Forum Jokes

[61653 HTAFC]

One from childhood...

Why don't polar bears eat penguins?


They can't get the wrappers off.

 

[backontrack]

What do the economy and the England football team have in common?

They both have a Sterling desperately lagging behind its competitors.

 

[AndrewE]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast . He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says:

"Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says:-

"I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says:-

"Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that … So, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says:-

"If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again."

 

[GarethJohn]

Exit Mums head to Iceland to tell um to get out.!!!

 

[Harbornite]

What do the economy and the England football team have in common?

They both have a Sterling desperately lagging behind its competitors.

Very good, and even more apt in light of today's events...

 

[Jetlagged]

Borrowed from another forum:

Icelandic WOW Air from Amsterdam to Keflavík yesterday, the captain made a bet on the outcome:

 

[zuriblue]

Earth was invaded by aliens from Outer Space at the weekend.

Fortunately they left after they landed in the UK and couldn't get a coherent response to the demand "take me to your leader!"

 

[scott118]

mock the week

parental guidance needed

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04...dclip_wouldnthearatatrainstation_contentcard4

 

[northwichcat]

mock the week

parental guidance needed

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04...dclip_wouldnthearatatrainstation_contentcard4

That's a link to the 'Things You Wouldn't Hear on a Train' section of the most recent episode in case anyone was wondering.

 

[miami]

That's a link to the 'Things You Wouldn't Hear on a Train' section of the most recent episode in case anyone was wondering.

"Welcome to Brighton This is the 0729 to London. We're running on time, and there's plenty of room for everyone"

 

[zuriblue]

Rather shocked to hear that Donald Trump has announced that if he's elected his first act will be to ban the importation and manufacture of shredded cheese.

Apparently it's part of his strategy to Make America Grate Again.

 

[krus_aragon]

SpaceX recently announced that their next Falcon spaceship will carry a payload of dozen Guernsey cows. They say it's going to be the herd shot round the world.

 

[zuriblue]

Friedrich Engels was helping his friend Karl Marx move into a new house.

He walked into the living room looking thoughtful and said "Karl I've found something really unusual. I went into the toilet and there's a Stradivarius propped up in the corner"

Marx replied "No that's normal. It's the violins inherent in the cistern"

 

[roversfan2001]

I was asked on a game show what the capital of Greece was.

Apparently €1.73 wasn't the right answer.

 

[Jetlagged]

Someone here has way too much time on their hands to come up with these. Blooming funny though.

http://goo.gl/W6qBzu

 

[cjp]

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Bye
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
A man walked into Victoria Secrets. He tells the saleslady, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.”

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?”

He repeated A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted.

“Ah, now I remember”, said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked “So, what are the differences?”

The saleslady responded. “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

He mused on that information for a minute and said “Hmmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?

“A Jewish bra”, she replied with a grin, “makes mountains out of molehills”.

 

[Harbornite]

What's a clergyman's favourite intercouse position?

Holyhead.


(Ps if this a bit much then delete it)

 

[Calthrop]

(This joke really does better spoken, than written: hence the way in which I’ve set out the punch-line.)

Long ago, in a little town in Wales, the level-crossing keeper was of course known locally as Level Evans. He was very conscientious at his job, and hugely proud of his level crossing: he always kept the gates painted immaculately gleaming white; likewise with red, for the warning discs and the lamps on top of the gates; and he had the lamps always filled with oil and the wicks trimmed; and kept the hinges and latches most excellently oiled and smooth-running; and he kept the rails over the crossing, always beautifully shiny (I know that last is rubbish, but it was in the joke when it was told to me).

One ill-fated day, Evans the Coal came up to the crossing with his horse and coal-cart: they were right in the middle, going across, when the horse suddenly let go a huge load of manure all over the rails. Level Evans suddenly saw red – seized with fury at Evans the Coal for his disrespect in failing to control his animal, he leapt at EtheC, knocked him down, and carried on doing great physical harm to him – before he knew it, he’d killed the poor fellow. So Evans the Police had to come along and take Level Evans into custody.

When the matter came to trial in Cardiff, it became quite a national sensation. The trial lasted for many days: counsel for the prosecution and the defence, were both very eloquent and persuasive. The townsfolk followed the proceedings closely in the newspapers: they were concerned for their friend Level Evans in his plight (and Evans the Coal hadn’t been popular anyway). For the expected last day of the trial, with verdict and sentencing, Evans the Post volunteered to take the day off and go to Cardiff and attend the proceedings. The way things ended – after a long spell while the jury went out to deliberate – was, that it was adjudged that Level Evans had committed his unfortunate act in the heat of the moment, and under great provocation. He was sentenced to a long term of imprisonment, but was spared the death penalty.

Evans the Post rushed to the station and caught the first train home, arriving there latish in the evening. He went straight to the house of his best friend Evans the Milk: knocked on the door, and shouted, “Evans ! It’s me, Evans the Post !” Evans the Milk was taking a bath, in the tin bathtub in front of the fire; but -- on tenterhooks to hear the verdict -- leapt out of the bath, naked as he was, and rushed to the door to open it and learn the news from his friend. And EtheP said: “they’re not hanging level evans”.

 

[Gutfright]

I went into a car showroom and said, "I want to buy a Vauxhall hatchback."

The salesman said, "Corsa?"

I said, "Ok c***face, I want to buy a f***ing Vauxhall hatchback!"

