Your roving reporter 4SRKT bringing you the latest on a reign of terror sweeping Britain's railways.
While in human society it is young people who have brought shame to Britain by rioting, destroying property and generally being a massive nuisance, in the world of Britain's Broken Railways it seems it is the old timers who are rebelling and causing Britain major international embarrassment. Once again the world looks on in horror at delinquent behaviour, made all the more shocking by the advanced age of the offenders.
Today horrified younger trains such as HSTs, 91s and 365s could only look on in terrified disbelief as elderly locomotives went on the rampage, setting fire to everything in their path, and creating a trail of delay and destruction throughout Eastern England until eventually stopped on the ECML near Newark. One class 91 who wished to remain unnamed for fear of revenge attacks was interviewed at Leeds station, too frightened to leave on the 15:45 to Kings Cross. "I don't care if all my passengers end up 4 hours late at their destinations, I'm not venturing out there. Have you seen what's going on? They're out of control. I'm staying here and hoping it doesn't spread to Leeds".
The culprits' reign of terror was eventually brought to a halt, and they were identified by their 'shed' names of 'Sir Lamiel' and 'Oliver Cromwell', members of the infamous 'Kettle Gang'. Network Rail had initially tried the riot control technique known as 'kettling', but this is thought only to have made the problem worse. A spokesman who has studied these elderly locomotives all his life tried to give an insight into what might be going on here. "These locos have grievances" he said. "For nearly 150 years they ruled the rails and now have to endure being shut up in Institutions, or 'museums' as they are euphemistically called. Some of them are allowed out at weekends to crawl around at 25mph, but that's not enough for the more hardline ones, who form themselves into gangs and persuade Network Rail to let them out into mainstream society". Dressed in sinister liveries, with black hoodies instead of the more usual yellow ones that modern trains wear, they stalk the rails, breaking down, running too slowly, encouraging hordes of so-called 'kettle veg' to hang around platform ends, and today engaging in an orgy of wanton destruction.
Well readers, as the fires die down and frightened younger trains head for the nearest depot (almost certainly not the one any of them were booked to be at tonight) I think today that we can see the result of years of liberal policies towards these elderly delinquents, who have no sense of the values required to exist on a modern railway system. There will be calls for leniency from the usual suspects, but this time the calls for them to be dealt with harshly will be stridently heard in every TMD and stabling point in the country.
While in human society it is young people who have brought shame to Britain by rioting, destroying property and generally being a massive nuisance, in the world of Britain's Broken Railways it seems it is the old timers who are rebelling and causing Britain major international embarrassment. Once again the world looks on in horror at delinquent behaviour, made all the more shocking by the advanced age of the offenders.
Today horrified younger trains such as HSTs, 91s and 365s could only look on in terrified disbelief as elderly locomotives went on the rampage, setting fire to everything in their path, and creating a trail of delay and destruction throughout Eastern England until eventually stopped on the ECML near Newark. One class 91 who wished to remain unnamed for fear of revenge attacks was interviewed at Leeds station, too frightened to leave on the 15:45 to Kings Cross. "I don't care if all my passengers end up 4 hours late at their destinations, I'm not venturing out there. Have you seen what's going on? They're out of control. I'm staying here and hoping it doesn't spread to Leeds".
The culprits' reign of terror was eventually brought to a halt, and they were identified by their 'shed' names of 'Sir Lamiel' and 'Oliver Cromwell', members of the infamous 'Kettle Gang'. Network Rail had initially tried the riot control technique known as 'kettling', but this is thought only to have made the problem worse. A spokesman who has studied these elderly locomotives all his life tried to give an insight into what might be going on here. "These locos have grievances" he said. "For nearly 150 years they ruled the rails and now have to endure being shut up in Institutions, or 'museums' as they are euphemistically called. Some of them are allowed out at weekends to crawl around at 25mph, but that's not enough for the more hardline ones, who form themselves into gangs and persuade Network Rail to let them out into mainstream society". Dressed in sinister liveries, with black hoodies instead of the more usual yellow ones that modern trains wear, they stalk the rails, breaking down, running too slowly, encouraging hordes of so-called 'kettle veg' to hang around platform ends, and today engaging in an orgy of wanton destruction.
Well readers, as the fires die down and frightened younger trains head for the nearest depot (almost certainly not the one any of them were booked to be at tonight) I think today that we can see the result of years of liberal policies towards these elderly delinquents, who have no sense of the values required to exist on a modern railway system. There will be calls for leniency from the usual suspects, but this time the calls for them to be dealt with harshly will be stridently heard in every TMD and stabling point in the country.
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