Facebook status - guard being funny

[northwichcat]

This is someone's current Facebook status:

Train guard just asked everyone to breathe in to help the doors shut.

I know that their local line is the Harrogate line.

 

[ANorthernGuard]

This is someone's current Facebook status:

Train guard just asked everyone to breathe in to help the doors shut.

I know that their local line is the Harrogate line.

I sometimes say , good evening and welcome to the Sardine Special to........

 

[Anvil1984]

Not guilty this time even though its one of my routes and sounds like something id say. Good on my colleague for retaining sense of humour just hope the passengers took it same way

 

[Crossover]

I do like it when guards have a sense of humour...it adds a little more to the journey.

Best one I have had was from an XC guard who was trying to get standing passengers a seat in quieter parts of the train. In attempting to get people to sit next to people they don't know he said "remember, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet" - very profound I thought

 

[Yew]

There is a guard/driver with EMT, where if the train is fairly empty departing the first station, he says somthing like

"Howdy ladies and gents this is the xx:xx to nottingham, we will arrive in about 40 mins> please have your tickets ready or you will be locked in the caboose, YEEEEHAAAAAWWW!"

well, I only heard it once. But it was awesome

 

[Eagle]

There was the time I heard the tannoy on the tube say "I repeat, please move down inside the train... ah well, I tried. Don't know why I bother." Everyone laughed. No one moved down inside the train.

 

[Wyvern]

This is someone's current Facebook status:

Train guard just asked everyone to breathe in to help the doors shut.

I know that their local line is the Harrogate line.

Wouldn't it be better to breathe out?

 

[Masbroughlad]

My fave was at Rotherham Central in the days they had proper announcements and a through Sunday morning train to Cleethorpes. The announcer wished everyone a nice day with buckets and spades, fish and chips, bingo etc.

Those were the days when we had real people and not some robotic woman bleating health and safety and performance nonsense at us every two minutes at lots of stations.

 

[class377man]

I had a guard once tell me to "take all personal belongings, livestock, prosthetic limbs and children" with me at a terminus

 

[Via Bank]

Upon approaching Woking on a full-and-standing 2x450HC service during last year's snow:

"OK, folks, we're now arriving into Woking, I'm not sure if there'll be another service along that you can change to because I've left my machine in the cab and I'm stuck. So, if you've never been to Woking, it's a lovely place..."

 

[YorkshireBear]

Upon approaching Woking on a full-and-standing 2x450HC service during last year's snow:

"OK, folks, we're now arriving into Woking, I'm not sure if there'll be another service along that you can change to because I've left my machine in the cab and I'm stuck. So, if you've never been to Woking, it's a lovely place..."

thats my favourite one !

if i was a guard id say stuff like that. If i ever announce where i volunteer it wont be as standard if i can anyway.

guard today announced please retain all tickets as there are ticket inspectors on chapeltown platform, he didnt turn it off in time and i just heard him sniggering to himself.

It was fantastic watching fare dodgers get caught never seen it before

 

[pmgarvey]

Can't remember where, but somewhere in South London I heard
"Free beer tomorrow, now that I've got your attention . . ."
Ended it with
"And whilst I won't be bringing free beer tomorrow if anyone wants to please let me know".

 

[Eagle]

There is, or was, a guard with XC with a strong French accent. Kept stumbling over "Banbury" for some reason. First time I had him was on a train Manchester to Banbury (due to works at Oxford) so he had to say "Banbury" at every station, and I could tell that even he was getting fed up with the pronunciation. At one point he said "Welcome aboard this service to Banbeurie or however you're supposed to pronounce it in English. The next station is Coventry, which is much easier."

 

[scotsman]

One East Coast Guard is famous just for his unintelligible intonation and annunciation of his announcements. "(slowly) We will shortly arrive at Hay-MAR-ket..."

 

[Nym]

Can we add airport announcements onto here?

"Passengers are reminded to keep all luggage personal belongings with them, especially the owner of a bright yellow Samsonite suitcase that is currently residing in WHSmith in the arrivals hall."

