MidnightFlyer
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Forum Jokes
- Thread starter Heinz57
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RailUK Forums
43106
Member
Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the dust of the trail from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real trouble, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
“Kin ya swaller?” asks one of the cowboys.
"No”, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head - "No" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her knickers, and slowly runs his tongue up and down one of the woman's buttocks. This shocks the woman into a violent coughing spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
“Kin ya swaller?” asks one of the cowboys.
"No”, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head - "No" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her knickers, and slowly runs his tongue up and down one of the woman's buttocks. This shocks the woman into a violent coughing spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
swj99
Member
- Joined
- 7 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 770
I'm going to the gym now.
I'm not bragging I just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
People who dont like paying council tax. Sit on your bill until it goes numb, and hey presto, it feels like someone else is being threatened with court proceedings for non payment.
Ralph Gubbins
Rectum on Sea
I'm not bragging I just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
People who dont like paying council tax. Sit on your bill until it goes numb, and hey presto, it feels like someone else is being threatened with court proceedings for non payment.
Ralph Gubbins
Rectum on Sea
43106
Member
Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said the first one.
"Oh yeah, how are you going to do that?" asked the second.
"You just watch," he said, and climbed up onto a rafter just above where they were working.
After a short while, the foreman spotted him. He shouted “What the hell are you doing up there?”
The first man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
After a short, thoughtful, pause, the foreman said, "I think you need some time off", whereupon the first man walked out of the factory.
After a moment, the second man followed him. "Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
"Oh yeah, how are you going to do that?" asked the second.
"You just watch," he said, and climbed up onto a rafter just above where they were working.
After a short while, the foreman spotted him. He shouted “What the hell are you doing up there?”
The first man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
After a short, thoughtful, pause, the foreman said, "I think you need some time off", whereupon the first man walked out of the factory.
After a moment, the second man followed him. "Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
12CSVT
Established Member
- Joined
- 18 Aug 2010
- Messages
- 2,611
Mr. Jones was in the kitchen early one morning with a rolled up newspaper trying to swat some flies which had flown in overnight. Just as he manages to kill the last one, his wife comes in the kitchen and asks what he is doing.
"Did you manage to get them all ?" asks Mrs. Jones
"Yes, there were three of them, two males and one female" replied Mr. Jones
"But how can you tell them apart ?"
"Two were on that can of lager, and the other was on the phone"
"Did you manage to get them all ?" asks Mrs. Jones
"Yes, there were three of them, two males and one female" replied Mr. Jones
"But how can you tell them apart ?"
"Two were on that can of lager, and the other was on the phone"
43106
Member
A guy always wanted an expensive car - a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. He scrimped and saved, finally going to the dealer to plop down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dogs bollox, dream mobile. After settling with the dealer, he drives off in his new car.
Later, deciding he wants some music, he searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel on a 747. He fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up, having failed to find the radio. Furious, he races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman, telling him they forgot to install the radio. The salesman assures him it's right there in front of him, hooked into the onboard computer. “It’s voice controlled. All you have to do is tell it what you want”. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. “Click”. The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and “click”, a B. B. King classic plays. The guy drives off amazed. "Country", he says, and “click”, a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Punk." “Click”. The Sex Pistols belt out “God Save the Queen”. He's so captivated by this new toy that he isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver pulls out from a side street and cuts him up. "PILLOCK!!!" he screams. “Click”. "Good morning, everyone. This is Radio Two and you're listening to Chris Evans."
Later, deciding he wants some music, he searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel on a 747. He fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up, having failed to find the radio. Furious, he races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman, telling him they forgot to install the radio. The salesman assures him it's right there in front of him, hooked into the onboard computer. “It’s voice controlled. All you have to do is tell it what you want”. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. “Click”. The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and “click”, a B. B. King classic plays. The guy drives off amazed. "Country", he says, and “click”, a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Punk." “Click”. The Sex Pistols belt out “God Save the Queen”. He's so captivated by this new toy that he isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver pulls out from a side street and cuts him up. "PILLOCK!!!" he screams. “Click”. "Good morning, everyone. This is Radio Two and you're listening to Chris Evans."
