FA CUP 3RD ROUND
BRISTOL ROVERS 1 ASTON VILLA 0
Bristol Rovers eased past relegation battlers Aston Villa with a comfortable win at the Memorial Stadium. Rovers’ winning goal came in farcical fashion in the 11th minute, Stephen Warnock’s dreadful backpass forcing Villa keeper Brad Guzan into a rushed clearance which rebounded off one of Richard Dunne’s chins and trickled over the line. Villa spent much of the first 45 minutes camped on the edge of their penalty area and seemed content to protect their one goal deficit. The first half was interrupted by a couple of lengthy delays, firstly when a pass from James Collins brought down a Boeing 737 which crashed near the dugout, waking up the Villa substitutes and causing Peter Grant to get up and point at something and sit down again. Then play had to be stopped when Darren Bent sent a carrier pigeon to his team-mates with a message to give him the ball, only for Richard Dunne to eat the pigeon with some roast potatoes and wash it down with a bottle of 1976 Pinot Noir. When play resumed Villa’s defence continued to hold firm in the face of no threat and attempted to smash the press box whenever they accidentally won the ball. Villa skipper Stilian Petrov had to have treatment for a neck injury and severe dehydration after running a total of 400 miles watching the ball sail over his head. Emile Heskey, playing in the midfield playmaker role, also had treatment for an injury to his hip after his left leg collided with his right leg and made him fall over. The half-time whistle was met with gales of laughter by the home support, which woke up the travelling support.
Villa improved marginally in the second half, with Heskey managing a shot which hit the fourth official in the shorts pocket and squashed his Snickers. Rover’s keeper Bevan was occasionally tested, but only by the Times Crossword which he had brought out for the second half. He completed it on 65 minutes and went on to do the sudoku before tearing the paper up and making an origami zoo. Darren Bent worked hard as always, spending the second half studying Rosetta Stone on his ipad - by the end of the match he was able to ask for a transfer in four different languages. On 72 minutes a pass from James Collins smashed a floodlight. Villa’s midfield was sorely lacking presence and bite; Stephen Ireland remained on the bench despite Alex McLeish’s claims that in training he was playing like “a man possessed by the spirit of George Best,” and Charles N’Zogbia was left out of the squad for missing his breakfast. Villa were reduced to ten men in the 75th minute when Alan Hutton was dismissed for a reckless two-footed studs-up challenge that demolished the snack bar and wrote off sixty sesame seed buns and thirty-five polystyrene cups and broke the glasses of a man in the queue. Villa briefly threatened in the dying moments when a clearance from James Collins rebounded off the moon before taking a deflection off Richard Dunne’s buttock and creeping past the post.
However, Rovers were never in trouble, and by the time the referee blew the final whistle their players had already changed into their pyjamas.
Alex McLeish: “We started slowly, the goal was unfortunate but we showed lots of character in the second half. Alan Hutton was unlucky, he’s not that sort of player. Obviously we’re disappointed to be knocked out, but you have to remember that Bristol Rovers beat Barnet last week, it’s never easy when you come here. Heskey was tremendous.”
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