backontrack
Established Member
Another from Milton Jones:
Milton Jones said:
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Forum Jokes
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Johnuk123
Established Member
- Joined
- 19 Mar 2012
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A picture of Abu Wahib, one of the ISIS's top thugs, the other is a Kebab. Can anybody tell which is which?
Passenger John
Member
Hope this works
https://www.facebook.com/willyfoo/videos/10153917246559245
https://www.facebook.com/willyfoo/videos/10153917246559245
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backontrack
Established Member
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
To say hello from the other side.
DasLunatic
Member
- Joined
- 11 May 2015
- Messages
- 696
Yo mama is...a very nice person.
HMS Ark Royal
Established Member
A joke...?
GWR customer service
GWR customer service
swj99
Member
- Joined
- 7 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 770
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
HMS Ark Royal
Established Member
Just spat out my cuppa over the monitor - nice one
Johnuk123
Established Member
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- 19 Mar 2012
- Messages
- 2,800
An Englishman walks into a bar.....
There's usually an Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman too, but they're all still at the Rugby World Cup.
Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!
Paddy runs into the bar and says, "Mick, someone has stolen your car." Mick says, "Did you see who took it?" Paddy says " no but I got the registration number."
There's usually an Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman too, but they're all still at the Rugby World Cup.
Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!
Paddy runs into the bar and says, "Mick, someone has stolen your car." Mick says, "Did you see who took it?" Paddy says " no but I got the registration number."
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12CSVT
Established Member
- Joined
- 18 Aug 2010
- Messages
- 2,611
Now imagine if Mr. Hedgeh was a footballer and scored an own goal, how it would appear on BBC text.
Team X 1 - 0 Team Y
Hedgeh o.g.
Techniquest
Veteran Member
341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
- Messages
- 2,012
Christmas tradition....
It was only a few days before Christmas and the toy factory was in chaos. The elves were working to rule and several toys had become damaged.
Samnta returned home for a nice hot cup of coffee, only to recieve another message. Distracted, he knocked over both the coffee jar and sugar bowl.
the message was to say that two reindeer were missing and two were lame.
Surveying the mess on the floor, he imagined the ear bashing Mrs Santa would give him
Just then, there was a knock at the door, and there was a fairy with a christmas tree
"Morning, Santa, isn't it just a beautiful day! Look at this lovely tree I've brought you. Where do you want me to put it?"
This explains the tradition of having a fairy on top of the christmas tree
-----
Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate
-----
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chicken hadn't evolved yet
It was only a few days before Christmas and the toy factory was in chaos. The elves were working to rule and several toys had become damaged.
Samnta returned home for a nice hot cup of coffee, only to recieve another message. Distracted, he knocked over both the coffee jar and sugar bowl.
the message was to say that two reindeer were missing and two were lame.
Surveying the mess on the floor, he imagined the ear bashing Mrs Santa would give him
Just then, there was a knock at the door, and there was a fairy with a christmas tree
"Morning, Santa, isn't it just a beautiful day! Look at this lovely tree I've brought you. Where do you want me to put it?"
This explains the tradition of having a fairy on top of the christmas tree
-----
Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate
-----
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chicken hadn't evolved yet
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Tracked
Established Member
someone started a Christmas thread, with some carols, by the time I wrote this it had been deleted:
Have Yourself A Northern Rail Christmas
Have Yourself A Northern Rail Christmas
Take a Pacer Ride
Sorry but, ear protection is not supplied
Have Yourself A Northern Rail Christmas
Here's a short delay
to Wakefield - it's only seven hours away
Here we are in the Powerhouse
in a cattle-truck of yore
comfy seats, it is clear to us
they're not here for us, for sure
Thirty years, how are they held together?
