Entertaining 'lazy' or 'overhelpful' announcements

[bnm]

I once made this announcement

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it is with deep regret that I have to inform you that the United States of America football team have failed to defeat England. The two teams have drawn 2-2 at the Rusteberg Staduim in South Africa. Thank you.

Now that would've royally p*ss*d me off if I was hoping to avoid the result and watch the game on Sky+ when I got home!

 

[350401]

The guards on the Mid Cheshire Line and the Crewe to Manchester line vary in their announcements. Some are really detailed, outlining every change that is possible at Wilmslow and Stockport, sometimes its simply "welcome on board. This is the xx.04 service to Crewe. Calling all local stations", or even "Crewe Train". Comic highlights include "Now at the People's Republic of Levenshulme" and "Now at Alderley Edge. If your getting off here, lucky you". Best one recently, on a packed weekend evening service to Manchester - "we are now at Piccadilly. All Change. Have a good evening. To those passengers enjoying the local festivities, I hope that your hangovers are not too painful tomorrow". Certainly brought a smile to my face. Had a fair few apologies for early arrivals at Piccadilly too, always makes me laugh

 

[PR1Berske]

Many years ago I was on a HST waiting for its departure time at Swansea. About 5 minutes before departure the guard made the usual PA annnouncement "this is the XX XX to London Paddington calling at .... , change at Cardiff Central for (announces just about every station in Cardiff Valleys), change at Newport for (announces all the stations up to Crewe, change at Bristol Parkway for (announces just about every station you could travel direct from Bristol Parkway including all the main stations down to Penzance, all WCML stations north of Birmingham, and all stations from Doncaster to Aberdeen). The whole lot was repeated when we were on the move.

There have been times, travelling Virgin from Wigan North Western to Preston, when the announcement has been made on arrival at Preston that changes can be made "....and for stations to Liverpool Lime Street and....". Okay, you've stopped at Wigan, I think there may have been ample changing opportunities back there.....

 

[David Pemberton]

I'm in favour of pruning the announcements to the absolute bare minimum for 99% of the time, so that the occasional well judged humour really stands out.

My daily commute comprises three journeys: EMT Meridian NOT-STP, EC 225 KGX-GRA, and EMT 15x GRA-NOT. The variety of the announcements is vast.

The EMT Meridian & HST staff give long and verbose announcements about everything and anything. First prize to "Radio" Anne Bayliss she just never shuts up. The EC staff are more succinct, though recently have started to read out the ticket regs. The EMT 15x staff stick to the bare minimum of telling you where the train is going and where you are now.

Less of:

Where the saftey notices are (no one cares). Which coach is the First Class or Quiet Coach (you'll be thrown out of the former, if you are the noisy sort I guarantee you're also the type that doesn't pay attention to announcements).

Station stops, "The next stop is Leicester" is just fine, it doesn't matter if techincally the next station on the line is actually Sileby - we don't stop there. Or if the next stop is for the junction - the doors won't be released so we can't get off.

Padding words, "Ladies & Gentlemen, this Beeston, after Beeston this train will go forward to East Midlands Parkway." You don't need the Ladies & Gentlemen (the chime alerts us to the announcement) and trains don't go backwards, so why tell us its going forwards - anyway it depends which way my seat is facing...

More of (but only very rarely):

Please take your children with you - I don't like them any more than you.

Check you've got all your belongings with you, the paperwork to get them out of lost property is just awful.

This train is now non-stop for London St Pancras, which may be a bit of a surprise for the people on the platforms at Market Harborough, Kettering, Wellingborough, and Luton.

We have no idea when the line-side fire will be put out, as we're stopped at Peterborough I'm going to release the doors so you can have a walk. Please hurry back when called.

Your lifejacket has a light which illuminates automatically on contact with water and a whistle for attracting the sharks. (Lufhansa 1998 - everyone else was reading their newspaper, I nearly hurt myself laughing).

 

[142094]

Some on EMT seem to like to dwell on some station names - Derby being one of them. Instead of just Derby, it was Deeeeeerrrrrby.

 

[Flamingo]

- "When leaving the train, please make sure you take your friends with you" (football / ****head special)
- "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here" Late-nigh train arriving at final destination
- "We're 'ere, bugger off" Very empty late-night train arriving at final destination
- "If you are leaving the train here, make sure you take your personal possessions, if you are not leaving the train here, make sure no-body else is taking your personal possessions" at a hot-spot for bag thieves.

 

[Anvil1984]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, on departure from Bradford this service will reverse in formation, this is to avoid making a nasty mess of the station"

 

[HSTfan!!!]