"Daddy, Daddy, did Mummy marry you for your good looks?"
"Well, not exactly, darling"
"Well, did she marry you for your money?"
"No, not really"
"So was it your charm and personality?"
"Err, I don't think so"
"I see, she just felt sorry for you"
"Well, not exactly, darling"
"Well, did she marry you for your money?"
"No, not really"
"So was it your charm and personality?"
"Err, I don't think so"
"I see, she just felt sorry for you"
43106
Member
A husband and his wife are shopping in Aldi when the man picks up a pack of Stella Artois and puts it in his trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife.
"They’re on offer, only £10 for 24 cans" he says.
"Put them back, we can’t afford them”, said the wife and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.
"What do you think you’re doing?" asks the man.
"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies, "So does 24 cans of Stella, but they’re half the price!"
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife.
"They’re on offer, only £10 for 24 cans" he says.
"Put them back, we can’t afford them”, said the wife and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.
"What do you think you’re doing?" asks the man.
"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies, "So does 24 cans of Stella, but they’re half the price!"
Don2912
Member
43106
Member
I based my 'joke' on a version that went around BEFORE Gary Glitter went to Vietnam
"A guy always wanted an expensive car - a status symbol to drive around and blah, blah, blah...................
Suddenly, a small child runs into the road, causing him to swerve and hit a tree, completely wrecking his new car.
"F**king kids!" he shouts, waving his fist at the kid.
*Click* goes the radio, and plays Michael Jackson's "Bad"!
The original poster also said "keep it clean", which I tried to do. This includes self-censoring naughty words. Anyway, back to the script.......(!)
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there isnt enough?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there, I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's behind?"
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their behind when they ask where the bathroom is?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup, or Alphabetti Spaghetti?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
swj99
Member
- Joined
- 7 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 770
What separates men from animals?
Divorce
Divorce
43106
Member
Louis van Gaal flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Manchester.
Two weeks later Manchester United are 4-0 down to QPR with only 20 minutes left. Van Gaal gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes, winning the game for United.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
’Sorry? SORRY?!!!' says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Manchester in the first place".
Two weeks later Manchester United are 4-0 down to QPR with only 20 minutes left. Van Gaal gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes, winning the game for United.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
’Sorry? SORRY?!!!' says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Manchester in the first place".
deltic1989
Established Member
A couple from the world of aviation:
These 2 take place at Frankfurt.
Lufthanza 1286: (Requests take-off clearance in German)
Air Traffic Control (ATC): Lufthanza 1286, if you wish for me to grant your clearance please request in English.
LH 1286: I am a German, flying a German aeroplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unidentified voice (in a lovely British accent): Because you lost the bloody war.
A British Airways (Speedbird) flight has just landed at Frankfurt, and cleared the active runway.
ATC: Speedbird 206 you will taxi to your gate.
SB206: (stops on the taxi-way) Ok Franfurt Tower, just looking up or gate location now.
ATC: Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?
SB206: Yes, I did once in 1944, but I didn't land I just dropped something off.
(As always mods feel free to remove these if they are sailing close to the wind.)
A B-52 and an F-16 are on a training exercise. The F-16 is escorting the B-52, and begins hot dogging. He pulls loops, rolls and high G turns. He finally comes over the radio and says,
" Bet your BUFF can't do that."
The B-52 carries on flying straight and, level for another 5 or 10 mins.
The B-52 pilot finally comes back over the air.
"Bet you cant do that hotshot"
The F-16 pilot is mystified.
"What did you do" He asks.
"Went for a dump and made a cup of coffee"
These 2 take place at Frankfurt.
Lufthanza 1286: (Requests take-off clearance in German)
Air Traffic Control (ATC): Lufthanza 1286, if you wish for me to grant your clearance please request in English.
LH 1286: I am a German, flying a German aeroplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unidentified voice (in a lovely British accent): Because you lost the bloody war.
A British Airways (Speedbird) flight has just landed at Frankfurt, and cleared the active runway.
ATC: Speedbird 206 you will taxi to your gate.
SB206: (stops on the taxi-way) Ok Franfurt Tower, just looking up or gate location now.