Is fun when they let you announce it...

Cue running passenger being met by 4 security guards.

 

[NJTom]

'We are now approaching "Sunny" Rhyl' I used to hear a lot in the 90s.

 

[Wyvern]

Ever since the Ecclesbourne Valley opened with all the publicity, one East Midlands guard on the Matlock train announces "We are now approaching Duffield International."

 

[northwichcat]

Can we add airport announcements onto here?

"Passengers are reminded to keep all luggage personal belongings with them, especially the owner of a bright yellow Samsonite suitcase that is currently residing in WHSmith in the arrivals hall."

Is fun when they let you announce it...

Cue running passenger being met by 4 security guards.

A DLR annoucement I heard refered to a specific passenger:

Due to engineering works today all services will terminate at Lewisham, where replacement buses will be waiting for onward destinations.
[pause]
If the man in the blue shirt is travelling then will he please board the train, as I said all services are terminating at Lewisham.

 

[The 158 Man]

My fave was at Rotherham Central in the days they had proper announcements and a through Sunday morning train to Cleethorpes. The announcer wished everyone a nice day with buckets and spades, fish and chips, bingo etc.

Those were the days when we had real people and not some robotic woman bleating health and safety and performance nonsense at us every two minutes at lots of stations.

I always wish passengers a pleasant onward journey/day/afternoon/evening etc. RoboCath does my head in!

 

[schwa]

Another amusing announcement..

http://soundcloud.com/schwaortz/crosscountryguard

Very nice chap- wrote a letter into XC to praise him. Hope he got to see it!

 

[185]

We are now approaching "Sunny" Stalybridge.

It was 23.35. We were 2 hrs late. Passengers wanted me dead.

 

[Sceptre]

This is someone's current Facebook status:

Train guard just asked everyone to breathe in to help the doors shut.

I know that their local line is the Harrogate line.

I have a friend who sometimes uses the Harrogate between Leeds and Burley Park (as it's quicker, and more importantly, cheaper than the 19 bus), and he often muses about being on a Pacer at 6pm.

(Incidentally, I've never noticed how much the connection time at Leeds matters for NRE until recently; Eureka broke my previous KGX 2033-2354 BGH run when I go down London, and HFX 1608-1658 BUY on Sundays isn't in the planner, despite 8-to-11 or 11-to-2 doesn't require 15 minutes...)

 

[trentside]

I think I've mentioned this before, but there used to be a Northern guard at Sheffield who would announce places by saying "Passengers for xxx... we're 'ere".

Always liked that!

 

[AlterEgo]

Best I've heard was at Euston Tube station:

"Would the man on Platform n talking on his mobile telephone......please explain how he's able to get signal down there?"

 

[driver9000]

I like to scroll "Welcome to Adelante, we hope you have a pleasant journey" along the internal screens.

 

[strange6]

I like to scroll "Welcome to Adelante, we hope you have a pleasant journey......" along the internal screens.

.....if we get there!

 

[bAzTNM]

Best I've heard was at Euston Tube station:

"Would the man on Platform n talking on his mobile telephone......please explain how he's able to get signal down there?"

That would be more of a reprimand to the guy, wouldn't it? They might have some booster that interferes with something on the trains.

 

[Crossover]

That would be more of a reprimand to the guy, wouldn't it? They might have some booster that interferes with something on the trains.

Don't think so - once you go underground there is virtually no chance of ever getting a mobile phone signal!

 

[table38]

We are now approaching "Sunny" Stalybridge.

No doubt referring to the sunny disposition of we residents

Best one I heard was a long time ago when the guard asked people in the quiet coach "to switch off their mobiles, personal stereos and karaoke machines".

 

[Sapphire Blue]

Don't think so - once you go underground there is virtually no chance of ever getting a mobile phone signal!

It may have been me, playing with the heads of other passengers as they hold their phones in all possible directions to get the signal that I am getting.
If you keep the "conversation" banal with plenty of good gaps, it can be effective. Acting dear boy, acting.