Fake Rail News

[fergusjbend]

The line between truth and fantasy is blurring, with Trump claiming non-existent massacres at Bowling Green and Sweden. Here is a chance to exercise your imagination with fake rail news!

To start off:

"Grayling proud as GTR achieves 99.99% reliability in latest results"

"RMT chiefs pay tribute to staunch ASLEF comrades"

"Network Rail point finger at ISIS after Easter possession over-runs"

Over to you....

 

[absolutelymilk]

"HS2 cancelled to provide funds for Skipton to Colne reopening and new locos to haul 442s"

 

[HH]

Pete Wilkinson reveals his former career as he puts 'Sooty' Horton through his tricks in front of an appreciative audience of Southern Commuters (in a Pathe News stylee).

 

[Bevan Price]

"Daily Mail & Telegraph call for rail deprivatisation, admitting that fragmentation of the network had been a mistake."

"Rail fares to be simplified and returned to a fixed charge per mile travelled."

"DfT to be abolished"

"PM Stephen Kinnock announces that rail electrification schemes will proceed as rapidly as possible"

 

[MarkyT]

"Delays and cancellation after flooding in the Oxford area . . . Isis thought to be responsible"

 

[Peter Mugridge]

"Joint venture First Stagecoach Ltd wins SWT franchise."

 

[Trainfan344]

Praise as Goverment introduces Legislation making the presence of a bar car on all services mandatory.

 

[Bromley boy]

Charles Horton announces the immediate reinstatement of guards on all DOO services to improve customer experience and safety.

In other news, drivers' pay has been increased to a basic salary of £60k for a 3 day week. Fire breaks to be included in diagrams forthwith.

 

[theironroad]

Railway staff allowed to get on with their jobs without 24/7 commentary, criticism and real time reporting from a minority of rail enthusiasts on an internet forum.

 

[Peter Sarf]

"Delays and cancellation after flooding in the Oxford area . . . Isis thought to be responsible"

Isis on the rise again eh. Well then - Railways, being on banks, provide extra services in areas over run by (the) Isis.

 

[theironroad]

"Joint venture First Stagecoach Ltd wins SWT franchise."

Jeez, do you know I hadn't actually considered that could be an outcome.

Would give the dft 3 options I guess.

 

[Mag_seven]

"Pacers to receive a 20 year life extension and be transferred en mass to operate services in London and South East England"

 

[Bromley boy]

Door open buttons wired up to main power line and interlock circuit, now delivering 750-1000 volt shocks to passengers who try to open doors which have closed/not been released.

 

[theironroad]

Door open buttons wired up to main power line and interlock circuit, now delivering 750-1000 volt shocks to passengers who try to open doors which have closed/not been released.

Increased to 2000 volts for people who stab the button 20 times before the release.

 

[47271]

Surely the Abellio Scotrail 'crisis' of last autumn was an actual case of fake news?

 

[Cowley]

RailUKforums put on official government banned list of websites due to proliferation of fake news stories.

 

[GatwickDepress]

The CrossCountry franchise to resume loco-hauled services from the North and Scotland to Brighton.

 

[theironroad]

After a full equipment, external and internal refurbishment class 442s return to the fast Waterloo to Weymouth services allowing class 444 desiros to be cascaded to Waterloo to Portsmouth harbour services.. Portsmouth line commuters are said to be ecstatic and the 'saynoto450' campaign is dissolved.

 

[fowler9]

Office managers to realise that heavy traffic or a broken down car is as unacceptable an excuse for being late for work as the bus or train being late (At least in my workplace why is it OK to be late if you drive a car, leave earlier, thats what I get told).

 

[Peter Sarf]

Increased to 2000 volts for people who stab the button 20 times before the release.

Pah. Right I am, from now on, going to wear rubber gloves.

 

[Peter Sarf]

After a full equipment, external and internal refurbishment class 442s return to the fast Waterloo to Weymouth services allowing class 444 desiros to be cascaded to Waterloo to Portsmouth harbour services.. Portsmouth line commuters are said to be ecstatic and the 'saynoto450' campaign is dissolved.

Your off topic - only fake news allowed on this thread .

 

[Master29]

Cross Country Trains passengers vote favourite route Newton Abbott to Exeter St Davids.

 

[theironroad]

your off topic - only fake news allowed on this thread :d.

:d

.....

 

[bramling]

The line between truth and fantasy is blurring, with Trump claiming non-existent massacres at Bowling Green and Sweden. Here is a chance to exercise your imagination with fake rail news!

To start off:

"Grayling proud as GTR achieves 99.99% reliability in latest results"

"RMT chiefs pay tribute to staunch ASLEF comrades"

"Network Rail point finger at ISIS after Easter possession over-runs"

Over to you....

DfT has announced abandonment of the Thameslink Programme, and has commenced a workstream to sell the class 700s abroad. With interest being low as most interested parties decided the trains needed too much work to bring their interiors up to an acceptable standard, it is currently expected most of the trains may be scrapped.

Wishful thinking.

 

[Qwerty133]

RMT demand a guard is placed on all rail replacement bus services...

 

[TimboM]

"Freight Operating Companies stop buying uninspiring North American locos and instead decide to use all the Class 60s, 90s and 92s they have stored in sidings across the country."

 

[185]

FirstGroup Plc is like, dead financially stable and probs bidding to by DB next week.

It's shares can no longer be bought in Poundland coz it's doing so well. :P

 

[Bromley boy]

Duplicate, please delete.

 

[Bromley boy]

After a full equipment, external and internal refurbishment class 442s return to the fast Waterloo to Weymouth services allowing class 444 desiros to be cascaded to Waterloo to Portsmouth harbour services.. Portsmouth line commuters are said to be ecstatic and the 'saynoto450' campaign is dissolved.

Class 442s refurbed by NASA, now fitted with pressurised monocoque carbon-fibre construction, carbon-ceramic brakes and oxblood-hide interior.

Equipped with combined onboard champagne bar/brothel pods (happy ending guaranteed within ticket price). Rolls Royce Olympus turbojets salvaged from Concorde, afterburners and stubby wings. And those weird electronic Japanese toilets with lots of controls and waterjets going everywhere.

Can now cruise at 5-10 feet above the tracks at 400kts+. Supersonic, Mach 2 operation may be possible, pending further tests.

Reclassified by network rail, the CAA and ICAO as "wing in ground effect" craft. Can make GPS landing approaches to stations.

HS2 procurement programme cancelled. We have the technology, Houston.

The leaks are real, the news is fake.

 

[gg1]

"Due to the levels of overcrowding on peak hour Cross City line services, London Midland have announced the replacement of class 323s with refurbished class 373s. The now surplus 323s will be cascaded to Arriva Trains Wales in order to allow for a 6tph service on the shortly to be electrified Heart of Wales line"