 

[northwichcat]

A large man asked George Osborne how he could get to work with the bus service he used being axed. Osborne promised him he'll find a solution. Unfortunately, as Osborne had never ridden a bike he didn't know what size the man needed: http://www.knutsfordguardian.co.uk/...jpg?display=1&htype=0&type=responsive-gallery

 

[deltic1989]

What's a clergyman's favourite intercouse position?

Holyhead.


(Ps if this a bit much then delete it)

I'm pretty sure I've posted worse and they're still here

You don't need a parachute to skydive.....You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A newly married girl of only 18 was a little unclear of her duties to her new Husband in the bedroom. (This was a looooong time ago)
Wanting to learn more she went to visit the village Doctor, to ask some questions.
Once in the office she explained her predicament and asked, "there are a collection of objects in my new husband's trousers, that I am unclear on."
the Dr replies, "Oh that's perfectly normal, we have a medical term for those, they are called the Crown Jewels".
"Oh" replies the girl "well as part of my Husbands crown jewels there is a purply round object"
Dr: "oh that's normal as well, the medcial term is the Duty Helmet, and the thing it is attached to we in the profession call the Old Chap"
Girl: "Ah ok, and there are a pair of spherical objects about 22 inches back from the Duty Helmet, what are these"
Dr: "For your sake love I hope they're the cheeks of his A**e"

(I accept no credit for this gag, I heard it on a Youtube video I was just watching of the late great Mike Reid as with the next one)

Fella is in a truck stop looking for something to eat. He spies a sign outside the transport cafe saying "Food at popular prices". Thinking he's scored here he goes in.
He asks the bloke behind the counter "how much for a cup of tea?"
"£10" replies the bloke
"a tenner" hour hero cries "How much for a bacon butty"
"£20" replies the proprietor
"20 quid" screams our hero "What's this all about? You've got a sign outside says 'Food at popular prices'"
"Well I like em'" Says the bloke.

Horse walks into a pub and orders a beer.
The Landlord thinks "Hes a horse, he aint going to know the price of beer".
"that'll be £15" he says.
The horse pays and proceeds to start enjoying his pint.
"We don't get many talking horses in here" Says the Landlord trying to strike up a conversation.
"At £15 a pint I'm not surprised" reply's the horse.

 

[backontrack]

It all starts out innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies. But, before you know it, you're adding marshmallows and raisins - it's a rocky road.

 

[Phil.]

A white horse goes into a bar.
The barman says, "I've got a bottle of whisky here with your name on it".
"What, Roger"?

 

[61653 HTAFC]

A man goes into a pub and orders a pint of Black Sheep
"Sorry" says the barman, "we don't have Black Sheep"
So the man says "no problem, I'll have a Speckled Hen then"
"I'm afraid we don't have that either" says the barman...
Becoming slightly exasperated, the man asks what ales they DO have, and the barman says they only have Whitbread.
"Ok, I'll have a pint of Whitbread then" says the man "and put a nice head on it, please".
So the man takes his pint and sits at a table in the corner. No sooner has he sat down though, that he needs the loo. So he asks the bloke at the next table to keep an eye on his pint, and the man nods, and off to the gents goes our protagonist...

When he comes out of the loo, he's shocked to find that the head of his pint is now splashed over the table! "Hey!" he says to the man "I asked you to watch my pint, what the hell happened?"
"Sorry mate, it happened so fast" replies the other man "you see that black woman by the bar, with the tracksuit on? Well, she came over, dropped her crackers and broke wind, blowing the head of your beer!"
So the first man angrily approaches the woman, and yells "Hey! You fart in my Whitbread?"
The woman scowls and replies "No, I'm Tessa Sanderson".


(Apologies to all, especially Fatima Whitbread and Tessa Sanderson).

 

[Techniquest]

It all starts out innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies. But, before you know it, you're adding marshmallows and raisins. It's a rocky road.

Love it, I'm nicking that for use at work!

 

[zuriblue]

I've opened a new restaurant called "Karma".
There's no menu, you get what you deserve.

 

[61653 HTAFC]

I used to work in a bar, and one afternoon a load of roads were in- they were all arguing about who was the best road. The A1 claimed he was the best because he had everything: dual and single carriageways, motorway sections, tunnels... but the M25 reckoned he was the best because he was so much busier than the others. This carried on for a while until a small piece of red tarmac came in. All of a sudden the roads all shut up and started looking at their phones while the red guy ordered his pint, downed it in one, and left. As the door slammed shut I asked what the heck all that was about. The M62 says...

"I didn't want to mess with him, he's a cycle path!"
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

It all starts out innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies. But, before you know it, you're adding marshmallows and raisins - it's a rocky road.

Tobogganning looks like fun at first... but it's a slippery slope!

 

[cjp]

I was visiting my sons last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century” he said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here ... use my iPad.”

I can tell you this ... that f fly never knew what hit him...

 

[61653 HTAFC]

There's a knock at the door of a convent, so the Mother Superior answers the door to see two leprechauns on the step. "Excuse me, your grace" says the first leprechaun, "but could you tell me if you have any midget nuns living here?"
"I'm sorry, but we don't." replies the Mother...
The first leprechaun becomes quite panicked and pleads "please, Mother- you must have at least one midget nun here"
The Mother Superior, sympathetically, says "I'm very sorry sir, but the shortest nun in the convent is Sister Marianne, but even she is four feet ten inches"
The second leprechaun grins and says to the other "You see, Paddy. I told you it was a penguin you pulled!"

 

[Harbornite]

What is Charles Horton's favourite alcoholic drink...

DOOm Bar...