Comedic announcements

[Welly]

Today I heard an automatic platform announcer say,"Please keep your baggage with you at all times. If you see anything suspicious, please inform a member of the station staff."

This was at a station that has been unstaffed since the mid 1960s!

 

[Hadders]

Comic announcement at Stevenage on Friday morning, after the cancellation of two consecutive trains to London was the Railokan 2020 announcement about the new timetable and the times of every train changing.

You’d think they’d just switch it off.

 

[JaJaWa]

Most of these are the same Southern driver:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6011RJiLP4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u78EjfcQk50

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SMQR60mgrk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk0BVvG2JdA

 

[PeterY]

They brightened up my Sunday evening.

 

[Killingworth]

Northern commuter stopping service from Piccadilly to Sheffield with about half a dozen young people in clearly new uniforms at the rear of the train, apparently in their first week route learning. Approaching Sheffield a female voice, commendably clearly. announces the imminent arrival advising to change here for Huddersfield, Hull, York, Lincoln, Leeds, Nottingham, Cleethorpes and London St Pancreas. How much did she win on that bet?

 

[Jonny]

I still remember the "you will have to upgrade your ticket" announcements on Transpennine Express in the late 2000s. I wonder if that was influenced by the use of the word upgrade on a certain fictional TV show where an upgrade involved being turned into an emotionless cyborg...

 

[dk1]

One of Greater Anglias finest welcomes you to Ipswich 'famous for its stunning architecture & hot volcanic springs' along with Felixstowe 'twinned with Las Vegas'. Yarmouth has been referred to as a 'tropical seaside paradise' as well as a 'delightful seaside hamlet.

 

[Warwick]

"Comedic announcements".
I'm so old that I can remember when they were funny announcements. Comedic. It's one of those words and phrases like signage for signing and directorial debut for debut as a director that's come creeping across from over the Atlantic ocean.
Anyway, back to the original subject. A genuinely amusing one-off announcement can and often will bring a smile to a jaded passenger's countenance. Someone who thinks that he/she/it is the life and soul of the part is just plain deluded and annoying. Such a person was the Guard on a train that I took from York back to London about thirty years ago. Every announcement was preceded by, "Hello everybody it's happy Harry your Guard speaking" followed by minutes of drivel. By the time that the train was pulling out of Peterborough the majority of my fellow passengers were more than ready to wipe the smile off his face.

 

[InOban]

Funny has two meanings. Funny Ha ha and funny peculiar. I agree that comedic is American. Amusing or comedy announcements would be better.

 

[Calthrop]

I'm a fairly miserable curmudgeon, pretty much averse to the "comedy industry" -- and yes, I'm in great demand at parties. Comedians have their place, I suppose; but subsidiary-to-train-guards, IMO isn't it.

Approximately quoting Gilbert & Sullivan:

"O, a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, if you'd listen to popular rumour;
From morning to night, he's all merry and bright, and he bubbles with wit and good humour."

Note the "private". People working in a serving-the-public capacity, and talking on public-address systems: for me, not the place for extempore comedy -- which is more often than not, from amateurs, feeble anyway.

 

[dk1]

Used to be an Ipswich based conductor that on approach to Stratford would announce...

...Change here for the underground, overground but not for the Wombles

 

[Pokelet]

Arriving into Barry Island a good few years back. "Next stop Barry Island, where we terminate, change here for the seaside, take a look around and remember to take your buckets spades and grannies with you. Have fun while we go back to Aberdare. All change please.

There is also a WMT guard who on arrival into New Street gives connection information for pretty much everywhere via anywhere, times, platforms, you name it. Well meaning but does get a wry smile from the regulars wondering how many people need the 9:09 to x changing at y for x......

 

[Tracked]

Not so much what was said, but was on a SHF-DON train today and the guard was sounding increasingly bored through the journey. Not sure if deliberate or accidental, but once I'd noticed it got funnier at every station. Either that, or it was the heat ...

 

[Thedispatcher]

Had one from the Platform staff member at Worcester Foregate Street on Friday afternoon when just about all services had been shut down.

“Ladies and Gentlemen - the next arrival into Platform 1 will be - yes - it’s a TRAIN!!! This will be forming the 1635 to Birmingham Snow Hill (small laugh). Once again the thing that you see on Platform 1 is a TRAIN!!!”

