Forum Jokes

[muddythefish]

Lancastrian says, "You know, I've always had a soft spot for Yorkshiremen really.

"The quick sands in Morecambe Bay"

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

Lancastrian says, "You know, I've always had a soft spot for Yorkshiremen really.

"The quick sands in Morecambe Bay"

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

[61653 HTAFC]

A priest and a Rabbi get talking on a park bench one afternoon. The priest says "Tell me, Jacob... Have you ever tasted bacon?" the Rabbi replies, "yes, when I was a young man I did get curious and I must say I did try some bacon once."
"Tastes pretty good, doesn't it?" says the priest...
The Rabbi agrees, and then says "Now, Francis... Tell me, have you ever slept with a lady?"
The priest replies "yes, in my youth, before I found the calling of the Lord, I must say I did pursue the pleasures of the flesh..."

"Sure beats the the taste of bacon, doesn't it?" says the Rabbi with a grin.

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

*tries hard top think of a joke*

Oh, I know - Argentina's claim over the Falklands!

#

Hitler maybe a bad person, but lets make sure that nobody ever forgets he killed Hitler

#

It is 1940 and the Churchills are having a meal with the De Gaulles in a London restaurant. At one point, Winston leans over to Madam De Gaulle and asks what she would like the most after the war.

"I would like a penis"

*cue stunned looks*

"My dear" said General De Gaulle, leaning over, "In England, it is pronounced 'happiness'"

 

[341o2]

i went with a prostitute for the first time in my life after thirty years of marriage. I paid my money and she said, "i will do anything that your wife won't."
"brilliant, can you just sit down and be quiet for an hour then."

lol....lol...lol

One celebrity named his racehorse after his wife
Nag nag nag

 

[ainsworth74]

This is funny, but happened in real life

Aircraft: ATC request traffic and weather for flight level 70

ATC: I don't think you can manage to get that high

Aircraft: Disagree - repeat request for traffic and weather info for FL70

ATC (acting cocky): If you think you can manage it, altitude change approved. There is no cloud, wind is 20 at 112 - no traffic on altitude

Aircraft: Altitude change approved. descending to flight level seven zero

The plane was an SR-71 blackbird!

If you're going to do the SR-71 story then at least do the proper one

There were a lot of things we couldn't do in an SR-71, but we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if, because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would not be the first word I would use to describe flying this plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a moment.

It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a great deal of confidence in the plane in the past ten months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below us, I could already see the coast of California from the Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.

I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back seat. There he was, with no really good view of the incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four different radios. This was good practice for him for when we began flying real missions, when a priority transmission from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult, too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during my entire flying career I had controlled my own transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however. Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn't match my expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He understood that and allowed me that luxury.

Just to get a sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly), we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.

We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked Center for a readout of his ground speed. Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at ninety knots on the ground."

Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel important. I referred to it as the " Houston Center voice." I have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on this country's space program and listening to the calm and distinct voice of the Houston controllers, that all other controllers since then wanted to sound like that, and that they basically did. And it didn't matter what sector of the country we would be flying in, it always seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die than sound bad on the radios.

Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his ground speed. "I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed." Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren. Then out of the blue, a navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios. "Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check". Before Center could reply, I'm thinking to myself, hey, Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million-dollar cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I got it, ol' Dusty here is making sure that every bug smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true speed is. He's the fastest dude in the valley today, and he just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his new Hornet. And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more distinct alliteration than emotion: "Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground."

And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done - in mere seconds we'll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now. I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that we had worked toward becoming. I was torn.

Somewhere, 13 miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his space helmet. Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke: "Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?" There was no hesitation, and the replay came as if was an everyday request. "Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground."

I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice: "Ah, Center, much thanks, we're showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money."

For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little crack in the armor of the Houston Center voice, when L.A.came back with, "Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one."

It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short, memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day's work. We never heard another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.

For just one day, it truly was fun being the fastest guys out there.

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

Never heard that one before

 

[Techniquest]

Nor have I but a brilliant read!

