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Forum Jokes

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zuriblue

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Fred West gets arrested and dragged into interrogation. "Right, you *******" shouts the detective, "How many people have you killed?"

"Five" says West.

So off the police go and they dig up Cromwell Street in Gloucester and find 13 bodies. Furious, they return to Fred and confront him with the evidence.

"OK, what can I say? I'm a builder, I gave you an estimate!"
 
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Bevan Price

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Not original - based on joke story heard on radio.

Woman wanted to buy a parrot. Seller told her that parrot used to be in a brothel and knew some choice language.

Woman said "I'll risk it" and took the parrot home in its cage.

Woman got home, and took cover off the cage.

Parrot - "Nice house".

Then the woman's daughters came into the room.

Parrot - "Gorgeous Girls".

Then her husband came into the room.

Parrot - "Hello Keith"...........
 

zuriblue

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Location
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden.
"
Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian.
 

cjp

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In front of a computer
I was sent to Prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."

He replied, "Well, the Judge did give you 6 years."

"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out. She's never let me finish a sentence before
 

Dannypenguin

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24 Aug 2015
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Location
Gloucestershire, UK
Microsoft today unveiled the holographic imaging capabilities of Windows 7, with alarming results.

During a demonstration of the holographic projection system, the animated paperclip from Office 2000 leapt to life and attacked everyone in the room while screaming "I didn't ask for this job! It makes me seems such a jerk!". Two hundred people were injured.

In the meanhwile ten of the Windows 7 development team suffered heart attacks upon learning that someone has actually managed to install Office 2000 on a Windows 7 platform.

---

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
 

Antman

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A leaflet came through my letterbox the other day giving the number of a confidential hotline for those suffering from alcohol addiction...................................I rung it only to find that it was a new off licence that had just opened.....................cheeky gits!
 

zuriblue

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Location
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Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Veracruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as ...


sinko de Mayo.
 

Southwest

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Bedfordshire
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly, and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"



"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
 

les.

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219
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Great Grimsby
Brian, my champion racing snail hasn't been winning many races recently, so I decided to remove his shell to help with his weight and aerodynamics.

Unfortunately it hasn't worked. If anything it's made him more sluggish.
 

Peter Mugridge

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8 Apr 2010
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Epsom
It had been a busy day filming a TV advert for tortillas but at last it was finished and the director called out: "That's a wrap!"
 

swj99

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7 Nov 2011
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770
22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.
 

zuriblue

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Baden Switzerland
I went for an audition in a new musical about Cuba. The producer said I was good and would I be an understudy to a lead; I turned it down as I didn't want to play second Fidel.
 

northwichcat

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Celebrities: Tulisa. Her name was originally Lisa until one day she forgot her name and consulted an old Birthday card to find out what her name was.
 

DaveHarries

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England
Here's one that came my way on Facebook earlier:

- - - - - - - - - -

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

- - - - - - - - - -

:lol:

Dave
 
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Donny Dave

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Doncaster
Seeing as the kids go back to school tomorrow (around this area at least), how about a nice topical poem ....

Twas the night before school started when all through the town, teachers were groaning, it was a disturbing sound.

By 10 they were washed and tucked up in bed, where memories of children filled them with dread.

New pencils, new folders, new registers too. New classes, new grey hairs, their anxieties grew.

The parents just giggled when they learned of this fright, you've had 6 weeks off, they're all yours. Goodnight!..
 

les.

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7 Feb 2014
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219
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Great Grimsby
I walked into Asda this morning and some random bloke started throwing milk, eggs and cheese at me.

I thought "How Dairy"
 

Johnuk123

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[youtube]TdBBsAYIFUY[/youtube]

The benefits of a top class American education.
 
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Zoidberg

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Maybe already posted, but ...

Wife says to her computer programmer husband, "On the way home from work will you pop into the shop and get a pint of milk and if they have eggs, get six."

Arriving home with six pints of milk the wife asks "Why did you get six pints of milk?".