ATC: Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?
SB206: Yes, I did once in 1944, but I didn't land I just dropped something off.
(As always mods feel free to remove these if they are sailing close to the wind.)
A B-52 and an F-16 are on a training exercise. The F-16 is escorting the B-52, and begins hot dogging. He pulls loops, rolls and high G turns. He finally comes over the radio and says,
" Bet your BUFF can't do that."
The B-52 carries on flying straight and, level for another 5 or 10 mins.
The B-52 pilot finally comes back over the air.
"Bet you cant do that hotshot"
The F-16 pilot is mystified.
"What did you do" He asks.
"Went for a dump and made a cup of coffee"
12CSVT
Established Member
- Joined
- 18 Aug 2010
- Messages
- 2,611
The only 'absolute' in temperature is zero kelvin (minus 273 degrees celsius). Livewise zero degrees celsius is 273 kelvin. So if it was zero degrees celsius one day and twice as cold the next day that would make it minus 136.5 degrees celsius.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kelvin
swj99
Member
- Joined
- 7 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 770
Well, that's my Christmas ruined.
I've just seen on Wikileaks what my parents have got me.
I've just seen on Wikileaks what my parents have got me.
43106
Member
It's a joke! The thread title gives it away! Anyway, to resume...
Three elderly football fans go to Church and pray for their respective teams.
The first is a Scotland fan who asks, When will Scotland win the World Cup?
In 5 years, my son, God replies.
But I'll be dead by then says the Scotland fan.
Second up is a Coventry City fan who says, When will Coventry be in the Premiership?
God replies, In 10 years my son.
The Sky Blues fan replies, But I'll be dead by then.
Finally, it is the turn of the Baggies fan who asks Lord, When will West Brom win the Premiership?
God replies I'll be dead by then!
deltic1989
Established Member
Ok Football, I can work with that.
Nottingham Forest's Goalkeeper was so depressed at his recent poor performance that he decided to end his life.
He left the City Ground and walked up to Trent Bridge where he threw himself in front of a number 10 bus.
Fortunately it passed under him.
What's Orange, Black and funny?
A bus load of Boston United supporters going over a cliff.
A mate of mine asked me if I saw the England goal.
Sadly I missed it i was too busy refereeing the match.
England v USA tomorrow kick off at 19:30.
The USA will turn up at 19:41 and claim victory.
I met a fairy today, who said she would grant me one wish.
I told her I wanted to live forever, to which she replied "I can't grant wishes like that"
"Fine" says I "I want to die when Lincoln City win the Premiership"
"Crafty Beggar" She replies.
Nottingham Forest's Goalkeeper was so depressed at his recent poor performance that he decided to end his life.
He left the City Ground and walked up to Trent Bridge where he threw himself in front of a number 10 bus.
Fortunately it passed under him.
What's Orange, Black and funny?
A bus load of Boston United supporters going over a cliff.
A mate of mine asked me if I saw the England goal.
Sadly I missed it i was too busy refereeing the match.
England v USA tomorrow kick off at 19:30.
The USA will turn up at 19:41 and claim victory.
I met a fairy today, who said she would grant me one wish.
I told her I wanted to live forever, to which she replied "I can't grant wishes like that"
"Fine" says I "I want to die when Lincoln City win the Premiership"
"Crafty Beggar" She replies.
Whistler40145
Established Member
How do you tell which Clan a Scotsman is from?
...if you lift up his Kilt & it's a Quarterpounder, he must be a McDonald!
...if you lift up his Kilt & it's a Quarterpounder, he must be a McDonald!
swj99
Member
- Joined
- 7 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 770
Two Pakistani women were talking in the corner shop when one said proudly to the other, "I've only been here in England six months and I can already speak Polish."
43106
Member
A few old jokes
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up, went to his local station and spotted some trains.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out of my life."
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to his local DVLA office to apply for a driver's licence.
First, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of the Chardonnay."
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful, CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up, went to his local station and spotted some trains.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out of my life."
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to his local DVLA office to apply for a driver's licence.
First, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of the Chardonnay."
