Top Tips (Enter at Your Own Risk)

[4SRKT]

Dirty degenerate skip bashers remember that not being able to stick your head out of the window ruins the whole experience of travelling in the comfort of a MK3 on the Chilterns. Try staying at home and sticking your head out of the bathroom window whilst listening to sound recordings of trains, the neighbours will think nothing of it.

What about the clag? Eh?Eh?

 

[Chester025]

What about the clag? Eh?Eh?

You are in the bathroom after all, I'm sure a few fumes could be produced!

 

[4SRKT]

You are in the bathroom after all, I'm sure a few fumes could be produced!

Yes, but they're meant to be outside. I'm sure the neighbours will have something to say about that.

 

[OuterDistant]

TOCs. Permanently lose custom from cyclists and people with luggage by ordering new stock with no guard's van.

 

[317666]

Cambridge Students: If you go up to the ticket window and just say 'London', the ticket seller will know exactly what sort of ticket you want, off-peak/anytime, single/return, first/standard, Any Permitted/Greater Anglia only, railcard/no railcard, just with that one magic word.

 

[causton]

London travellers: The Oyster reader on the barriers has a magical secret mode that can 'touch in at the other station' for you when you forget! If they say this doesn't exist and try to sell you a new ticket/Penalty Fare you, just be persistent. Of course you don't need to actually touch in/out ever again!

 

[Ivo]

If caught by an RPI or other official with an invalid ticket (if that), don't forget those legendary four words: Me no English speak.

 

[Temple Meads]

Voyager passengers: you've probably noticed you very rarely get a seat, so to combat this, make sure you eat a vast quantity of curry the night before you travel, then, use the toilet in your chosen coach, the resulting stench that will permeate the carriage so much that passengers will leave their seats to escape it, then just casually sit down, and spray some air freshener around.

Alternatively, just timetable your journey to one of the HST diagrams fools!

 

[SS4]

Tube Passengers: When travelling on an escalator note that the entire left hand side has been left clear for you and your luggage because you're the most important person on the railway. Anyone shouting behind you is simply jealous of your importantness.

 

[Eng274]

Delayed commuters: if there is a problem with the overhead wires, it is the lessee and operator of the trains that is at fault, not the owner and maintainer of the wires themselves.

 

[W-on-Sea]

Groups of students in Oxford for the summer to learn English as a foreign language!: it is customary and much appreciated if you could stand around for extended periods of time in large groups immediately in front of the ticket barriers at the railway station, and if there are sufficient numbers of you, generally blocking as many public accessways as possible. This will make you feel more at home, and more valued by locals, than if you waited unobtrusively along the edge of the building or anywhere that didn't cause any disruption. Regular passengers at the station, especially those who use CrossCountry Trains, know that their trains will be late in any case and are happy to accept that it will take a couple of minutes longer than it ought to reach the platform.

 

[Ivo]

If you want to guarantee a bay of four or six (and ideally a table) for yourself and a group of friends, sit down in a space that has only one seat available and talk trains as though your lives depended on it - the more in depth the material, the better. Other people will be scared and/or fed up and will thus vacate the remainder of the table/bay for your group, and the table/bay will be yours for the entire journey.

N.B.: This one certainly fits here, but genuinely works!

 

[4SRKT]

N.B.: This one certainly fits here, but genuinely works!

Hmmmm.

 

[Cruithne3753]

Two staples with one end cut off each make a great pair of dowsing rods for a pet hamster.

 

[Temple Meads]

N.B.: This one certainly fits here, but genuinely works!

Unless I happen to be sitting at said table, in which case I'll intrude on your conversation :P

 

[table38]

Two staples with one end cut off each make a great pair of dowsing rods for a pet hamster.

Then you could gaffa tape the hamster to the front of the train to detect flooding

 

[SS4]

Always cram onto the first train you see. The station staff are lying when they say the next train is immediately behind.

 

[gnolife]

Car drivers - The loud alarms and flashing lights at level crossings are indications that you should park your car there.

 

[Dennis]

No trolley service on the train? Simply pop down to Asda, get a trolley, fill it with drinks and sandwiches and then sit in the train vestibule with it.

