I once posted this on another forum I use:
Don't bother checking the timetable. Trains run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every ten minutes to whatever station you might want to go to.
Don't worry about the terms and conditions of your ticket. There's nothing I like more than tangling with the intricacies of ticketing. Fourteen times in an eight-hour shift...
You know all those signs that show you the way to places and electronic display boards that tell you what time the train goes, where it goes to and on what platform? Ignore them, they're only there for decoration. Just ask me! And if you've just listened to me answer a question, why not ask me exactly the same question five seconds later?! And then ask again, just to make sure. And then repeat my answer back to me in a questioning tone. And then say, 'Are you sure?'
And give me as little information as you can. I'm actually psychic, so when you ask 'Where do I get my train?' I know exactly which one you mean, out of the dozens of trains that run every day.
If you want to go to a particular station, don't ask me about trains to that station, ask about another one! For example, if you want to go to St. Albans, don't ask me when the next train to St. Albans is, ask me when the next Bedford train is.
Always listen to 'what your mate said' and NEVER check with the station. If your mate says there's a train from St Pancras to Bristol, well there must be! Despite the fact that there has never, ever, ever been one.
Don't bother checking at the weekend if your train might be affected by engineering work. There never is any work really, we just say that so we can muck about with the timetable.
Of course, I am responsible for the entire global transport network, so if your plane from Rome was two hours late, your train from Portsmouth was cancelled, there was a signal failure on the Underground or your taxi driver got lost on the way to the station, obviously that's all my fault. Sorry.
And it's also my fault that there are no taxis at 7.15 on a Sunday morning when you want one.
Related to that, I also know the depature times and fares to every single other station in the country, plus flight times from Heathrow, Luton, Stansted and Gatwick plus the ferries from Dover. Go on, test me.
If you do need to ask someone for information, don't bother asking someone who actually works for the railway. Why not ask a cleaner or, even better, a policeman!
Please do try and go against 150 years of railway practice and try to board a train without buying a ticket. Of course we'll make an exception just for you.
Also, we are privy to the travel plans of every single customer, so we are more than happy to hold the train while you pick up your bag from Left Luggage, go and get a coffee, a sandwich and a newspaper and wander up to the platform like you have all the time in the world.
When the sign says that barriers will close one minute before departure, that actually means 'but if you ask really nicely, we'll open the barriers just for you.'
If the train that you want to catch doesn't have a platform displayed, we do actualy know which platform it will go from, we just don't want to tell you.
When we have discussed all the possible combinations and permutations of your journey, please do ignore my answer and go and ask someone else.