Comedic announcements

[crazyjimmy]

Had the “comedic” automatic announcement of the guy going “brrrrrrrr it’s so cold out here!” etc.. on Southeastern quite a few times yesterday while waiting extended periods of time for different trains. Hilarious.

Let it Snow was also played over the tannoy at some point towards the start of the evening peak at London Bridge on the Southeastern side yesterday - at the time it was impossible to get any meaningful information as there was very little service operating. Another piece of comedic genius.

The reaction to both wasn’t really surprising given the severe disruption at the time.

 

[ian1944]

He sounds even less funny than Michael McIntyre, if that's possible.

Yes - James Corden for sure, and Katherine Ryan possibly. I agree about McIntyre, anyway, which just shows what an individual thing our likes and dislikes are.

 

[lyndhurst25]

I recently saw this posted on another forum under the title "Questionable on-train humour" -

I travelled on Thurs xxxxx on the 1146 from Settle northwards to Carlisle. There was a FoSCL on-train guide giving brief updates as the train progressed. It would seem the on-train guide's name was xxxxx (the print on the name badge was quite small), although this shouldn't be hard to confirm. On approaching Garsdale, the on-train guide explained about the connecting bus service to Hawes which could be seen waiting on the road below the station. He then proceeded to explain that ladies might want to be a bit careful as allegedly a lady had previously asked if “this was the bus for Hawes”.

This type of comment is at minimum tasteless at any time but even more so on a day when a Minister of State has resigned for “touching a knee” and politicians all the way up to the PM are supporting the move to eradicate laddish culture. And from an on-train guide wearing S&C high-vis jacket and FoSCL badge......

 

[LowLevel]

I don't do comedy. It either works or it doesn't and it's not worth the risk. There's one exception though - if I fluff an announcement a swift dose of witty self deprecation usually results in smiles for hours.

 

[Rapidash]

There's a guard on the Devon Metro who can't stop punning to save himself. Last time we came into Paignton he did the usual 'all change' announcement and then had 'Final Countdown' by Europe play over the tannoy

One has learned to grin and bare it. Atleast someone still finds some small joy in their job.

 

[CentralTrainer]

Had one from the Platform staff member at Worcester Foregate Street on Friday afternoon when just about all services had been shut down.

“Ladies and Gentlemen - the next arrival into Platform 1 will be - yes - it’s a TRAIN!!! This will be forming the 1635 to Birmingham Snow Hill (small laugh). Once again the thing that you see on Platform 1 is a TRAIN!!!”

I liked the humour to lighten the situation.

 

[AY1975]

I wonder how XC's gaffers would react to a guard reciting Kevin Bridges;

"We are now arriving in Sheffield, could all passengers in first class please pull back your window blinds and take a look...at the real world"

A few weeks ago I was on an East Midlands Trains Class 158 on a Norwich-Liverpool train going from Alfreton to Sheffield, and as we arrived at Sheffield the guard said "We are now arriving at Sheffield, capital of the People's Republic of South Yorkshire." (I know it was dubbed the Socialist Republic of South Yorkshire in the 1970s and 80s.)

I can remember a few funny announcements by guards in BR days. I was on a 4-CEP EMU going to Margate on a "Network Day" to celebrate the launch of Network SouthEast in 1986, and as we crossed over the bridge across the Medway at Rochester, the guard pointed out Rochester castle and cathedral.

A guard on a Great Western Main Line HST once said "In two hours' time we will arrive at Weston-super-Mare for the golden sands. It took John Wesley three days!" and when it stopped at Slough he said "Change here for the Windsor & Eton branch. Where nicer to go on a day like this?"

 

[traction22]

A few weeks ago I was on an East Midlands Trains Class 158 on a Norwich-Liverpool train going from Alfreton to Sheffield, and as we arrived at Sheffield the guard said "We are now arriving at Sheffield, capital of the People's Republic of South Yorkshire." (I know it was dubbed the Socialist Republic of South Yorkshire in the 1970s and 80s.

I genuinely thought that was Barnsley.

 

[sheff1]

A few weeks ago I was on an East Midlands Trains Class 158 on a Norwich-Liverpool train going from Alfreton to Sheffield, and as we arrived at Sheffield the guard said "We are now arriving at Sheffield, capital of the People's Republic of South Yorkshire." (I know it was dubbed the Socialist Republic of South Yorkshire in the 1970s and 80s.)

Both "People's" & "Socialist" were in common usage. Glad to hear that guard is still around, I haven't encountered him for a long time.

 

[fairysdad]

...and then had 'Final Countdown' by Europe play over the tannoy.

You have to wonder if GWR have the relevant PPL licences to play music over a train PA system...

 

[Peter Mugridge]

You have to wonder if GWR have the relevant PPL licences to play music over a train PA system...

I think you mean PRS ( Performing Rights Society ) licences? To me, a PPL is a Private Pilot Licence...

 

[Bletchleyite]

I think you mean PRS ( Performing Rights Society ) licences? To me, a PPL is a Private Pilot Licence...

You need both - PRS (Performing Rights Society), which incorporates the MCPS which I forget what it stands for, is about paying the songwriter and performer, PPL (Phonographic Performance Ltd) is about paying the producer of the recording.

 

[Chester1]

One of the ATW trolley staff made different versions of the same joke everyday when annoucing what was for sale. It was basically saying that if you really wanted to surprise your boss by turning upto work drunk then there was a variety of alcoholic drinks available. The amusement and absurdity of this guy having to push around boose on a 7am service every day never wore thin.

