Entertaining 'lazy' or 'overhelpful' announcements

[bakerstreet]

Inspired by two separate journeys in differwent parts of the south-east over the last few days.

Firstly, at one extreme

This is the xx.xx to London xxxxx. Calling at xxxxxxx, xxxxxxxx etc etc, I am your guard, you can find me in the middle of this 8 car train, but I will be walking through the train during the journey to check tickets and to stand on the platofrm checking the train before departure from stations. If you are travelling later today or in the future you can buy tickets from me. I can take cash or cards and accept railcards for future travel. I can't sell or top up oyster cards. You can get these from the tube in London. If you are in a quiet carriage please avoid making any unneccessary noise. You can tell it's a quiet carriage by the signs on the windows. Hope you have an enjoyable journey and thank you for travelling with xxxxx services.

And at the other... on arrival at a major airport the (I think driver) said

Airport

That's it. And in such a way that somehow he managed to almost reduce it down to one syllable.

No criticism in here, by the way, this is why human announcements should never disappear - they make the journey!!!

 

[thelem]

If you are in a quiet carriage please avoid making any unneccessary noise.

Oh the irony

 

[Jaybee]

On the Cross Country routes into Nottingham, there is one guard who sounds like he is about to passout when making one word announcments, "Beeeeston" then huge gasps for air!

 

[HSTfan!!!]

I think most of us like to add a personal touch but management frown upon it so...

 

[Geezertronic]

There's one Train Manager on Virgin Trains (I know his name but won't post it) who always ends the journey with something like "If it's your birthday today, you share it with...." and includes a quip or two. I can't see anything wrong with that to be honest, any management that would complain about something like that are just being ridiculous.

 

[Wyvern]

When Virgin had the cross country route a TM used to announce "We are now approaching charismatic Chesterfield"

I never found out what was charismatic about the place.

 

[Royston Vasey]

When Virgin had the cross country route a TM used to announce "We are now approaching charismatic Chesterfield"

I never found out what was charismatic about the place.

I recently boarded an XC Voyager at Oxford, which in anouncements the TM always prefaced with "The den of inequity that is..." which I liked.

 

[stut]

There's an EMT guard that seems to enjoy singing remote Lincolnshire stations in an ecclesiastical style...

Otherwise, FCC must win for the most overhelpful pre-recorded announcements. Particularly "there will now follow an announcement to help you with boarding and alighting from the train. When the hustle alarm sounds..." and so on.

 

[Geezertronic]

When the announcements are automated on the 390s, they are very poor and not very well formed together. Also, they announce the calling pattern without the terminus stop at the end (e.g. "This is the train for Birmingham New Street calling at Rugby, Coventry, Birmingham International") - I'd peronally prefer it to say the terminus stop at the end like the station announcements (automated or manual)

 

[OMGitsDAVE]

I heard this at Harrogate before

"Please can we remind all passengers to use litter bins provided - if you happen to have sweets, then please do share with a member of staff. Thankyou"

 

[talltim]

When Virgin had the cross country route a TM used to announce "We are now approaching charismatic Chesterfield"

I never found out what was charismatic about the place.

Me neither, and I've lived there eight years...

 

[Wyvern]

Even the spire is crooked

 

[trentside]

I once encountered a Northern guard who's method of announcing stations was - "Passengers for xxx... we're 'ere". Always made people chuckle!

East Coast seem bad for going over the top with announcements. Once on a service from Leeds the guard went through exactly which tickets were valid on the service in microscopic detail. While helpful if you had the wrong ticket, it served only to make me paranoid that I didn't (despite the fact that I did!).

 

[313103]

I actually was asked by a passenger do i get trained in making announcements. I said no i dont, she then responded by saying that my announcement were more formal then the automated ones! what that meant i do not know. She said could you not liven it up, i said that is frowned upon as we are not to make our own style of announcements. So i just copy more or less the same announcements as the automated one.

 

[duffman82]

I had a funny announcement on a trans-pennie 158 back in 2005.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen on this service to sunny scarbrough, calling at wonderful Warrington, beautiful Birchwood, mad Manchester Oxford road and so on"

It was quite good having a guard put a bit of humour in his work.

 

[MCR247]

When the announcements are automated on the 390s, they are very poor and not very well formed together. Also, they announce the calling pattern without the terminus stop at the end (e.g. "This is the train for Birmingham New Street calling at Rugby, Coventry, Birmingham International") - I'd peronally prefer it to say the terminus stop at the end like the station announcements (automated or manual)

I like that kind of announcement, but only if it is done properly. They should of recorded separate announcements for the last stations like 'Birmingham International', 'Watford Junction', 'Milton Keynes Central' 'Motherwell' 'Haymarket'
Birmingham New Street, 'Stockport because at the moment it goes

'calling at Rugby, Coventry, Birmingham International.....' as if it isn't over yet.

 

[323235]

I always find the women with the seductive voice on the PA at Crewe amusing.

