Things you wouldn't hear on the railways today....

[NightatLaira]

I don't know how successful this quiz/joke thread will be but I'll start it off with a few...

"A buffet counter service is located between standard and first class selling a wide variety of hot and cold sandwiches, soft drinks, coffee, tea, mineral waters, alcoholic drinks, freshly prepared cocktails, sushi, local hand pulled ales, and a selection of at least 50 wines, newspapers, magazines, books, CDs, DVDs, computer games, mobile phone chargers, pay as you go top up cards, birthday cards, stamps, stationery, bathroom essentials and travel accessories..."

"Welcome aboard this limited stop Flying Scotsman service to Edinburgh, first stop - Newcastle!"

"Welcome aboard this refurbished 142, now with free WiFi!"

"Our on board restaurant facility is located in coach L and I can confirm to you that we will be offering this throughout the total duration of this Highland Chieftain service from Kings Cross to Inverness. You can sit down whenever you wish, stay till whenever you like, order whatever you want because we ample stock of everything - and for our standard class customers we are offering a complimentary glass of champagne as a welcoming gesture. And for our first class customers - the meal as well will also be free!"

 

[generalvegitable]

me: I say, Porter
porter: and I say potato
me: I say, you there
porter: and I say potato
me: Porter
porter: Potato
both (singing): lets call the whole thing off
(joke borrowed from I'm sorry I'll read that again)

"the train now standing at platforms 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 has come in sideways"

 

[90019]

The train now on platform 7 has crashed into the station, please do not board this service.

 

[christopher]

This train will be held here briefly as we are currently 2 minutes early :P

Come and join me in the Guards coach for a nice game of Monopoly and a bottle of Scotch

 

[ainsworth74]

"Northern Rail are pleased to announce an end to chronic overcrowding on most of our peak time services thanks to the acquisition of several hundred new units of rolling stock."

 

[MCR247]

'Thank you for travelling CrossCountry. Once again we are now arriving at our final destination, x on-time'

 

[christopher]

'This is coach 12 of 52'

 

[DaveNewcastle]

"Tickets, please. All Tickets, please
. . . .
Oh, don't worry about that madam, I can sell you one. That'll be six pence please."

"And let me put that on the parcel shelf for you, it looks very heavy."

"you might be better off if you let me close the window just a little way for you, we don't want you getting soot and cinders on those nice clean clothes, do we Madam?"

 

[rail-britain]

I made this announcement on the 06:55 Aberdeen - Kings Cross (yet another service long since gone)
"Good morning everyone, this may be the 06:55 service to London Kings Cross
Sadly the fire alarm in one of the locomotives is faulty and this is likely to delay our departure, but it will definitely delay us along the way
The restaurant may open before we leave Aberdeen"

 

[generalvegitable]

The next train to arrive at platform X is the XX.XX service to X calling at X, this train is running on time.

 

[455driver]

We are sorry for the late departure of your service, this is due to the driver being locked in the toilet.

Oh sorry I have heard that one, and he hasn't used the universal toilet on a desiro since

 

[imagination]

"A trolley containing snacks and light refreshments will shortly be passing down the train. As we are feeling nice today we will cut the price to a mere 10 times the cost you could have bought the stuff for in the shop before you left, you lazy sods."

 

[9K43]

When Rooky the foreman at HM shouting you out to;
' Get off home.'
when you had 4 hours in.

 

[First class]

"Due to defective brakes, the next train does not stop here. Passengers intending to travel on this service should board the train by running down the platform".

 

[christopher]

"Why not try our open top trains, Umbrellas not provided"

"Platform 2 for the 10:12 Service to wherever the driver wants"

Passenger: "How long will the next train be?"
Staton Staff: "Bout 120 meters"

 

[generalvegitable]

on the London underground:
"this station is read the f*cking sign, this train terminates at who the f*ck cares"

 

[christopher]

Speaking of LU;

"Mind the gap, Oh sod it, Fall in it for all I care" :P

 

[mumrar]

Classes 14, 17, 20, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 33, 35, 40, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47 50, 52, 55, 56, 58, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 87 are all loco 'things you wouldn't hear on the railway today' - assuming that by the phrase 'on the railway' we're not talking preserved lines. And yes, I know a few do charters, but I'm talking day to day like they used to be.

 

[NightatLaira]

"Due to persistent passenger complaints the Executive of Cross Country trains have decided to scrap the Voyager fleet they have inherited from Virgin Cross Country and cascade these to Northern. The Voyagers will be replaced with refurbished rakes of mk3 stock hauled by locos. These trains have been refreshed and have free WiFi thoughout and conform to all the latest DDA reguations and I can also confirm that a full restaurant and buffet counter service will also be available."


Please one day!!!

 

[generalvegitable]

"This is Euston, the train now standing at platform X is the XX.XX virgin trains service to Manchester, For Glasgow, passengers will have to change at Crewe because the seats are extremely dirty."

"the nest train to arrive at platform 1 is the XX.XX London Midland service to Birmingham calling at X. this train is currently running on time"

 

[LE Greys]

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the slow running, this is due to poor coal." (from the footplate)

"Our locomotive has failed. We have found you a new one [from the nearest ballast train] and it should take the train onwards in a few minutes."

"Platform 11 for the 11:00 South Western service to Padstow, Bude, Ilfracombe Torrington, Plymouth, Exmouth, Sidmouth and Seaton. The train will divide seven times en-route, please make sure you are in the correct portion." (At Waterloo, before the ACE departed)

"Will passengers travelling in the last coach please return to their seats as the coach will be slipped in five minutes." (Just before Reading on a Paddington express)

And a real one from Milton Keynes.
"The f****** train's broken down!"

 

[christopher]

"We apologise for the delay to your 10:15 service to London Fenchurch Street this is because of a train with a puncture"

 

[4SRKT]

You probably wouldn't hear of two thirteen year olds driving 08064 up and down a siding at York Yard North as and friend and I did.

Those were the days!

 

[Aictos]

We are currently running a good service today and I would like to thank you for travelling with us today.

I am sorry to announce that the XXXX is running XX minutes late, this is due to waiting inbound traincrew currently on a rail replacement bus service which is currently lost, Please listen for further announcements.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please be aware that a new timetable comes into affect from Sunday, please pick up a timetable from all manned stations or speak to your conductor - used on 365s.

I am sorry for the problems today with the CIS screens, this is due to gremlins yet again with the ancient CIS system!

I am sorry that there are no trains today, this is due to the copper fairies being busy last night nicking the signalling cabling please be aware that alternatives are available.

 

[Wyvern]

Fog signals (detonators)

 

[mumrar]

Fog signals (detonators)

Whilst not as common use these days with modern signalling, they are still a feature of the railway as the rule book requires them in every cab. They do still get exploded, mainly because no-one can be bothered to remove them from the track when asked to after carrying out protection.

 

[Wyvern]

Protection or in fog?

 

[Donny Dave]

We are sorry for the late departure of your service, this is due to the driver being locked in the toilet.

Oh sorry I have heard that one, and he hasn't used the universal toilet on a desiro since

Is that the incident from Leeds about 3 years back? Or something that happened at Liverpool Street?

 

[Shrub Hill]

ladies and gentleman, Due to the late arrival of on-train staff, today we will be leaving without them!

 

[LE Greys]

"We're lost!"

Apparently, a passenger train got diverted into Ferrybridge power station because of incorrectly-set signals.