Many years ago I was on a HST waiting for its departure time at Swansea. About 5 minutes before departure the guard made the usual PA annnouncement "this is the XX XX to London Paddington calling at .... , change at Cardiff Central for (announces just about every station in Cardiff Valleys), change at Newport for (announces all the stations up to Crewe, change at Bristol Parkway for (announces just about every station you could travel direct from Bristol Parkway including all the main stations down to Penzance, all WCML stations north of Birmingham, and all stations from Doncaster to Aberdeen). The whole lot was repeated when we were on the move.

and being a railwayman, I'll bet the guard still got asked a dozen times when he/she walked the train.

 

[Sceptre]

I remember one trip down to London on EC (might have been when it was NXEC) at least a year ago where all the staff were called "Happy Dave" or something similar, and when we got held up in I think, Grantham, the guard came onto the intercom and said we were stuck there because, and I quote, the "train in front has had a little booboo".

 

[ess]

best one i ever heard was on the platform at sheffield about 15 years ago. it was a 2-3 minute announcement of constant laughter before he realised

 

[asylumxl]

Padding words, "Ladies & Gentlemen, this Beeston, after Beeston this train will go forward to East Midlands Parkway." You don't need the Ladies & Gentlemen (the chime alerts us to the announcement) and trains don't go backwards, so why tell us its going forwards - anyway it depends which way my seat is facing...

Have you been on Plymouth-Gunnislake services? They do go from going forwards to backwards. I'm sure they're not the only ones, but it's what came to mind .

 

[Foxhound]

I'm sure they're not the only ones, but it's what came to mind .

Liskeard - Looe as well.

When it comes to odd, summer 1983 sat at York waiting for a 46 home to Plymouth, heard an announcement for a Penzance service which suggested pax changed at 'Sterth for Stives'. I kid you not.

 

[Greenback]

There is a story in these parts about a gentleman who used to manual announcements at Llanelli station in days of yore. A colleague had left a list of trains leaving Llanelli towards London during a time of disruption. After a couple fo trains had departed came the memorable list of calling points:

Neath, Port Talbot, Bridgend, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto and ditto.

 

[Oswyntail]

Back in 1978 on Peckham Rye station, the platform announcer seemed to have a special regard for the No 90 service. He would start by calling the "InterCity service from London Bridge to Victoria", and then run through "Denmark Hill, Clapham, Wandsworth Road, Battersea Park and Victoria" giving each station with relish, and making each one sound as if it was a stop on the golden road to Samarkand, filled with mystery and exoticism. A highlight of commuting.

 

[Templecombe]

this was funny and annoying at the same time because there was only room in the last coach and even through the whole of the train fits in thornford chetnole they still can't let you off from all doors anyway theres two for you welcome to those of you boarding at Yeovil pen Mill this train will be calling at Thornford Yetminster Chetnole,maiden newton Dorchester west upwey and sunny weymouth,
if passingers for thornford yetminster chetnole would like to fight they're way to the front door so I can let them out on request,

upon a 153 turning up at dorchester west Welcome to the how many passingers can we fit on a 153 contest calling at maiden newton chetnole yetminster thornford all stations to temple meads i hope noone else gets on i've already got 20 people rammed into my cab with me
I never got on that train too rammed

 

[Sapphire Blue]

this was funny and annoying at the same time because there was only room in the last coach and even through the whole of the train fits in thornford chetnole they still can't let you off from all doors anyway theres two for you welcome to those of you boarding at Yeovil pen Mill this train will be calling at Thornford Yetminster Chetnole,maiden newton Dorchester west upwey and sunny weymouth,
if passingers for thornford yetminster chetnole would like to fight they're way to the front door so I can let them out on request,

upon a 153 turning up at dorchester west Welcome to the how many passingers can we fit on a 153 contest calling at maiden newton chetnole yetminster thornford all stations to temple meads i hope noone else gets on i've already got 20 people rammed into my cab with me
I never got on that train too rammed

Glad you got that solitary comma in there, otherwise it could have been difficult to understand.

 

[Templecombe]

Glad you got that solitary comma in there, otherwise it could have been difficult to understand.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
real funny

 

[Geezertronic]

Glad you got that solitary comma in there, otherwise it could have been difficult to understand.

Isn't your comma unnecessary? Maybe you could lend it out?

 

[sprinterguy]

There definitely seems to be a serious comma shortage around here this afternoon, I think we need a "comma cascade" to send them where they're really needed

 

[Neilandrewhall]

On National Express East Anglia, on the class 315 they have no announcements, so if you end up falling asleep say at Harold Wood, and Don't want to go the last stop which is London Liverpool Street. Then your basically screwed because the drivers sometime's just ignore the fact that your on the train. Hope NXEA bring trains that have automated announcements