 

[emoaconr]

The few times I've been on the WAG Express the guard has gone into great length about the latest meals available in the buffet car with the "travelling chef", whilst also telling passengers how to operate a slam door and the exact times the train arrives at each intermediate station.

Again on the other hand, I've been on services with not a single announcement over the entire journey. Borderlands Line services may have "Shotton. Change here for Rhyl and Chester", but unless you want to face a 40 minute wait, there isn't really a point to making a connection there.

 

[LE Greys]

When the announcements are automated on the 390s, they are very poor and not very well formed together. Also, they announce the calling pattern without the terminus stop at the end (e.g. "This is the train for Birmingham New Street calling at Rugby, Coventry, Birmingham International") - I'd peronally prefer it to say the terminus stop at the end like the station announcements (automated or manual)

That's actually correct, you can't 'call at' a terminus. However, you can stop at a terminus (because you don't start again).

I also remember someone back in GNER days giving a rather extended monologue on the way into the Cross, complete with missing first syllable from the 'BunnnG'.
"...ies and gentlemen, we are now arriving at London King's Cross, where this train will terminate...' all the usual guff including two extraneous 'BunnnGs'. 'Great North Eastern Railway is pleased to inform you that we are arriving two minutes early. If you are heading off to the continent, the Eurostar terminus is out of the station, on your right. Just turn right off the platform and follow the signs down the passageway. Anyone going to anywhere on the Underground should walk out of the front of the station, turn right and go down the stairs, that includes people going to Heathrow Airport. Any passengers for Thameslink should...' BunnnG Then he stopped to open the doors, we had arrived. But he had not finished. BunnnG 'Any passengers for Thameslink, including anyone going to Gatwick Airport, should double back down Platform 8 and turn left through the arches. We hope you have a pleasant day, thank you all very much for travelling with us.' BunnnG

You probably weren't two minutes early by the time all that was over.

 

[Chapeltom]

I remember coming back from York on TP Express to Manchester Piccadilly and the announcements were done in a really high voice and just went on and on and on about safety and the like.

Needless to say I think most passengers found it quite funny if not mildly irritating..

 

[AlexS]

There's a Shrewsbury LM guard who generally rounds off his announcements at terminal stations (for me this is generally New Street) 'hope you have had a pleasant journey, and wherever you end up today, I hope you enjoy your train travels' which I've always rather liked.

 

[scotsman]

I once made this announcement

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it is with deep regret that I have to inform you that the United States of America football team have failed to defeat England. The two teams have drawn 2-2 at the Rusteberg Staduim in South Africa. Thank you.

 

[MidnightFlyer]

On eFriday night on a VXC to Bournemouth - 'ladies and gents we are now arriving at Basingstoke, if you have never been depressed before please change here. next stop Basingstoke'

 

[ChrisTheRef]

I once made this announcement

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it is with deep regret that I have to inform you that the United States of America football team have failed to defeat England. The two teams have drawn 2-2 at the Rusteberg Staduim in South Africa. Thank you.

Which is ironic, as it was 1-1!

I had a VT TM last week on the way up from London who made announcements really fun. He described the places we'd be calling at. Unfortunately, after 'Sunny Warrington' I got off at 'Wonderful Wigan' and couldn't hear anymore.
He was also where the quote came from in my signature!

 

[LE Greys]

I once made this announcement

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it is with deep regret that I have to inform you that the United States of America football team have failed to defeat England. The two teams have drawn 2-2 at the Rusteberg Staduim in South Africa. Thank you.

This wasn't on a train, but I had just landed at Gatwick one day and one of the flight crew came on and did the usual 'welcome to London' announcement, followed by the result of the Italian Grand Prix. He had just ruined my evening, I had planned to go home and watch the highlights without knowing the result. I told one of the cabin crew, and she though it was quite funny. :roll:

 

[Scotrail84]

I once made this announcement

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it is with deep regret that I have to inform you that the United States of America football team have failed to defeat England. The two teams have drawn 2-2 at the Rusteberg Staduim in South Africa. Thank you.

Why would he regret it that was a great night for us Jocks

 

[ainsworth74]

At least we were at the world cup

 

[Ferret]

When Virgin had the cross country route a TM used to announce "We are now approaching charismatic Chesterfield"

I never found out what was charismatic about the place.

Has to be Chris Howells! Last heard of living in San Francisco!!! He had loads of sayings - 'Sultry Steel City of Sheffield' was one, there were many many others!

 

[scotsman]

Which is ironic, as it was 1-1!

Whatever! I had the correct facts at the time - anyone but England!
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[/B][/I][/B]

Why would he regret it that was a great night for us Jocks

Well, I was hoping for a US win mate! I was on a train in Liverpool that day with three guys dressed as the three lions. It was painful knowing I was outnumbered and I had mini-speakers and Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA on my iPod!

 

[Ferret]

Well, I was hoping for a US win mate! I was on a train in Liverpool that day with three guys dressed as the three lions. It was painful knowing I was outnumbered and I had mini-speakers and Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA on my iPod!

Gosh, not somebody else who thinks that song is a real pro-USA patriotic song?! Oh dear.........