Said / heard / been asked something stoopid?

[2Dogbox]

When I was doing tickets a while back I had the following conversation......

Passenger "If your doing this does the train drive itself. Will we crash?"
Me "I'm not the driver I'm the conductor"
Passenger "Is the driver in there as well then?" (points to back cab)
Me "No just me it's the rear of the train"
Passenger "Oh so your Not the Pilot?"
Me "Pilot?"
Passenger "Yes. . The pilot who steers the train"

 

[341o2]

I'll probably remember more, but here are three for starters.

Following the electrification of the Blackpool tramways

"If I step on this rail, will I be electrocuted?"
"No, unless you put your other foot on that wire up there at the same time"

Terence Cuneo - the artist, the Royal Albert Bridge across the Tamar, apologising for being non too clean - I've just been painting the bridge

"I hope you chose a nice colour"

Call to a booking office

"Can you tell me the fare to Burnley, I have to attend a funeral"
"Certainly, sir, when do you wish to travel?"
"I don't know, he hasn't died yet"

 

[deltic1989]

"Can you tell me the fare to Burnley, I have to attend a funeral"
"Certainly, sir, when do you wish to travel?"
"I don't know, he hasn't died yet"

hock:

On the SVR a few years ago an old man pointed to a water tower and asked the driver what it was for, the driver responded "why dont you pull the chain and find out". Should add that this was after he had watched the crew fill up a small prarie with it.

 

[PFX]

Surely the most common one people say when you get step off the footplate of a kettle, is "It must be hot in there eh?"

I'm far too mild-mannered to be sarcastic though so I just agree.

Another regular comment I hear when acting as shunter, changing points, coupling and uncoupling, as I clamber red-faced back onto the platform is "That looks like hard work."

As well I enjoy it...

 

[341o2]

I heard that a London Transport inspector was reported after being asked "What do I get for the Elephant? (...and Castle for anyone not familiar) and was told "Try buns"

Surely the one about "Is this a Barking bus?", "No, it only goes brmm brmm" must have come from a Christmas cracker

 

[ANorthernGuard]

The all time classic at Picc on the block end of the bays

Which way does the train go?

 

[PUFFINGBILLY]

One I have just remembered:

"If I stay on the train will it go back to where it started?"

 

[Tomonthetrain]

The all time classic at Picc on the block end of the bays

Which way does the train go?

"That way" *Points to Sky!*

 

[deltic1989]

"That way" *Points to Sky!*

Depends if you've lead a good life or not, it could go that way *points down*

 

[341o2]

One I have just remembered:

"If I stay on the train will it go back to where it started?"

That reminds me of the old one

"I'd like to purchase a return ticket"
"Where to?"
"Back here, of course!"

In Railway Adventure, Tom Rolt commented upon when connecting trains were shown on the Tallyllyn timetable, passengers expected to be carried to these destinations, and reacted as if the railway was offering services which it was unable to provide

The following incident took place near Woking.

EMU travelling at a good clip in the vicinity of Oatlands 'box, suddenly a flash and bang, unit comes to a standstill with all lights out.

While crew investigate, passengers grumble. One more voiciferous individual tries to get passengers to bail out and walk to the next station. Then there is the sound of a door opening, followed by unsteady feet on the ballast

"What do you think you are doing"
"I'm a passenger, and I'm going to walk to the next station"
"Well, I'm the guard, and I'm telling you to get back in that train before you get yourself killed!"

The reply was cut short, as with a blast on its horn, a semi fast to Alton sped past. This had a sobering effect, the passenger sheepishly climbed back on board. It did not take long to identify the defective unit, isolate it and get under way, rather than have the current switched off and cause major disruption while a few misguided passengers walked down the line

 

[richw]

When I was formerly working at McDonald's, it amazed me the number of people who ordered a "mcdonald's happy meal" no specifying which variety they wanted, just a McDonald's happy meal. O wasn't going to serve a burger king happy meal was i?

