My second health thread in seven hours! - only, this is worse...

[Ivo]

Hi again,

I'm starting to feel like I'm starting to slide towards the black hole that is depression again. The last few days I've been happy only when in bed and have often been miserable for no obvious reason. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything. On anyone. I've become super apolegetic again, which from my perspective is a trait of upcoming depression. I've been eating excessively and spending money - which I have almost none of - without any real control. And my body clock is well out of sync; last night I was still awake at 7am. And all this, in an echo of two to three months ago.

At the moment I know of such goings-on as a friend visiting Canada to see his girlfriend, another friend doing exactly the same thing for an extended period, another having recently done "the dirty" for the first time, my one male housemate bringing his girlfriend round, and more. And what do all of these have in common? Yes. A "she". Which I still lack and am increasingly believing that I forever will. I know that this won't do my chances any good, but it is driving me up the wall! And I don't want anyone to mention the MHC thread here, other than this one (controlled) instance, because that'll make things worse. I know people keep saying that "having a girlfriend isn't everything", but I feel so lonely! Almost every female friend I have is already with someone or too far away to be interested (even if the distance is fine by me). I know that people say it doesn't matter, but I really do feel like there's a hole in my life where a loving partner should be...

I don't know what to do. I still have half of my medication from before, but the first time it had no effect on my mood at all; all it achieved was some rather personal - and painful. (No more on that unless some twit asks for more information.) And I fear that I need to do something soon - otherwise, it won't just be my ear (from earlier) that is hurting. The Uni even told me that my case had been forwarded to the local mental health team - and yet, after two months, nothing!

What can I do? If anyone has any even remote answers, please, I would be most grateful! And if a certain someone from Sheffield looks at this thread, I am so sorry for this and for everything else of late :cry:

 

[90019]

You have a PM

 

[seagull]

Hey Ivo,

For what it's worth, and I know that whatever anyone says probably isn't going to help a great deal, but anyway, just in case it *does*:

If your profile is correct you are 22 (with a birthday in March - nice one, excellent choice!).

I got to the 'ripe old age' of 28 before I got my first ever girlfriend - and I'm not exaggerating in the slightest.

For some reason, perhaps my train interest, perhaps my looks, I don't know, but up until then no girl had ever shown the slightest interest in me - and it wasn't for lack of me trying, either. Yes, I'll admit, I have never been particularly fond of pubbing and clubbing, or drinking, which might be part of the reason - but then I reasoned that if I had to resort to that to 'pull' a girl then the type of girl I'd 'pull' would probably not be the right person for me.

As you can imagine, by the time I was 25, all of my friends had got married, some even divorced again(!), sleeping around like the human race was about to end, etc. etc. Meanwhile I was stuck, having to deal not only with a growing lonely feeling but also of digs from some about how I must be gay. I'm not at all homophobic but to be accused of something you're not is a bit difficult to deal with, especially when all I wanted was to find some decent girl to go out with.

Maybe what kept me free from depression was the fact that I have several much older male friends who have always been single, or long widowed/divorced, and this didn't seem to present a problem for them, in fact, they were free to live their lives without worries about other-halves spending money on credit cards/shopping/shoes/mail order catalogues/cosmetics. They were able to go on fantastic foreign holidays, no-one to answer to, no children to find babysitters for etc. So I started modifying my way of thinking so that I would get the best out of being single.

As soon as I'd really got to grips with being single and happy, and couldn't care less about finding a girl/wife - what should happen? I found a girl who became my wife - who also likes the same things, dislikes the same things, and doesn't like shopping! Brilliant!

I knew someone at Uni who was so desperate to get a girlfriend that he ended up in all sorts of trouble, with all sorts of wrong (for him) girls, and still depressed, and without any money! So my advice would be to make friends with other single people, even if they're a lot older, find out what makes them enjoy life, and do the same. Then, out of the blue, who knows what might happen! Easy for me to say, much harder to actually do.

Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck!

Seagull.

 

[ChrisCooper]

To be quite honest for some of the relationships I've had I'd happily give them all up and still be single. I've been cheated on, abused, bullied, all by partners or ex partners. Women can be a nasty bunch at times, especially the way they stick together whilst being great at turning men against each other (although it's nothing compared to whem women turn on each other). I'd almost say you are better of without them.

You might feel alone in not being in a relationship and not having had one, but you are far from alone in not being in a happy relationship. I'm 27 and out of all my friends of my sort of age I know 1 who is in a happy, long term relationship. The rest are either single and not that bothered, the sort who seem to sleep around lots but never get into anything section, or they are the sort (like me) who spend long periods single, short periods in relationship, then long periods recovering. I don't know a single person who got into a relationship in 2010 and is still in it, infact everytime I see on Facebook a "xxx is in a relationship" my first thought is "it won't last" and usually within a fairly short time it's "xxx is in a complicated relationship" then "xxx is single" followed by xxx posting lots of emo statuses about how miserable they and that they will never find love, and everyone else coming out with the usual cliches like "you've just not found the right person yet", "plenty more fish in the sea", and of cource other hopefuls or even exs lining up to try and get it/back in by providing a shoulder to cry on.

