As a guard myself and also a frequent rail traveller I take great pride in my announcements.
I keep them to an absolute minimum and the ones that I do make are, in my modest opinion, polite, clear and relevant.
The keeping to a minimum thing is key for me. Grand Central are awful for this.
There’s a female conductor who’s added in all sorts of warnings, presumably each based on something she’s encountered at least once. So in addition to the “This is not a LNER train, tickets marked LNER or LNER and connections are not valid on this service (etc etc) you also get announcements including:
- ‘First class upgrades are not available on this train. If you have a standard class ticket please do not sit in first class and expect to be able to upgrade your ticket. This needs to be done in advance of boarding using an app called SeatFrog”
- ‘If you wish to place your feet on the seat opposite you, to respect future passengers, please ensure you remove your shoes first” (I mean, really…?)
You them get an additional 5minutes of verbal diarrhoea from the buffet, which usually includes some needlessly detailed description of a)whatever fault the boiler/coffee machine has today, b)a step by step account of how to order food in first class using the QR code on the seat or table in front of you, and often c) “I am fulfilling first class orders and serving first class passengers at their seat first, therefore the buffet will not open to passengers in standard class until the at-seat service is completed. At that point I will make a further announcement” - at which point the tarradiddle about the boiler/coffee machine begins again.
The fares are cheap, but it is like travelling on the Titfield Thunderbolt in terms of professionalism.