Sent from my HTC Sensation Z710e using Tapatalk

 

[djo]

A couple of things from Victoria...

For the last couple of years i've been commuting through London Victoria, often catching the GatEx home of an evening. Last year was approached by an American gent:
'excuse me, which way is this train going?'
'Gatwick' I reply,
'No, I mean this way or that way' he says pointing fore and aft...
'Well if the train goes that way' pointing aft ' we'll be going across the concourse and into the bus station..'
This is to a guy in the front coach of 5 who I followed along the full length of the train from the concourse not 2 minutes before....

A few years ago, when mk1s ruled the earth, my Dad and I were on our way up to town, bloke gets on near to us at Clapham Jcn. We were in a VEP, so of course plenty of doors... Anyhow, we get to Victoria and the platform is on the other side to where our 'neighbour' got on... Of course he tried to push back past us to get out where he got on, he got the door open, ignoring our shouts of 'this is the wrong side'. It took both of us to slam the door in his face and a friendly shove in the chest to prevent him meeting a pair of live rails.....

Djo

 

[jon91]

I was on a Blackpool North-York Northern service recently and as the doors were released at Leeds I was stood behind an individual who was rather franticly jabbing at the Door Close button and wondering why the doors weren't budging.

Apparently the arrows on the button showing >< and the fact that it said Close above it were completely missed by said person...

 

[LE Greys]

A couple of things from Victoria...

For the last couple of years i've been commuting through London Victoria, often catching the GatEx home of an evening. Last year was approached by an American gent:
'excuse me, which way is this train going?'
'Gatwick' I reply,
'No, I mean this way or that way' he says pointing fore and aft...
'Well if the train goes that way' pointing aft ' we'll be going across the concourse and into the bus station..'
This is to a guy in the front coach of 5 who I followed along the full length of the train from the concourse not 2 minutes before....

A few years ago, when mk1s ruled the earth, my Dad and I were on our way up to town, bloke gets on near to us at Clapham Jcn. We were in a VEP, so of course plenty of doors... Anyhow, we get to Victoria and the platform is on the other side to where our 'neighbour' got on... Of course he tried to push back past us to get out where he got on, he got the door open, ignoring our shouts of 'this is the wrong side'. It took both of us to slam the door in his face and a friendly shove in the chest to prevent him meeting a pair of live rails.....

Djo

I seem to remember a story about someone who got onto a slow-moving train at Clapham Junction, thinking he was slightly late, and was rather surprised to find out there was nobody else on board. He ended up in Wimbledon Depot!

 

[tempests1]

I seem to remember a story about someone who got onto a slow-moving train at Clapham Junction, thinking he was slightly late, and was rather surprised to find out there was nobody else on board. He ended up in Wimbledon Depot!

Used to happen about a couple of times a month at Farnham train terminates in the platform and punter gets carried into the old EMU Sheds they obviously ignored the numerous PA messages such as this the train terminates here all change all change! On arrival they usually says something like when this train going to Alton? They used to have to wait until another train was due out and get taken back to the station, or sometimes escorted by the shunter to the access gate and sent on their way having to walk for a considerable distance back to the station. :roll:

 

[BestWestern]

A classic I once heard,
Passenger, "Does this train call at Southampton?"
Staff, "yes!"
Passenger, "Does this train call at Woolston?"
Staff, "yes!"
Passenger, "Good! That does mean it stops at Sholing then?"
Staff, "No! It travels through there at about 40 M.P.H!"

Why do some people ask three questions, when one will do.

This is one of my main irritants! "Where is this train going?" is always met by the answer "Where are you trying to get to?", which saves the inevitable pointless further questions when I say "Cardiff" and they want to get from Southampton to Romsey and have no idea where Cardiff is.

But worse are those people above who don't actually ask for the destination they want, merely the place they think the train they want is going to end up. "Is this train going to X?". Yes, it is. "So it stops at Y then?". No, it doesn't :roll: As you say, why have an entire conversation when a simple question would do?!