Things you wouldn't hear on the railways today....

[37401]

"My lords its a pair"
"Those new Pendolinos will be faster and much better than current stock"
as opposed to
"My class 67 caught up with a pendo on the WCML today" (and yes it really did catch up with it!)

 

[scotsman]

I'd like to apologise for the, this was caused by a lack of interest from shareholders.

 

[NXEA!]

We are now arriving at Stratford, get the F*** of the train

 

[jimrbrobinson]

Due to the Virgin empire trying to cut costs perhaps multi-job roles across divisions will become necessary:
"Welcome aboard this Virgin service from London to Scotlandshire. I am Lucas di Grassi and I will be your conductor for this journey. Please be advised that we will be arriving approximately two hours late in Glasgow, due to Timo Glock being your driver."

 

[MCR247]

"My lords its a pair"
"Those new Pendolinos will be faster and much better than current stock"
as opposed to
"My class 67 caught up with a pendo on the WCML today" (and yes it really did catch up with it!)

Probably because the 390 caught up with something else A freight? 350?

 

[455driver]

Is that the incident from Leeds about 3 years back? Or something that happened at Liverpool Street?

No this was at Ascot, the driver rang control who rang Ascot station, and they made a PA announcement over the whole station "for the attention of the guard on platform 3, could you please let your driver out of the toilet; he is stuck" (or something like that

"We're lost!"

Apparently, a passenger train got diverted into Ferrybridge power station because of incorrectly-set signals.

It was a cross country HST that had already been diverted off its booked path and the signaller assumed that the train describer for "next train" was playing up and had put a "1" in front instead of a "6" which was expected, this was back in the early 90s if memory serves.

 

[Lampshade]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are at war!"

 

[imagination]

"Err hi guys this is the driver speaking. Err this is my first time in this type of train and I really don't know how it works yet. So please try to be a bit sympathetic. You don't mind if we overshoot station platforms by a couple of hundred yards do you? Good."

 

[LoversWalk75A]

"This is your driver here....I shall be terminating at my bed when I've dropped all you ****wits off at Brighton!"

 

[Shrub Hill]

ladies and gentleman this is the gaurd speaking


" today.... i will mostly be a wearing...speedo's"

 

[Green Lane]

First Class is towards the front of the train, Dumbo the Elephant's mother is towards the rear.

 

[atomicdanny]

The Next Train at Platform 17 is the 10:00 Southern Stopping Service to Bournemouth

Calling at Battersea Park, Clapham Junction, Wandsworth Common, Balham, Streatham Common, Norbury, Thornton Heath, Selhurst, East Croydon, South Croydon, Purley Oaks, Purley, Coulsdon South, Merstham, Redhill, Nutfield, Godstone, Edenbridge, Penshurst, Leigh, Tonbridge, High Brooms, Tunbridge Wells, Frant, Wadhurst, Stonegate, Etchingham, Robertsbridge, Battle, Crowhurst, West St Leonards, St Leonards Warrior Sq, Hastings, St Leonards Warrior Sq, Bexhill, Collington, Cooden Beach, Normans Bay, Pevensey Bay, Pevensey & Westham, Hampden Park, Eastbourne, Hampden Park, Polegate, Berwick (Sussex), Glynde, Lewes, Falmer, Moulsecoomb, London Road (Brighton), Brighton, Preston Park, Hassocks, Burgess Hill, Haywards Heath, Balcombe, Three Bridges, Crawley, Ifield, Faygate, Littlehaven, Horsham, Christ's Hospital, Billingshurst, Pulborough, Amberley, Arundel, Littlehampton, Ford, Barnham, Chichester, Fishbourne, Bosham, Nutbourne, Southbourne, Emsworth, Warblington, Havant, Bedhampton, Hilsea, Fratton, Portsmouth and Southsea, Portsmouth Harbour, Portsmouth and Southsea, Fratton, Hilsea, Cosham, Portchester, Fareham, Botley, Hedge End, Eastleigh, Southampton Airport Parkway, Swaythling, St Denys, Southampton Central, Totton, Ashurst (New Forest), Beaulieu Road, Brockenhurst, Sway, New Milton, Hinton Admiral, Christchurch, Pokesdown and Bournemouth. This train will be formed of 2 coaches (a class 456 ) and will arrive at approximately 22:30...

Or would that be a bit over the top!

 

[Aictos]

Lol!

I don't know about being over the top as I make very similar announcements although nowhere near as long as that stopping pattern, I also add Thank You at the end.

