East Coast guards do seem to go on and on, sometimes BEFORE the train's even left, and afterwards! I remember going upto Edinburgh back in July 2009, and there was a change of guard at Newcastle, and a Scottish-based guard took over for the Newcastle-Edinburgh leg.
*Before departure*
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the 14:45 National Express service to Edinburgh Waverley. Please note this train is NON STOP, NON STOP to Edinburgh Waverley. This train calls at Edinburgh Waverley ONLY, once again, this train is NON STOP, NON STOPPING to Edinburgh Waverley. This train does NOT call at Berwick or any other station, customers for these stations, please consult the TV monitors or ask a member of station staff. Please note this train is now ready to depart, the doors are now ready to close, therefore anyone onboard NOT wishing to travel, please return to the platform. The doors are now closing. Once again, this train calls at Edinburgh Waverley ONLY!!!
*After departure*
Good afternoon and welcome aboard Ladies and gentlemen, to the 14:45 National Express service to Edinburgh Waverley, this train is now fast to Edinburgh Waverley-non stop to Edinburgh Waverley, due to arrive and terminate there at 16:18. Once again, we're due to arrive and terminate at Edinburgh Waverley, at eighteen minutes past four, this afternoon.
My name is XXX, the train guard for the Newcastle to Edinburgh leg of the journey. Remember coach B is the quiet coach, electrical equipment CAN be used, as long as you remember to switch it to the silent mode, and if you wish to make a telephone conversation, please use the vestibule area away from other passengers. Please remember it is an offence to smoke on any of our stations or trains...remember NO SMOKING onboard this service. This includes toilets and vestibule areas, also, please note it is also an offence to smoke on any station platform, please ensure you have left the station premises of Edinburgh Waverley, before you think about lighting any cigarettes. Please do not smoke on this train, this afternoon! I'm pleased to announce this train has free Wi-Fi available, please consult the livewire magazine for further details. A full ticket examination is about to commence in a minute, please ensure you have ALL your travel documents ready, any if you have had your ticket checked by the previous train guard, please put your ticket on the table, so that I can see it. A buffet service is available on this train, please listen for further announcements by the team leader, and if myself, and any member of the train crew can be of any assistance, please do not hesitate to ask. Once again, the next stop will be Edinburgh Waverley, at 16:18. Thank you!
Then he made an announcement to say that the ticket check will commence in Standard Class, then some luggage had fallen off the rack in one of the coaches, and started to ask people to pick it all off the floor! You'd think we'd almost be in Edinburgh by the time that long announcement had finished!