• Our new ticketing site is now live! Using either this or the original site (both powered by TrainSplit) helps support the running of the forum with every ticket purchase! Find out more and ask any questions/give us feedback in this thread!

Joke Thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
33011

33011

Member
Joined
8 Sep 2008
Messages
300
Sorry if there is one already but have you got a good (or even bad) joke you would like to share with us and give us a laugh? Here is one to start.

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and St Peter asks Have you done anything of merrit that will allow you into Heaven? The man replies I saw a gang of bikers picking on a young woman and i shouted at them to stop but they would not listen so i went up to the biggest biker with the most tattoos and punched him in the face kicked over his bike and pulled the ring out of his nose and threw it on the ground.I then told the other bikers that if they didn't stop picking on the young woman they would get the same treatment.St Peter was most impressed and asked when did this take place? The man replied about two minutes ago
 
Sponsor Post - registered members do not see these adverts; click here to register, or click here to log in
R

RailUK Forums

Aussie_Rail

Aussie_Rail

Member
Joined
1 Jun 2008
Messages
560
Location
London, Great Britain!
A girl walks on to the platform on her way to a football match, the platform is somewhat crowded, she sees a man also standing on the platform holding a foam cup, except what caught her eye was that he was dressed very shabby, torn and dirty coat and really worn shoes. Feeling sorry for him she walks up and puts a couple of dollars in his cup. Then to her shock the man gets angry and starts shouting abuse at her telling her how stupid she is. She dropped money into his coffee.
 
asylumxl

asylumxl

Established Member
Joined
12 Feb 2009
Messages
4,260
Location
Hiding in your shadow
A boy goes for his first day at Catholic School. His teacher tells the class to draw a scene from the Bible. As she goes around the class, she sees various drawings of various Biblical stories

Then she stops as she sees one boys drawing.The boy has drawn a photo of a man in a tuxedo driving a car with two nearly-naked people, a man and a woman, in the back seat.

"Well it's very nice but what is it supposed to be?" she asks.

"Doesn't the bible say God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?".
 
43021HST

43021HST

Established Member
Joined
11 Sep 2008
Messages
1,565
Location
Taunton
Most jokes I know are too dirty to put on this forum, but this is my least dirtiest one.
How many Chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
None because there too thick to do it:lol:

I know its rubbish
 
G

Geezertronic

Established Member
Joined
14 Apr 2009
Messages
4,124
Location
Birmingham
Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I am God's gift or anything but I love telling my male friends I make love to the wife for 8 hours in one night. What I didn't say to them was that this included 4 hours of begging, then dinner followed by a 3 hour movie.

Yeah, but seriously - do you know that look women get when they want sex? Nah me neither. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

But I have to be honest, I am actually a terrible lover. I've actually given the wife an anti-climax. Plus she always laughs during sex - doesn't matter what she's reading at the time.

It's quite funny really. Me and the wife were happy for eighteen years, then we met. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.

But it is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

I dunno. Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.

Mind you, a woman phoned me up the other day and said "Come on over to my house, there's nobody home". I went over. Nobody was home.

I don't care anyway because I have the body of an 18 year old - I keep it chilled in the fridge!

The missus had a right go at me the other day. We were out shopping and she wanted to get something for her mothers birthday. The missus said she would like something electric, but got annoyed when I suggested a chair!

And she kept going on and on about stuff and I was getting fed up of all her nagging so I told her I would trade her in and I placed an advertisment in the classifieds of the local paper: "New Wife wanted." The next day, I got a hundred letters all saying the same thing: "You can have mine."

Actually, losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it is impossible. I mean, it's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. I mean she can't even cook properly - her specialty is indigestion.

Seems men in general have problems with women though. I was talking to a mate the other day. He told me that he had tried to rent a porno movie from the local video shop in the hope that he could get his missus in the mood to try different things but it had failed miserably as the video he got was full of static. Apparently the video he had hired was called "Head Cleaner".

But when you think things can't get any worse, they do. I was walking down the road the other day when I saw a house on fire. I decided to try and be a hero and I actually managed to pull 6 people out of the fire when a Policeman came up to me, put handcuffs on me, and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. Wasn't my fault I had rescued 6 firemen?!?! It was smokey in there!
 
Broken Viking

Broken Viking

On Moderation
Joined
23 Oct 2006
Messages
1,666
Location
some place west of France
  • Q: What do ye call a chav in a box?
    A: Innit!
    .
  • Q: What do ye call a chav in a filing cabinet?
    A: Sorted!
    .
  • Q: What do ye call a chav in a strongbox?
    A: Safe!