masking tape, and now
we'll be taking cast-offs from the underground
so have yourself a Northern Rail Christmas now
Have Yourself A Northern Rail Christmas
Have Yourself A Northern Rail Christmas
Take a Pacer Ride
Sorry but, ear protection is not supplied
Have Yourself A Northern Rail Christmas
Here's a short delay
to Wakefield - it's only seven hours away
Here we are in the Powerhouse
in a cattle-truck of yore
comfy seats, it is clear to us
they're not here for us, for sure
Thirty years, how are they held together?
masking tape, and now
we'll be taking cast-offs from the underground
so have yourself a Northern Rail Christmas now
HMS Ark Royal
Established Member
It was a terrible day at the Monastery when the Abbott found out the copy of the book that his Monks had been copying by hand for decades had a misprint
It should have said Celebrate and not Celibate
It should have said Celebrate and not Celibate
backontrack
Established Member
That was me.
Ding! Dong! Unhappily in Leeds (to the tune of Ding! Dong! Merrily on High)
Ding! Dong! Unhappily in Leeds
The holograms are singing
Ding! Dong! Nastily in Leeds
My poor, poor ears are ringing
Do-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-on't take luggage on the esc'-la-tor
Please use the lifts avail'ble
Basford Halls (to the tune of Deck the Halls)
Basford Halls with 86s
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la
Basford Halls with 66s
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la
With diesel and electric bo-bos
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Good depot for spotting locos
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
I saw starships come wailing in (to the tune of I Saw Three Ships)
I saw starships come wailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw starships come wailing in
In Prestbury in the morning
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Tracked
Established Member
That was me.
Ding! Dong! Unhappily in Leeds (to the tune of Ding! Dong! Merrily on High)
Ding! Dong! Unhappily in Leeds
The holograms are singing
Ding! Dong! Nastily in Leeds
My poor, poor ears are ringing
Do-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-on't take luggage on the esc'-la-tor
Please use the lifts avail'ble
Basford Halls (to the tune of Deck the Halls)
Basford Halls with 86s
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la
Basford Halls with 66s
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la
With diesel and electric bo-bos
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Good depot for spotting locos
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
I saw starships come wailing in (to the tune of I Saw Three Ships)
I saw starships come wailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw starships come wailing in
In Prestbury in the morning
Ah
Went straight into writing one, then when it disappeared forgot who'd started it!
backontrack
Established Member
Here's another:
HS2 (to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dashing into Bucks
Bulldozing the trees
On a big steel train
Built by the Chinese
Laughing as we go
If only they knew
It'll never reach the north
We'll curtail it at Crewe, OH
HS2, HS2
HIGH SPEED ALL THE WAY
OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO BE
PRIME MINISTER ON A TRAIN, OH
HS2, HS2
STILL WON'T BE COMPLETE
WE'RE STOPPING IT SO THE TRACK
WON'T RUN THROUGH GEORGE OSBORNE'S SEAT
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
Come on, everyone! Try writing your own!
HS2 (to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dashing into Bucks
Bulldozing the trees
On a big steel train
Built by the Chinese
Laughing as we go
If only they knew
It'll never reach the north
We'll curtail it at Crewe, OH
HS2, HS2
HIGH SPEED ALL THE WAY
OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO BE
PRIME MINISTER ON A TRAIN, OH
HS2, HS2
STILL WON'T BE COMPLETE
WE'RE STOPPING IT SO THE TRACK
WON'T RUN THROUGH GEORGE OSBORNE'S SEAT
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
Come on, everyone! Try writing your own!
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HMS Ark Royal
Established Member
Forum Songs for Christmas
"Rocking Around The Circle Line"
"I saw 143s go sailing by"
"Once in Exeter St David's City"
"Nodding Donkey"
"Hark! The Herald 321s Sing"
"Silent Night Riviera"
"God Rest Ye Merry 460s"
"Away in a Voyager"
"Oh Come All Ye Pacers"
"The Pacer and the Sprinter"
I worked hard to come up with those...
