Comedic "things you would ban": minor things that irritate you

[GordonT]

I would ban the use of the word "alternate" when "alternative" is more appropriate.
Example from nationalrail.co.uk this evening:

"The police dealing with an incident at Hull means that all lines are blocked. Hull station is closed to protect customers safety due to an unsafe environment in Hull City Centre and the surrounding areas near the station. Trains are unable to call at this station for customers to disembark. Trains will terminate and start at alternate stations where possible."

 

[Busaholic]

I would ban the use of the word "alternate" when "alternative" is more appropriate.
Example from nationalrail.co.uk this evening:

"The police dealing with an incident at Hull means that all lines are blocked. Hull station is closed to protect customers safety due to an unsafe environment in Hull City Centre and the surrounding areas near the station. Trains are unable to call at this station for customers to disembark. Trains will terminate and start at alternate stations where possible."

Not only more appropriate, but the correct one!

Another gripe of mine is the Americanism ''multiple'' to mean more than one e.g. ''multiple people were injured'' which used to imply quite a few, certainly three or more, though the number might not yet be known. Instead you later get ''two people were slightly injured'' which, though reassuring, rather renders the original statement over-dramatic. Rolling news at its worst.

 

[GordonT]

Not only more appropriate, but the correct one!

Unfortunately UK dictionaries are grudgingly accepting that alternate is now a legitimate alternative to alternative in addition to its primary "turn about" meaning.

 

[dangie]

Electric Toasters which won’t evenly toast one slice of bread.

Over the years we’ve had many 2-slot electric toasters. Put in two slices of bread, set the browning control to how you like it and generally both slices of bread are toasted pretty much equally.

However just put in one slice of bread and it‘s not. One side will be toasted ok but the other hardly at all. Solution is to pop up the bread halfway through and flip it over.

This happens with every toaster we’ve had. Surely it can’t be rocket science (or toaster science) to design a toaster which will evenly toast one slice of bread?

 

[Mcr Warrior]

Aren't single slot (= long one slot) toasters still available?

 

[dangie]

Aren't single slot (= long one slot) toasters still available?

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one?

 

[ChrisEJ1993]

Restaurants where its so dark you can barely read the menu.

Restaurants where the food comes out when each dish is ready, rather than when they're all ready.

Meetings which could've been an email.

Trees that overhang footpaths.

 

[dgl]

We have a fancy Bosch toaster that actually uses quartz elements rather than the usual resistive wire elements. Seems to do a good job.

 

[dangie]

For cyclists: Sizing of cycle clothing.

Just sent off and received new pair of cycling bib shorts. According to the manufacturers website I fell into the Medium size. Knowing cycling clothes sizes are often quite small & tight fitting I sent off for both Medium and Large size, knowing I could return the size I didn’t want.

Let me simply say I have returned both sizes and now reordered both XL & 2XL. Hopefully one of those sizes will fit.

Not all cyclists are built like pencils….

 

[Mcr Warrior]

Not all cyclists are built like pencils….

Had a similar issue once with a pair of all weather cycling gloves. Supposedly XL size, but could barely get them on, and I don't have particularly big hands.

 

[Hadlow Road]

Not only more appropriate, but the correct one!

Another gripe of mine is the Americanism ''multiple'' to mean more than one e.g. ''multiple people were injured'' which used to imply quite a few, certainly three or more, though the number might not yet be known. Instead you later get ''two people were slightly injured'' which, though reassuring, rather renders the original statement over-dramatic. Rolling news at its worst.

Oh heavens. If I had to try to work out what was meant by “every other” (alternate) station I should probably not dare to embark. I will leave the U.S. (mis)use of momentarily for another time. Perhaps the time when I can quote and edit correctly.

 

[dangie]

Another gripe of mine is the Americanism……

I dislike the Americanism ‘do the math’
Mind you I also dislike the more British ‘do the maths’

 

[Ediswan]

One that's slowly becoming more of a thing for me - cooking times / instructions on food. The type is so small & I'm finding that I need to take a photo on my phone and increase the photo just to see what I need to do. Make the font bigger!

Worse, when the cooking instructions are on the back of a label (stuck to clear film) so you can't see them at all without buying and opening the product.

 

[Trainguy34]

Worse, when the cooking instructions are on the back of a label (stuck to clear film) so you can't see them at all without buying and opening the product.

Or when you can't get the label of a non-stick pan! Nothing sticks to it, apart from the label!

 

[TheGuy77]

Cheese & Onion crisps.
Voyagers.
Prices that end in 99.
'Cheapest Item Free' offers.
Pedestrianisation of City Centre roads.
Being topless in public.
Parents who don't discipline their kids.

 

[Ashley Hill]

Parents who don't discipline their kids

An ex policeman friend of mine jokes that this was humourlessly known as NSE Syndrome,that is Not Smacked Enough. Youngster’s who had gone through life without being told no and later threw a wobbly when collared by the fuzz.

 

[Busaholic]

I dislike the Americanism ‘do the math’
Mind you I also dislike the more British ‘do the maths’

'Do the arithmetic' is far more satisfactory, but it'd get downgraded to 'do the ariths.'

 

[Sun Chariot]

I'd ban bandanas, bad bananas and banned bands' banners.

 

[D6130]

I'd ban bandanas, bad hananas and banned band banners.

What about hand-held bananas - of the inflatable plastic variety?

 

[Sun Chariot]

What about hand-held bananas - of the inflatable plastic variety?

They too qualify as "bad", in my alliterative argument!

 

[dangie]

…Pedestrianisation of City Centre roads.….

Yes there’s not enough of them. Make city centres traffic free.

 

[GordonT]

One that's slowly becoming more of a thing for me - cooking times / instructions on food. The type is so small & I'm finding that I need to take a photo on my phone and increase the photo just to see what I need to do. Make the font bigger!

Totally agree but work on the basis that everything takes 30 mins at 180!

 

[bearhugger]

Totally agree but work on the basis that everything takes 30 mins at 180!

And if its not done after 30 mins pop it back in for a bit longer!

 

[Acey]

And if its not done after 30 mins pop it back in for a bit longer!

I just wait until my smoke alarm sounds !

 

[OhNoAPacer]

And if its not done after 30 mins pop it back in for a bit longer!

Or follow my mother's example that seemed to be if the meat is brown it's still cooking.

 

[dangie]

Hotel bathrooms where the wash basin is so big that it positions your face so far from the mirror that you need to wear glasses to have a shave.

 

[D6130]

Hotel bathrooms where the wash basin is so big that it positions your face so far from the mirror that you need to wear glasses to have a shave.

Hotel bathrooms where the wash hand basin mixer tap is so close to the edge of the bowl that you can't get your hands under it to wash them . (Looking at you Premier Inn!)

 

[Ostrich]

Supermarket self-service checkouts that dispense your cash change in the most convoluted combination they possibly can.
10ps, 5ps, 2ps, 1ps galore. I swear they'd issue hapennies, fathings and groats if they could .....

 

[PeterY]

Supermarket self-service checkouts that dispense your cash change in the most convoluted combination they possibly can.
10ps, 5ps, 2ps, 1ps galore. I swear they'd issue hapennies, fathings and groats if they could .....

I've noticed that. I always end up with loads of pesky 5p's . Every cloud has a silver lining, they go in my charity bucket.

 

[Busaholic]

Supermarket self-service checkouts that dispense your cash change in the most convoluted combination they possibly can.
10ps, 5ps, 2ps, 1ps galore. I swear they'd issue hapennies, fathings and groats if they could .....

Simple, they don't want the hassle of bagging them up to bank.