Improvements to services from Glasgow/Edinburgh to Manchester and Birmingham
We are delighted to inform passengers on the WCML that NR have invested £billions in tilt infrastructure, we are also delighted to announce that non-tilting trains will be used on the Manchester route in order to maximise productivity and minimise delays.
The new services, which will run at 100mph, an improvement of -10mph on services in the 1970s, have harder seats and a commuter-style 2/3 door arrangement to ensure maximum comfort on this route. Automated announcements will add a personal touch that we know you will appreciate.
The buffet facility is being withdrawn and will be replaced with a trolley, this will allow us to 'streamline' the purchasing experience by offering fewer items thus allowing you an easier choice of snack. The quality will be reduced, this will boost sales at Upper Crust and Burger King which in turn will benefit the wider economy.
We are delighted to be extending Windermere services. This will be done by truncating some services so that they will not serve Windermere, however we do feel that this is benefitial to passengers because the new service runs from Manchester Airport, and we appreciate that passengers do not want to change trains. We are also delighted to inform passengers that services from the Southwest and Southeast will now terminate at Birmingham, as we appreciate that passengers do like change trains at Birmingham New Street than use a direct service. New Street station is specially designed to allow passengers to change trains easily and signallers will ensure that regular platform alterations make this process as seamless as possible.
As a result of these improvements, passengers in North Wales will benefit from shorter 'Voyager' trains, these trains are shorter than Pendolinos and HSTs used in previous years, which offers huge benefits, the principle benefit is that passengers do not have far to walk to get to their standing area, this is considered better than having a 9-car train which involves a lengthy walk up the platform to board. The shop will be smaller, which has the benefit of reducing choices therefore less people will purchase, so the queues will be reduced. We know you will appreciate this.
The DfT is committed to ensuring your journey runs as economically as possible, therefore we are ensuring that no electric traction will work on North Wales services between Crewe and Euston, this is more economic than using electric trains which are uneconomical as our in-depth studies have shown. The lines to Glasgow and Edinburgh are electrified, so diesel traction is recommended.
Redundant Mk3 vehicles and Class 90s are not considered ideal for long-distance InterCity use along electrified 110mph lines, our studies have shown. This is because there is a real risk that if we provide capacity enhancements and comfortable seats there may be more people using the network. This would not be an ideal situation, as it could get people out of their cars, which would result in less fuel duties received, which in turn would result in less investment in transport infrastructure. We know you will have total confidence in us to ensure best value for the industry, and already we have invested £5million just in studies alone that prove we are correct in everything we state above. Thank you, taxpayers, for your funding and ensuring that we have an important role to play in shaping our efficient railways, we really do appreciate it.
ENDS.
We are delighted to inform passengers on the WCML that NR have invested £billions in tilt infrastructure, we are also delighted to announce that non-tilting trains will be used on the Manchester route in order to maximise productivity and minimise delays.
The new services, which will run at 100mph, an improvement of -10mph on services in the 1970s, have harder seats and a commuter-style 2/3 door arrangement to ensure maximum comfort on this route. Automated announcements will add a personal touch that we know you will appreciate.
The buffet facility is being withdrawn and will be replaced with a trolley, this will allow us to 'streamline' the purchasing experience by offering fewer items thus allowing you an easier choice of snack. The quality will be reduced, this will boost sales at Upper Crust and Burger King which in turn will benefit the wider economy.
We are delighted to be extending Windermere services. This will be done by truncating some services so that they will not serve Windermere, however we do feel that this is benefitial to passengers because the new service runs from Manchester Airport, and we appreciate that passengers do not want to change trains. We are also delighted to inform passengers that services from the Southwest and Southeast will now terminate at Birmingham, as we appreciate that passengers do like change trains at Birmingham New Street than use a direct service. New Street station is specially designed to allow passengers to change trains easily and signallers will ensure that regular platform alterations make this process as seamless as possible.
As a result of these improvements, passengers in North Wales will benefit from shorter 'Voyager' trains, these trains are shorter than Pendolinos and HSTs used in previous years, which offers huge benefits, the principle benefit is that passengers do not have far to walk to get to their standing area, this is considered better than having a 9-car train which involves a lengthy walk up the platform to board. The shop will be smaller, which has the benefit of reducing choices therefore less people will purchase, so the queues will be reduced. We know you will appreciate this.
The DfT is committed to ensuring your journey runs as economically as possible, therefore we are ensuring that no electric traction will work on North Wales services between Crewe and Euston, this is more economic than using electric trains which are uneconomical as our in-depth studies have shown. The lines to Glasgow and Edinburgh are electrified, so diesel traction is recommended.
Redundant Mk3 vehicles and Class 90s are not considered ideal for long-distance InterCity use along electrified 110mph lines, our studies have shown. This is because there is a real risk that if we provide capacity enhancements and comfortable seats there may be more people using the network. This would not be an ideal situation, as it could get people out of their cars, which would result in less fuel duties received, which in turn would result in less investment in transport infrastructure. We know you will have total confidence in us to ensure best value for the industry, and already we have invested £5million just in studies alone that prove we are correct in everything we state above. Thank you, taxpayers, for your funding and ensuring that we have an important role to play in shaping our efficient railways, we really do appreciate it.
ENDS.
Oh dear, its all true as well. I seriously think we should get this headed up on Network Rail paper and distribute it to passengers at stations along the route. 