"Rocking Around The Circle Line"
"I saw 143s go sailing by"
"Once in Exeter St David's City"
"Nodding Donkey"
"Hark! The Herald 321s Sing"
"Silent Night Riviera"
"God Rest Ye Merry 460s"
"Away in a Voyager"
"Oh Come All Ye Pacers"
"The Pacer and the Sprinter"
I worked hard to come up with those...
backontrack
Established Member
Tracked
Established Member
Unfortunately, events today mean that my song might be out of date pretty soon, so ...
Oh the Pacer outside is frightful
but the contract is so delightful
it might be cheap but it's slow
Let it go, let it go, let it go
Oh the contract is nearly stopping
and our train co. is for the chopping
How does Arriva compare though?
Very low, Very low, Very low
When we finally kiss goodbye
to those Pacers all tired and worn
when we're paying it's no surprise
tickets will cost so much more
The service is slowly dying
and it really is no surprising
Northern Powerhouse, don't think so ...
Walking Home, Walking Home, Walking Home
Oh the Pacer outside is frightful
but the contract is so delightful
it might be cheap but it's slow
Let it go, let it go, let it go
Oh the contract is nearly stopping
and our train co. is for the chopping
How does Arriva compare though?
Very low, Very low, Very low
When we finally kiss goodbye
to those Pacers all tired and worn
when we're paying it's no surprise
tickets will cost so much more
The service is slowly dying
and it really is no surprising
Northern Powerhouse, don't think so ...
Walking Home, Walking Home, Walking Home
krus_aragon
Established Member
It's not a joke (or a song) but a funny quip I overheard this morning:
"How do you pronounce 'TUPE'? Well [this guy they were talking about] says it like 'toupée'..."
"How do you pronounce 'TUPE'? Well [this guy they were talking about] says it like 'toupée'..."
Bevan Price
Established Member
- Joined
- 22 Apr 2010
- Messages
- 8,319
1. Despite prolonged discussions between the Sleigh Operatives Department (SOD) and the Office of Fast Flying (OFF), we regret to announce that, due to funding cuts by Mr. Osborne, Father Christmas has had to announce that he cannot afford to make deliveries to any UK addresses this year. Post Office, assisted by Network Rail, will try to ensure that most presents are delivered no later than 24 December.
2. We also regret to report that Rudolph has been stolen by poachers. Consumers are advised to avoid purchasing meat products from North Pole Market, in case these contain Rudolph Steak or Rudolphburgers.
2. We also regret to report that Rudolph has been stolen by poachers. Consumers are advised to avoid purchasing meat products from North Pole Market, in case these contain Rudolph Steak or Rudolphburgers.
Springs Branch
Established Member
I've got a new job. I'm helping out a one-armed typist whenever she needs to type a capital letter. It's shift work.
zuriblue
Member
I was walking through Manchester yesterday when a Muslim man dropped his wallet, I picked it up and rushed over to give it back to him.
He then looked me in the eye and said - "as you performed an act of kindness I am going to give you some advice, don't go near Old Trafford on Saturday the 19th of December"
My heart skipped a beat. Why? I asked.
He replied - "The football down there is diabolical at the minute"
He then looked me in the eye and said - "as you performed an act of kindness I am going to give you some advice, don't go near Old Trafford on Saturday the 19th of December"
My heart skipped a beat. Why? I asked.
He replied - "The football down there is diabolical at the minute"
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Kite159
Veteran Member
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
I'm going to steal this, but switching Old Trafford for Elland Road!
Techniquest
Veteran Member
I nicked that for use at work, had to! We love bad jokes and we need some new material!
backontrack
Established Member
Techniquest, why not check out Milton Jones? He's got some great one-liners and he delivers them really well. They're also all SFW.
Jetlagged
Member
- Joined
- 13 Jul 2015
- Messages
- 209
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.
The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory
Following last years well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas be safe out there.......
The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory
Following last years well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas be safe out there.......
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