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful, CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Last edited:
deltic1989
Established Member
A man Is running through the streets, clutching his crotch and crying in desperation.
Out of the corner of his eye, he spots the Holy Grail, a Public Convenience.
Without hesitation, he rushes in, unzips his fly, and lets Niagra Fall......But it doesn't go in the usual way..... Wee fly's in all directions. Splashing all in the vicinity.
An angry 6ft Rugby player approaches the man and he thinks it's the end.
He simply says "You want to get that looked at. Coming in here peeing all over people. You'll cop and unfortunate one"
With the Rugby players words ringing in his ears, our hero is away to his Doctor.
He explains his predicament to the old Sawbones, who takes out a magnifying glass an asks him to place his Man Servant on the table.
"How curious" The Doctor says "Never in 30 years...... There are tiny holes in the side of your Willy"
The Doctor thinks a moment, then takes out his prescription pad, and writes down an number.
"Go see this fellow he says, he'll sort you out" He says.
"Is he a specialist" Our man asks
"No" Says the Doctor "He's a clarinet player. He'll teach you how to hold it"
(Adapted from a joke I once heard Billy Connolly, one of my all time favorite comedians tell)
***************************************************************
A Nun goes to see the Mother Superior. She wishes to request to leave the Convent.
"What will you do when you leave" Asks the Mother.
"I wish to become a Prostitute" Reply's the Nun.
The Mother Superior promptly cries an oath to the Lord, and faints where she stands.
Some time later, when the Mother Superior had recovered sufficiently to carry on, she asks the Nun to repeat what she said.
"I wish to become a Prostitute" Repeats the Nun.
"Thank the Lord for that" Says the Mother "I thought you said, you wished to become a Protestant"
*****************************************************************
Out of the corner of his eye, he spots the Holy Grail, a Public Convenience.
Without hesitation, he rushes in, unzips his fly, and lets Niagra Fall......But it doesn't go in the usual way..... Wee fly's in all directions. Splashing all in the vicinity.
An angry 6ft Rugby player approaches the man and he thinks it's the end.
He simply says "You want to get that looked at. Coming in here peeing all over people. You'll cop and unfortunate one"
With the Rugby players words ringing in his ears, our hero is away to his Doctor.
He explains his predicament to the old Sawbones, who takes out a magnifying glass an asks him to place his Man Servant on the table.
"How curious" The Doctor says "Never in 30 years...... There are tiny holes in the side of your Willy"
The Doctor thinks a moment, then takes out his prescription pad, and writes down an number.
"Go see this fellow he says, he'll sort you out" He says.
"Is he a specialist" Our man asks
"No" Says the Doctor "He's a clarinet player. He'll teach you how to hold it"
(Adapted from a joke I once heard Billy Connolly, one of my all time favorite comedians tell)
***************************************************************
A Nun goes to see the Mother Superior. She wishes to request to leave the Convent.
"What will you do when you leave" Asks the Mother.
"I wish to become a Prostitute" Reply's the Nun.
The Mother Superior promptly cries an oath to the Lord, and faints where she stands.
Some time later, when the Mother Superior had recovered sufficiently to carry on, she asks the Nun to repeat what she said.
"I wish to become a Prostitute" Repeats the Nun.
"Thank the Lord for that" Says the Mother "I thought you said, you wished to become a Protestant"
*****************************************************************
43106
Member
A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "Man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
A Chinese gentleman had a take-away on the High Street next door to a Greek who sold carry-out kebabs. Every time they met, the Greek took the mick out of his neighbour by yelling Flied lice, flied lice at every opportunity.
The Chinaman was getting mightily fed up with this, so he enrolled at night school to learn better English.
After the course was completed, he crossed paths with the Greek shop owner, who shouted Flied lice, flied lice!
The Chinaman replied twice as loudly, Its fried rice, you Gleek plick!
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "Man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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A Chinese gentleman had a take-away on the High Street next door to a Greek who sold carry-out kebabs. Every time they met, the Greek took the mick out of his neighbour by yelling Flied lice, flied lice at every opportunity.
The Chinaman was getting mightily fed up with this, so he enrolled at night school to learn better English.