 

[atomicdanny]

Lol!

I don't know about being over the top as I make very similar announcements although nowhere near as long as that stopping pattern, I also add Thank You at the end.

I doubt that FCC? would use a route like that though (Victoria - Redhill - Tonbridge - Hastings - Brighton - Three Bridges - Horsham - Littlehampton - Portsmouth - Eastleigh - Bournemouth!), although I bet that lot would be hard to remember, although I've noticed that South Eastern Conductors have cards with the routes on and stops, is this the same for you?

 

[ert47]

Sorta in the same vein as the previous post;

"Welcome aboard the London Underground service. Calling at; Sloane Square, South Kensington, Gloucester Road, High Street Kensington, Notting Hill Gate, Bayswater, Paddington, Edgware Road, Bakers Street, Great Portland Street, Euston Square, King's Cross St. Pancras, Farringdon, Barbican, Moorgate, Liverpool Street, Aldgate, Tower Hill, Monument, Cannon Street, Mansion House, Temple, Embankment, Westminster, St. James's Park, Victoria, Sloane Square, South Kensington, Gloucester Road, High Street Kensington, Notting Hill Gate, Bayswater, Paddington, Edgware Road, Bakers Street, Great Portland Street, Euston Square, King's Cross St. Pancras, Farringdon, Barbican, Moorgate, Liverpool Street, Aldgate, Tower Hill, Monument, Cannon Street, Mansion House, Temple Embankment, Westminster, St. James's Park, Victoria, Sloane Square..."

 

[LE Greys]

You really want to try the impossible:

"This is the midnight Parliamentary train to York, calling at Finsbury Park, Harringay, Hornsey, Wood Green, New Southgate, Oakleigh Park, New Barnet, Hadley Wood, Potter's Bar, Brookman's Park, Welham Green, Hatfield, Welwyn Garden City, Welwyn North, Knebworth, Stevenage, Hitchin, Arlesey, Three Counties, Biggleswade, Sandy, Tempsford, St Neots, Offord & Buckden, Huntingdon, Abbot's Ripton, Holme, Yaxley, Peterborough, Tallington, Essendine, Little Bytham, Corby Glen, Great Ponton, Grantham, Barkston, Hougham, Claypole, Newark Northgate, Carfiton-on-Trent, Crow Park, Dukeries Junction, Tuxford, Retford, Sutton, Ranskill, Scrooby, Bawtry, Rossington, Doncaster, Arksey, Moss, Baine, Heck, Temple Hirst, Selby, Riccall, Escrick, Naburn and York. Our arrival time will be sometime tomorrow, depending on how many empty coal trains overtake us.

 

[Aictos]

I doubt that FCC? would use a route like that though (Victoria - Redhill - Tonbridge - Hastings - Brighton - Three Bridges - Horsham - Littlehampton - Portsmouth - Eastleigh - Bournemouth!), although I bet that lot would be hard to remember, although I've noticed that South Eastern Conductors have cards with the routes on and stops, is this the same for you?

Not really, what I do have to assist me is the station working book which gives me the headcode, where it came from, what time it left it's station of origin, what platform it's using, the calling pattern plus timings and any notes!
Considering the main workings I have to do is Hertford to Moorgate/Kings Cross or Hertford to Letchworth/Stevenage, I don't really need to worry about other places although I am tempted to advise passengers of connections at Finsbury Park, Highbury and Islington, Old Street and Moorgate...

Still I must be getting better as I was told I speak posh while doing announcements as they're so clear to understand vs speaking face to face with my inherited Lancashire accent.

 

[SteamontheMet]

The next train to arrive at platform 3 will be the 07:56 Service to XXXX, this train is expected to arrive in 12 SECONDS!!!:-?

(Heard that for real at West Ealing)

 

[Zoe]

The train now at platform 4 is the 10:00 service to London Paddington calling at St Erth, Hayle, Camborne, Redruth, Truro, St Austell, Par, Lostwithiel, Bodmin Parkway, Liskeard, Menheniot, St Germans, Saltash, St Budeaix Ferry Road, Keyham, Dockyard, Devonport, Plymouth, Ivybridge, Totnes, Newton Abbot, Teignmouth, Dawlish, Dawlish Warren, Starcross, Exeter St Thomas, Exeter St Davids, Tiverton Parkway, Taunton, Bridgwater, Highbridge & Burnham, Weston-super-Mare, Weston Milton, Worle, Yatton, Nailsea & Backwell, Parson Street, Bedminster, Bristol Temple Meads, Keynsham, Oldfield Park, Bath Spa, Chippenham, Swindon, Didcot Parkway, Cholsey, Goring & Streatley, Pangbourne, Tilehurst, Reading, Twyford, Maidenhead, Taplow, Burnham, Slough, Langley, Iver, West Drayton, Hayes & Harlington, Southall, Hanwell, West Ealing, Ealing Broadway, Acton Main Line and London Paddington.

