Donny Dave
Established Member
The Pope vists East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see him. Bernard says "You may not know me, but I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe, and I need your help."
The Pope says "Speak my child; if I can guide you, I will".
Bernard says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. Frequency of turkey purchase will go up and I'll be sorted.
The pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it".
Bernard says "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years"
The pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..."
Bernard gets desparate and pleads. "Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by five million pounds a year, and so on each five years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do."
The pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace". The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves.
The next day the pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I've got us 20 million pounds a year..."
A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"
The pope replies, "We've lost the Hovis account."
The Pope says "Speak my child; if I can guide you, I will".
Bernard says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. Frequency of turkey purchase will go up and I'll be sorted.
The pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it".
Bernard says "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years"
The pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..."
Bernard gets desparate and pleads. "Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by five million pounds a year, and so on each five years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do."
The pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace". The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves.
The next day the pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I've got us 20 million pounds a year..."
A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"
The pope replies, "We've lost the Hovis account."
