Not Rev W. Awdry...
In post 1,214 we met Connie Lingus-o'Leary, the ex-Stansted Express 322. Ash, Top and Rab helped Connie overcome her sadness at joining an unelectrified railway.
Connie has proven a Very Useful Carriage - popular with the passengers and much-liked by Fraulein Spraut-Fahrt, the new Controller. So, let me tell you another story...
One balmy morning, Connie sits inside the "female stock only" shed, in relaxing reverie. She drowsily becomes aware of others inside her shed - a leery gutteral male voice coaxing: "Yeah, work it baby, look at my camera" and juvenile snigger on her opposite side.
Startled awake now, Connie finds a blue carriage pointing a big track inspection video camera directly at her underside; and a red-and-silver carriage gawping at her with glee.
"Who are you? What are you doing with that camera? Why are you in the LADIES shed?" Connie fires her angry barrage at them.
"Hell-ooo" the blue carriage croons with sleazy tone, "I'm Cam 'Letch' Worth. I'm Network Rail's caddish camera-connoisseur and - ahem - specialist film-maker. At your service, hotwheels."
The red--silver carriage shrills: "And I'm Vin Diesel-Voyeurger. I'm a Virgin!"
"It shows" deadpans Connie. "But why are you here?"
"We've been drafted in by your German boss, Fraulein Spraut-Fahrt" Cam adds. "I've not met 'er yet - but I've filmed a few of Deutschland's finest and I'm sure she'll be a depot special pet - if you catch my drift." Connie shudders. Cam continues "You are normally in a foursome, but I can see you're doing a solo - no juice-collector. Where's yer power car?"
Before Connie can answer him, the railway yard loudspeaker crackles with static; then Fraulein Spraut-Fahrt's voice booms "Connie! First train of ze day eez in twenty minutes. Reisen-shine time!" Connie, very relieved, scuttles out her shed and away from the yard, muttering about male harrassment. Cam and Vin sit gloating.
* * * * * * *
Later that morning, as Vin returns from his first duty, he finds Cam loitering by the yard toilet and sprout-storage room.
"Cam, you look triumphant - what's it all about?"
Cam whispers: "I was out track-inspecting - thought I'd snoop - I mean, inspect - their old closed loco washing area and steam room, for a potential filming spot. I found a written note under the door. It says "Cam, you want to film a REAL lady? Come to this building first thing tomorrow - and I will give you a film you won't forget. Fraulein S-F."
Vin's eyes widen. "Describe her, Cam!" Cam's face contorts in his deep concentration "I dunno, not met her. But - I imagine a slim Teutonic temptress, bathing suit"; Cam chortles "I mean - you KNOW that film I did: Toby Tram Engine, Henrietta, Annie and Clarabel. 'Screw Coupling'."
Vin blushes, as a small pool of engine coolant leaks onto the track under him.
* * * * * * *
At sunrise the following morning, Cam and Vin hide either side of the former locomotive wash-area building, with faces expectant of entertainment. All of a sudden, the middle pair of doors opens and Cam begins his filming.
Cam's and Vin's faces drop when they lay eyes upon Fraulein Spraut-Fahrt, clad in her Edwardian-era modest bathing suit, striding purposefully along the track and then turning about-heel, glaring hard at the two troublemakers.
"YOU! You came here to work for ME. Connie has told me what you REALLY are up to. You TRESPASS in my ladies-only shed. You HARASS my best female carriage. You SHIRK your duties. YOU - are FIRED!"
Glum-faced, Cam and Vin slink out from the yard and back to the Other Railway. Our friends' adventures can continue.
But that's another story.
