Strange/Amusing Quotations

[Whistler40145]

Have you heard any strange or amusing quotations or any you've made yourself?

I'll start with 'I'm off up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire'.

Right, whose going to start?

 

[Peter Mugridge]

It is a capital mistake to allow any mechanical object to realise you are in a hurry.





Can't remember who came up with it, though!

 

[pne]

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

 

[GrimsbyPacer]

Gordon Brown before the independence vote on the No side.
"The Yes camp are using the Scottish flag, but it's not their flag.. it's our flag!"
I assume it is their flag aswell.

 

[EM2]

'Life. Loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.'
(c) Douglas Adams

 

[Xenophon PCDGS]

My favourite quotation is the one that is coloured funereal purple in my forum signature.....(The one underneath it is my scathing response to the Tapatalk one)

 

[Whistler40145]

I find that quite amusing Paul.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
Here's a great quotation.

'Make the most of life, you're dead for an awfully long time!'.

Can't remember where I heard it.

 

[GrimsbyPacer]

"Things are only impossible until they're not"
Captain Jean-luc Picard.

 

[deltic1989]

Where to begin, I have heard so many amusing quotes over the years....I have even started collecting them to use as amusing forum sigs, and Facebook status updates.

"2 things are infinate, the universe and human stupidity....And we are not really sure about the universe" - Albert Einstein

"Always remember that you are unique......Just like everybody else" - Margaret Mead

"Don't take life too seriously...No one gets out alive" - Elbert Hubbard

"No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar" - Abraham Lincoln

"People say that you shouldn't criticise someone until you walk a mile in their shoes, I agree, that way when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes" - Billy Connolly

"I reject your reality and substitute my own" - Adam Savage

" Gentlemen, when the enemy is committed to a mistake, we must not interrupt him too soon" - Horatio Nelson

 

[90019]

There must be something very strange in a man who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on.




There's usually a quote in my signature, with the current one being from series five of the humourous wireless show, The Burkiss Way.

 

[Strathclyder]

'Electricity is really just organized lightning' - George Carlin

 

[Drogba11CFC]

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."

Last words of General John Sedgwick, battle of Spotsylvania Court House

 

[Flamingo]

Lots of Terry Pratchett, way too many to list.

I heard one the other day that amused me -
"He needs shooting with a blunderbuss filled with his own ****".

 

[Peter Mugridge]

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."

Last words of General John Sedgwick, battle of Spotsylvania Court House

I was always under the impression that this particular quote ended:

"dist..."

and not with the full word?

 

[AM9]

Never get into a stupid argument with an idiot, ... he'll beat you on experience!

 

[WessexEclectic]

From what I can remember, "Deadlines - I like the sound they make as they whoosh by." Douglas Adams.

Hearing two people having a heated discussion as being in "violent agreement" with each other...

 

[Flamingo]

Hearing two people having a heated discussion as being in "violent agreemeht" with each other...

That sounds like here...

 

[bishdunster]

ISTR a quote from a rail accident report many years ago, where the inspecting officers report said "and the driver and signalman came to a clear misunderstanding" !

 

[trentside]

My signature, which came courtesy of our very own Flamingo!

 

[krus_aragon]

I'm rather fond of Amrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary for its pithy wit. Here's one favourite:
Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

My other half can be amusing when she's stuck for the right word to describe something. On one occasion, in describing the Conwy Tubular Bridge she referred to it as an "overhead tunnel".

On another occasion, when the phrase "jelly mould" escaped her completely, she resorted to "wobble dish"!

 

[Flamingo]

My signature, which came courtesy of our very own Flamingo!

Why thank you! It is derived from Machiavelli, "It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both."

 

[WessexEclectic]

That sounds like here...

I couldn't possibly comment...

 

[PeterY]

Herding people is like trying to herd cats.

 

[DaveNewcastle]

"The trouble with numbers is that they are far too precise" - [someone no longer with us].

 

[NLC1072]

A quote much passed around at work "if it aint broke, fix it 'till it is!"

 

[mbonwick]

Never get into a stupid argument with an idiot, ... he'll beat you on experience!

The version of that I've heard is
"Never argue with an idiot...first they drag you down to their level, and then they beat you with experience!"

 

[Bald Rick]

(With reference to a certain Midlands based football team)...

"you draw some you lose some" Carrott, J.



"Well yes I would like some frozen cream based confection. But NO SPRINKLES! For every sprinkle I find, I SHALL KILL YOU!" Griffin, S.

"If gaffer tape won't fix it, you're not using enough gaffer tape"

"A problem shared is a problem doubled" Rick, B.

 

[GrimsbyPacer]

"If there's nothing wrong with me... maybe there's something wrong with the universe" - Dr. Crusher

"A banker is a person who lends you his umbrella when it's sunny and asks for it back when it starts to rain" - can't remrmber

 

[DarloRich]

Remember that you are an Englishman, and have consequently won first prize in the lottery of life.

Cecil Rhodes

 

[deltic1989]

"I'm not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens" - Spike Milligan

"Once you eliminate the the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth" - Sherlock Holmes

"Alarm Clocks: Because every morning should begin with a heart attack" - Unknown

"Always borrow money from a pessimist......He won't expect it back" - Oscar Wilde

"My Mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a b***h" - Jack Nicholson

"A Diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip" - Caskie Stinnit

"I dream of a better tomorrow! Where Chickens can crass the road, and not be questioned about their motives." - Unknown

"A bank is a place that will lend you money. If you can prove you don't need it" - Bob Hope

"The Evening News is where they begin with "Good evening", and the proceed to tell you why it isn't" - Unknown