 

[trentside]

No trolley service on the train? Simply pop down to Asda, get a trolley, fill it with drinks and sandwiches and then sit in the train vestibule with it.

I love this one

Also, remember that lovely space between the seats called the aisle is a space you can use to store your luggage/children/elderly relatives etc. It is not a space required to allow people to move through the train, emergency exits etc.

 

[NLC1072]

Cambridge Students: If you go up to the ticket window and just say 'London', the ticket seller will know exactly what sort of ticket you want, off-peak/anytime, single/return, first/standard, Any Permitted/Greater Anglia only, railcard/no railcard, just with that one magic word.

I just sell peak/peak return R1-6 travelcards when they ask for that...

 

[gnolife]

When a ticket says "Rte ANY PERMITTED", it may legitimately be used to travel between the two stations printed on the ticket in any manner you please, regardless of the distance between the two stations in question and the intended route.

Ooh - Manchester Airport to Heald Green via Shoeburyness sounds like a good idea then

 

[4SRKT]

Ooh - Manchester Airport to Heald Green via Shoeburyness sounds like a good idea then

As long as you go out via Crewe to avoid passing through Heald Green too soon........

 

[Stephen55a1960]

No trolley service on the train? Simply pop down to Asda, get a trolley, fill it with drinks and sandwiches and then sit in the train vestibule with it.

Presumably, you catch a train, to a destination with another ASDA so that the trolley can be returned?

 

[LE Greys]

If you're aboard an HST, the 'luggage van' is a myth, and you can't use the racks at the ends of coaches because someone else has already put their tiny bag there. Carry on trying to shove massive suitcases into the overhead racks, it's perfectly safe and won't give you a hernia, honest. Oh, and putting stuff in the middle of vestibules is perfectly OK. It's not as though there's anyone not going to London when you're in Scotland, and the sliding door being open doesn't bother anyone, not that it's caused by your case being on the pressure pad anyway.

 

[swj99]

Avoid paying train fares by simply running across the tracks and leaving the station by another exit if challenged by revenue protection inspectors.
Mr T Smith
Brighton


A Speak and Spell connected to a miniature printer makes an ideal mobile ticket machine for escaped lunatics pretending to be a train guard, prior to being captured and put back in Broadmoor.

Avoid serious injury by always crossing railway tracks via the foot bridge so you don’t get hit by the 13.24 Southern Service to Chichester.
Mr T Smith
C/O St Richards Hospital
Chichester
Sussex

 

[Harbon 1]

If you're aboard an HST, the 'luggage van' is a myth, and you can't use the racks at the ends of coaches because someone else has already put their tiny bag there. Carry on trying to shove massive suitcases into the overhead racks, it's perfectly safe and won't give you a hernia, honest. Oh, and putting stuff in the middle of vestibules is perfectly OK. It's not as though there's anyone not going to London when you're in Scotland, and the sliding door being open doesn't bother anyone, not that it's caused by your case being on the pressure pad anyway.

We're you on the same train I was?

Chavs (particularly girls): we're all ok with being able to hear your phone conversations and the man that heckled "Did you enjoy your conversation, love" thoroughly enjoyed hearing who was doing who...

 

[Clip]

Oyster users: Dont worry if the red light constantly comes up when you try and touch in/Out due to you having no credit, trying a few more times will obviously make the barriers magically open.

CIP staff: Why not just carry on talking to your colleague when there are a few tourists standing there trying to catch your eye to ask a question, this way your tea break will come quicker and save you the inconvenience of doing your job.

 

[IanXC]

As long as you go out via Crewe to avoid passing through Heald Green too soon........

Yep so long as you don't double back you can travel by any route you like.

 

[Ivo]

No matter what the situation and the power supply, type and contact method in question, live wires and rails are only charged when powered trains are in the vicinity. Thus, it is almost always perfectly safe to jump and grab the overhead cables in the Willenhall area, as there is only one train in service each day.

Ooh - Manchester Airport to Heald Green via Shoeburyness sounds like a good idea then

Yep so long as you don't double back you can travel by any route you like.

Sorry gnolife - you'll have to curtail your trip at Southend Central/Victoria