Forum Jokes

[shredder1]

A big red rock eater

 

[341o2]

Chinese conjuror in the middle of his act, and there's a power failure, so asks everyone to raise their arms.

lighting is restored "How did you do that?"
"Old English saying, many hands make light work"

PS Edited

 

[Adlington]

Chinese conjuror in the middle of his cat

A very clever conjuror. And a very big cat....

 

[341o2]

A very clever conjuror. And a very big cat....

I'm training to be a Bournemouth Echo journalist

 

[northwichcat]

The three kings expected the mother and new born to be in a manger but they found the manger was bare. The mother had in fact given birth on the delayed Northern service en route to the manger, while her carpenter husband was busy fixing broken seats on board.

 

[Ken H]

Four men have been going fishing for many years.
This year, Ron's girlfriend put her foot down and told him he wasn't going. Bitterly disappointed, he phoned and told the others that he couldn't go.Two days later, the others arrived at the camping site, only to find Ron sitting there with a tent already set up. "Ron, how did you talk your girlfriend into letting you go?"
"Well, yesterday evening, after my girlfriend finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey," she dragged me into the bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am!

 

[341o2]

Research has shown that the milk yield of cows improves if you talk to them

A case of in one ear and out the udder

 

[northwichcat]

Bible basher Jacob Rees-Mogg has spoken out against immigrants arriving in boats. Presumably he wouldn't object to immigrants who arrive by walking on water?

 

[daveo]

Review of Wrexham General station on Google maps -
"I'm quite impressed with this train station. I did notice though that the railway lines hadn't been polished properly though. Every station I visit there's usually a bloke cleaning the railway lines with some Mr. Sheen. Disappointing. "
I presume this was a joke!!!

 

[Tracked]

Review of Wrexham General station on Google maps -
"I'm quite impressed with this train station. I did notice though that the railway lines hadn't been polished properly though. Every station I visit there's usually a bloke cleaning the railway lines with some Mr. Sheen. Disappointing. "
I presume this was a joke!!!

I think so, his other ones are similar;

I was lucky enough to catch a late train from Tokyo to Borth last week, a popular commute. When I arrived there were some interesting clouds for which I have to thank the town of Borth for providing. Some of the clouds were directly above the train station so I had a magnificent view. I can now head back to Japan with some fond memories of Borth train station.

 

[krus_aragon]

"Every station I visit there's usually a bloke cleaning the railway lines with some Mr. Sheen. Disappointing."

I think that only happens at Port Talbot Parkway.

 

[gnolife]

I think that only happens at Port Talbot Parkway.

That's impossible - you can't polish a turd.

 

[Calthrop]

There is the hoary old Welsh tale of Level Evans, the level-crossing keeper, who was immensely proud of his level crossing, all aspects of which he devotedly kept in first-class order; including (as I first heard the story), vigorously polishing the rails so that they shone beautifully. Could it be that this is a particularly Welsh thing?

 

[Ken H]

There is the hoary old Welsh tale of Level Evans, the level-crossing keeper, who was immensely proud of his level crossing, all aspects of which he devotedly kept in first-class order; including (as I first heard the story), vigorously polishing the rails so that they shone beautifully. Could it be that this is a particularly Welsh thing?

There was a bit on radio comedy show 'Uncle Morts north Country' where someone wife was blackleading the tramlines outside her house!

 

[cjp]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."


TWA 2341: "We are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long queue awaiting take off clearance: "I'm bored!"


Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"


Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

 

[cjp]

An elderly man wobbling down the street is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really Sir? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[VioletEclipse]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."


TWA 2341: "We are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long queue awaiting take off clearance: "I'm bored!"


Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"


Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

plane jokes are amazing, but some of them can be a bit plain.

 

[cjp]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning. Can you believe that? 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

 

[E_Reeves]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

"Get in the car"

I could go on...