I liked the humour to lighten the situation.

This was me! Don’t think I was trying to be funny, I think I was just pleased to see a train too...

 

[grumblingalong]

Used to be an Ipswich based conductor that on approach to Stratford would announce...

...Change here for the underground, overground but not for the Wombles

Stolen.

 

[backontrack]

This one is fantastic!

 

[KC1]

Call me an old curmudgeon but I disagree. As you may have seen on the other threads about pointless, unnecessary announcements, most people feel there are too many long and over-wordy announcements as it is, never mind rail staff trying to be funny (I'm not sure what's so amusing about your example). I would rationalise that announcement to just the necessary bit as follows;

"The next stop will be Yarm."

You sound like a right barrel of laughs.

 

[Wst71Pa2]

How's about this gem?
Scotrail..
2x170 and the announcement is "the trolley is in the front half of the train, but due to a, design fault, you cannot move between the two halves"

 

[al78]

You sound like a right barrel of laughs.

I can sort of see his point. You don't get on a train expecting a comedy act, and for those who may not be used to the specific service they will just want clear information. If the would-be comedian knows when is appropriate to add a little humour to brighten up an otherwise dull train journey, then that is good, the problem is when someone who tries it who hasn't got such good social skills.

 

[apinnard]

One thing I can sum up from this thread: There are a lot of "Buzz Killingtons" on here. Many of you miserable lot who are averse to any sort of humour remind me of my long departed Grandad; sour old Radio 4 listener who always complained everywhere he went.

 

[pennineuk]

Many years ago there was a well known guard on the Manchester-Euston run. He used to play a harmonica over the PA. One of his announcements also ended “...and we will be travelling at a height of 6ft above the track”. Greatly missed!

 

[al78]

One thing I can sum up from this thread: There are a lot of "Buzz Killingtons" on here. Many of you miserable lot who are averse to any sort of humour remind me of my long departed Grandad; sour old Radio 4 listener who always complained everywhere he went.

Strange how there is always someone who thinks they can suss the personality of people they know nothing about, based on one or two posts in a thread.

Saying that in one situation comedy might not be appropriate does not mean they are averse to any sort of humour. That is just a massive strawman.

 

[backontrack]

One thing I can sum up from this thread: There are a lot of "Buzz Killingtons" on here. Many of you miserable lot who are averse to any sort of humour remind me of my long departed Grandad; sour old Radio 4 listener who always complained everywhere he went.

I'm afraid that I have to agree. Sometimes I think that it's a great shame that so many members take things so seriously...

 

[fusionblue]

My favourite announcement has to be "The next station is", followed by completely inaudible nonsense because the PA in the 465/466 is terrible.

 

[deltic1989]

I had one once where, upon arriving at the terminus, the guy said "Please remember to take all of you belongings with you. This includes coats, bags, children and elderly relatives. Any items left on the train can be collected tomorrow, for a small fee, from the local branch of Cash Converters."

It has left me wondering to this day how much Cash Converters would give me for my Mum.

 

[Kieran1990]

Had a guard a few weeks ago on Manchester-Leeds TPE who announced at Huddersfield all the local pubs within 2 mins of the station, followed by “Delightful Dewsbury” and finally “Lovley Leeds”
Made the 23min late arrival a tad more bearable

 

[Tumbleweed]

I remember years ago in Cardiff Queen St when the Rhymney trains were locomotive hauling old inter city carriages, the announcer said 'passengers with push chairs, heavy luggage, wheelchairs, horses, giraffes..please make your way to the back of the train' It stuck in my mind since then!

 

[Esker-pades]

A particularly bad evening rush hour on the South Eastern Main Line produced the simple "Ladies and gentlemen, this train is a disaster" from the driver.

 

[backontrack]

Stolen.

Don't forget to quip about copyright infringements at the end!

 

[oldman]

Not exactly comedy, but it amused me. As we left the narrow streets of Oban on a West Coast Motors bus towards Fort William the other day , the driver began his occasional commentary with the words 'Well, now we're oot o' Dodge', welcome...' - I wondered how many of the mostly non-British passengers understood the idiom.