"They had eggs", he replied.
 

cjp

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife
 

Zoidberg

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife

Thank you. I really did LOL.
 

Johnuk123

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SFY9_Oid_1.jpg
 

HMS Ark Royal

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2 Sep 2015
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Hull
A couple from the world of aviation:
These 2 take place at Frankfurt.
Lufthanza 1286: (Requests take-off clearance in German)
Air Traffic Control (ATC): Lufthanza 1286, if you wish for me to grant your clearance please request in English.
LH 1286: I am a German, flying a German aeroplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unidentified voice (in a lovely British accent): Because you lost the bloody war.

A British Airways (Speedbird) flight has just landed at Frankfurt, and cleared the active runway.
ATC: Speedbird 206 you will taxi to your gate.
SB206: (stops on the taxi-way) Ok Franfurt Tower, just looking up or gate location now.
ATC: Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?
SB206: Yes, I did once in 1944, but I didn't land I just dropped something off.

I see that and raise you this:

One day, German pilot is flying a Lufthansa over London and he turns to the first officer and says

"Say something that, as a German pilot, will scare me" at which point the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight pulls up along side

"ACHTUNG! SPITFIRE!"
 

Jetlagged

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13 Jul 2015
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209
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken.”
 

swj99

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Joined
7 Nov 2011
Messages
770
I went with a prostitute for the first time in my life after thirty years of marriage. I paid my money and she said, "I will do anything that your wife won't."
"Brilliant, can you just sit down and be quiet for an hour then."
 

ttht

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6 Oct 2015
Messages
10
I heard the 'How do they keep warm in Moscow? By Russian around' joke a few days ago from some kids...made me laugh, even though I heard it years ago.
 

HMS Ark Royal

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Hull
Test pilot encounters a wing failure and so ejects at low level. The emergency services come rushing up to the badly injured pilot and ask

"What happened here?"

"I don't know - just arrived"

#

This is funny, but happened in real life

Aircraft: ATC request traffic and weather for flight level 70

ATC: I don't think you can manage to get that high

Aircraft: Disagree - repeat request for traffic and weather info for FL70

ATC (acting cocky): If you think you can manage it, altitude change approved. There is no cloud, wind is 20 at 112 - no traffic on altitude

Aircraft: Altitude change approved. descending to flight level seven zero

The plane was an SR-71 blackbird!
 

deltic1989

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21 Sep 2010
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1,483
Location
Nottingham
ATC: Speedbird 9 say altitude.
SB9: Altitude
ATC: Speedbird 9 say airspeed.
SB9: Airspeed
ATC: Speedbird 9 say cancel IFR (Instrument Flight Rules)
SB9: Flight Level 220, 370 Knots.

********************************************

There are some misconceptions in Aviation about the purpose of the propeller on an Aeroplane, I shall attempt to correct them.
What the propeller is, is simply a large fan to keep the pilot cool.
If you require proof of this, next time you are in the air make the propeller stop.
You will be able to see the pilot start sweating.

**************************************************

In aviation every aircraft has a log book, these are used as a record of maintenance carried out on aircraft, and also as a means of pilots communicating to engineers any problems with the aircraft. Here are a few (supposedly) true excerpts from these logs.

Problem: Something loose in the cockpit
Solution: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and, be serious.

P: Mouse in Cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Strange sound in cockpit (sounds like a tiny man with a hammer)
S: Confiscated hammer from tiny man

P: Dead flies on the windscreen.
S: Live flies on back order

P: Friction locks cause throttles to stick
S: That's what they are for.

P: No4 engine Missing. (Misfireing)
S: No4 Engine found on Right wing after a brief search.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: Weather Radar Hums.
S: reprogrammed radar with the lyrics.


As an aside if anyone does enjoy aviation related funnies. I can thoroughly reccomend the books Out of the Blue, and Out of the Blue Too. They have many funny and sometimes scary tales of flying in the RAF. They are available on Kindle.
 
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