Sociability, and the reverse

[Calthrop]

Prompted by a couple of posts in the ongoing in "General Discussion" thread, England's late 20th century good old days... ; a poster muses as to whether people were perhaps friendlier in the 50s and 60s: did people use to then, as a general rule, engage each other in a friendly fashion in the street; following -- his giving London Underground travel as a parallel example: "nowadays, if a person chats randomly to a person they don't know, on the next seat, it would be seen as a bit off; was this the case fifty years ago?"

I'll admit that I am an unsociable and somewhat misanthropic individual; but I don't see chance-met people randomly chatting to me, whom they don't know, as, relatively, "heaven"; and the reverse, as "hell". To be honest -- for me, it's the opposite way about -- when this happens to me, my first reaction is, "oh, Lord, this twerp is about to -- 'unsolicited' -- bend my ear at length about stuff of interest to him / her, but of none to me. This is something which I don't want; I'd wish twerp to leave me alone to think my own thoughts / read my book."

Just wonder how many participants consider my feelings on this matter, to be at least admissible; on the basis that "there are more, and less, sociable people -- what's appropriate is mutual tolerance, understanding, and the sociable not taking mild rebuffs, too greatly to heart". Some folk already have as many loved-and-cherished people in their lives, as they find they can handle: they can't subscribe to the Irish thing of "a stranger is a friend whom you haven't yet met". (Varied nations' standard traits of sociability / lack thereof, is likely "a different question".)

 

[Thirteen]

There is a time and a place to talk to people who don't know but I'm quite socially awkward and certain settings quite overbearing.

 

[dangie]

I can’t believe we have reached the stage where you daren’t speak to a stranger in case you might hurt their feelings. Of course where in the country you live probably makes a huge difference.

 

[Iskra]

My social energy is variable. Context is very important; on a morning commuter train, the norm is not to talk to strangers, but as the day progresses this relaxes. I find that the longer distance the train, the more talkative people tend to be and the more accepted conversation with strangers is. That said, I pretty much always carry my headphones as while I'm happy to engage with anyone briefly and I will entertain them for longer if they are genuinely interesting and it's a two-way conversation, but should I find myself just being talked at I've no problem 'shutting up shop' and switching off as sometimes I just need to relax. I guess a lot comes down to confidence in handling other people. I would also suggest that the more urban the area, the less conversational people are, although I think that's understandable.

Overall, I find people quite friendly and people tend to say hello/morning if I pass them up here or while out walking.

I'm not necessarily anti-social but I just find some people don't respect that I spend 5 days a week constantly talking to people (or being talked at) in my job, so sometimes a break from sociability is required. However, as I get older I am increasingly happy to point that out.

 

[Thirteen]

I don't get why it's seen as a bad thing to not talk to people. Some people are naturally outgoing, some are not.

 

[dangie]

I think the British have a problem with speaking with people they do not know. He opposite seems to be the he case in other countries, Germany for example. I’ve been on public transport buses in Germany where conversations are taking place between people sitting at opposite ends of the bus, with passengers sitting in between joining in. My German is pretty much limited to ordering the beers but it was clear that everyone were strangers to each other. I really wish we were like that.

 

[xotGD]

Rule of thumb:

Pass someone on a public right of way, say hello.
Pass someone on a pavement, don't say hello. (Except very early in the morning, where there is a degree of kinship between early risers.)

 

[PeterY]

There is a time and a place to talk to people who don't know but I'm quite socially awkward and certain settings quite overbearing.

I can also find talking to strangers quite awkward. I rarely initiate a conversation with someone I don't know but that's just the way I am.

 

[E27007]

I can’t believe we have reached the stage where you daren’t speak to a stranger in case you might hurt their feelings. Of course where in the country you live probably makes a huge difference.

We have reached that stage in London, and it is a key difference I have witnessed many times comparing London and Northern towns, for London it is "anti-social" to speak to strangers, eg at the bus-stop when passing useful information, such a having checked on the phone for the bus arrival time, , yet in the North, it is anti-social to ignore your fellow traveler.
I also note the aggressiveness of dogs in public places in London, dogs are not aggressive in the North, I think both situations illustrate the high stress levels experienced by humans and animals constrained to living in an over-crowded / over-populated environment which is London

 

[Bantamzen]

I can’t believe we have reached the stage where you daren’t speak to a stranger in case you might hurt their feelings. Of course where in the country you live probably makes a huge difference.

This one always has me in stitches, especially as I have a mate of the same name! Although to be fair he is more likely to say "alreet" than "hello"....

But were people friendlier in times past, as a 70s child all I can say is it felt like it. However I have lived practically all my life in Yorkshire, and folk up here are far more likely to acknowledge your or strike up conversation than in other places in my experience. But even here there does seem to be a difference between older generations and younger ones. When out walking it tends to be the former that are more likely to greet you than the latter, so perhaps it was friendlier in times gone by.

Rule of thumb:

Pass someone on a public right of way, say hello.
Pass someone on a pavement, don't say hello. (Except very early in the morning, where there is a degree of kinship between early risers.)