    ...And now for two of my personal favourites... ;)
    .
  • Q: What do ye call a chav in a trash compactor?
    A: Mashed! :lol:
    .
  • Q: What do ye call a chav in a blender?...
    A: Blood! <D <D <D
 
33011

33011

Member
Joined
8 Sep 2008
Messages
300
What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his bum
 
G

Geezertronic

Established Member
Joined
14 Apr 2009
Messages
4,124
Location
Birmingham
I got arrested in B&Q the other week too. Some guy in an orange apron asked if I wanted deckin' so I got a punch in first!

The wife is not happy with me again. I was asked to go to the offlicense and the Mother in Law had asked me if I could recommend a good port, I said "Dover".

I have had nothing but problems with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. One Sunday, we ended up at a restaurant in the rough part of the City. The missus and the kids had chicken and I had broken leg of lamb. Since we couldn't get home, we stayed in a dive of a hotel. We had booked in and I asked the bellboy to handle my bag - the cheeky sod started feeling up the missus! Mind you, the hotel was that rough that they stole MY towel!

The kids loved it though. Mind you they have been playing up recently. When they run around the house screaming and misbehaving, I use a nice and safe playpen. When they have finished, I climb out. I was playing in the sandbox with them the other day but the damn cat kept trying to bury me. The kids got me that mad the other day that I told them, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own". One of them said, "So will you!"

And a couple of Tim VIne one-liners:

I was in the park the other day, and I said to this woman, "What do you think of my shirt? It's got cactusses on it." She said, "Cacti". I said "Yes, but what about the shirt?"

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual". And the dentist said to me "Sir, please get out of the filing cabinet"

I've always had a problem with my weight. I'm on a whiskey diet at the moment, I've lost three days already!
 
37401

37401

Established Member
Joined
12 Nov 2008
Messages
3,276
Location
Birmingham
A guy walks into a bar, the barkeep askes "Do you want a pint of larger", the man replies "No thanks i tried it once and i didnt like it", barkeep then askes "how `bout a game of darts", the man replies "No thanks i tried it once, i didnt like it" the barkeep then asks "why are you here then?" then the man replies "Im just waiting for my son" the barkeep then says "Your only son im guessing" :lol:
 
westcoaster

westcoaster

Established Member
Joined
4 Dec 2006
Messages
4,495
Location
DTOS A or B
what is the 3 fastest ways of communication in the world?

1. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vission
3. Tell-a-woman

you still want faster?

tell-a-woman not to tell anyone.



knock knock?

who's there

Boo

boo who?

no need to cry about it.
 
Broken Viking

Broken Viking

On Moderation
Joined
23 Oct 2006
Messages
1,666
Location
some place west of France
O L Leigh said:
Name three fish beginning and ending with the letter "K".
No really, try.
Click to expand...
Kod, Karp and Kipper - Alongside other common mis-spellings that are accepted as part of localised slang in the south-eastern U.S. "Krispy Kreme" is another such example. :razz:

"If God had meant us to fly, he would never have given us Spanish air-traffic control!"
Craig Charles, as Dave Lister in Red Dwarf <D
 
37401

37401

Established Member
Joined
12 Nov 2008
Messages
3,276
Location
Birmingham
90019 said:
Why are neds like slinkies?

Because they serve no real purpose, but it's fun to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
Click to expand...

hahahahahahahahahahahaha ohhhh ill be laughing at this one for a long time
 
90019

90019

Established Member
Joined
29 May 2008
Messages
6,890
Location
Featherstone, West Yorkshire
Four nuns are driving along when their car crashes off a cliff. When they arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter is standing at the gates, and asks them if they have ever touched a penis. The first nun says, "yes, I once touched the tip with my index finger". St. Peter tells her to wash her finger in the holy water and lets her through the gates. He asks the second nun the same question, and she replies "I once held a penis in my hands", so he tells her to wash her hands in the holy water and lets her in. He looks over and sees the other two fighting with each other over who goes next, and asks them why. "Because I want to rinse my mouth out before she puts her ar*e in it!"
 
Broken Viking

Broken Viking

On Moderation
Joined
23 Oct 2006
Messages
1,666
Location
some place west of France
Devon_Metro: Please could ye add two chains to my distance in the mileage competition? I just smoked three cigarettes one after the other! :razz:

I saw Elvis Presley in B&Q the other day. He was there to return a sander... :roll::?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. The barman turns to them and says "What do you all think this is...Some kind of joke?" :lol::razz:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Top