UK Euphemisms

[SuspectUsual]

My "favourite" seen on many websites:

We value your privacy = We will sell as much of your personal information that we can find.

we value your privacy = we couldn’t find anyone prepared to pay for your personal information

 

[Cowley]

A few ones people use self descriptively, broadly true IME:

Life and soul of the party = loud and annoying
I like to work hard and play hard = I have a drug habit
I'm ambitious and driven = I'll brown nose to bosses, take credit for other people's work and won't hesitate to stab the rest of my colleagues in the back if there's the slightest chance of a promotion

Brilliant and very true.

 

[3270]

It’s fine, don’t worry about it = It could not possibly get any worse, I will never, ever forget this.
Perfect = Well that’s that ruined then.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter = Nothing has ever mattered more than this.
I might join you later = I’m not leaving the house today unless it’s on fire.
Sorry, I think you might have dropped something = You have definitely just dropped that item.
It could be worse = No it couldn't.
I’m just popping out for lunch, does anyone want anything? = I’m getting my own lunch now, not yours. Please remain silent.
No, no, honestly, it was my fault = It was definitely your fault and we both know it.
Whenever you get a minute = Now.
No harm done = You have caused complete and utter chaos.
Our staff are our greatest assets = But don't expect a pay rise.
New comfortable seats = We found some slabs of granite and covered them with cloth.

 

[nr758123]

When you are on the phone to a call centre, and waiting for your call to be answered:-

Your call is important to us : Your call is not important to us

Did you know you can find the answer to your query on our website? : F**k off, we're very busy and too tight fisted to employ enough staff to answer your call in a timely manner.

If you leave your phone number we will call you back : We couldn't give a s**t about your call and will not call you back , but this enables us to reduce the number of people in the queue and improve our statistics

We are experiencing high call volumes : We are no busier than at any other time but we'd rather you spent 25 minutes listening to c**p music in a queue to speak to an operator than spend the money employing enough people to provide a prompt and efficient service.

 

[Bevan Price]

We won't increase taxes before the next election = We won't increase income tax, but VAT and your council taxes will probably increase.
You never had it so good (PM Harold Macmillan) = Don't vote Labour.
The (BBC TV) Red Button service will cease because we need to save money = No, we won't reduce the very high salaries of our senior management ?

 

[krus_aragon]

we value your privacy = we couldn’t find anyone prepared to pay for your personal information

I prefer:
We value your privacy = we know exactly how much we can sell it for!

 

[PG]

Away with the fairies / Head in the clouds = Has daft ideas

 

[PG]

Unexpected item in the bagging area = You nudged your bag ever so slightly and when the assistant eventually comes to reset the till they'll look at you like you're hopeless

 

[Calthrop]

Unexpected item in the bagging area = You nudged your bag ever so slightly and when the assistant eventually comes to reset the till they'll look at you like you're hopeless

One of the reasons why I refuse to use these damned newfangled self-checkout devices...

 

[duncanp]

Whenever there is a major IT failure at a bank/energy company/local council...etc.

We are working with our suppliers to determine the cause of the problem and the best way of resolving it :- We are arguing with our suppliers about who is to blame for this fiasco, and who is going to have to pay to fix it.

 

[PG]

Lessons have been learned to prevent a recurrence = nothing's likely to change

 

[duncanp]

Relating to the weather forecast:-

It will be dry and sunny today = There might a break in the cloud for five minutes if you're lucky.

Scattered showers = A torrential downpour

Wintry showers = A blizzard

There might be some damage to buildings = If you didn't remember to renew your buildings insurance, you're stuffed

There might be some transport disruption = A few flakes of snow or a drop of rain and the roads and railways grind to a halt

Don't worry, there isn't going to be a hurricane (Michael Fish 1987) = We all know what happened there

 

[DarloRich]

Wind your neck in - to tell someone to not concern themselves with issues that don't directly affect them

Discussing Ugandan affairs - From Private Eye. Often used as a euphemism for sex/infidelity, usually while carrying out a supposedly official duty.

Spend a penny - use the toilet. The phrase goes back to Victorian public toilets, which required users to insert a single penny in order to operate the lock.

Pear-shaped - A situation which has quickly evolved into an accident waiting to happen might be described as "gone pear-shaped."

Full Monty - pursuing something to the absolute limits. "The full Monty" historically refers to an old tailor called Sir Montague Burton. Going "the fully Monty" meant purchasing a full three-piece suit, a shirt, and all of the trimmings.

