Fake Rail News

[wls1]

In order to improve customer satisfaction, Barbara Morgante of Trenitalia announces buffet cars on board all c2c trains, and a menu created by Gino D'Acampo serving traditional Italian dishes and meals. With this, all staff are going to be trained so that they can only speak in Italian when at work, to confuse passengers and please the minds of the Italian leaders.

A new automatic delay repay scheme has also been introduced, with delays of more than 6 minutes, passengers will receive pizza delivered to their door, as they will get to their homes too late to cook dinner.

 

[deltic]

As part of top secret Brexit negotiations between the UK and Ireland informed sources confirm that the PM and Taoiseach have agreed to build a high speed hyperloop service between Dublin and London to dispel the idea of a hard border between the two countries. Criticism that the time savings achieved by the new 30 minute service will be more than offset by the time taken by compulsory strip searches, intensive security questioning and full data searches of laptops, smartphones etc were labelled as negative and typical remoaner whining. The new service is planned to start in 2050 in line with the start of the new EU-UK trade agreement

 

[AJM580]

As a condition of the 40% stake owned by Mitsui, Japanese style jingles are to be introduced on all Abellio Greater Anglia trains. They will be supplied by local talent - Ed Sheeran, Myleene Klass and The Singing Postman

 

[deltic]

After the outstanding success of the reopened Aberystwyth- Carmarthen line the Welsh Government announces its intention to re-open the line from Three Cocks Junction to Builth Road combined with a major tourist marketing campaign aimed at the stag and hen market following the demise of cheap flights to the Baltics, Dublin and Prague after Brexit - the 12 hour journey home to London, the Midlands and the North will allow visitors plenty of time to sober up say tourist minister Ken Skates. Concerns however have been raised about the safety of local sheep.

 

[Kite159]

With the success of electric trains in the central belt, the Scottish government announces the electrication of the Highlands Main Line with plans to carry on to Wick.

The rolling stock will be retired 390s

 

[D6975]

Welcome aboard the 0600 Bristol Temple Meads to London Paddington via Bath Spa. This service will be electrically powered throughout.

Will all customers please hand their batteries in to the train manager as soon as possible so that we can depart on time.

 

[341o2]

35028 Clan Line achieves 130mph

 

[Cowley]

"A renationalised railway featuring mainly locomotive hauled trains with opening windows and plenty of empty seats is just a better state of affairs for all concerned" says new Conservative minister for transport Elvis P Resley (who is incidentally the son of LNER A4 designer Nigel G Resley).

 

[HH]

As a condition of the 40% stake owned by Mitsui, Japanese style jingles are to be introduced on all Abellio Greater Anglia trains. They will be supplied by local talent - Ed Sheeran, Myleene Klass and The Singing Postman

Singing from beyond the grave; a good trick, that one.

 

[Adlington]

Hell franchise operator Old Nick has reassured sinners on Earth that all suffering endured on our [...] shambles of a rail network is redeemable against sentencing in the after-life.

‘Eternal punishment this maybe, but mortal commuters have already accrued an average of 20 odd years cruel and unusual punishment on the tracks and I for one think that counts for something!’ tweeted The Evil One, fresh from suspending ethereal evisceration operations and enforced Cold Play concerts for all former rail card holders on Thursday.

Newsbiscuit

 

[ian1944]

The BBC announce that an in-depth investigation has shown that the present system of rail fares is not too bad really, and that in particular walk-up train tickets are a bargain compared with airfares bought weeks in advance.