 

[Ivo]

Hi...

Sorry for sounding so miserable in the above post. I've felt it coming on for a few days now, but it didn't feel serious. It just sort of... hit hard. Instantly.

Anyway, having slept on it, and gone through Uni choices for next year with my tutor (probably taking Year 2 again because of all the trouble I had in the winter), and then gone on an attempted trip by bus to Newport [but I'm not doing Newport in a Stagecoach coach so I went to Wells, from Bristol, instead], and even bought a few 70%-off Easter Eggs from the Sainsbury's in Midsomer Norton, I do feel a bit better. And it's nice to know that people do care. But the definition of "people" feels very one-sided in favour of guys. Think of it this way; I live in a house of five. One of the other four is a guy, but he has a long-term girlfriend. Of the three girls, one has a long-term boyfriend, one couldn't care less about relationships and one is into girls. And between them all, I've met only one person... who predictably wasn't comfortable with the distances involved. Would have been a nice excuse to get 220mi every weekend...

Even my brother has had a girlfriend recently, and that is saying something.

Like seagull says, I am not into clubbing, or drinking, or anything like that. Given I won't touch alcohol (not one drop since I was 14), it would be safe to say that I am a lightweight - and if I tried, I don't know what I would do... force my hands inside 25 different girls' tops, and end up in prison? I don't want to even think about that...

So, yea. I'll leave it now. Usually travelling is what makes me feel better; what makes me happiest - but I've not had one decent run since West Wales...

You have a PM

Have acted upon the last sentence in said PM

 

[theblackwatch]

I think you should see your doctor about your depression too (maybe at the same time as about your dizziness?) who can refer you to the right people if necessary - far better to deal with a specialist in dealing with these things than those of us on here, none of whom I suspect are actually qualified in the subject.

It might also be worth looking at social or interest groups within uni - socialising doesn't have to involve drinking.

 

[4SRKT]

I'd agree with Chris Cooper to some extent as well. Most relationships end badly in my experience, or drag on and on ad infinitum for lack of any will to pull the plug/fear of the future or whatever. Sure, girls can be a lot of fun, but overall they can be a total nuisance, and many's the time I'd have agreed with the sentiment that I'd chuck it all up to be single. Maybe we're just programmed to prefer what we don't have. What's more, women don't tend to like railways, which may well be their loss, but can cause big problems for cranks!

I also suffer periodically with mild depression, as does my wife, so I can sympathise. Life's pretty tough for most people I've come to the conclusion, but depression is a bridge too far for me: you need to go to the doctor to try to get it sorted as it's totally rubbish otherwise (as you doubtless know). I also find travelling the best balm for a troubled mind; much better than heavy drinking, an activity I enthusiastically endorse most of the time, but steer well clear of when feeling down. Next week's mega-bash will be very well timed in this respect as I'm feeling totally scuzzed out at the moment through the wife's back problems and tons of nonsense at work.

Was the Carmarthen pacer/Abergavenny 57 not a decent run then?

 

[Ivo]

I'd agree with Chris Cooper to some extent as well. Most relationships end badly in my experience, or drag on and on ad infinitum for lack of any will to pull the plug/fear of the future or whatever. Sure, girls can be a lot of fun, but overall they can be a total nuisance, and many's the time I'd have agreed with the sentiment that I'd chuck it all up to be single. Maybe we're just programmed to prefer what we don't have. What's more, women don't tend to like railways, which may well be their loss, but can cause big problems for cranks!

I also suffer periodically with mild depression, as does my wife, so I can sympathise. Life's pretty tough for most people I've come to the conclusion, but depression is a bridge too far for me: you need to go to the doctor to try to get it sorted as it's totally rubbish otherwise (as you doubtless know). I also find travelling the best balm for a troubled mind; much better than heavy drinking, an activity I enthusiastically endorse most of the time, but steer well clear of when feeling down. Next week's mega-bash will be very well timed in this respect as I'm feeling totally scuzzed out at the moment through the wife's back problems and tons of nonsense at work.

It's just... I mentioned it to my GP before, and she - yes, she - gave me some sertraline, whose effect on my mood was at best zero. The only obvious effect it had was... well, I'd rather not say. If anyone is desperate to know, look carefully at the following "white space", or otherwise choose the Quote option or select it:
|It resulted in something that can change in size and texture being "up" almost 24/7. Which hurts.|

I showed no visible signs of improvement until, awkwardly (given how I criticised it so on the day), Valentine's Day. But why? Because a girl gave me a hug. That really was the reason. And then a lot of adventuring - and a certain kiss - saw me through for some time. But... it's like the positives have been gone now. As though everything I had that felt worthwhile has dissipated. And you know, I wouldn't even mind if I didn't have a girlfriend per se - but I've never even been on a date before...