 

[Cowley]

I once heard this at Exeter st David’s:
Bing bong bing “We apologise for the platform alteration from platform 5 to platform 3. This is due to a cock-up”

 

[Stampy]

Pulling into Folkestone Central (on a Southeastern High Speed service) as the heavens opened, and the guard announced.... "Welcome to 'Sunny Kent' please have your personal belongings and Umbrellas ready..."

 

[RichJF]

On a Southern train to London Bridge which was delayed & ran fast as a result of snow.
When preparing to depart at East Grinstead, the OBS said "the driver is making his way quickly but carefully as fast as the ice will allow him to move his legs as we don't want him to break his leg. Once he's done that we should be on our merry way".

 

[the-manxman]

When I lived in the UK, I had a meeting in London, but all the trains were disrupted and everybody was getting more and more stressed.

Finally, a posh older lady approached an Irish RPI on the platform and asked, “May I ask why the trains are disrupted, my good man?”

The Irishman thought for a minute, then responded with the air of man imparting vital information: “Well, Oi'd say dey're focked.”

He probably shouldn’t have said that, and almost certainly wouldn't have got away with it had he not been Irish, but it was very effective. Everybody roared with laughter and the general mood improved significantly.

 

[83G/84D]

I once heard this at Exeter st David’s:
Bing bong bing “We apologise for the platform alteration from platform 5 to platform 3. This is due to a cock-up”

That must have been when the announcer was located in the Panel. They used to do the announcements for Newton Abbot and Taunton as well. Quite funny when an announcement went out to the wrong station.

Sometimes the microphone was inadvertently left on at the end of the announcement which was interesting!

 

[ChiefPlanner]

Some ATW Conductor announced an early arrival into Swansea ....

"Sorry about this , we will just have to live with it ..." (or similar)

 

[Polarbear]

Today's 08:22 Liverpool-Scarborough service had a (mostly) comical conductor on board. Such gems as "coach A at the front, coach C at the back & for those who know their alphabet, B is in the middle" and "There are 2 toilets on board. If you keep walking up & down, you're bound to find one as you can't go left or right on a train".

Less professional (in my opinion) was the explanation for the delayed start, which he blamed firmly on Richard Branson-and not in a particularly nice way either! That Mr Branson has nothing to do with Network Rail, or in reality, day to day operations in the railway, had nothing to do with it.

 

[Intermodal]

Today's 08:22 Liverpool-Scarborough service had a (mostly) comical conductor on board. Such gems as "coach A at the front, coach C at the back & for those who know their alphabet, B is in the middle" and "There are 2 toilets on board. If you keep walking up & down, you're bound to find one as you can't go left or right on a train".

Less professional (in my opinion) was the explanation for the delayed start, which he blamed firmly on Richard Branson-and not in a particularly nice way either! That Mr Branson has nothing to do with Network Rail, or in reality, day to day operations in the railway, had nothing to do with it.

Eh, I think blaming it on Branson is funny - but perhaps people who are not aware that he truly does not have any involvement (unlike you and I) would take it too seriously?

 

[Bungaroosh]

On the Gatwick Express when I used it a lot in September there was a driver with a very Terry Thomas-type voice that I heard on about four different occasions:

"We will be calling at Gatwick Airport, Haywards on the Heath and Burgess on the Hill before arriving at our final destination of Brighton on the Sea.
"A trolley service of drinks and light refreshments is not available on this train".

 

[Polarbear]

Eh, I think blaming it on Branson is funny - but perhaps people who are not aware that he truly does not have any involvement (unlike you and I) would take it too seriously?

True, but for me, it was more the way it was said that was the problem. Difficult to articulate in written form, but I personally thought that bit was out of order & a bit unprofessional.

 

[Intermodal]

True, but for me, it was more the way it was said that was the problem. Difficult to articulate in written form, but I personally thought that bit was out of order & a bit unprofessional.

Understandable - sometimes you just have to be there.

 

[Brian1979]

Worked with a driver who told the passengers “Good news and bad news folks. The bad news is the engine has failed. The good news is this we are not on an aeroplane”.

 

[gordonthemoron]

31/12/1992 16:30 KGX-NCL

Just before we left Kings Cross, guard comes on the PA with the following announcement: Welcome on board the 16:30 intercity service to Newcastle upon Tyne, the centre of the universe

 

[Bertiethebobby]

One of the ATW trolley staff made different versions of the same joke everyday when annoucing what was for sale. It was basically saying that if you really wanted to surprise your boss by turning upto work drunk then there was a variety of alcoholic drinks available. The amusement and absurdity of this guy having to push around boose on a 7am service every day never wore thin.

Sounds like the guy who is quite often on the North Wales coast service. He's hilarious and well known by all the regular commuters. He calls all the women Mary and I think John for the guys. He has his own rhyming slang too, Yuri Geller for Stella etc. He makes this big thing about dragging the trolley through the carriage and with his dead pan humour reminds me of Jack Dee.

 

[Essexman]

Is he the ATW chap who offers 'squirrels on sticks' and various other strange items from a Monty Python sketch? It's going back a few years now but he was dead pan and most amusing.

 

[Bertiethebobby]

Yes, that's right he does.
I'd forgotten squirrels on sticks!

 

[Parallel]

Yes, that's right he does.
I'd forgotten squirrels on sticks!

I’ve been on one of his trains before. He was also selling ‘eggs and breads’ and ‘Gaviscon’ and gets very excited when you give him the correct change. I think every male is ‘Dave’ IIRC. “Would you like milk Dave?” “Here you go Dave, if you can pass that along to other Dave” “Thanks Dave, you can come again” The whole carriage was in fits of laughter and most of the carriage ended up buying something from him. That was a couple of years ago though I did see him getting off a train with his trolley at Newport last summer.