I don't think there needs to be a rule of thumb, just gauge the situation you are in. Quite often a friendly hello or benign conversation about the weather can make your & someone else's day just that little bit nicer.

Now I do understand that some people will find this uncomfortable, but conversely some people find silences equally uncomfortable, and some people are just used to being sociable. All we can do is to try and understand that everyone is different, and that there are no rules on who to talk to and who to leave alone. You just have to learn as an adult as much as possible to take each situation one at a time. This social skill becomes even more useful when abroad, because in many countries not acknowledging or conversing with someone else can be seen as actually quite rude. Whilst this might seem like a nightmare for some on the face of it, actually taking to strangers can lead to new experience, insights, and even new friendships. Again its not a rule to do so, but its maybe something to consider. The more people are nice to each other, the nicer society becomes.

 

[PeterC]

Where I live in the Home Counties striking up a conversation with other regular users waiting for the infrequent village buses is quite normal. Within the village and on country footpaths I would normally acknowledge strangers.

I do notice people more likely to start conversations in the North. When a young woman struck up a conversation with me in Whitby once I was rather cynically, but undeservedly, expecting it to be a prelude to an offer of a "good time".

 

[duncanp]

I do notice people more likely to start conversations in the North. When a young woman struck up a conversation with me in Whitby once I was rather cynically, but undeservedly, expecting it to be a prelude to an offer of a "good time".

...or as sometimes happens, a prelude to a hard luck story and a request for money.

 

[Peter0124]

I am also quite socially awkward, however I do find socialising with passengers on long distance trains in particular to be a lot better than on your typical commuter train.

 

[Thirteen]

The people I tend to avoid on the streets are beggars, chuggers and God Botherers.

 

[Calthrop]

I don't think there needs to be a rule of thumb, just gauge the situation you are in. Quite often a friendly hello or benign conversation about the weather can make your & someone else's day just that little bit nicer.

Now I do understand that some people will find this uncomfortable, but conversely some people find silences equally uncomfortable, and some people are just used to being sociable. All we can do is to try and understand that everyone is different, and that there are no rules on who to talk to and who to leave alone. You just have to learn as an adult as much as possible to take each situation one at a time. This social skill becomes even more useful when abroad, because in many countries not acknowledging or conversing with someone else can be seen as actually quite rude. Whilst this might seem like a nightmare for some on the face of it, actually taking to strangers can lead to new experience, insights, and even new friendships. Again its not a rule to do so, but its maybe something to consider. The more people are nice to each other, the nicer society becomes.

(My bolding) -- I could be contrary, and suggest that equally nice behaviour -- perhaps nicer -- can be, courteously ignoring folk with whom circumstances bring you briefly into proximity, but with whom you're not acquainted; preferable conceivably, to "unsolicited buttonholing and ear-bending". Perhaps I'm just an un-alterably unsociable cuss ...

 

[Bantamzen]

(My bolding) -- I could be contrary, and suggest that equally nice behaviour -- perhaps nicer -- can be, courteously ignoring folk with whom circumstances bring you briefly into proximity, but with whom you're not acquainted; preferable conceivably, to "unsolicited buttonholing and ear-bending". Perhaps I'm just an un-alterably unsociable cuss ...

If that were the case humanity would be in serious trouble because, well that's often how people meet and fall in love, form relationships and families by crossing that boundary and talking to strangers. Yes some people are far more uncomfortable with socialising than other, but its definitely better to talk to, or at least acknowledge the existence of others, even if it takes the form of a simple smile or quick greeting.

 

[Calthrop]

If that were the case humanity would be in serious trouble because, well that's often how people meet and fall in love, form relationships and families by crossing that boundary and talking to strangers.

One could be utterly perverse, and suggest that humanity is already in serious trouble, with the planet's being grossly over-populated; what's needed at all costs, is far fewer people falling in love and forming relationships and families ...

 

[al78]

One could be utterly perverse, and suggest that humanity is already in serious trouble, with the planet's being grossly over-populated; what's needed at all costs, is far fewer people falling in love and forming relationships and families ...

More accurate to say that the main problem with humanity is a small percentage of the population consuming the majority of the planet's resources and continually wanting more, which is unsustainable. Unsustainable practices cannot continue indefinitely, and history shows that if we wait until we are forced to change rather than changing voluntarily, the result is a great deal of suffering.

 

[Bantamzen]

One could be utterly perverse, and suggest that humanity is already in serious trouble, with the planet's being grossly over-populated; what's needed at all costs, is far fewer people falling in love and forming relationships and families ...

So you would deny the one thing that can bring true happiness to people?

Furthermore, being sociable is a function of human society. Take that away and society would quickly break down

 

[Calthrop]

My post a little way above, was tongue-in-cheek; hence the .

 

[E27007]

The effects of over-crowding of living space and inhibited social interaction within communities of Rats as a metaphor for humans was the subject of study in the 1950s and 60s.
It was known as "Behavioral; Sink", experiments with communities of Rats as they bred in an initially comfortable environment which became untenable as they bred to excess

Behavioral Sink experiment