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Two guys from Edinburgh die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoods warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?" They reply, "'Well, we're from Edinburgh, pal, and it's always raining. We're just...

A friend approached a garage owner for a job. "I'm the best mechanic you will ever employ. I can tell the make and year of any vehicle and tell you what's wrong with it, just by listening to it." So the chap blindfolded him, and ran the engines of the cars awaiting repair. "1.8 litre Mondeo...

A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher...

The buffet at Carlisle (between platforms 1 & 3) used to sell beer. I've had a couple at The Local Hero on Newcastle station. I had my one & only pint of London Pride at the Wetherspoons on Victoria. It was dreadful! Thank God for Youngs! I had a couple on Darlington during The Great...

A few old jokes One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up, went to his local station and spotted some trains. ************************************************** A...

It's a joke! The thread title gives it away! Anyway, to resume... Three elderly football fans go to Church and pray for their respective teams. The first is a Scotland fan who asks, “When will Scotland win the World Cup?” “In 5 years, my son,” God replies. “But I'll be dead by then” says...

Louis van Gaal flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Manchester. Two weeks later Manchester United are 4-0 down to QPR with only 20 minutes left. Van Gaal gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad...

I based my 'joke' on a version that went around BEFORE Gary Glitter went to Vietnam "A guy always wanted an expensive car - a status symbol to drive around and blah, blah, blah................... Suddenly, a small child runs into the road, causing him to swerve and hit a tree, completely...

A husband and his wife are shopping in Aldi when the man picks up a pack of Stella Artois and puts it in his trolley. "What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife. "They’re on offer, only £10 for 24 cans" he says. "Put them back, we can’t afford them”, said the wife and they carry on...

A guy always wanted an expensive car - a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. He scrimped and saved, finally going to the dealer to plop down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dogs bollox, dream mobile. After settling with the dealer, he drives...

Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said the first one. "Oh yeah, how are you going to do that?" asked the second. "You just watch," he said, and climbed up onto a rafter just above where they were working. After a short while, the foreman...

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the dust of the trail from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it...

There used to be a good bookshop called "The Smokebox" on Cromwell Street in Kingston, just west of the bus station. I've no idea if it's still open. The shop in Falconwood is at Falcon Parade, but is quite a distance from the train station. You need to take the B16 bus - well, I did.

Mick and Paddy are standing on top of a cliff. Mick has a budgie on his shoulder and Paddy has a parrot on his. Mick jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the budgie flies off and Mick continues to fall until he hits the ground in a crumpled heap. Paddy then jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the...

Looking at life from Adam's side: God was strolling through the Garden of Eden when he came across Adam sitting under a tree. "How's it going?" asked God. "Oh……so-so," said Adam. "You sound a bit hacked off," said God. "Is there a problem?" "Well, it's just that I'm bored," said Adam...

I’ve just been on holiday to Blackpool, and while I was there, I saw a man with a dog. The dog wouldn’t stop barking so the man hit it with a stick and killed it. His wife had a right go at him and he hit her with the stick and killed her as well. Someone called the police and when the...

Recalling Kerrigan is, IMO, a mistake. As masters of spin, the Indian batsmen could well target him at Lords (assuming he gets selected to play) and psychologically damage him by batting him out of the attack. After his debut against Oz last summer, another mauling wouldn't do him much good. I...

This actually happened to me about 12 or 13 years ago. I caught what was then the 1400 service to Aberdeen from Kings Cross. I saw that it was an 82 at the south end, so assumed that a 91 was pulling. I do remember we left late, but by how much - I can't remember. We had to change trains from...

In Britain, I did the 0920 from Brighton to Edinburgh. Can't remember what time I arrived in Edinburgh. Last year, I did a sleeper from Cologne, leaving at 1730 to Vienna, arriving at 0855 the following morning. I don't know if I went from one time zone to another.

From my recollections, the vast majority of Birmingham - Scotland (via WCML) went via Crewe and Warrington. There were a few services that went via Manchester Pic - most of these went via Stoke, but there were one or two that went via Wilmslow. As an example, in the mid-1990's, there was a...