'Bard' Guard

[Mr Fizz]

On pulling in to Bham NS today on my morning commute, rather than the usual dull "mind the gap etc" announcement, the Guard announced "Please mind the gap betwixt train and platform". Cue mirth from some and confusion from others.

Any other quirky guards announcements?

 

[J-P_L]

There’s a KX based train manager called Graham who gives some great announcements.

On approach to York he let us know that while most of the city is beautiful we needed to watch out as part of it was a shambles!

He apparently holds the record for listing the most connections on approach to a station as well.

 

[Ash Bridge]

There is a guard on Northern who's description of the the towns and villages served by each station arrived at on the journey is hilarious. Travelling back from Plumley to Stockport on a late evening service a couple of years ago had the whole 150 (well at least in the car I was in) in stitches.

 

[maire23]

There’s a KX based train manager called Graham who gives some great announcements.

On approach to York he let us know that while most of the city is beautiful we needed to watch out as part of it was a shambles!

He apparently holds the record for listing the most connections on approach to a station as well.

He’s brilliant- very funny! I once gave him a fright on a service once as checking tickets I showed him my railcard and I keep it in a wallet with my first class lounge pass and he said ‘what’s that? Oh it’s a lounge pass, I thought for a minute you were one of us spying on me’

 

[chris_in_salop]

I may be an old misery guts, but I really cannot bear "comedy" announcements. It's a service train, not an OAP's coach trip to Weston.

 

[ANorthernGuard]

I may be an old misery guts, but I really cannot bear "comedy" announcements. It's a service train, not an OAP's coach trip to Weston.

Yes you are!

 

[Y Ddraig Coch]

ATW guard during some of the wintery weather a short while ago "ladies and gentlemen we are now approaching Colwyn Bay, if you are leaving the train at this Ice rink , please mind the rather enormous gap between train and the rink and also remember skating is not allowed on station property, please remember to take all belongings with you and try not to drop them as you slip on the ice, thank you for travelling with Arriva Trains Wales"

Got a lot of laughs off a very busy train.

 

[Y Ddraig Coch]

Also East Midlands trains, one of the guards sang (quite well mostly) each stop over the PA between Crewe and Derby

 

[GatwickDepress]

As long as the announcements remain professional and convey all the necessary information, then I don't see an issue with a guard having a bit of a lark. I can imagine it makes the job more enjoyable and, speaking as a passenger, it can be quite refreshing to hear an amusing spin put on the same old announcements.

 

[6Gman]

On pulling in to Bham NS today on my morning commute, rather than the usual dull "mind the gap etc" announcement, the Guard announced "Please mind the gap betwixt train and platform". Cue mirth from some and confusion from others.

Any other quirky guards announcements?

On that specific example I can imagine management being unimpressed. On the basis that you don't mess with safety announcements.

 

[axlecounter]

On that specific example I can imagine management being unimpressed. On the basis that you don't mess with safety announcements.

In the real world, probably. In an hypotetical world he would be praised for bringing back attention to one of the most “invisible” announcement.

 

[infobleep]

There's a guard who use to say please mind the large gap between the train and the platform as you wouldn't want to fall down or you might embarrass yourself. This was when pulling into platform 17 at Clapham Junction.

I had one on the North Downs Line once do the announcements jokey. I personally like it. I like silly humour and at times find it's a good way of escaping the normalities of life.

 

[Bromley boy]

One that amused me recently was “we will shortly be arriving at noted architectural jewel of the south, East Croydon” from a GTR OBS. That raised quite a few laughs.

I’m not sure if it was a sarcastic reference to the area in general or to the newly remodelled station itself.

 

[LowLevel]

Also East Midlands trains, one of the guards sang (quite well mostly) each stop over the PA between Crewe and Derby

That will be the legendary Sherman. One of the nicest men I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and working with.

If you're really lucky he will share out boxes of chocolates on the train and in the summer he drags a cool box about with him full of chilled water and coke for his passengers in case of air con failure.

One of life's gentlemen - you won't miss him either, he is a dead ringer for Howard the Halifax Man!

 

[6Gman]

One that amused me recently was “we will shortly be arriving at noted architectural jewel of the south, East Croydon” from a GTR OBS. That raised quite a few laughs.

I’m not sure if it was a sarcastic reference to the area in general or to the newly remodelled station itself.

"We will shortly be arriving at the centre of the universe".

On the approach to Warrington Bank Quay.

 

[Y Ddraig Coch]

That will be the legendary Sherman. One of the nicest men I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and working with.

If you're really lucky he will share out boxes of chocolates on the train and in the summer he drags a cool box about with him full of chilled water and coke for his passengers in case of air con failure.