 

[Aictos]

Thank you for travelling with First Capital Connect.
This station operates a PF scheme, please ensure you have your ticket with you before boarding.
Please ensure you have your tickets ready for the automatic barrier.
Stand clear of the doors and do not try to board when the hustle alarm is sounding.

All announcements which I've yet to heard at FCC stations...

The DfT would like to announce the winner of the InterCity East Coast franchise as DB Rail, the winner of the InterCity West Coast as Virgin and finally First as the winner of the Greater Anglia franchise!

 

[ert47]

"The next train departing from Platform 13 is the XXXX Gatwick Express service calling at Gatwick Airport only. Customers for Battersea Park, Clapham Junction, Wandsworth Common, Balham, Streatham Common, Norbury, Thornton Heath, Selhurst, East Croydon, South Croydon, Purley Oaks, Purley, Coulsdon South, Merstham, Redhill, Earlswood, Salfords and Horley are advised to get a different train."

 

[christopher]

Platform 1 for the 08:32 First Great Eastern service to Upminster Calling at, Emerson Park and Upminster.

Hope I can hear that again soon though

 

[Sherlock37]

"Fancy a cabride, lad?"

 

[deltic1989]

actually heard on an EMT Meridian "We apologlies for the late running of this service but we had to stop for the driver to have a pee"

 

[Broken Viking]

Here's another few...

• Platform 14 for the Intercity APT service to Glasgow Central. Calling at: Watford Junction, Crewe, Carlisle, and Glasgow Central.
  A buffet service is available in both parts of this train. This train is in two sections; Passengers please take care to ensure that you board in the correct section of this train.
  .
• Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Guard speaking. I'd like to welcome you on board this 13:00 hours Intercity APT service to Glasgow Central. We will be calling at Watford Junction, Crewe, Carlisle, and Glasgow. Our scheduled arrival time into Glasgow today will be approximately 13:45...
  .
• Platform 19 for the Motorail service to Fort William. Would the drivers of vehicles being carried on this service please prepare your vehicle for loading...

Ahhh...The olden days were the better days, wern't they?

 

[NLC1072]

ladies and gentleman, Due to the late arrival of on-train staff, today we will be leaving without them!

That has happened to me though....
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

No this was at Ascot, the driver rang control who rang Ascot station, and they made a PA announcement over the whole station "for the attention of the guard on platform 3, could you please let your driver out of the toilet; he is stuck" (or something like that


It was a cross country HST that had already been diverted off its booked path and the signaller assumed that the train describer for "next train" was playing up and had put a "1" in front instead of a "6" which was expected, this was back in the early 90s if memory serves.

A Stansted Airport train went on down the line to Cambridge, only to have to be reversed back! ... That was a pain

 

[Broken Viking]

A Stansted Airport train went on down the line to Cambridge, only to have to be reversed back! ... That was a pain

Well...Thank the Gods I wasn't using that particular service to connect with a Ryanair flight! hock:

Seriously though - Considering that exact point - What kind of compensation would passengers be due from the TOC in such an event? Ryanair wouldn't re-book those passengers affected onto subsequent flights without charging them very hefty fees for doing so (I'm talking £150,- a head or more!) and if I was caught in that kind of scenario, I'd be approaching the TOC for immediate payment of the cost of taking the next available flight, plus a complete refund for the cost of the flight that their error had caused me to miss! hock:

 

[imagination]

.[*]Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Guard speaking. I'd like to welcome you on board this 13:00 hours Intercity APT service to Glasgow Central. We will be calling at Watford Junction, Crewe, Carlisle, and Glasgow. Our scheduled arrival time into Glasgow today will be approximately 13:45...

Is that train taking 45 minutes from London to Glasgow with 3 stops en-route?

 

[Wyvern]

I knew the APT was good but not that good I dont think

 

[ainsworth74]

Well with Death at the controls, 45mins to Glasgow with an APT could probably be considered slow if anything