 

[cjp]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,

-by his parents, Truth and Trust,

-by his wife, Discretion,

-by his daughter, Responsibility,

-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

- I Know My Rights

- I Want It Now

- Someone Else Is To Blame

- I'm A Victim

- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass the message. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

 

[Peter Mugridge]

Aircraft: ATC request traffic and weather for flight level 70

ATC: I don't think you can manage to get that high

Aircraft: Disagree - repeat request for traffic and weather info for FL70

ATC (acting cocky): If you think you can manage it, altitude change approved. There is no cloud, wind is 20 at 112 - no traffic on altitude

Aircraft: Altitude change approved. descending to flight level seven zero

The plane was an SR-71 blackbird!

Is there a zero missing from there as FL70 is 7,000ft?

 

[90019]

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

The early bird may get the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

 

[backontrack]

The early bird may get the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

A pearl of wisdom indeed. Am I allowed to use this in my signature?

 

[FQ]

Early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese!

 

[muddythefish]

What do you call a bird with sticky feathers ?

Velcrow

 

[90019]

Am I allowed to use this in my signature?

Yep.

 

[backontrack]

Thanks.

 

[Jetlagged]

THE WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE
About this time of the year, older taxpayers will be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment.
This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers
Q. So the government is giving me back some of my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition flat screen TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on ebay your money will go Ireland
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco
* If you spend it on “cheap” cigs it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria
* If you give it to Oxfam 20% only will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.
* If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan, Germany, France, India or Korea.
* If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India.
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
It’s the patriotic thing to do.
No need to thank me....just glad I could be of help!

 

[zuriblue]

Tell me have you ever wondered when and where yodelling began ? Another true story...

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night there. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, " Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, " Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried, " We made such passionate love last night."

"What ?" shouted the farmer as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked down from the mountainside, cupped his hand to his mouth, and yelled out.

"LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO!"

 

[swj99]

I'm not saying my girlfriend is ugly...

But this Halloween she went to tell the neighbours to turn their TV down and they gave her some Haribo.

 

[IanD]

I'm not saying my girlfriend is ugly...

But this Halloween she went to tell the neighbours to turn their TV down and they gave her some Haribo.

Punching above your weight?

 

[341o2]

Mick and Pat are hunting, when Mick suddenly collapses, so Pat calls the ambulance service in a blind panic

"Me mate's collapsed, I think he's dead!"
"Calm down sir, we can help. Are you sure he's really dead?"
Phone put down, pause, sound of a shot, then Pat replies "OK, what next?"

 

[zuriblue]

I see that the hacker group Anonymous are to launch a campaign against Daesh.

Anyone else see the irony in an Islamic terrorist group being attacked by 72 virgins?

 

[Johnuk123]

Get one of these and you won't be sleeping in.

 

[swj99]

Punching above your weight?

How much do you think I weigh ?
I'm not saying my girlfriend's fat. But I've had to put an energy saving lightbulb in the fridge.

Get one of these and you won't be sleeping in.

Sleeping in what ?

 

[Johnuk123]

Sleeping in what ?

From the Urban Dictionary :

Sleeping in
To sleep later than usual, either by accident or deliberately due to the weekend or another event that alters scheduling.

 

[miami]

Cyst-ISIS: cos they’re irritating tw*ts

 

[Drogba11CFC]

How do you know if someone is vegan?

Don't worry, they'll soon tell you.

 

[FQ]

Not a very good one (you can tell that because I thought of it when I was irritated with VT) but I thought that I would post it anyway).

Virgin Trains.

If amount of coaches is a multiple of 5 then run screaming.
If amount of coaches is not a multiple of 5 then run screaming.

 

[Condor7]

Not a very good one (you can tell that because I thought of it when I was irritated with VT) but I thought that I would post it anyway).

Virgin Trains.

If amount of coaches is a multiple of 5 then run screaming.
If amount of coaches is not a multiple of 5 then run screaming.

For some reason that reminds me of an old joke...............

A lady who owns a bed and breakfast in Wales, is showing a guest his room, then she goes to the window and asks him to look out.
She says "Can you see the top of that mountain" he replies he can. "well that means it is going to rain" she says. "What if you can't see the top of the mountain" is his reply. Her response is "then it is raining already"

 

[PaxVobiscum]

For some reason that reminds me of an old joke...............

A lady who owns a bed and breakfast in Wales, is showing a guest his room, then she goes to the window and asks him to look out.
She says "Can you see the top of that mountain" he replies he can. "well that means it is going to rain" she says. "What if you can't see the top of the mountain" is his reply. Her response is "then it is raining already"

Which in turn reminded me of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weather_rock