One of life's gentlemen - you won't miss him either, he is a dead ringer for Howard the Halifax Man!

That's the man, not a route I have need to use often, but he was so much fun and so nice to everyone I almost didn't realise the crap train we were on for so long. Sherman, it is logged and I hope to catch him again one day. Thanks.

 

[Bromley boy]

"We will shortly be arriving at the centre of the universe".

On the approach to Warrington Bank Quay.

I know a DOO driver who, perhaps looking forward to his break a little too much, announced “we will shortly be arriving at McDonalds.”

 

[paddlesnap419]

A few years ago a guy on GWR played the "That's all, folks" ending from Looney Tunes over the PA when arriving into Cardiff, the last station on the route. As I remember nobody on the packed 150 we were on was particularly impressed. Not sure if he's still around but I only heard it the once.

 

[cuccir]

The true bard guard is of course the rhyming guard in Northern who works out of Middlesbrough.

BBC article here!

 

[185143]

"We will shortly be arriving at the centre of the universe".

On the approach to Warrington Bank Quay.

Too right!

There's a Merseyrail guard who passes comment about all sorts of things-such as alighting at Birkenhead Park, which was used to create Central Park. New York have all the designer stores... but if you go round the corner from Birkenhead Park, you find everyone's favourite shop-the Aldi! 1-0 Birkenhead!

Had an ATW guard a few years ago on a rammed 175 who apologised for the crowding-but was well aware that we travelled like this all the time. Got a laugh from those who heard it-felt a bit more human! There's an EMT guard who tells passengers to change at Liverpool South Parkway 'for Ibiza and Alicante'

The EMT guard mentioned above on the Crewe-Derby line shared some fantastic cake with me and a mate once!

It's dodgy ground though... I remember hearing of an LM Guard who made some derogatory comments about Telford (I'm saying NOTHING...) and got in trouble when someone didn't find it funny.

 

[TheEdge]

It's dodgy ground though... I remember hearing of an LM Guard who made some derogatory comments about Telford (I'm saying NOTHING...) and got in trouble when someone didn't find it funny.

Is it possible to make comments about Telford that are not derogatory?

 

[meolebrace]

Telford....boring!

 

[chris_in_salop]

Is it possible to make comments about Telford that are not derogatory?

It's Telford's 50th anniversary this year. On balance, I'd say that the place has turned out quite well. Plenty of affordable housing and jobs, and the quality of life is reasonable (public services, shops, public spaces). A fantastic urban park. Of course it has its problems - a branch plant economy, pockets of entrenched deprivation, high teenage pregnancy rate. Some of the 1960s' decisions haven't turned out well - the labyrithine estates, the mega expressways and roundabouts, and the fact the main station was only added much later and is a bit of a hole. But it's not Wolverhampton, or Dudley.

 

[Girner]

Came across this by accident a few months ago, there are others with the same guard. Is this the legendary Sherman?

I personally don't see a problem if a guard wants to embellish a normally boring announcement. It could be an argument that it gets more people listening but it's the sort of thing that I could see an overzealous manager try to curtail by threat of disciplinary action such as the culture there currently is in the railway.

 

[Master29]

I used to like the "titillating" Tiverton Parkway guy who I remember a few times on the GWR. Having been to TVP titillating is hardly a word to describe it really.

 

[tsr]

Came across this by accident a few months ago, there are others with the same guard. Is this the legendary Sherman?

As the title of the video says, that’s a train driver. They’re based on Southern’s network, a long way from Sherman the guard!

The driver in that video is indeed well known and is the latest of several “comedy” drivers whom Southern have had over the last few years, most of whom have been very well received.

 

[northwichcat]

I recall the day after Rangers fans had caused trouble in Manchester a Northern guard made an announcement something like "I want to assure passengers this train was not trashed by the Rangers fans last night - it always looks this bad."

 

[ChiefPlanner]

There was a multi lingual guard on SW Division who used to make mundane calls at Clapham interesting , and another who would point out "wonderous rainbows over Battersea" etc....

The NY subway has some superb , funny, educational and charismatic conductors .....bit more than "watch the closing doors - 28th is next.."

 

[urbophile]

There is a guard on Merseyrail's Northern line whose gems include: 'our cruising speed will be approximately 30 mph and we shall be flying at a height of approximately one metre above ground level.'

 

[185143]

There is a guard on Merseyrail's Northern line whose gems include: 'our cruising speed will be approximately 30 mph and we shall be flying at a height of approximately one metre above ground level.'

Know him well!

'Thank you for umm... flying with Merseyrail today!'