 

[Ken H]

BA flight lands at Frankfurt. Tower calls him - 'BA flight from Heathrow, go to stand 47'. BA flight slams brakes on and stops.
Tower again 'BA flight from Heathrow, go to stand 47'
Plane stays put. so the tower get out the binoculars, and see the pilot looking in the almanc of airport charts'
So, 'Tower to BA flight from Heathrow, haven't you been here before?'
Pilot replies 'Yes I flew here in 1944, but didn't stop'

 

[47403]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

 

[cjp]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but you must come back as a different creature. She said,


"I would like to come back as a cow."


I said, "You're obviously not listening."

 

[northwichcat]

This year the contract to deliver Christmas has been awarded to Arriva Rail North. What you can expect.

24th December
- Your turkey is not available for collection due to a van driver being unavailable.
- An announcement at 11:30pm that Midnight mass has been cancelled due to the priest's rooster being incorrect. You will not be transported to an alternative church and will have to make your own way.

25th December
- Christmas morning services cancelled due to the choir's union calling a strike. You'd think the services could go ahead without the choir but due to no agreement in place with the priest's union to operate without a choir that won't happen.
- Christmas dinner delayed due to a fault with the cooker. The fault was known about weeks ago but no-one was sent to service it.
- Not enough seats for everyone to sit down for Christmas dinner. Some have been sent away for refurbishment and there are no temporary replacements.
- Queen's message not broadcast. They didn't realise they needed staff to work on Christmas Day when the message had been prerecorded.
- Michael McIntyre's Christmas Show replaced by a show presented by Donal McIntyre due to the Twitter team not reading the original tweet properly.

 

[krus_aragon]

Why didn't the cod want to run his own chip shop?

He was afraid of being arrested for wife battering.

 

[Calthrop]

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?

The prawnbroker.

 

[Welshman]

Question: Why is there nearly always a fairy on top of the Christmas Tree?

Santa had had a particularly bad night.
His sleigh had broken-down. He'd put presents down the wrong chimneys. His reindeer were quarrelsome and his elves on strike.
On top of that, he had a raging migraine.

Then a particularly obnoxious fairy entered his grotto carrying a huge Christmas Tree, and asked him where he should put it.........

 

[cjp]

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference.


Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."


They look nervously at each other but finally each nods OK.
The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days.
Get it out of my system."


They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts
"Wellll ... with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all!


I get it out of my system."


The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle.
I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."


They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults.

It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll ... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!

 

[Cowley]

My Grandfather always said “As one door closes, another one opens”.
He was a lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker though.

 

[zuriblue]

A woman's husband died. He had £20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the undertaker and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had £20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me £6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was £500 and I spent another £500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, £12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."

 

[hexagon789]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking past a house and they see the front door has been left open. The Englishman goes in to investigate and spies a pound note on the table, he picks it up and is about to pocket it when a ghostly figure appears and wails:

"This is the ghost of Auntie Mabel and that pound note must stay on my table!"

He puts it down and runs away in fright. He says to the Irishman and the Scotsman:

"The house is haunted, I'm not staying here!"

And runs off.

The Irishman scoffs and says he doesn't believe in ghosts to the Scotsman, the Scotsman says he does believe in ghosts but allows the Irishman to go in first while he waits outside for him.

The Irishman goes in and spots the pond note on the table, he picks it up and yet again the ghost appears wailing:

"This is the ghost of Auntie Mabel and that pound note must stay on my table!"

The Irishman turns white as a sheet and files in terror, exclaiming to his Scottish friend:

"The house is haunted, I'm not staying here!"

The Scotsman then decides to go in and see the ghost for himself.

He walks into the house, sees the pound note, picks it up and pockets it. Sure enough, the ghost appears again:

"This is the ghost of Auntie Mabel and that pound note must stay on my table!"

The Scotsman looks up at the ghost, pauses for a moment and says:

"Well, I'm the ghost of Davy Crocket and that pound note must stay in my pocket!"

He then goes off to the pub for a wee dram.

THE END