Was the Carmarthen pacer/Abergavenny 57 not a decent run then?

Sorry; I forgot about that

 

[4SRKT]

I certainly wouldn't like to compare my own mild problems with depression with anyone's more serious issues, although of late the Black Dog has been peeing on my chips rather more than usual. The stress of the domestic situation with my wife's back and youngest son's ADHD is more than I usually have to deal with at any one time, and once the back thing is sorted I suppose things will start to improve. Although as we're now in our 40s things are likely to start going wrong more rather than less in the health department Most of the time however I'm cheerful enough (especially when cranking or planning a good crankfest) and able to count my (probably very considerable) blessings. I'm afraid I may have sounded a little glib in my previous post now I read it back to myself, and I'm sorry if that's the case.

Don't really know what to say. I'm no counsellor and that's for sure!

 

[ChrisCooper]

I have been through two bits of depression myself, the first being related to a bad breakup (although it came ontop of other things too, particularly with it being around the anniversary of loosing my mum) and the second started off due to being in a trying relationship around the anniversary of loosing my mum and the previous bad breakup and then got worse when that relationship also ended badly. I've only really just got over the second lot. Doesn't help that I suffer SAD too, which mostly doesn't cause me too much of a problem, but can either cause other problems to get worse, or be built onto by other problems.

Getting away from it all is good. I was starting to slip back into depresion again recently, mainly because my ex was still trying to cause me trouble (I'd found out that a mutual friend who I'd actually known longer didn't want anything to do with me due to lies she'd told), but a couple of days away did me so much good by getting my mind of it.

 

[Eng274]

Not to rank this at the same level as other real problems detailed in this thread, but to an extent I can understand Ivo's frustrations. I am the type of honest, moral, caring, dependable guy that women would rather save for the shoulder-to-cry-on nonsense when they do get treated like *****e, rather than get involved with on a higher level.

I wouldn't change myself to appeal to women more though, and neither should anybody. Some of the sob-stories my damp shoulder has dealt with include liars, cheats, manipulater, mindfcuks, and having seen what it does first hand I actually don't mind being the good guy.

I would advise you see the Doc again, and say you'd be happy to seek some sort of counselling ,or maybe a support group you can let off some steam with about your concerns.

regarding meeting women, without wanting to sound like those tripe-merchants such as dear Deirdre or whatever she's called, maybe take up a hobby or find an interest that would get you interacting with not just women but other people in general? from this more social gatherings may permeate and new relationships form. just an idea though, the world is your oyster and all that!

 

[Zamracene749]

I know this may sound patronising- but- please-
don't let depression overwhelm you.

Depression is a mystery to those that don't experience it. The rest of us know that it is very real, very painful and also very treatable.

You are far from alone, there are lots of us.

Get to your doctor again and if he/she doesn't give you satisfactory results then please change your doctor.


I suffered for years m8, there is no panacea but some drugs can make you feel better however it takes trial and error to find the right one. Remember that depression is primarily an imbalace of chemicals affecting the brain.

And I cannot believe i'm saying this - but as you say you don't like alcohol don't be tempted to hit the ale- it's a false friend and takes far more than it gives.

Nobodies life is good all the time, just live to enjoy the good bits now and the better bits that WILL come- and nice as it can be life is much more than just having somebody hanging on your arm

 

[Ivo]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has replied, either here or in a PM (there have been a few)...

I just wish it would go away Not that such a thing is reasonable to expect.

 

[scotsman]

Not had depression, but I've had some pretty horrific OCD before (proper OCD, not this pretend OCD that everyone claims they've got) - all I can suggest is something I learnt from it: Worrying gains nothing.

So, if there's something on your mind you can either sort it into 2 categories - Is it in the past? Or the future? If the former, it's over and there's nothing you can do about it! If the latter, find a time to sort it out properly if you need to plan it or do nothing if there's nothing that can be done!

As for finding a girl, I'm pretty hopeless too (although I'm a bit younger than you!) but I wouldn't worry about it - don't make your fear a self fulfilling prophecy, "If you think you can or you can't - you are right", Henry Ford. Think you can get a girlfriend? Yes? Good, half way there!

Best of luck with it all and remember, there are a lot worse off people than you. There's kids in Africa half your age bringing up their brothers and sisters because their parents died of AIDS 3 years ago - this isn't a guilt trip, I'm just trying to show that your life (in the very, very grand scheme of things) is actually pretty good!