Dog's dinner - a mess or fiasco

Curtain twitcher - Nosey neighbour

 

[DarloRich]

Wintry showers = A blizzard

In the south eats this means completely lose your shizzle, dress like Scott of the Antarctic and run around like a man thing panic buying milk and bread before the entire economy and nation grinds to a halt.

In the north it means: put a jumper on lad.

 

[duncanp]

In the south eats this means completely lose your shizzle, dress like Scott of the Antarctic and run around like a man thing panic buying milk and bread before the entire economy and nation grinds to a halt.

In the north it means: put a jumper on lad.

Yes I remember an artificial ski slope somewhere in Kent being closed once due to the fact that there was too much snow

Reminds me of the time when a female news presenter was commenting on the fact that a male weather forecast had overestimated the amount of snow that was going to fall. She said:-

What happened to that six inches you promised me last night, it was only two inches and I was really disappointed?

Cue collapsing into hysterics when she realised what she had said.

 

[AM9]

A full and frank exchange of views - an absolutely massive nose-to-nose argument that stopped just short of punches being thrown.

I remember that as "A frank and earnest exchange of views".

... Leg it - Run away ( as in: Christ its the rozzers, lets leg it) ...

Then there's Winging it which is performing something without adequate preparation.

"Confirmed bachelor" = hypocritical Daily-Mail speak for homosexual ...

Then there's the female equivalent that I first heard from some Australians: ladies (or women) in comfortable shoes.

 

[DarloRich]

I remember that as "A frank and earnest exchange of views".

That means there was an argument followed by a punch up in the car park!

 

[Calthrop]

Full Monty - pursuing something to the absolute limits. "The full Monty" historically refers to an old tailor called Sir Montague Burton. Going "the fully Monty" meant purchasing a full three-piece suit, a shirt, and all of the trimmings.

Thanks ! -- I always wondered where that one came from. So, nothing to do with the victor of El Alamein !

Curtain twitcher - Nosey neighbour

I gather that the American version of this is, [a] Gladys Kravitz. Presumably after a -- real or fictitious -- old-time inveterate busybody of that name.

 

[Bevan Price]

Now obsolete:
See the headmaster in the morning = Go and receive a very sore bottom from his cane.

 

[Bobdogs]

A sandwich short of a picnic.
He hasn't got both paddles in the water.
One can short of a six pack.

 

[duncanp]

The sad passing today of Derek Fowlds, who played Bernard Woolley in Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister, brings to mind a few gems:-

This matter is under consideration = We have lost the file

This matter is under active consideration = We have lost the file but are trying to find it

A controversial decision, minister = That will cost you votes

A courageous decision, minister = That will cost you the election

Have you considered all of the implications? = That is a bad idea

 

[Cowley]

The sad passing today of Derek Fowlds, who played Bernard Woolley in Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister, brings to mind a few gems:-

This matter is under consideration = We have lost the file

This matter is under active consideration = We have lost the file but are trying to find it

A controversial decision, minister = That will cost you votes

A courageous decision, minister = That will cost you the election

Have you considered all of the implications? = That is a bad idea

He was the master of it.

 

[Marton]

Of course there was also the original House of Cards

I couldn’t possibly comment

You are absolutely correct.

 

[Bletchleyite]

Wind your neck in - to tell someone to not concern themselves with issues that don't directly affect them

I found that one to be comparatively recent and possibly of Antipodean origin? Might be wrong though.

Discussing Ugandan affairs

- From Private Eye. Often used as a euphemism for sex/infidelity, usually while carrying out a supposedly official duty.

Another Private Eye favourite:

Tired and emotional - very drunk.

 

[John Griffiths]

Getting off at Gateshead (and regional variations on the theme of leaving a bus/ train one stop before the terminus): coitus interruptus (and doesn't it look more acceptable in italics?!)

 

[Ashley Hill]

Some S&T ones to describe an idiot....He/she is:-
A gate short of a level crossing.
A lever short of a frame.
Not the shiniest lever in the frame.
Not the loudest bell on the shelf.

 

[Cowley]

My other half (Northern Irish) says - “Catch yourself on” whenever I’ve said something particularly crass...
So I do!

 

[PG]

Must have had a hard paper round = used to describe someone who looks a lot older than their actual age

 

[AM9]

Must have had a hard paper round = used to describe someone who looks a lot older than their actual age

I liked: 'a face that has worn out three bodies'.

 

[DaleCooper]

This is one that's probably not heard any more, more's the pity.

At the barbers: "Something for the weekend sir?"