurs at Chester when the train FROM Holyhead and the train TO Holyhead arrive on platforms 2 and 3 within minutes of each other.
 
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Bellwater

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ANorthernGuard said:
We have wasted, rough green, hellwood and ..nts cross

Widnes, hough green, halewood, hunts cross.
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I just put "whinging" in front of Widnes.

Now there are 4 car sets on Liverpool-Norwich there's a choice of 4 toilets for the Warrington/Widnes scroats to hide in...
 
bronzeonion

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The best ive heard was on an A stock train on the Metropolitan line heading northbound, a guy in uniform joined the driver in the cab at Wembley Park (which used to be a booking on point) and as soon as we started moving a voice came over the PA: 'Hold on tight, we're gonna go fast' so he did, we must have reached over 50mph between there and Preston Road. Came flying into Preston Road at about 45mph, very firm (but extremely accurate) stop, waited abit PA crackles: 'Sorry takin a bite out of my sandwich'. Then we set off again with another 'old on tight' This time nearly 60mph between Preston Road and Northwick Park, another firm accurate stop at Northwick Park. 'Finished my sandwich, mind the doors' and off we set to Harrow where the fun ended.
 
Gathursty

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"Hope you're enjoying your service, maybe with your husbands or wives or maybe if you're lucky with someone you actually want to be with." 15.39 from Lancaster to London Euston. - from a uni friend!
 
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charlie139

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The tannoy on the Valleys platform in Cardiff Central (6?) always gives some great lines, especially for terminating services 'This train is not for public use, step away from the train, don't go near the train, don't even touch the train' etc
 
jnjkerbin

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One from the Bakerloo Line:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, my apologies for the delay we're just waiting at a red signal. This is due to a slow driver. Don't you just hate them?"
 
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philjo

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Had a good one this morning on a 317 at WGC:

"This is welwyn garden City. We will wait here for 4 minutes then continue calling at Hatfield, Potters Bar, new Barnet, Oakleigh Park, new Southgate Finsbury Park and due to arrive at London Kings Cross at Oh Eight Seventeen hours. I will shortly ask my colleague the autoannouncer to take over. She hasn't turned up yet."

(cue most of the train laughing)
(A couple of minutes later the auto announcements start)

Earlier after leaving Hitchin we also had a good list of connections that could be made by changing at Stevenage (Knebworth, Hertford loop, east coast services to the East Midlands and North).

GN route regulars probably know which driver we had today!


I had one recently on arriving into Kings Cross that listed every tube line at Kings Cross & started listing FCC thameslink & EMT destinations, HS1 and Eurostar plus mentioning services from Euston!
 
Eagle

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philjo said:
Earlier after leaving Hitchin we also had a good list of connections that could be made by changing at Stevenage (Knebworth, Hertford loop, east coast services to the East Midlands and North).
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I've had quite a few guards who read out the first few lines on the station's LDB as we approached; but one XC guard seemed to just list all the places that services run to and which platforms they typically run from... which might have been useful had it not been 22.30 and services to most of those places had finished for the day.
 
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gogogoadam

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DanTrainMan185 said:
I had a very jolly bloke on the trolley service on a 175 from Cardiff-Manchester, saying things like 'we do sell ice-cream on board normally but it's too cold this winter!' and generally having a laugh. Certainly had the passengers giggling. Shame not all staff can be like that!
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Is this the Arriva trolley guy that also says 'Ice-Creams, Cakes and Bread' and asks if you want normal or Darjeeling Tea? (That's good as we don't have Darjeeling)

I was hoping he was still around! Also made a shape of a face when serving the tea with the sugar and stirrers. Sounds weird but it worked ...

Adam
 
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Michael.Y

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We do Earl Gray mind ;)

If he's the bloke I'm thinking of, he's also the one referenced earlier in the thread who offers items from the Harry Potter oeuvre.
 
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gogogoadam

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Ivo said:
I had one fairly recently where the guard said something interesting about every stop we made en route from [somewhere; Didcot maybe] to Bristol - the only time I've ever not changed at Bath Spa on an HST I believe. For instance, he referred to Bristol TM as "Brunel's brilliant Bristol Temple Meads".
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I know the one you mean. Also refers to Swindon as the Home of the Great Western Railway.

Adam
 
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Oscar

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Yesterday evening:
"Welcome to the bijoux station known as Bristol Parkway".
"...the charismatic station we know as Cheltenham Spa"
"Welcome to the bustling nerve centre of the West Midlands. We now have Birmingham New Street".
 
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6Gman

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Approaching Warrington from the south.

"We will shortly be arriving in the centre of the universe ... "
 
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Michael.Y

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Shrewsbury station
Friday 15 June
19:56hrs


"This is a special announcement for the CHILDREN on platform 7 near the gents loos... could you please stop fighting amongst yourselves, in particular stop picking on the one with ginger hair. Again, could the children on platform 7 by the bench at the bottom of the platform please stop fighting, and stop picking on the kid with ginger hair. Thankyou."

(Bunch of late teens who earlier had been doing 100m dashes from the end of 7 up to the end of the bay platforms)
 
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