After the course was completed, he crossed paths with the Greek shop owner, who shouted Flied lice, flied lice!
The Chinaman replied twice as loudly, Its fried rice, you Gleek plick!
table38
Established Member
I walked past a homeless guy on the street today and he said could I spare some change.
"Sorry, I haven't got any change" I said.
"How about a note then?" said the guy.
So I wrote "I haven't got any change" on a piece of paper and gave him that.
"Sorry, I haven't got any change" I said.
"How about a note then?" said the guy.
So I wrote "I haven't got any change" on a piece of paper and gave him that.
Reminds me of the Knight of the Road who knocked on the door of the Big House and asked for something to eat.
"Tell me, do you like cold custard?" the lady replied.
"Oh, yes, Ma'am - love it" replied the traveller.
"Then come back tomorrow - it's still hot now" she replied.
"Tell me, do you like cold custard?" the lady replied.
"Oh, yes, Ma'am - love it" replied the traveller.
"Then come back tomorrow - it's still hot now" she replied.
43106
Member
A friend approached a garage owner for a job. "I'm the best mechanic you will ever employ. I can tell the make and year of any vehicle and tell you what's wrong with it, just by listening to it." So the chap blindfolded him, and ran the engines of the cars awaiting repair.
"1.8 litre Mondeo, the tappets need adjusting."
"2002 Daewoo, the timing is 2 degrees too advanced and the choke is part on."
"2.8 litre Mercedes, perfectly OK, but an oil change will be needed shortly."
And so it went on and every diagnosis checked with the job sheets. So the boss led him by the toilet. He flushed it and emptied a bucket of nuts and bolts over a steel workbench.
"1967 VW camper-van, in perfect running order."
"1.8 litre Mondeo, the tappets need adjusting."
"2002 Daewoo, the timing is 2 degrees too advanced and the choke is part on."
"2.8 litre Mercedes, perfectly OK, but an oil change will be needed shortly."
And so it went on and every diagnosis checked with the job sheets. So the boss led him by the toilet. He flushed it and emptied a bucket of nuts and bolts over a steel workbench.
"1967 VW camper-van, in perfect running order."
90019
Established Member
DaveHarries
Established Member
There were 3 bees, a squirrel and a man in a car. They were driving along a country lane and the car broke down.
The first bee said: "Don't worry i'll give us a few extra miles by peeing in the tank." It worked, for a couple of miles, until the car breaks down again. And so the second bee decided to do the same as the first bee, but this lasted another couple of miles until they broke down again. Finally the third bee did exactly the same. Then finally the car broke down yet again.
The squirrel said: "I'll pee in the tank."
The man replied: "Sorry mate, this car only runs on BP."
Dave
The first bee said: "Don't worry i'll give us a few extra miles by peeing in the tank." It worked, for a couple of miles, until the car breaks down again. And so the second bee decided to do the same as the first bee, but this lasted another couple of miles until they broke down again. Finally the third bee did exactly the same. Then finally the car broke down yet again.
The squirrel said: "I'll pee in the tank."
The man replied: "Sorry mate, this car only runs on BP."
Dave
43106
Member
Two guys from Edinburgh die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoods warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?"
They reply, "'Well, we're from Edinburgh, pal, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out".
The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoods. The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again they reply, "Well, like we told you, we're from Edinburgh and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little."
This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Jocks in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Scots reply, "As we’ve already said, we don't get much warm weather in Edinburgh. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice."
The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two Haggis-bashers back in their anoraks and hoods - but now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men!
The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Scotsmen look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean that Heart of Midlothian have won the Scottish Premiership!"
Obviously, you can modify this joke to suit the team YOU hate!
They reply, "'Well, we're from Edinburgh, pal, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out".
The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoods. The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again they reply, "Well, like we told you, we're from Edinburgh and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little."
This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Jocks in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Scots reply, "As we’ve already said, we don't get much warm weather in Edinburgh. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice."
The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two Haggis-bashers back in their anoraks and hoods - but now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men!
The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Scotsmen look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean that Heart of Midlothian have won the Scottish Premiership!"
Obviously, you can modify this joke to suit the team YOU hate!
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